It’s Saturday the 14th and I just published
the previous post about the timeline of events.
While this one will pick up where I left off somewhat, it is more of a
record of conversations and emotions that were and are running through both
moms and my heads. We have to go back to
the second weekend and the four days I spent in Chester packing up mom’s things
for the move to get to the heart of other matters that have been a sticking
point in our relationship.
First of all I’d like to take full responsibility for not
seeing and understanding just how far downhill mom had gotten over the last few
years and the last six months in particularly.
I know I should have made more of an effort to go see her and even
though most of us have bills to pay and lives to live, it was no excuse for me
not to visit more often and see where she was physically, mentally and
emotionally. When I saw her the first
time since February, I was shocked to say the least. She had lost so much weight she was skeletal
and her hair stood up on end. Secondly
after the fallout in 2012 when I finally let out what I had held in for so very
long, I distanced myself from her because I knew she was unable to bend in any
other direction than the one she had been leaning toward most of my adult life,
especially when dad was dying because I just couldn’t handle both at the same
time. Was I wrong? Maybe.
Why am I writing today instead of getting up to finish
the multitude of task that needs to be addressed? Because I need a day off where taking care of
mom is all I have to do and my body and brain said today is that day. They are both on overload and playing catch
up. Also, I want to get as much of these
times down so I can remember them and specific events if it’s ever needed for
whatever reason. It’s another surreal
time and I understand that as time moves on, things will fade or blur
together. This time with mom has been
good for us both and taking care of her has helped me feel closer to her than I
have since I was the child that needed to be taken care of. Never thought I say or write that sentence.
The second weekend which is Tuesday and Wednesday for me,
mom and I talked about other stuff while going through some old pictures. Many of them I’d never seen before like the
one of her in a prom dress playing a piano.
It was never mentioned that she knew how to play. When I’d come across a photo of her I’d ask
when it was taken, she would barely look at it.
I’m sure some of the memories were difficult if not painful. Some of the others were so interesting like
seeing my granddad in 50’s clothes looking cool with his short sleeves rolled
up in front of cool 50’s cars. In every
picture he looked happy and laid back while grandma looked stern and serious
most of the time. The difference was
noticed throughout the years in the pictures.
Mom and I spent about 3 hours off and on looking at them while I sorted
the ones I’d like to keep. She threw a
lot away that were of people I didn’t know.
It was like she was separating herself from the stuff as well as
memories.
On the first and second weekend mom was able to move from
the bed and go to the bathroom by herself although she was wobbly
sometimes. She was still trying to find
someone to come in to help her and work the hours that she wanted them to work
but told me she wasn’t having luck with it.
It was hard for her to get started in the morning and that’s when she
struggles the most. If she slept more
than 2 hours or when she needed the morphine to help her breathe, it took a
while for her to get going again. The
best metaphor I can come up with is it’s like driving a stick shift where the
clutch is going out and you have to push or roll it to get it started. The longer you have to do that the harder it
is to get it started.
I was seriously hoping she could find someone to come and
stay with her while I tried to figure out just what to do. I had finished the first POA and had Tiffany
sign it when she picked it up from my job one morning. I didn’t even recognize her at first because
it had been over 10 years since I’d seen her.
She seemed like she was still the sweet young girl who had grown into a
young women. We hugged and she offered
to help any way she could but there wasn’t much she could do
realistically. I knew Tiffany didn’t
want the job of caring for an ailing elderly person and when I had first
messaged her about her being listed second after Billy, she stated that she’d
prefer it that way. I can’t blame her a
bit about that. But this is difficult
because I already knew that I would be the one who cared for her in her last
days, even if I didn’t want to. Being an
adult means doing many things that you don’t want to do. After Tiffany returned the documents to me I
sent them to Billy to be signed with notes on where and paid for it to be
overnighted in the hopes that I could get them back before my next trip to
Chester. They never came back to me so
those papers were never filed.
Linda, the lady helping mom had sent me numerous text
messages over that last week about how stubborn mom was and started telling me
that Tiffany shouldn’t be the POA or the recipient of a large portion of mom’s
estate. I tried to tell Linda that
things are what they are with mom. I
didn’t ask her to advocate for me with my mom because I knew that she wasn’t
going to listen to anyone else, especially when they try and tell her what to
do. I got it honestly. When mom told Linda that I knew about her
naming Tiffany as POA, she also said I took it well. I did because I am not arguing about anything
with mom anymore. There is no point and
with her being so close to the end, why make it even harder for either of us
than it already is? The only thought I
had about it was did mom really think so little of me that she was willing to
give so much to someone outside of the family in the slim hope that this person
would be there for her in the end? If so
it would all come out one way or another and then I would just move on. Linda also kept telling me that she was mad
the neither Billy or Tiffany encouraged mom to talk to me or even contact me to
tell me what was being done at that time.
I’m sure mom asked them not to and even if she didn’t Billy doesn’t care
enough and it really wasn’t Tiffany’s place to.
So all this was going through my mind as to how am I going to care for
mom with my hands tied behind my back. I
called mom almost every day to check on her and see if she needed me to bring
anything when I came. She actually took
my calls now, even if they were just for a few minutes at a time.
So that was what on my mind as I left on Tuesday to begin
the packing to move her here. After I
arrived and began the packing I’d have to stop and help mom go to the bathroom
which was now located next to her bed.
During those times she would talk about or ask about things and she
finally asked if I had got the POA done.
I told her I had sent it to Billy the same day Tiffany brought it back,
but I haven’t received it back from him.
This was my opening where I suggested that she think about things as
they were at this time. I told her Trey
was our center and his death affected our whole immediate family to the
core. With Tiffany being Trey’s friend
it was different in the way of his and Danny’s deaths were more of an event
because eventually they would move on with their lives as they should. That lifetime of grief was ours to bear and
not theirs although I’ve always hoped that Trey would be remembered often. It was another reason I didn’t keep in touch
with a lot of those kids.
I also told her that Tiffany really doesn’t want to do it
because it’s a lot of work for someone her age who hasn’t had to deal with
anything like that before. So I
suggested that she make Billy her executor of the will because it made the most
sense because they co-own grandma’s house, her will is still not completely
finished with probate, he’s been through the process recently so he had a
better handle on it than I would and he could afford to take the time off from
work easier than I could. After making
these suggestions, I left the matter alone and continued the packing. But before I continue I would like to state a
couple of things for the record. I am
not that altruistic and understand that money is needed to live in this
world. While it is important, it is not
all there is to and in life. I am not
taking care of mom because I expect anything in return.
I am in fact taking care of her for a selfish reason but
I’m not sure some of you would understand.
I have felt like this small pocket of family has been cursed and that
feeling has grown stronger as the years have gone by. Maybe, just maybe, by me taking on the role
of caregiver for both of my parents that will help end this cycle. I have read where trauma is inherited in our
DNA and if it is passed down through each generation then it is clearly going
to end when it’s my time to go. But I
can only hope that my trying to help them have some kind of peace before they
go on to where ever it is they need to go, will help me learn lessons I must
have needed in this lifetime. In other
words if we do reincarnate I don’t want to have to relive this life again
because of lessons not learned. I have
stated a few times in this blog that I have made as much peace with the past as
I can but will tell you again, it is a process and sometimes you can find the
end of that process without even trying as I did during this time.
I’ve talked about moms top 10 issues that circle in her
head in the previous post and some of her physical condition. I firmly believe there is a solid connection
between the two. As her health is
failing so is her consciousness in the way it looks like it is collapsing on
itself. She repeats herself a lot
because she does forget things easily but we have had several conversations
where she was lucid and finally as open as she can be. She told me I was going to be mad at her when
she told me about how much she left Tiffany and I told her I wasn’t. It is what it is. Mom then told me to redo both the POA and the
will but to burn the first one without opening it up. Well, I did open it and wasn’t surprised but
I did burn it as requested. I asked her
why did she set up the old papers in this way?
She responded that we were fighting and she was mad but I think as
stated earlier in the first post she was hurt.
I understand that because I have been hurt by her for many years
although I don’t think she believes that I can be hurt by words, actions or
inactions.
I contacted Billy by FB messenger with the following note
on Saturday the 7th after speaking with my cousin about the
situations since so many were going on at one time:
Mom said she wanted you to come and talk about what to do
with the house. I don't know when or
even if you are coming but I wanted you to know that the neighbor has made a
mess of the garage, the house needs to be finished as to the cleaning out and
her bills transferred so I can get them paid. I cannot do any more about the house at this
time. When I am there on Tuesday, I will
get all the food out of the fridge and freezer in the house so it doesn't start
to smell and attract bugs or vermin when and if the power is cut off. The outside freezer still has food in
it. Oh and Aunt S would like the
mattress and or whole bed in Grandma's room.
I know about mom’s first will and I don't know why she
couldn't have understood that Tiffany was not there for her over the last 10
years or so as she maybe told her she would be.
I asked mom why she waited so long to tell me what was going on and she
said she didn't want to bother me with it.
Tiffany is not here now and I have known my whole life that this would
play out exactly as it is. I am scrambling
to get things done last minute and feel like I am running out of time.
I will tell you that no matter the differences between
mom and me I cannot let her die scared and alone depending on strangers that
were quite possibly taking advantage of her.
I've applied for FMLA which is unpaid and I'm trying to figure out how
to make this all work. Our cousin and I
have been talking a lot about the whole situation and she is willing to help
when she can. If you have any questions
call me at #. End note to Billy.
For days I did not hear from him and that is par for the
course. Mom had talked about this
several times and gets agitated when she does.
So that is the evening when we sat down and I asked her what she wanted
to do in regards to the POA and the will.
She told me with tears in her eyes that she was eternally grateful for
me taking her in and that she has always loved me. Even if I was a brat. She stated she wanted me to handle everything
and to do the will where I am the executor because she understood she couldn’t
wait on Billy after I told her I hadn’t heard anything back from him and knew
he had seen the message. That’s when she
told me she had given Tiffany her old GNC Envoy and most of her jewelry as well
as money over the years. Mom then said
she wanted to make sure that I would inherit the estate but while I was typing
it up, I told mom I left Tiffany a little money and her friend in Chester a
little too. She was okay with both of
those decisions. So with all the
paperwork signed the work was just beginning.
On Wednesday through today I have been trying to get mom
stabilized by keeping her meds on schedule, food in her tummy and just being
there when she is shaking so bad she can’t even hold the nebulizer cup
steady. Just being close to her to let
her know she isn’t alone seems to help with her anxiety and I let her talk even
if she is repeating herself many times.
It seems to calm her. I can sit
with her, rub her back and let her lean on me. I know she is scared, relieved to have people
around her now and she has given up the control that she held onto tightly for
many, many years. Sometimes, just
sometimes when you give up control, you may find what you’ve been searching
for.
One thing on mom’s repeat list is she doesn’t understand
why her mom didn’t help her out with a little money over the years. You know I have no answer to that question
but as history repeated itself I needed to understand why it was also done to
me hence, reading books and writing this blog.
Another question on repeat is how she felt berated in private and yet
heard her mom praise her to outsiders and she never could understand why. There was an easier answer which I knew for a
very long time. Grandma’s way of life
was based on the pretense that her life was just dandy, when it was any and
everything but. I explained to mom that
the Church was the absolute most important thing to her and so Grandma had to
make people believe that she followed all the guidelines that were set forth by
the bible. I highly doubt that she did
but that’s between her and God. Grandma’s
priorities were Church first, God second and family last. And that depended on the family because some
of us didn’t even make that cut. Mom
stated many years ago that I hated her (my grandma) but that wasn’t true. I had just stopped caring after a time one way or
the other because it wasn’t returned.
One of my biggest issues with this family growing up is
the secrets and lies that were lived. No
one wanted to talk about anything openly and I just couldn’t figure out why as
a kid. What I did do was live my life
the opposite and let everything hang out.
I was and am so tired of secrets, pretense, tension, control,
manipulation, apathy and most importantly the lack of real love and affection
between many of the members. It’s why I
looked for a family that wasn’t blood and can see the effects of the damage
that had started way before I was born.
I could see it in mom’s expressions in the old photos as well as dads. But knowing about their past hurts didn’t
help me help them. I didn’t know how and
I still don’t although I am trying.
Mom always said that she was outspoken and it was a
problem for Grandma. I have found that
mom is out spoken when it is one on one and she is talking about another person
but she has never been able to tell the person directly what her real issues are
with them. Even if it was just to get it
off her chest. I do tell the people I
have cared about the real issues in an effort to find a solution, compromise or
at the very least give them an opening to talk to me about what they are really
feeling. While I have learned that even
that approach has rarely worked because people have a hard time being honest
with themselves much less others, in this world opening up means that you have
to be willing to be vulnerable. It means
taking the chance to clear the air even if you get burned and I can tell you I
have been burned many times. I still try
when it is necessary because I want to have close connections to the ones I
love. I guess that’s why when the girl
who called herself my best friend revealed her true self just when all this
started happening, made me see that this wasn’t a connection that I wanted in
life and the hurt was something else I would have to deal with at a later date.
But back to mom I found some of the
letters I had written to both her and grandma.
She told me to burn them. I told
her that even if I was wrong writing or saying those things it was still
real. I had already written about them
in this blog and am not ashamed of what I said.
I am saddened that I had to say them.
The same repeat question goes for Billy but she flat out stated
that he just doesn’t care about me. I
agreed but will tell each of you this.
Billy actually responded to my message on Thursday the 12th
stating he was coming to talk to mom on Friday.
Mom had said he was coming but I wasn’t going to believe it until he
actually showed up. I was shocked that
he sent the message. So Friday came and
poor Walter had to go back to the vet to get the stitches removed early in the
morning and I was trying to give mom enough time to get steady, aware and
stable. I also wanted to get some stuff
done before he arrived to our humble abode.
I had planned on running errands while he was here but the vet hadn’t
called to give me a time frame as to when I could pick up Walter.
Billy arrived about 1:00 pm and sat to listen to
mom. She repeated a lot of what was
covered with a few extra’s that she had written down. One thing was the possibility of selling
grandma’s house to the neighbors that were granddad’s nephew and wife. I just have a hard time thinking about it
being sold at all or sitting empty but selling it to them for a loss is the
best compromise. It would still be kept
in the family and that means more to me than the money. Granddad built that house with his own hands
and I do have a few good memories there.
It needs an awful lot of work on the foundation, well and septic
systems. He asked very few questions and
I gave him Linda’s house key in case they had been rekeyed. Throughout his short visit he looked terribly
uncomfortable and like he’d rather be any other place on earth but here. So much so that even my roommate commented on
it and she had never even met him before that day. Before I left at 2:30 he asked me only one
question which was about mom’s final arrangements. That’s it.
I was told he left shortly after I did but before I left him I said,
“Until the next time.” At least he came
to see her before she ran out of time.
She could now feel like she has passed the burdens off to both of us and
maybe let a few of those worries go?
Mom’s visit with Billy wore her out and she slept longer
that night than she had since she has been here. She has said several times that this house
had changed so much that it was easier to be here than she thought. The memories of Trey will always be deeply
painful to think about much less feel.
And for some odd reason mom had thought I had hocked all my jewelry over
the years. I don’t know why other than
shortly before Trey died, I had bought a very nice bracelet and matching
earrings. I only wore the earrings once
and the reason I bought them when I am not a big jewelry person was… I wanted
to have something nice to be able to leave Trey for when and if he ever got
married. He could give it to his
wife. I had to sell those pieces when I
first moved in with dad because I had spent the rest on this house for dad. Mom
was still saddened and angry that Billy had lost grandma’s wedding set. She was hoping that he would have given them
to his daughter. But anyway I broke out
all the jewelry and showed it to mom so she could see that I still had it
all. Many of the pieces she had given me
when I was much younger and the only real value was sentimental. We also looked through the little she had
left and was surprised that several pieces were missing like her class ring and
dad’s wedding band. And I never found
mom’s small handgun that she had kept for years. She said she didn’t want to talk about when I
was packing her things. Mom also asked about jars of quarters the were in a hope chest. There were no jars. When I told her she said that they must of been stolen along with several other things.
As for Linda the helper, I still received numerous text
messages from her until today and she seems to be digging into the financial
matters hard and heavy while telling me that I need to do this or that and to
watch out for Billy and Tiffany. I asked
her to please just stop then thought about it for a minute and blocked her
number as well as on FB. I am not
interested in that or dealing with her when she seems far more interested in
money. She texted like she was instrumental
in getting mom and me back together but that is not the case. It either was going to happen on our terms or
it wasn’t going to happen. She also brought up something about a medical bill that was over due about her shoulder and claimed she was the only one there for mom while leaving family functions. Then asked where was I? In the previous post I stated that she came by to get clothes but cleaned out moms closet and searched the house for anything else that she wanted but most of it was already long gone by that point. While I was watching this I told her the clothes were okay but nothing else from the house was to be touched and made sure she gave me her key back. I hope she doesn't have a copy. Mom was informed of most of the above text but I can honestly say she cared even less than I did. We are both tired and need a break from opportunistic people.
As moms world becomes smaller and tighter as she is
confined to the bed and the potty, her main focus is just trying to survive and
breathe. One of the nurses explained it
to me as we were talking about the differences between dad’s lung cancer and
mom’s COPD outside the house one afternoon.
Dad’s was acute which meant that he maintained for a while, then when
his body just couldn’t maintain any longer he slid downhill so fast and then he
was gone. Mom’s is chronic and her
decline will be gradual until she hits the point where she can’t hold on any
longer. She isn’t interested in much
these days. She doesn’t want to watch
TV, she doesn’t even wear her glasses to read because she thinks she needs
something called Yag surgery for her eye.
I’ve offered to set her in the chair walker and push her to see the rest
of the house and the answer is always not today. It’s breaking my heart to see this once
strong, crazy ass woman so weak and fragile.
I am still trying to process that the last of my immediate family is not
going to be here for much longer and then it will be just me.
I have always loved mom even though our relationship has
been a struggle my whole life. If I hadn’t
loved her, I would have walked away when I was 16 and never looked back. I struggled with it even when we were not
speaking because I had always had hope that one day she could let go of the
control and the hurts that were caused by the family before I was born to focus
on the here and now. It is a lesson to
many that if you are focused on the past, not to heal the old wounds but to
relive them over and over, that you will miss what is present and right in
front of you the whole time. Life goes
on whether you participate or not. It’s
the little things that can build better memories if you let them. In the end it’s all we can take with us when
we leave this world. Mom has told me a
few times now that she should have done this sooner not just to make it easier
on us both, but because we could have had more quality time together. She’s not wrong and maybe, just maybe this is
one lesson that she can say she learned whenever she crosses over.
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