The Heart of the Matter

8/7: I’ve spent a day here in Chester and just been sitting with mom.  Sometimes we talked about a few issues that she just can’t seem to get over until she had to stop and redirect the conversation.  I asked a few questions concerning Linda and she said that she trusts her and so far nothing has been revealed that would indicate otherwise.  The house is clean, there is food to eat, Peaches the cat has food and a litter box full of litter.  Mom said that Linda has access to her account and that she hasn’t seen anything suspicious but again I have no way of verifying and can only hope that everything is okay.

An aide came by to see mom who is with hospice and there is a DNR taped to the wall next to the light switch.  Mom has withered down to next than nothing, is struggling to breathe so much and after a time I finally got the answer of stage 4 COPD.  After googling it, I now have a better understanding of what is going on.  Despite her previous claim over the phone, mom is at the end with her oxygen level hovering around 15%.  She has a hard time eating because it takes so much energy to eat but that is another cause of the decline.  She just can’t get the nutrients she needs.  She has lost so much weight as dad had in the end.  While I have read articles about COPD, it was the more holistic sites that suggested certain supplements that could help and I’d forward those articles to her.  I have no way of knowing if she read them, but if I had to guess, I’d doubt it. 

On the first day with mom, I kept things light and didn’t ask too many questions that didn’t pertain to her care but after a short while we were sitting on the bed she asked why did I accuse her of stealing my son?  I didn’t answer immediately because the answer was always the same and that question was one of the largest issues between us.  It had been asked many times in many different ways over the years and had caused even more friction between us because while I had made peace with it over the years by writing out what I remembered, felt and my own culpability in letting it happen.  I still had an issue with this very question being asked so often because I felt that mom was looking for absolution in her decision and that was something I couldn’t give her.  I forgave a lot of things with both of my parents but in essence mom wasn’t looking for forgiveness, she was looking for something else.  Maybe to be told that she make the right decision?  But this time during the moment of silence I took before answering because I had to find a way to give her some peace with it… she said: “I’ve never been more hurt in my life, than when you said that to me.”   I told her that “I’m sorry I hurt you mom.”  She then laid her head on my shoulders and cried a little before saying that was enough of that.  But I held onto her for a little while because I wanted to.

I talked to her about nothing important and made her laugh a few times which probably was good and bad at the same time.  She said I made her feel a little better and I can only hope so.  I will come down here every other week and stay the night with her until further notice.  I asked her if she has thought about what she is going to do when and if Linda cannot come by anymore?  She said that she is working on that and has a line on someone that may be able to… but in my opinion, mom is struggling hard now to do things and make decisions.  She said she was tired of people making decisions for her and while I can relate wholeheartedly, I’m afraid that her procrastination in this area may require that more decisions be made for her.   

Over the hours that day I could see and hear that mom was still cagey about certain topics and I didn’t push.  I know that there was no use in trying to and didn’t want her to feel cornered.  She tired easy and I spent more time walking back and forth outside where the air was fresher even if it was hot outside.  The house felt so still and silent like it was already a house full of ghost.  By 10 pm I was ready to go to bed and still didn’t sleep all that well.

The second day at mom’s, I woke up around 5:30 am, had coffee outside and watched some of the sunrise.  It was quiet and peaceful as I tried to deal with the reality of mom’s dying.  It was so different with dad in many ways but was essentially the same process.  With dad I was here every day and mom is an hour and a half away.  Dad had all the paperwork and things that needed to be taken care of done early when he was still mobile and with mom, we are scrambling to finish some important things and trying to figure out how to get her help.   

During the last few months of dad’s life he reminisced of different times and he laughed when he would tell a story.  This was a miracle itself because of the brutally hard childhood, the family that wasn’t honest or caring, the wars he fought in, the discourse between him and mom, Trey dying and then being conned by the Montgomery’s out of more than $200,000 in the end.  Sure dad had regrets as most of us do, but he chose to focus on things that were good in the end.  I know it was hard, probably an avoidance technique because he still wasn’t at peace with so many things but he was trying.  For that I am and will always be grateful. 

But after waking I knew I had to ask mom a few hard questions which I dreaded so very much.  I needed to know just what I had to do in the coming months so I could get a plan together.  After fixing her breakfast of one scrambled egg, I did tell mom what I found when reading about the COPD because when I asked her if she was dying before the aide showed up, she said she didn’t know.  I pointed out the DNR on the wall and she shrugged.  She seemed like she was distancing herself from what was going on while seeming okay with it at the same time.  It was odd and uncomfortable for a few moments.

I then asked about a will and POE and hoped that she wouldn’t take it the wrong way.  I was surprised to learn that she did have a will and told her that I was worried about one thing.  That was the house I live in and asked if she took care of that and she said she did, that she left me the house.  I told her thank you because, I was too old, tired and broke to move especially after putting a lot of money into the house over the last 6 years.  When I asked about the POA, she said that she hadn’t done one yet but she was going to name Billy as the first one and a girl that was Trey’s friend, Tiffany, as the second.  She said don’t ask me why and I didn’t.  I don’t know if she thought I’d be mad but I wasn’t.  I was relieved that she had put some thought into it.  I did have to send Tiffany a message asking her full name and address so I could get the forms filled out.  Mom has to sign with a notary and two witness as well as Billy and Tiffany so it’s going to take a while to get it together, signed and filed.

After thinking about it some, I can only guess why she chose Tiffany.  She was one of five kids that were Trey’s real friends and mom had become close to them after he died.  And they probably became closer still after another friend died two years later named Danny.  I know Tiffany kept in touch with mom over the years and maybe she was closer to the daughter mom had wanted.  She had a good relationship with her own mother and was a really good girl when I knew her for that short time, so long ago.  I know she cared deeply for mom and hope that she was able to fill a void that I couldn’t.  Mom found some comfort in the kids after Trey, when all I saw was his absence.  I needed to be alone to heal and she needed those kids.  As for Billy, she said, “He stepped up and took care of most of the stuff for your Grandma.”  Again I can only guess that she is either trying to get him to step up for her and be a part of her life in the end or maybe she realizes that he can better afford to take the time off from work than I can.  I just don’t know…

I told mom I’m worried about her being there alone and asked if she wanted to move into a place that can care for her full time.  She was adamant that she didn’t want to go because it was too expense.  I told her “So what? You’ve got the money, use it.”  She just shook her head.  I hate not being able to be there with her even though I’ve dreaded that moment most of my life.  It is so very hard to watch someone you love in that condition, even if your relationship has been difficult at best for most of your life.  I live simply now but it’s still pay check to pay check and I’m more than okay with it.  It’s just at times like these it makes it hard to balance bills and responsibilities.  But I’ll figure it out…

Now that the hard questions had an answer, I felt more at peace because mom was finally making decisions again.  I don’t have to know or understand all the reasons but just to know that she is participating again, even if it’s a little at a time.  Mom had stopped making decisions and participating in life so long ago that I’ve forgotten when it started or what it was like to actually get an answer.  She seemed like she was relieved as well but I can’t be sure.  Maybe she thought I’d be mad at some of the decisions but while I was surprised, I’m not mad. 

Again, I was sitting on the edge of the bed looking out the window, sharing a cigarette with mom, while she is on oxygen.  Yeah, I know.  She starts the conversation by telling me that she still had a hard time with the way Grandma was when she was growing up.  She had always wondered if Grandma really loved her or just took her in out of duty.  I told her I couldn’t answer that.  What I did observe over the years was the Grandma and Billy both live their life like it’s in a bubble and nothing gets in that bubble that they don’t want.  That’s when she said she felt like a red headed step child at Billy’s wedding.  They don’t get involved or even want to know most of what goes on and I’ve known for a long time that the issues mom has had with them both has caused her constant pain, self doubt, and the inability to move on with her life in any meaningful fashion. 

Mom also told me that she could never understand why I was so angry with her when I was younger.  She has always said that I was a willful child and when I told her that both her and dad were willful and stubborn then asked where do you think I got the double dose from?  She just laughed.  She stated that she thought I was mad when we would go to the dollar movies on Fridays if we didn’t come to Grandma’s house.  I didn’t understand.  I told her I was so bored most of the time that going to the movies was actually one of the better memories of my childhood.  I then explained that I was angry but it wasn’t all from her or dad.  She then said how she wished that they both made more money and things would have been easier.  And she said that Trey said he wished we could all be a family.  I broke down at that point because I understood that on a very deep level.  Moms thought process was easy enough to follow when having a conversation with her over the years even when we bounced from topic to topic, but this time it was a little harder to keep up with.  So I will note here that this writing has been done in such a way as to help me take bits and pieces of topics and put them together in one grouping.

We both were looking out the window at this point and I begin to try and explain some things that I’ve never put into words for her.  I explained that I was angry because I felt so alone as a child.  She was always so tense because of her anger which stemmed from the hurt with dad.  I was scared of mom as a child because the least little things would set her off and I would get in trouble for things that kids normally do.  As an adult who has delved into the why of things as much as I can, I now understood that her anger was with dad, but instead of directing it toward him, she directed it to me.  I’ve written out some of the particulars before but in a nut shell mom was a control freak and dad was an alcoholic and the combination was unhealthy to say the least.

I said “Mom you never had any faith in me.”  She responded “I never gave her a reason to have faith in me.” And that was true too, at least until I was about 23 or so.  I also explained that I was bullied as a child on the bus until I was about 12 and school was difficult for being ostracized as a fat kid with braces.  Mom said, “She always hated that about my weight.”  Then I jogged her memory of the third grade teacher from hell that would single out one kid a year and make their life hell by embarrassing them at every opportunity and paddling that kid whenever she could get away with it.  I had that teacher and I was one of those kids but never shared the problems with mom I had for fear of getting into more trouble at home.  Years before, mom said that teacher was a bitch and that she should never have been a teacher.

I went on to tell mom that there came a breaking point in my life at 12 where I was done with being hit, hurt and controlled so I had made the decision that if I was going to be in trouble anyway for things that normal kids did then I was going to give them all something to be in trouble about.  And I meant it.  So she now had a better understanding that while I was angry, it wasn’t all directed at her or because of her.  It just was the way it was.  So in short I said to mom, “I was never really allowed to be a child.”  For the first time in my life, I heard her say, “No you didn’t.”

Mom said that she was so mad at dad because of his drinking and she had eight years where he didn’t and she was happy then.  She knew he could be the husband that she needed but when he started drinking again when I got pregnant with Trey that was what broke her heart.  As an adult I can see how deeply that affected her because I have always been able to see the potential in people even if it isn’t realized, but to have it realized and then taken away had to have been much worse in my opinion.  That was just one more thing that added to moms deep pain and it was something she could never get over much less make decisions to move on with her life based on that fact instead of living with it in misery.

And so as things circle around in her head that I have termed the Top 10 list of past hurts, mistakes and regrets, the conversation circles back around to Trey.  She broke down as she said how much she missed him and loved him so much.  I broke down with her and we both cried and hugged.  Well I hugged and she could only lean into it.  She said he was so different than I was and he was a happy kid.  He was most of the time, until the last year or so of his life and most of that had to do with his father.  She recalled a time when we all went shopping for back to school clothes and how he hated trying on all the paints mom had selected. 

She recalled that some of the happiest memories for her were the holiday’s at my house.  The cooking and cutting up with each other.  I’ve always felt the same about that.  After the incident with the kid and Trey when he was 6 at Grandma’s house was brought to light against the direct wishes of Grandma, things were so tense there the following Christmas.  Grandma didn’t like the fact that I was not going to let that go and had confronted this kid’s mother.  What happened was wrong on so many levels and I was not going to sweep it under the rug.  I took up for Trey and made it clearly known to this kid’s mother that if I heard about the kid doing it again, there would be hell to pay.  So when we were all there at Christmas and things were tense and I was being chastised for doing the right thing, I had had enough and picked up Trey, our stuff and left.  That was the last Christmas at Grandma’s and a new tradition was born.

Mom said she invited Grandma to my house for the next two Christmas’s only to be told that she couldn’t be away from the Church but then Billy invited her to his house for a Christmas and Grandma couldn’t pack fast enough.  While that hurt mom, I was okay with it and considered it Grandma’s loss, not mine.  I was 25 when I bought my house and Trey was 7.  We had a much better time there than we ever did at Grandma’s because there wasn’t any pretense or disdain to be dealt with.

I told mom that most of my memories of Trey happened at my house and some of the goofy things I used to see, find or hear.  Such as when he’d walk in he’d look through all the kitchen cabinets to see what there was to eat and then eat 2 weeks worth of food in 2 days.  Or the petrified cheese slice I found behind the bed he slept in, or the picture I took of him digging in his nose.  Or the funny poses he did in the mirror with sound effects.  Or his super hero pj’s that would inspire him to grab a towel and drape it like a cape.  So for a moment we did remember some good times and I’ll always be grateful that she could see and feel them.

She got quiet again for a moment and asked another of those questions that she just couldn’t seem to make peace with.  “You know, you couldn’t afford to take care of Trey and I don’t know how you would have if he hadn’t stayed with me?”  As an adult, I knew that she was right to some degree because if I had to do it alone, it would have been difficult at best, but that was also most of the problem.  There was no middle ground with mom at that time.  Black or white, either, or.  So the only thing I could say to her was “I would’ve handled it, but I wouldn’t have raised him the way you wanted.  I know you were worried about a lot of things and money was one of them but that was never the most important for me.  For me it was to simply not be miserable and to be me.”

I told mom that when she showed up at Jamie’s house and basically threw me out again, for which she denied, that it was just her way of avoiding taking a good hard look at her life and then making a choice of staying where she was and being  miserable or making a change in her life that could have involved moving out or at least accepting the things that couldn’t be changed so she could try and find some peace.  But by keeping Trey and throwing me out again, it was a way to stay without having to do either.  Mom didn’t respond to that.  It’s something she has had a hard time facing and I wasn’t going to say the rest of it because I am not trying to give her anything else to hurt over.

But I kept thinking about what Trey said because he had told me several times, about wanting to be a family too.  As far back as I can remember, I wanted the same thing, just different in the way of having a strong connection to both of my parents.  Such as working together as opposed to working against each other.  I didn’t understand as a child that the problems I had with mom were due to things that I had no idea about.  As an adult I understand more even if I can’t do anything about it.  Also as a mother I took a different approach with Trey.  I told him the truth about many things and asked him the questions that mom never could ask me.  But I also didn’t dump things on him that he would have no idea what to do with.  I had to learn how to answer his questions truthfully but without all the unnecessary details that wouldn’t have helped him when he was younger.  I tried to boil things down to the bottom line and elaborate only when necessary.  Most of the time it seemed to work.

Mom then said to me, “I hope you know that I love you, that I’ve always loved you and I’m proud of you.”  She had told me this a few times in my life but it meant so much to hear her say it now.  I told her, “I love you too and have always loved you too.”  Writing this, I now know that when I see her again, I will also tell her that I’m sorry that you’ve been hurting most of your life and I will thank her for what she was able to do.  I know she may ask the same questions again and I will try to help her find some peace.  I just don’t know if she will be able to as she hasn’t for many, many years.

I didn’t tell mom that the neighbors had contacted me through FB and then having a conversation with them by phone was what revealed how bad her health was in addition to the weird phone calls.  She was still highly aggravated with them over some things whether real or imagined.  I wasn’t there so I don’t know the truth but I do know that it is probably somewhere in between.  While I was there I texted the neighbors on the basics and told them that mom had hospice in.  The neighbor’s wife conveyed that they were really worried about her and because they didn’t know the details, had no idea just how bad mom’s health had declined either.  Because of that animosity between them and Linda they didn’t ask. 

They did ask me if it was Linda or my mom’s problem with them, for which I told them I could only guess that it started with mom.  Every little thing still gets on her nerves and some of the smallest slights can be magnified.  I also know that just because that’s true doesn’t mean that the neighbor wasn’t doing some things that shouldn’t have been done.  So I asked them to just ignore Linda as best they can, don’t engage either of them and just go on with their life as best they can.  I explained that mom’s oxygen levels were low and that can contribute to some of her thought process as it affects the brain too.  What I didn’t tell them was sometimes you have to care about people from a distance.  But that is a lesson they will have to learn themselves.  

Later I've been told that mom's decline started when the neighbor came over to her house and screamed at her about an incident with their child and moms car while she laid in her bed struggling to breathe.  The next chapter will go into more details as they become available...

Hurricanes of Life