Mama’s Gone…

Sunday 10/6 I met with my longtime friends and neighbors at a notary’s home and completed all my documents.  On Monday the woman who helped me with getting the house cleaned was here for over 6 hours and mama’s nurse came that afternoon.  She said that mama’s time is running down.  I knew that, saw it and could feel it in my bones.  So that’s why I already had my talk with mom on Sunday morning.  She had been sleeping so much, eating so very little and moving around even less that I knew it was time.  I told her while I thought she was sleeping that I was so very sorry that her life was so painful on so many levels.  Earlier in the month when she was more coherent we had spoken of reincarnation and she hadn’t dismissed the idea so I told her that if it was a real possibility that I wanted her to do her best to find a way to heal her soul for all of our sakes.

I told her about reading how trauma is inherited from the generations that come before us and if we can come to this world to learn the lessons we need to learn and try to heal the wounds that we carry from others and ourselves, that maybe, just maybe if and when we do decide to reincarnate we would all have a chance at a better life.  That’s what I wanted for her more than anything in the world at that moment.  I better life.  I told her that even though we had had a difficult relationship most of our lives that she would always be my crazy ass old mama and she gave me a quick grin that let me know she heard me. 

Encouraged by that I went on to tell her that while I am not even remotely ready to let her go, that if she needed to go I understood and would be all right… eventually… but I asked her to come visit me in my dreams so I would know that she was all right.  I told her that when she does cross over to tell that little rascal to do the same because I was missing him so very much and was a little pissed that he hadn’t come to me in my dreams except for once.  It was a weird one where Trey and I were riding a roller coaster in a wheat field.  It was just the two of us, he didn’t ride roller coasters in real life and I hadn’t eaten wheat in a very long time so I don’t know what that symbolized. Mom gave me another quick grin while never opening her eyes.  I thanked her for coming home and giving us this time together however brief.  I told her it meant the world to me and she did too.  I guess I never realized how much until just that moment.  I brought Peaches out to her for what would be the last time while she was here and let her know that I will love that cat and take care of her until the end.  All the dogs were sitting in the chair across from her bed and the beds next to the chair shortly after I put Peaches back in to the bedroom.  I think they knew it was time too.

On Tuesday I went to my doctor’s appointment, stopped by the funeral home to transfer mom arrangements and filed my paperwork at the courthouse.  In my head I kept asking mom to hold on just a little longer so I could finish this stuff to be by her side.  Well she did but just barely.  Tuesday night turned into Wednesday morning 10/9/19 and my roommate checked on mom about 1 in the morning after I had gone to bed.  When I got up at 7 am… mama was gone.  The feelings I had been holding back came rushing out as the tears started and I couldn’t stop them.  I sat there holding her hand and laid my head on her chest and let it go.  Mama was gone and even with my friends and family still in this world I felt so very alone at this time.  I felt like a failure and wondered if I did anything to hasten her departure.  I felt rushed and lost and tired and such sorrow that I couldn’t move for a while.  I felt regret and guilt and such love for this woman who is and always will be my mama.

After a while, I woke my roommate up and told her mama’s gone.  After she got up I told her I needed to wait for a bit before I call hospice in because then things would start moving quickly and I wasn’t ready for that yet.  I really meant I wasn’t ready for any of this at all.  I kept wondering around trying to figure out what to do and would just end up sitting on her bed again.  I got Peaches again and brought her to mom so she could smell that mama was gone and not feel like she just disappeared on her.  But eventually I made that call and also called my cousin.  She came to the house directly and helped me so much by calling the family and letting them know.  When the nurse came she was surprised at how quickly she had to come back as we were… sort of.  The nurse pronounced mama’s death at that time and I asked her if we could clean mama and change her clothes.  I just couldn’t let them take mama in her housecoat and wanted her to have the dignity of being clean and clothed when they came to pick her up.  It was one of the last things I would be able to do for her.

The nurse asked to see a picture of mom and both my cousin and I told her that mom hated to have her picture taken so there were so very few, but I found one that was fairly recent and we showed it to her.  I pulled mom’s ruby cross and necklace off of her and gave it to my cousin because mom had given me a sapphire one many years ago.  I wanted her to have this one as a reminder of how much she meant to me and mom.  All too quickly it became time for mom to leave for the last time when the funeral home people arrived.  My cousin stopped them for a minute and asked if she could take a picture of mom and me holding hands. They were gracious to give us the time.  During the whole time I kept telling myself that this is really happening. 

As with dad, I could only prepare myself so much as to eventuality of losing a parent.  The speed at which this all happened was mind blowing and makes the entire month mama was here seem surreal at best.  I kept hearing mama tell me she should have come home sooner and I wish she had.  I wish there wasn’t so much that had to be done in that short time.  I wish I understood how much her health had gone down in the last six months but I didn’t go to see her as much as I should’ve.  I wished Linda, who knew mama’s health better than anyone else at the time would have called sooner and been a better friend to her.  But no matter what I wished for, things had to happen just the way they did.  I keep thinking about why mama said she didn’t want to bother me at this time in our lives and I think she felt how resistant I was of taking on the responsibilities of caring for her at the end.  That’s all on me.  I have stated several times that mom was stubborn, difficult and demanding at times with me and others but I had learned to deal with her in a way that allowed me to still be able to live my life and find some sort of peace.

Like many people, I will always have regrets about things in the past but I’ve done my best to learn from my mistakes and try to make better choices for the present and the future.  While I regret that mama and I had such a short period of time together I will always be thankful for the month we did have, for the words that we both needed to hear and for the chance to make her last days as comfortable as possible.  She may have been confused and afraid of the process of dying but she knew she was safe here with me.  She saw me handling everything that was happening while trying to take care of her too.  Maybe she found some faith in me after all.  Looking back on things now with more information than was available, I think mama like so many of us was looking for acceptance on a very basic level that she hadn’t been able to find throughout her life.  I understand that all the way to my core but I know with her relationship with her own mother who took her into her home at the age of 2, there was another level, even deeper than my own.  While I accepted mama for who and what she was, I doubt that it was the type of acceptance she was looking for or needed so very much and I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

So as the funeral home people brought mama from the house into their hearse for her final ride, I watched with the thoughts that the most complicated piece of my heart was going with her.  No matter what had happened during our lifetime she was still and always will be my mama.  I also thought about how I started calling her mama when I was a child and then the evolution of calling her mom, then devolving back to calling her mama in the end.  But this time she was reverting back to being a small defenseless child herself and the rolls had reversed as I was taking care of her.  It’s thoughts like these that run through our minds at times like these are inconsequential but still a fleeting one.

My cousin and I hugged a lot while this was going on and after mama had left the nurse had to begin her final duties that day.  Sue was so very kind and considerate during the whole process unlike the nurse that came after dad had died.  Sue made things bearable and took care with both mama and me.  She handled everything from start to finish in a manner that honored mama’s life and death with a compassion that is rarely seen these days.  I had also called Andrea, mama’s aide who also took such good care of her and asked if she would come by one last time.  She did and she was the most compassionate person to help mama and me during this time.  Both of these outstanding people will be remembered with such fondness and gratefulness as time moves on.  The world could use more people like that.  I’ve said several times that peoples kindness touches me in a way that cruelty never could.  Kindness makes me cry quicker and deeper than almost anything else.

Later that day the funeral home people came back to get the signatures for their paperwork and the equipment people came to pick up all the stuff in the dining room.  For most of the day afterwards, I just sat in my driveway plucking weeds from it.  It was a mindless activity that I could do while I let myself feel and come to grips with mama’s death.  There were a few phone calls I still needed to make and take as I could.  I had told my cousin that I didn’t want any visits and understand that was hard on the rest of the family.  But I just couldn’t do it.  I needed time alone and to be quiet.  At some point I had a long conversation with one of my aunts and she revealed that my real grandfather was a stubborn, mean drunk.  My real grandmother was a salt of the earth woman who was so kind and caring.  We also talked about how the decision came about of mama’s second cousin taking mama in when she was 2.  I found out that she was close to my real grandmother and was asked that she care for her youngest child.  Its things like this that I never knew.  I had to call my aunt back and get the correct names for my real grandparents for mama’s death certificate to avoid issues down the road. 

Later still that evening, I decided that I was going to have a bottle of wine that was left over from New Years to celebrate mama’s life, which turned into two bottles.  I’m not a drinker and was rather toasted by the end of the night.  After I was well into the second bottle I got a few more phone calls and talked to a cousin on my dad’s side for quite a while.  I probably should apologize for the rambling drunk talk… I eventually went to bed only to wake up the next morning to face the loss of mama all over again.  While the equipment may have been removed all of her things were still right where we left them.  Mornings are the hardest time for me and it takes me until late afternoon to start to calm my mind down.  I walked around hugging her pillows, blankets and night gowns looking for comfort in those soft fabrics and taking in her scents while I still could.  I kept thinking that she remembered to tell me happy birthday the day before it was to be.  I still have an old message saved on my phone where she actually sang it to me and have listened to that and the other messages I have saved just to hear her voice.

Several people have mentioned that I should find some peace in the fact that Trey, mama and dad are all together again and I know in my heart they are right.  But at the moment I still feel left behind to deal with this world alone when I would give everything to be with them all.  While I accept that is not to be, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m tired, hurting and feel so alone even when I’m surrounded by people.  I haven’t had the best of luck when it comes to connecting with people as discussed before and it’s at times like these that I feel the absence of those connections more deeply.  Mama, dad, Trey and I were connected for better or worse and with those earthy connections broken, I feel untethered.  I can only hope upon hope that at least one of them if not all will visit me in my dreams so I can see and feel them again. 

The days went on in much the same fashion but I was cleaning up around here a little at a time.  When it became too much, I’d have to stop packing mama’s few possessions we brought away into my closet.  The dogs seem to be grieving too, especially Walter because he still lays on the floor in the dining room most of the time.  I have to entice him to eat his breakfast in the morning and that means the world to me too as stupid as it sounds.  This foster dog has only been here six months and he is grieving for my mama or for me or both.  Rocky is still a big puppy who likes to play most of the time, but has been much more subdued in the last week or so.  As with Gus who made me participate with life after losing Trey, both of these guys will do the same with mama.  I have no doubt. 

On Saturday, Tiffany came to the house and brought all the jewelry mama had given her to me.  She still had it in the bags mama had placed them in.  We talked for a while and cried a bit.  She had experienced the same short phone calls with mama over the same time period as I did, had the same almost nasty text messages from Linda but hers had started way earlier.  We talked about the old neighborhood and a few of the kids.  When she told me to call her anytime, I told her, that I had really meant what I said in the blog that I had wanted her to move on with her life.  I probably wouldn’t stay in contact for that very reason so it would be up to her if she wanted to talk she would have to call.  She said she understood and that we all had helped her so much through Trey’s and Danny’s death and still considered us family.  I told her I wanted her to be as happy as she could be in this life and I’ll be right here if she needs me.

I left the jewelry on the table for a long while because I couldn’t open it.  Later on I finally did and found mama’s class ring and dad’s wedding band that she thought was stolen.  It had been so long since I’d seen a lot of it but had recognized the pieces I had given her over the years.  Mama had loved her jewelry and I had a piece in my hands that I knew was one of her favorites.  I put the ring on and have kept looking at it since.  It’s a piece of her life that is tangible and helps remind me of the way she was when she was full of life, good and bad, happy and sad.  But I also feel so very deep sorrow that mama is gone… 

Mama's Life in Pictures