As I was proof reading the last post it became apparent
that it was sounding like things where all peace, love and happiness but
sometimes it’s anything but. I do mean
that things are worked out as well as they will ever be between mom and me but
the reality of the situation is still difficult in the way of her physical
limitations and definitely the emotional and mental conditions.
There is a learning curve with caring for any person at
the end of their life and since the nurturing gene seems to have skipped
several generations it is something I am trying to learn. I’ll never be a natural but I can at least
put forth the effort because mom seems to need it so very much now. I think she has been looking for it all along
in all the wrong places and because I’ve done the same thing, I can see where
it comes from. In the moments where it’s
hardest for her to breathe she is more confused now than the new normal and
it’s when I can be more nurturing and comforting to her. That reality is a far, far distance from the
woman I grew up with or even the one who was here 10 years ago. It’s hard to wrap my brain around it.
Then there are the moments where the medications have
kicked in and she is more like the woman I remember. In those times mom is a little more demanding
and discontented. It’s softer now if
that makes sense but it’s still there underneath. While she is trying to make things easier on
me now when she is able sometimes I feel like it’s so I can do more for her
even when she is able to do for herself in that moment in time. Some examples are like when I’ve finished
getting her off the potty (her home sweet home now as we like to call it) or
setting up her meds or making sure she has eating, she will wait until I sit
down to ask me to do something else.
Repeatedly. Just little things
like more tissue, Q Tips, wipes or simply just to move something to another
location. It’s during these times it is
harder for me to be nurturing to her. Oh,
I usually do it but it does get on my nerves more when I am tired and
sleepy. Such is life, I guess.
I also talked with one of the first hospice nurses and
she told me it was natural for mom to want to have some control over the simple
daily things and it was important to ask her things like did she want yellow or
green socks to help give her a sense of control. Now, that I can do but the things I mentioned
above go beyond that. It was weird that
the nurse even mentioned it because the conversation was about the time she may
have left. We all know it’s an impossible
question but one I still felt compelled to ask.
Her answer was interesting though because she stated that a person’s
personality makes a difference in the way that, if they are a fighter then they
will usually fight to stay here longer but if they are the type to give up
easily then that’s what they’ll do. Mom
fits both types with her stubbornness and decisions to give up on things in
life… so that cleared that up!!!
It also seems like mom is unaware of the impact she has
made on other people lives over the years while believing that she doesn’t
bother anyone. But I know for a fact
that she has made an impact of other people’s lives as evidenced by the
conversations I’ve had with them when they had a problem or issue with
her. While mom was overt with me as a
kid, her methods turned more covert and subtle over the years which just became
her natural state of being. I talked
about the control that she had held on to tightly for so many years had begun
to loosen tremendously lately but it is still there just on a much smaller
scale.
Since I began to read many books on the issues of
psychology that have come a long way over the years, it’s something I’ve tried
to be aware of in myself. While I know
that I am very different in some aspects from mom and the environments that I
have lived in were different too, it’s always been my concern that I may have
that same trait, issue or problem. It
probably was the biggest reason I lived my life the way I did, in an effort to
try and go the opposite direction. I
guess it depends on who you ask as to whether I’ve been able to control that
within myself. As best as I can tell,
the people who have been kind to me see me as the same way and the ones who
ended up using me think I am the user especially when I don’t allow that to
continue when I see it for what it is.
Maybe it's how people treat me that determines how I will treat them.
It’s now 09/25, almost 3 weeks since I’ve been off from
work and the routine that helped me to get through the week has been altered
drastically. Slowly but surely we are
establishing a new one that will let me go back to work around the middle of
October… hopefully. I miss the exercise
and can’t believe that I am even writing that!!! I will probably hurt for a few
days when I return because I am not doing much physically at home. I also miss some of the people and others…
not so much. I took a moment to walk
down to my friend’s house the other day, who is also having serious health
problems and it felt good to be out of the house for a few minutes. I’ve completed everything that can be done at
this time and am just waiting on things to finish their cycle so I can complete
closing down mom’s accounts.
During this time it also became clear that I needed a new
POA and will but trying to make the decisions of who could and would handle it
was difficult because the few people I trust are older than me. It also became clear that the person I
selected at first wasn’t going to work out so back to the drawing board and
then another redo of all those documents.
I’ve said several times in this blog, I don’t mind dying so much as a
long, slow and painful death. I’ve had a
living will done for years that states my desire to not die in a bed depending
on others for the most basic of functions and that still holds true today, if
not more so after caring for mom. I am
not going to be a burden to anyone and let’s face it, when it gets to that point;
there is no quality of life anymore. It
will simply be time to go on my terms.
We also have a new problem that the Fed Ex driver, which
is a female, is afraid of dogs, and with Rocky being an outside during the day
kinda dog, she is now refusing to get out of the truck for moms packages. I have tried to find a solution and she is
not interested but states that she will stop delivering them if I can’t get
Rocky under control. Of all the
deliveries we have coming here she is the only one who has an issue with him,
that I know of. I just have to state
again, that if you have any job that takes you to people houses and you are
afraid of dogs… then you are in the wrong job. Period. Rocky can tell she doesn’t like him and that
makes him not like her. For those of you
who don’t know, Rocky was abandoned by the neighbor’s and I took him in. Inside he is the sweet, gentle giant, but
outside he is hell on wheels when it comes to strangers and he will protect the
yard.
Mom asked me did I know this process with her was going
to be as difficult as it was. I said, oh
yeah because even under normal circumstances things are difficult to complete
on a good day. When dealing with
corporations, accounts, courts and the like… ain’t nothing quick or easy about
it. Then compound the issues detailed
earlier with mom’s refusal to handle things and you have a pretty good idea of
the magnitude of things and the time to get them handled. Mom has told a few people that I have done a
stand up job of getting things done. But
I haven’t dealt with our house and it still looks like a hurricane went through
it. Whew, it wears me out just thinking
about it. She seems pleased that I have
saved her some money from rolling her phone account into mine to negotiating
her security contract buy out for early termination. When we go to the store, we all try to make
our money go as far as possible and that isn’t going to change.
Some of our aunts have tried to call mom several times
and they haven’t been able to reach her.
She has good moments and bad ones.
Hospice is still trying to get her medications leveled out and recently
they took her off one of the anxiety drugs that she had been using off and on
for many years and switched her to another one.
That one has made her sleep A LOT over the last 4 days and when a nurse
was here on Friday I asked is this normal?
They said that until the drug got into her system enough to stabilize her
anxiety that causes her to shake uncontrollably, she would sleep more. Hummm. Well it is hard to get mom awake to
eat, use the bathroom and take her other medications but we are making it
happen. Our Aunts have been calling me
now since mom is not answering her phone and it’s so very good to hear from
them.
My cousin mentioned that I may need to hire someone to
help me care for mom and that is a possibility.
One I know nothing about but I better get on it and start doing some
research. While I appreciate that my
employer offers the FMLA, it has a lot of limitations and it only covers a
certain 12 week period of time. I don’t
know who figured you can schedule a death like a doctor’s appointment but that’s
the way it is. I’ve got other
responsibilities that need to be taken care of in my home so I have got to go
back to work and try and balance everything else. I guess I’ll be using the old trial and error
method as I’ve done so many times before.
It’s been a quiet few days because mom is sleeping more
and more. At first I thought it was the
new anxiety medication the hospice nurses had switched her to but after one
came yesterday, I’m not sure at all.
Mom’s bed sore isn’t healing, so we got her an air mattress that moves. It feels like there are pool noodles that
change positions every so often to relieve the pressure on her body but she has
also developed a large blister on her heel.
I don’t know why because we have been keeping her turned on her side to
help the sore on her back. Mom’s feet
swell a lot but now her hands and a few places on her face are swelling too.
I then decided to scale back the new anxiety medication
to every 12 hours instead of 8 to see of that was the problem. It helped some but now the nurse wants to up
her methadone to a full tablet instead of a half and cut the morphine to every
4 hours. So we are trying that and going
back to the 8 hour schedule for the anxiety medication. If the nurses can’t tell if mom’s decline in
the last week is due to the changes in all the medications or whether it’s a
natural progression of the end… then I sure as hell don’t know.
Mom gets fixated on small things and can’t seem to focus
on anything else around her. When she
does get up to potty it takes an hour minimum to get that done but sometimes it
takes as much as an hour and 45 minutes.
There is this process she has to go through and it is almost OCD at this
point. She is wearing depends now in
case she can’t hold it and that in itself is another ball game altogether. I’ve told mom every day that I am trying to
get back to some semblance of a routine before trying to go back to work. She isn’t really happy with that when she is
lucid enough to understand. At 9 pm, I
try and motivate her to the potty in the hopes of going to bed at 10 pm. Most nights she simply won’t start to go
until 10 pm, so I have changed the clocks she looks at so they read an hour
later than it actually is. Maybe this
will help? When the time changes in
about a month I’ll evaluate whether to change it or just let them show 2 hours
ahead of the rest of the house.
I think mom understands she is dying but not the process
of it and what it’s actually is doing with her body. She is talking less and less now but using
hand gestures that I’m having to decipher.
They don’t always make sense.
When she is awake I keep the TV on and we have been watching old
episodes on Unsolved Mysteries. It helps
keep her mind from circling around those top 10 issues and a little with some
of the OCD things.
Over the next week and a half I still have several things
that need to be wrapped up. Most of them
are things I have put off like finishing my own paperwork, transferring mom’s
final arrangements to a local funeral home because it’s easier, filing all the
paperwork at the courthouse and cleaning the house. If I can get this stuff done, it will be a
load off my mind. I think I will message
Tiffany and see if she will come and sit with mom a few hours on the weekends
after I return to work… if I can.
Mama's Gone
Mama's Gone
No comments:
Post a Comment