The Twilight Zone.. err Years

Well, here we are again, documenting things in the current situation of my life.  Yes, I've been quiet because I've been working hard to get to as peaceful of a point in my life as possible.  But as many of you know peace is a fleeting thing, often times scared away by the actions of others even if it's unintentional.

So to quickly recap or fill in the blanks from where I left off because I am bad with dates and the passing of time, so I use events to help me get somewhat of a time line going... I moved home with Dad in 2013 to care for him until he died in August of 2014, sold the camper for which I was really looking forward to travel to places unknown and put the money into this house.  Dad left me his half and mom signed a quit claim deed over to me for the property which wasn't filed because she didn't have time to deal with the probate of dad's will nor could she locate the title to the home at that time.  

Mom had moved in with her mother and both were deteriorating in health.  Grandma died in February of 2017 and mom decided she wasn't going to go to the funeral.  A lot of family members commented on that and other odd things they had started to notice as they had been in and out of the house the few weeks before Grandma passed.  I could only state that I understand their concerns and that there was little I could do because of the stubbornness of my mom.

For years I have been asking mom to make some decisions about what she wanted to do when she was unable to care for herself and the resounding silence was the usual response but every now and then she would say she didn't care.  But make no mistake about it, mom had a plan of some sorts although she wasn't going to share it with me.  Sometimes it felt like she wanted me to come and live with her without all my dogs save for Gus who also died in March of 2019.  I even told her that if she wanted my help that she would have to move back home with me because I don't really know too many people in Chester, know that jobs are few and far between there and if I was going to live with her again, I needed a support system to help me keep my sanity.  You have no idea what it took for me to make that offer because the last thing I ever wanted to do in my life was to live with her again.  I did tell her that because I have a roommate that I love dearly that we would have to expand one of the small rooms in the house so that she could have her own room.  She clearly said I was crazy that she wasn't doing any of that and she had access to more benefits in SC. 

Since Grandma passed, I would call mom once a week at least and catch her up on the craziness of work and friends and check on her.  She had been going to the hospital every so often as she had in the past.  Nothing life threatening to my knowledge but still an old established pattern that worked for her.  The usual was sinus trouble, COPD and she said it was stress most of the time.  A few times she had friends running errands for her or taking her to the doctor or the ER for whatever reasons.  And I know this sounds callous but mom has gone to the ER so often over the years that ended up being what I termed as her mini vacations (because the doctors rarely if ever found anything wrong), that when she would have the friends call me to tell me she was in the hospital again, they wouldn't get the response they were looking for.  I guess they thought I should stop what I'm doing and rush right there.  It didn't happen because if it was really serious then I'd be notified. 

One such incident was around the beginning of the year (I think) where mom had minor surgery on her sinus and ended up in the ER.  At first she said she had fainted at some time after the procedure and that's when I got my first call from the family friend.  Over time the story evolved to the point where she said she almost died and that's why they took her to the ER.  She now regrets having the procedure done and has had a lot of issues since then.

At some point mom hired house cleaners to come in and then added to the duties of running errands and doing other things for her.  The first was Amanda who came while Grandma was still alive and mom complained about her a lot especially toward the end.  I went down there one day, which turned out to be one of the last days Amanda was there and when she answered the door, she said that she needed to talk to me.  Amanda said that she was worried about mom because she had changed in the time that she had known her.  I asked how so? She said that mom has become more demanding and irritable.  I told her that she has finally met the real Barbara.  She's been that way pretty much my whole life, even if she is subtle about it at times.

There was another 2 person team that came after Amanda and I am unclear of their names if they are not one of two that mom talked about most.  One is a Linda that had ties to an old close friend of mom's from Charlotte and the others name was Mara who is Linda's daughter or niece.  Then there was a Kristy or Krista and I'm not sure where she came from or who was there first.  But over time this Kristy took advantage of mom (which is kinda shocking in a way because of moms nature and not so much because of her vulnerability with her age).  This Kristy had bought a $1000 phone instead of a cheaper version because mom was trying to help her but she also wanted to be able to reach Kristy whenever she wanted to.  Mom said that it was a small charge on her debit card that revealed that Kristy was buying things for herself as well.  The police were involved and mom intended to pursue the matter in court.   

Here is messages that I copied and pasted from mom’s FB account from this Kristy or Krista:

“Mom: "Do you remember that you had said that you were going to return the phone and my key today?

Kristy: You don’t remember our conversation yesterday if that’s what you’re thinking. I told you the Verizon bill & your key have been mailed to you. I was going to have the phone switched over but you have to verify in order to transfer from your account. I know it’s confusing for you but I explained this all different ways I could, until you understood. Now I’m still stuck with no phone & although you “take the blame” you’re still unwilling to help simplify the process. This is the best option for you even more so than it would be for me. Also, I told you I’d come over, explain your bill to you (mail from me with your key) & also fill your humidifier, take trash & whatever else you may be needing by now.

Mom: You have not paid one dime towards this phone, that belongs to me. You have not tried to pay at all. If Verizon would give you a contract then they would call me, in which they have not. It has been 4 days since I have asked for phone and key to be returned. You said you were transferring information already. Get information from your old device. Unless you are returning my phone and key Do Not Come To My House. You are not welcome here.

Kristy: I had paid towards the phone! You owed me $300 for working & I had already bought over $100 of groceries towards the phone & I took care of the phone mess on Friday while you had your hair done! It’s all going to show you on the next bill. You’ve been extremely hostile (out of nowhere) since Monday. I don’t understand what could’ve possibly happened between Friday & Sunday but you had already seen the bill long by then & I had messaged you details about the credits they’re returning.. I thought if I wrote it in a text you could better understand what I was saying.

Kristy: I’ve been the only one screwed over here. I’m still trying to help you on your phone bill & for any personal needs. But you’re making it really hard to want to help you when you’re treating me like dirt. For no reason! I’ve done nothing but care for you. Nothing more & not an ounce of malicious intent at any point of our time together!

Kristy: My bartending job wasn’t able to reach me this week so they gave my shift away. I owe my car insurance & I now have to pay to start up another phone. When I already had a phone, until you insisted on replacing mine for a better way of reaching me.

I’m truly just trying to do what’s best & what’s right by you as well. I’m so crushed that you’ve decided to hate me so much over a misunderstanding about a telephone.

10/28/18, 2:23 PM

Kristy: I would’ve had the phone off your account long ago, but I need you to let them call you to verify.. they can tell you right then & there, same thing I’ve been saying. That the phone will no longer be your responsibility & will NOT have your name anywhere on it. I have to have my friend with my at the store though. I’ve been waiting to meet him there since you keep going back & forth about me bringing the phone back to you. This way will cost us both less money & you save much more by relieving the owner ship of the device & payments for it... please to understand that & agree to let Verizon tell you that as they call to switch it over!? Please!

Mom: I have paid you every thing that I possibly owed you as of last Tuesday. You have repeatedly charged me for hours that you did not work. I paid for all of my groceries with my debit card that you used. I have receipts for all groceries that I received. You have never paid a dime towards the phone. You knew that you were NOT supposed to get an expensive phone. You betrayed my trust and have harassed me ever since. You had said that you would return the phone by last Wednesday and did not. Therefore, it is reported as stolen and must be returned to Verizon. I received a bill from verizon for the first months rent as well as the activation fee for the phone that you chose it amounted to $280.00. You have not paid that amount. You demanded $200.00 from me last Tuesday with NO consideration of what expenses that you have burdened me with.

Kristy: That is not true at all! If you look closely at those receipts you’ll see that your card was not used, therefore I had paid towards the phone, even though you’ve clearly forgotten that agreement we had. You’ve done that all along & refused to write things down, even after me bringing that to your attention. You are the one who told me you owed me $200 for hours worked, before having me work $100 more worth of hours (also your words!) & I had paid over $100 within the groceries...

Also, I told you I would pay every penny of the device payments & costs, to which you agreed to! All of that cake to be AFTER you insisted on buying me a new phone when I already had one, but you couldn’t reach me 24/7...

I would’ve put everything you owed me, towards the bill! You’re going to be getting over $100 back in credits towards your next bill also. That is what I had done at Verizon Friday! Also, $40 of that was billed for a case I had bought to protect the phone & would’ve absolutely paid that with my next pay. I told you that Friday as I left to get Carson when you insisted on waiting to pay me for the days worked that week. You said you’d pay me Monday & I planned to pay you more towards the bill with that! And further explain to you about the bill being fixed Friday... You’ve misunderstood all of this & been super hateful to me numerous times in your confusion! You need someone with caretaker-training to work with/for you. I just don’t understand how you change to someone completely different, over night! I hate it for you & me both.

10/30/18, 2:59 PM

Kristy: I’m sure someone (Mara/Linda perhaps) has gotten into your head & made me out to be a monster.. but you should know better!!!

I cared so much for you & I alway made sure you were safe, fed, happy & didn’t [need] for nothing! I agreed to take care of Peaches & I meant it! You know I’ve never done you wrong & that this phone crap was the only issue/misunderstanding... You need to stop being so angry & lower your stress. You want someone else out there, fine! I hope you will get the loyalty, honesty, etc. that you got from me! I’ll return the phone to Verizon, now that I finally know what’s happening with it. I hope you’ll be happy for the rest of your days. Goodbye"

And here is another one that was sent to mom through Mara Vashtog from Kristy or Krista:

"Messages from Krista Tuesday "It will cost over $250 just to cancel the line. Why couldn't I just have paid the bill & kept the line? Or at least had the option to carry my number over to a new prepaid plan? I told you it would be more on the 1st bill but after that it's only $50 extra per month. That I would gladly" pay! Hell I would've worked just for the phone. This is terrible. I can't trust anything you say anymore so find other arrangements for peaches & after I drop these things off tomorrow I will not be back."

Thursday "Your key is in the mail. I will be switching the phone to another account 1st thing tomorrow morning. My friend (the new account holder for my phone) said that you’re welcome to call him to confirm. I will come out there to do anything you need until you’re able to find someone "new. I’m sorry this didn’t work out but I will not leave you without help until you’ve replaced me. I’ll just come when you’re up to it & you can let me in since I’ve sent my key back. I’ll call you from a phone this evening as soon as my roommate gets home to let me use his cell. I hope you’re well today.

Friday "I have no way to call I’m sorry. I’m going in to Verizon in 1 hour. They may need to call you to verify the removal of my phone line from your account. I’m hoping to keep my same number. My week has been extremely difficult without a phone & I’ve probably missed important calls.. You should get your key Saturday or Monday. Do you need any help out there or are you fine without me coming?"

Mara: The girl is insane

11/13/18, 6:50 PM

Mara: Called u but u did not call back. Just called 2 say hey & hope u are ding well!LU"

Right around that time Linda contacted me through text message with mom’s phone and gave me her telephone number.  She had questions about a ceiling fan globe that she was looking for to replace the one in mom’s front bedroom.  That is the only time I've had any contact with her.  Shortly after that mom stated that she was going to have to find someone else to help her out because Linda had too much going on to continue to do so.  I believe she did find someone else but again cannot remember their names.

Right before this exchange around late October or early November mom did something she has never done before.  She sent me a check for $5000 to complete some repairs on the house.  She also bought us both a new computer because mine died and hers was old too.  To say I was shocked speechless would have been an understatement.  This was the first of things that would be abnormal for mom to do however much it was appreciated.  It took a while to get the computer set up and even longer for me to get it to her because of the holidays and my schedule at work.  I kept all her password the same and made it as easy as I could for her to use it.  I also kept the passwords stored on my own computer so if she ever got locked out again, I could help her get back in.  That is how I was able to see the messages to and from these people.

I remember joking with mom one day when she was complaining about the people who help her out and told her she better slow down or she will run out of helpers if she doesn't.  She didn't believe it for a minute but the reality is I was much closer to the truth than either of us knew.  I know moms’ state of mind was deteriorating but she seemed to be doing okay most of the time.  It was her health that she was having a lot of issues with and couldn't find relief anywhere with any doctor.  The best I can tell, late May or early June, when I called her she would state that she had visitor’s, or another call coming in and she would call me back later.  No big deal.  But it continues to this day and the longer it went on the more worried I became. 

In 2 months I've talked to her about 15 minutes total and only because I insisted that she call back the other person later once.  Mom even called me once and told me she would call me back as soon as I answered the phone.  It was weird, and at first I thought maybe she tapped my number on her phone by mistake but now I just don't know.  She has just about stopped calling altogether and this is the same woman who would call my cell 2 or 3 times and if she couldn't get me, start calling my roommate and demand that I call her back immediately.

Looking back at my Amazon account I see I had ordered her some herbal sleep supplements that were delivered by July 9th, which means I ordered them on July the 2nd.  One of the early June phone calls with mom revealed that she hadn't been sleeping well again and she asked me to order and send the herbal supplement Sleep Thru to her.  I told her I would when I make my next order but it would be a while.  She also asked me if I would take care of her cat if something happened to her and after agreeing she had to go again.  That was about the extent of the conversation.  After I knew the supplements had been delivered, I wanted to verify that she received them but could not do so at any time thereafter.

I knew something was up when she answered the phone approximately July 23rd and sounded better than she had in a while.  Her voice was clear and she was alert but stated only that hospice was coming in and she had to go but she wasn't dying. Click.  I waited and called her again and told her I was coming out on my day off to see her for myself.  She said okay and she had to go again.  Click. Monday came and she called and said it wasn't a good time for me to come and she would talk to me later.  Click.  That was then end of that conversation and now I knew I had to go see her without letting her know I was coming because she would cancel at the last minute.   So I had made plans to go on Tuesday July 30th but my roommate went to the ER on Sunday the 28th and was in the hospital for almost a week.  I had to take care of the dogs so changed my plans to go down the Chester on Tuesday August 6th.  During this week I tried to call mom several times at different times with no luck.  I ended up leaving her a voice mail telling her I had figured out an issue with the computers as to why they were running so slow, so asked her to boot hers up and call me back.  No response.

Shortly after my roommate got out of the hospital, I got a friends request on FB that I didn't recognize and let it sit there for a few days before I put it together that it was moms, neighbors wife.  Mom had talked about the neighbor a lot and was having issues with him (big surprise) but rarely talked about his wife.  I remember her complaining about the neighbors tearing up the back yard with a vehicle, the garage being messy, him not cutting her grass and a few other things.  Mom seemed to be getting more and more aggravated with this neighbor and a feud looked like it was brewing.  So when I accepted the request, I sent them a message asking her what was going on over at moms and their response was to call them, so I did. 

During this conversation, I found out that Linda was back taking care of mom and things were escalating between her and the neighbors.  The neighbors told me that she had a security system installed at mom’s house with cameras that may also be inside as well to monitor the movements of mom and anyone who came in or near the home. Linda was driving mom’s car some and collecting her mail but may not be giving it to her.  Linda now visits less and less now that the cameras are installed but enough to keep the discord between her and the neighbors going.  Mom hasn't been seen out of the house in over a month and other than the hospice workers, no other friends have stopped by.  This is classic alienation of a victim when they are being set up to have their accounts drained and everything else taken from them.  This also puts my phone calls (or lack of response) into a better perspective.

After the late phone call with the neighbors on Friday, August 3rd, I sent a message through FB to my cousin about the situation and copy and pasted the message to mom’s brother and went to bed, slept poorly and got up early.  I again copied and pasted the message to several other family members and mom’s close friends to make them aware of the situation.  I also asked one of them if they knew of someone I could speak to in the police dept in Chester because I had decided to stop by there first and introduce myself as well as give them a heads up as to the nature of my visit.  I also let the family and friends know that was my intention and to please keep everything quiet until I found out more information.

Mom’s brother was also a topic of conversation with my cousin, in the fact that he will not respond or take any action to help this situation.  At least if the request is coming from me.  I have also paid for a background check on Linda and found little to help determine if she has done this kind of thing before.  

Over the next few days, I thought a lot about the possibilities with mom and Linda and tried to make a plan to try and see mom without Linda's knowledge by leaving as early as I can to have time to stop by the police dept. and get to moms before Linda's usual arrival between 10 am and 12 pm.  Best case scenario is to get there, knock on mom’s window and not the doorbell because Linda may have alerts sent to her phone anytime it rings.  Mom looks out, recognizes me and is willing and able to get up and let me in to see her.  I would like to see what's going on and talk to her face to face.  I will go in as if I don't know about Linda's presence or activities and check out her state of mind if possible.  I will have a letter written out in case the house is wired for audio so mom can read it using a pretext so that if she is in trouble she will know that I will help her if she wants and needs me to.  When I have gathered as much information as I can I will then ring the door bell and wait for Linda to arrive.

Worst case scenario is that Linda is confrontational and actions will be taken that require the police to get involved.  I will contact an agency for elder care and possible abuse if and when needed as well if DSS if that is an option but I will not wait for the piles of red tape to be cut through if mom is in trouble.  This is the date of August 4th and I will update progress after my visit and it very well may be time to get mom to make a few decisions about what she is going to do and if she needs constant care,to start looking for her a place to have that.  The moment I have dreaded for most of my life is on the way if not already here.

8/5 From neighbor when asked to detail some of the issues with Linda:  "Im really hoping that Linda just dislike us but is still good to Barbara! She was really nice at first, would talk to the kids, ask them how school went, etc. so I don’t know, it was just such a suddenly dislike after we called to check but I’m still hoping we are some how wrong about her. Sorry to hear about your bulldog. That’s Danny’s favorite type of dog. Some how we always end up with a different kind tho. I wanted to let you know also that Linda came today but somewhere around 2 she moved her car under the carport and took your moms car and hasn’t been back. If she isn’t back by this late it probably means she’s keeping your moms tonight. So if you see the white Volvo but your moms car is gone then Linda is still gone in it. If I notice her drop it back off I will try to let you know. "

After being there and talking with Linda directly by phone and texting, I found she was doing the best she could with what she had to work with.  She has some issues with mom and not only is it understandable but I'd have been surprised if she didn't.  She has tried very hard to get through to my mom and that is no easy feat even on a good day.  So after hearing both sides between the neighbors and mom, I understand the issues better than before.  I am sorry I had to find out this way and hope that Linda understands that I had to check things out because I was going in blind.  Mom and Linda believe that the neighbor was looking to inherit my grandmothers house and possibly buy some land that is available.  I have no idea why they would believe that it was even possible but when there is money involved things are bound to get messy not matter who is involved.  

The Heart of the Matter

My long weird journey to being healthier

As many of my friends know I started this journey around the end of 2012 after seriously using and abusing my body for 40 years.  Poor diets, sporadic sleep, low activity, high stress and trauma. So I'll state for the record I'm not a medical or holistic practitioner and I do not advise anyone to undertake any thing found in this article without doing your own serious research and/or finding your own qualified holistic practitioner.  The links I have provided are simply for more reading if interested and I do not get paid for anything from anyone on this blog.  Most of the information sourced here was gathered quite quickly from sites I have liked on Facebook or SOTT.net and have been used to give you an idea of why I'm doing it or living this way.  

If you are satisfied with western medicine and have good insurance... if there is such a thing, then I doubt you'll be interested in anything here.  I get asked sometimes why, how and how long I've been doing this and while there are people who love to talk about their diets and lifestyle, I do not really like talking about it any more especially with people who are mildly curious or indoctrinated into believing that big pharma, big government, the food industry or any other companies really have our best interest at heart.  I will volunteer my thoughts on things or products at work when a customer asks and they too are trying to give up the standard american diet (SAD) for a healthier one but I also know that many of my coworkers are just not interested.  I mean it is a grocery store and they are all surrounded by food all day or night long.  My friends may ask some questions too but their usual response is; I don't think I can do that.  But for the few people who are interested enough to try something different and are dissatisfied with their health enough to look at other approaches I can tell you that there is another way and I'm walking it one step at a time.  

The first and most important step in my opinion is that you have to change your mind set if you are the type to automatically dismiss alternative ideas to what health means or requires.  That in itself is a tall order but the next step is to understand how much work it can be then be willing to break it down into manageable steps.  Most of us have been conditioned to think, be, feel or do things a certain way and the thought of trying something that is totally different to what we've done before can bring a lot of of negativity front and center in our lives from many others and ourselves.  That is a defeatist attitude that can cause you to fail before you've even started.  Of course that can apply to many other areas if life but I'm talking about your health and mine too.    

When I started reading a lot on the diet and health topics it was during the time I was really searching for the meaning of life after Trey had passed.  Someone was having a serious health issue that prompted me to look for some relief for them.  It then became clear to me that while trying to unify the soul with the mind, that I also had to unify them with the body to be able to see as clearly as I could.  All three aspects are important to each other and if I was going to do some serious soul searching I needed to clean my body as well as my mind of the negative emotions, the lies I told, lived and believed and the traumas that had accumulated over the years which had also built up in the body or it's parts.  My heart was hurting so much over Trey that I needed to do something and here was new information and some that I had rarely if ever paid much attention too much less practiced any of it.  I mean when we are young we rarely pay attention to health advice because we don't yet feel the effects of all the poor choices we make so we falsely believe that we will feel the same at 40 as we do at 20... at least I did if, I ever gave it any thought at all at that age. 

I did know I was over weight at about 165 lbs, had sinus and allergy issues sometimes severely, had battled with acne all my life, had a small patch of eczema on my right elbow, had a heavy menstrual cycle where I would be very heavy for a week or more and then have two weeks off then on again and was starting the change of life at this time with hot flashes and a few night sweats.  Sometimes things just didn't smell right down there either and I was prone to having yeast infections and UTI's occasionally.  I was exhausted all the time and could sleep for many hours with little change. These things are minor in comparison to many of the autoimmune diseases that are prevalent now a days such as diabetes, RA, lupus, IBS and crones to name a few which I've learned stem from leaky gut syndrome which causes inflammation.  And with the billion dollar cancer industry that never seems to find a cure, I feel it's safe to say that they are not here to help us heal from any of these ailments.  But there had to be a way for me to try to avoid being a long term patient.  So I bit the bullet and started reading what I thought was going to be dry and boring material and was surprised to find much of it very interesting and easier to read than I thought.

It is during that time reading many articles or excerpts from books such as Wheat Belly, Primal Body Primal Mind, Detoxification and Healing and Detoxify or Die just to name a few, then reading about many others experiences and experiments of others trying to find a way of eating that encouraged health instead of destroying it.  And I read for a long while before I even tried anything.  But when you learn just how many of the foods you love are made and with the dangerous ingredients that are really not ingredients but science experiments or pure poison and GMO's (Genetically Modified Organisms) masquerading as food, then it becomes so much easier to give up these things that you're addicted to.  BTW the R&D that these companies put into the products are intentionally designed to make you addicted by tweaking the salt, fat, sugar, crunch to chewy ratios while adding little to no nutritional value so that you will eat more of the product trying to sate your bodies natural desire for vitamins and minerals.  I do know that when I was a kid many of these products and chemicals weren't developed yet and even the fast food we ate as kids wasn't nearly as dangerous as it is now.  But I too eat on the run, in restaurants and from many a boxed dinner over the years and my bad habits were catching up with me quickly.

So if you've come this far in learning then the next thing to really understand is the toxic environment the we all live in.  If your food and water is toxic... and it is, then you must remember that the air we breathe, the cleaning and beauty products we use, the pharmaceuticals we ingest, the chemicals we use for weeds and other outdoor aggravations, the ink in tattoo's that we may have, the materials we use to build and furnish our houses and the cars we drive are all toxic to different but still deadly levels when they are accumulated over a long period of time.  I've leaned that we can't get away from all toxins because it is everywhere all day long but we can try to lessen the toxic intake and the effects it has on our bodies.    

When I was ready, I prepared by saying goodbye to the foods I loved but knew were killing me slowly.  I told to my friends who asked early on that I'm not afraid of dying but I don't want a long slow painful death and that's the path I was on.  I gave up processed foods first and started to make my own food at home using real ingredients.  Over time I decided to cook once a week so I'd have food when I got up for breakfast and when I came home from work so it would lessen the temptation to eat things that I shouldn't be eating.  As with anything the more you do it the easier it gets to streamline the process and the bonus is that you just have one mess to clean up.  So take a day to prep for the week and you'll be much more likely to stick to it.  Also I wasn't used to getting up and eating breakfast.  I had to train myself to eat in the morning and it took a while to get over the gag reflex as well as the little bit of nausea that came with it.  But taking supplements on an empty stomach unless otherwise directed isn't a good idea.  

Then I gave up wheat, grains of any kind including oats and rice, white potatoes and many other starches, corn and all the by products, legumes which meant most beans and peanut butter, then dairy, then the hardest one... Coca Cola.  I had been drinking Coke for so many years and it was my crutch so it was the hardest to give up and switch to water.  That took using a few of the natural sodas found at a local health store every so often to curb the cravings but after a while I began to crave the water itself.  I also dropped all vegetable or peanut oils, margarine and all the other bad fats that were promoted as being healthy for us in favor or real butter, lard, coconut oils and real olive oil if I could find it.  I started using almond or coconut milk in my coffee and no I did not give up coffee!  Each time I gave something up I would try and incorporate a better habit and give my body time to acclimate to the changes I was making before taking on the next.  The older we are the harder or slower it is for our bodies to adjust to these changes without it going into total shock.  I remember I was talking with a woman at the hospital when I was visiting a friend that her 40 something year old son was there in the ICU with a massive heart attack after changing everything in his lifestyle at the first of the year.  He had giving up all sorts of things in favor for the AMA standard idea of diet and starting running several mile a day as well.  That conversation has stuck with me ever since.  Another thing I noted in my journey was that my tasted buds changed after some time and things I didn't like before started to taste better after you get away from all the artificial flavoring.  Yes I tried things I didn't like again either because they are good for the body or I wanted something different that would help get over a craving for something I couldn't eat.  Example being guacamole.  It just looked gross but I got over that and now can eat it just fine.  I'm still not sure if I'm ready to try beets again... 

There are a lot of semi variations and some of them are called Paleo short for Paleolithic diet or Caveman diet (which is really not a diet at all, it is a lifestyle and what I do) AIP (Auto Immune Protocol),  Whole 30, GAPS, (Gut and Psycology Syndrome Protocol), SCD (Specific Carbohydrate Diet, Primal, and the Keto or Ketogenic Diet that is like Paleo squared in the terms of restrictions and results.  As with most of them it means restricting certain foods depending on what they are doing to your body and introducing nutrient dense food to help fuel your energy requirements.  Some people can't have nightshades or eggs or any nuts in their diet because it causes inflammation in their bodies.  I can tell you now, I doubt I'd be able to do the Keto diet which is roughly 75 to 80% healthy fats, 15 to 20% protein and 0 to 5% carbs for the day.  I have tried but I missed vegetables terribly.  While I've read a lot about it and can see the benefits of the different methods I'm now having a hard enough time with Paleo and upping my good fats per day. So for breakfast I have 2 sausage patties and 3 boiled eggs. For lunch I now have bacon or chicken salad where I used to either eat fruit or a couple of Larabars.  And for dinner I select one of the two meats I've cooked and a couple of vegetables.  What ever you decide to do, just eating cleanly as possible on your budget while nourishing your body with real, readily absorbed nutrients is the most important factor in eating Paleo.  

Two of the other big factors in this journey is stress and sleep.  Most of us deal with an incredible amount of stress and some of it is self induced.  Stress is the fight or flight response to certain situations and causes the body to produce cortisol.  Too much of it can damage many of your organs as well as cause a host of other issues and can also hurt any dietary changes you are trying to make.  Stress also makes it difficult to concentrate on more important things in life and since I was trying to improve my mind, body and soul it made sense to manage it as best as I could.  It took a long time to find things to help but getting out of the bad situation I was in certainly went a long way toward helping.  The other is proper sleep.  I'm talking about going to bed before 10 pm and getting enough deep sleep to help repair damage done to our bodies during the day.  This was a hard one for me because I liked to stay up late and sleep during the day but again it took time and effort to change my habits.  I do use Melatonin to replace the Tylenol PM I was using and at first started using 5-HTP along with GABA to help relax before going to bed but I don't have to use those two any longer.  I also learned that sleeping in a totally dark room was helpful for our bodies natural repair system to function properly and the cooler the room temp the better.  Adding a white noise such as a fan is also helpful when trying to up your sleep quality.  My next step will to be try elevating the head of the bed just slightly, about an inch to help the lymph nodes to drain properly.  

In tandem with the Paleo diet, I also embarked on the detoxification of my body by using high doses of vitamins, minerals and herbs taken at certain times combined with other techniques such as detox baths where I soak in hot water for 40 or so minutes using Epson Salt and Baking Soda to help pull the toxins from my skin, which is the biggest organ our body has.  You can use things like Apple Cider Vinegar, Hydrogen Peroxide and many different essential oils if you'd like but I was just using the basics.  The first 20 minutes pulls toxins out and the last 20 pulls magnesium into out bodies.  I've used oil pulling where you melt about 2 Tbs of coconut oil and swish it around your mouth for about 20 minutes then spit it out to pull the toxins out of my mouth.  I had a mouth full of dental amalgams that produced all kinds of mercury toxicity as well as root canals that basically left dead roots under the gums which then leached bacteria and other toxins into my bloodstream.  In 2007 I had all my teeth removed but one root canal and after reading about it had that one removed too.  But even with removal of all this my body still stored all the toxins in the fat and this detoxing was critical in removing as much as possible.  I've even tried coffee enemas which are very useful if not just gross and a pain to do.  But beware that using high doses of vitamins and herbs may have a few draw backs such as you should NOT combine some of them with certain medications and medicinal herbs are very powerful especially in the right combination so, I would learn as much as possible before embarking on this route.

This journey is one that will be a long one with much to read and experience and that of course includes the vitamins, minerals and herbs themselves.  I needed to learn about each one, what they were, what it helped, how much and when to take them.  There are a lot of different ones and the most important ones for me are magnesium, vitamins C & D with K2, probiotics, milk thistle and fish oil.  Quality is important and sourcing the best ones for your budget takes time but if you are buying them from one of the major box stores you will be wasting your money because as always there are companies that use the cheapest ingredients and fillers to make a buck and those companies give the rest of the industry a bad rep.  I still take more than these twice a day but these are the basics and the rest is for specific issues I still deal with.  I started using a lot when I decided to take the journey and part of the detox process includes flushing each organ starting with the kidneys and colon preparing them to be able to flush out the toxins efficiently then working on the parasites and yeast build up that we all have, then moving on to the liver and gallbladder flushes where the toxins are filtered through and then hopefully moving on to the heavy medal detoxing which I desperately needed to undertake.  Everything seemed to be going well until I found myself in the healing crises stage or the Jarisch- Herxheimer reaction which is the official name of it.  It was a mild one at first where my left ear became full of fluid which I could hear moving around but I couldn't hear anything else out of it.  It started just after a beach trip where I went swimming in a hotel pool and it continued long after I came home.  

A few months prior to this I had started seeing a Chiropractor to help ease some of the lower back and neck pain I was having and as we talked he referred me to his then wife a Eastern Holistic Practitioner which specialized in natural whole food supplements and acupuncture based on Chinese medicine and techniques.  I was hesitant to say the least but had tried everything I could think of including every google search to find a way to unblock my ear to no avail.  So I set up an appointment with her and the first consult was a very weird experience for someone like me who's never visited anything other than a western doctors office.  For the record I did visit the western doctors office first about my ear and knew after much research that I needed an antiviral to help unblock the mucus.  The doctor argued with me about it several times and wanted me to take an antibiotic for it which I also knew wouldn't do a thing for it but mess up my gut even more.  

So the first visit with what I now just call my Nutritionist started with the typical questions of what problems are you having and medical history.  She told me that getting to the root of the problems would take time and require that I stick to the regimen to see results.  She then had me lay down on a table with my head slightly elevated holding my right arm straight in the air where she used her left hand to touch either pressure points or vital energy centers called chi or qi and then used her right arm to test the resistance in my right arm.  If a center was strong then I'd be able to withstand the slight pressure she applied easily, but if it was weak then she'd be able to push my arm down quite easily herself.  It is sort of an Applied Kinesiology I think based on my reading and yes I know it sounds hokey at best.  She also used this technique to determine any foods I should avoid and I was already avoiding all on the list which made it much easier to keep doing so.  She again used the same technique to prescribe certain supplements for me and advised that my adrenal glands were wiped out, my liver and gallbladder were in bad shape and scheduled me to go for a blood test to see what my levels of deficiencies in certain things were.  So I gathered my large bag of supplements and left doubting that this had a chance of working but was still willing to give it a try.

A few months went my, I had moved to Dad's and the act of physically moving, cleaning and stress I was under caused me to lose a lot of weight in a short period of time.  I got down to a 113 lbs and into a size 4 pants that I hadn't seen since kindergarten.  I knew I wouldn't stay at that weight for long because it was just to skinny for me and once things settled down a bit I would gain some of it back and I did.  My normal weight seems to be between 125 and 130 lbs.  I still continued to see the Nutritionist and things started to change like the circles under my eyes were no longer black, they had faded to a light gray.  The changes in eating habits had also helped with many of the issues listed earlier and I was feeling a little better each day.  Then one day as I'm out walking Gus my ear just popped open and I could hear again.  It was amazing to me and that's when I lovingly started calling my Nutritionist the Witch Doctor because that's was it felt like.  Interesting enough, one of the supplements I was on at the time was an natural antiviral, just like what I had asked the western doctor for.  Imagine that?  Please note that not every holistic practitioner is created equal.  I got lucky and for me that is a rare thing.  I would do some if not a lot of research on the practitioner you are thinking about going to, even if you are referred to them.  I asked a lot of questions in the beginning about what she was doing, what my issues were and what did each supplement do for these issues.  Since then I have learned that when I took a natural remedy before I changed my diet and others things and found that it wasn't effective it was because I was still trying to treat a symptom of another underlying issue and not the root cause.  It was like putting a band aid on a gun shot wound.  Now however, I do find relief from many problems using these treatments correctly because I keep cleaning my body and have a better understanding of what the real problems are. 

As time went on I found I couldn't keep up with doing the maintenance flushes or detox baths here because of time, energy, money and Dad kept the hot water heater at the lowest settings which didn't do much good for the baths.  I still maintained the diet which can be a challenge working in a grocery store and living with others who do not.  I eventually got the hot water heater turned up high enough for the baths to resume but got lazy in taking the time to do them.  When you are caring for someone who is in the last stages of life, it is harder to find the time to take care of yourself.   

Then one day last year the Nutritionist told me I had a problem with yeast and that's why I have low energy, itchy dry skin in places, gained weight back up to 147 lbs and the yeast was causing the supplements to only be effective for a short time on any infections that cropped up.  She advised that I give up ALL sugar for at least 30 days and I tried.  I really did.  Everything up until this point was like a cake walk compared to this.  The cravings were so intense that I have a better appreciation for anyone trying to kick any hard drug out there because sugar is as addictive as a drug.  And it is in everything.  Just read the labels like I do but when also trying to avoid many of the chemicals in food.  It's in BBQ sauce in the form of molasses which I eat a lot of and of course the fruit and veggies I do get to eat has a lot of sugar or breaks down to sugar which feed the yeast.  I had become addicted to HT almond butter which was made with nothing but raw almonds so I could add a spoonful of honey and Himalayan Pink salt to the 16 oz jar combined with 85% dark chocolate as a night time snack or LaraBars which are made of fruit and nuts.  As time went on, I found that I was craving more on more sugar and the yeast was the culprit.  But on the 29th day of the sugar detox I was about to lose my mind and gave in to have almond butter and the dark chocolate.  It was so intense and I felt defeated.  Of course the Nutritionist was disappointed that I gave in but she kept urging me to try again.  A year after that, about 8 months ago, I decided that it was time.  I had developed a rash on my left eye that seemed to be eyelid dermatitis among the worsening of the other symptoms that had left me no other choice.  So I bit the bullet and gave it all up again and more.  Now I had to also give up all starches like arrowroot flour that I used as a substitute for flour sometimes, all nuts, cocoa in all forms, peas and carrots.  Peas and carrots?  Yes.  Dang.  

Not only was I miserable with the cravings itself but again another healing crises arrived and the first was the extremely itchy rash that started near my eyes and spread over my face and neck which I had the first time.  Then came the inability to sleep at night for very long or well and then came the constipation which combined with the first two made me as irritable as a bear in a hornets nest hoping it was honey.  So instead of sugar I turned to bacon and now I eat A LOT of bacon to help with the temptations.  It usually works but after 3 months of being miserable I gave in again and had two LaraBars (20 grams of sugar total) one Monday night and slept better than I had for months and got up the next morning to take the biggest poop I have ever taken in my life.  I know TMI but dang, I felt so much better.  The next afternoon I was scheduled to see the Nutritionist and I admitted my slip but had got back on the wagon again.  Because supplements are expensive and I am still buying some through Amazon, a lot for Gus as well, it is hard for me to tackle all the problems at once.  Instead of seeing her once a month as I was doing I had to go every two weeks because the yeast get used to whatever you are using against it so it is beneficial to change the course of treatment to better kill more of them.  And she was also helping me manage the yeast die off symptoms which made it more bearable than the first time.  I have resumed the detox baths now twice a weeks to help with that as well and started drinking Pau d' Arco and a detox tea in the evenings with a little lemon juice (no sugar) to help as well as give me a little different flavor.  As for the baths I was wondering if they really were working but after resuming them this time I found that if I missed one or went too long before I took one I'd feel sluggish and after taking them I'd feel a little lighter.  Then I added the apple cider vinegar bath to the rotation to also help with the yeast and found another benefit, it helps make my skin feel smoother and my hair softer.  Who knew? 

I did hope to be through with this no sugar asap because I really, really wanted some almond butter with chocolate and I also found out something interesting too.  Without some sugar life is not as sweet (pardon the pun).  I didn't have the joy of cooking like the way I did before and it became just a thing I had to do as quickly as I could to get out of the kitchen.  So any food I did eat during that time just doesn't taste as good as it used too.  It's like I wasn't  cooking with love any more, it was just a chore and it tastes like it.  I know it's sad and it wasn't forever but some days it felt like it.  I was reading about people who were trying to take the yeast on by themselves and they were having a hellava time with the die off symptoms and other things.  I do not advise anyone in their right mind to go off alone because you will really need the support, expertise and proper supplements to get through this without losing your mind.  I had been off wheat and many other foods for a long while before I started this and I still had a hard time.  I couldn't imagine having to take all this on at once. 

I am a lot more active now that I ever was partly because my job requires lots of walking all day.  I also do a lot on my days off at home and always have something that needs to be fixed, found, cleaned, moved or replaced.  I've started back with my chiropractic treatments after 5 years of being unable to afford them.  I am also thinking of starting yoga, if I can find the time. Seriously!  I need to stretch and help my body deal with normal aches and pains or even prevent them while at work.  We'll see how that goes and no, never in a million years did I ever think I'd be trying yoga.  But I've bought a mat and googled some videos and tried it a few times.  The dogs think its play time so I will have to figure out a way around that too.

Another part of this journey is dealing with emotional issues that have plagued me for most of my life.  Reading of course, the right books for which there are many, help put things into perspective such as The Narcissistic Family, Trapped in the Mirror, Unholy Hungers, Strangers to Ourselves, Thinking Fast and Thinking Slow, Without a Conscience, Redirect and Character Disturbance to name but a few.  These are not self help books in the traditional sense but they are packed with information that isn't readily available to many who may need it most.  It helps to understand the people around you as much as yourself so you can be prepared to make decisions based on objective truth as much as possible whenever the need arises.  In these books I found many answers I had been seeking most of my life and referred to them as I continued to write this blog.  Writing itself about my experiences in life helped so much to get it out of my head, see where I had gone wrong and it also forces you to put a period at the end of a chapter, if you can finish it that is.  It's a way of finding whatever resolution you can with situations that have caused you a great deal of grief.  It's a form of emotional detox with the added bonus of arming you with information that will help you in the future... if you let it!  Something else to think about along these lines will be very scary for many people... give up or severely limit your tv, phone and internet time.  These devices interfere with brainwaves, your subconscious, your mental health and something called your frequency resonance vibration.  I may watch a show on Netfix or Hulu but I don't binge watch them.  Usually 1 or 2 a day if I find something really good.  I still play my game on FB but don't read much less interact with many people there, especially during political seasons.  The insanity is just so over the top that I ain't doing it.  As for my phone, it's usually on my desk or in the locker at work.  I don't have it in my hand every minute of the day and I actually turn if off at night.  Yes, there is an off button on your phone... somewhere.

Because I've been asked about this I will try and explain it here for those of you who still partake in a habit that is now vilified more and more everyday.  Smoking has become the poster boy for a lot that is bad with the body, environment and society.  And maybe to some degree there is a little truth in that because of the added chemicals, toxins and pesticides used on or added to the tobacco that the major cigarette companies use.  When I started this journey, I was preparing myself mentally to quit a habit I had started when I was about 13.  Yea, I know... But again, I came across information about smoking or tobacco which came as a relief.  It is the opposite of what the AMA advises and many who read this will not or cannot even entertain the thought, so if that is you, maybe you want to skip this part.  There are more and more benefits to smoking and there are cigarettes out there with much fewer chemicals and toxins than the major brands.  Smoking is blamed more often for lung cancer but may play only a small part if any in that particular disease.  My dad died from stage 4 lung cancer and had been smoking for most of his life but instead of looking at all the chemicals and vaccinations from his military days or all the chemicals he used at home the docs blamed it on smoking of course.  Those black lung pictures we were shown and told was caused by smoking were in all probability a coal miners lung.  I had a friend whose dad was a non smoking coal miner with black lung disease.  I have also read that they are using more lungs from smokers for transplants and if that's the case then the lungs must be vetted to be good enough for a transplant.  Makes you wonder why the AMA would take another beneficial possibility such as tobacco and vilify it along with others things like supplements?  Hmmm... profit possibly or maybe they are trying for a cover up or scapegoat  tobacco because the chemical companies have a huge stake in the research of such things.  While second hand smoke may not be pleasant for some to smell, the adverse health effects that are touted are a joke.  Some people just have a genetic predisposition to smoke... simply put because it's in their genes.  So there are reasons why I continue to smoke and enjoy it!

So how do I feel since I've been eating, supplementing, detoxing and exercising this way now for almost 6 years?  Better than I did when I started.  My skin is clearer (save for the yeast die off rashes), my energy is better than before, but probably will never be great, my monthly has evened out and when it doesn't it's a sign of another issue.  The eczema is gone and I rarely have sinus and allergy issues even in the spring when others are suffering.  I hadn't had a hot flash or night sweat since I started... until recently.  I'm about to turn 47 so it's about that time I guess.  My Nutritionist has something for that too!  The depression I was under has lifted and I can feel joy again when it comes to little things.  My mind is clearer than before even if I don't always use it.  It has made the difference between coming home tired and coming home exhausted to the point of not being able to move.  I still have a lot more to learn and practice but I can advise anyone to listen to your body.  It is trying to tell you what is wrong.  I now know that a simple thing like a crick in my neck could mean that a low level infection has set in or that your gallbladder and liver could be full of stones which can affect the way you breathe.  After you have not eaten a food for a long time and try to reintroduce it back into your diet, pay attention to how it makes you feel and any of the symptoms you may have had before.  And as always if you are on any medication that shouldn't be stopped cold turkey then please, please talk to your doctor or health practitioner about that medication and how to get off of it the right way.  When talking with a friend of mine after I came home, she decided that she was just going to quit all the antidepressants and other meds.  It did not turn out well because she didn't have a back up plan or do it in a way that was healthy... and that it my whole point here.  To got as healthy as we can with what we've got. 

For the future I want to focus on other areas of interest and one is to be able to explore red light therapy.  It seems very interesting and promising.  I'd also like to be able to afford more grass fed, organic meats and vegetables which would impact my health in a more positive direction.  I'd like to be able to implement other toxic reducing measures around the house and yard and if I stick to it, someday I will.  I have learned that any of us can only do so much but taking the first steps in the journey is the most important part.  I'm glad I did because who knows what kind of shape I'd be in today if I hadn't.  This isn't a quick fix and no one got into the shape they are in over night so don't expect to be out if it in the same time frame.   

Now lets talk about price.  You say it is expensive to change the way you eat or use supplements of good quality and for long periods of time if it's necessary much less find a holistic practitioner and you would be correct.  There is also a learning curve and experimenting with what works for you can be even more costly if you haven't done your own research.  But you will be paying co-pays later with western doctors visits and or any hospital visits that your insurance doesn't cover.  Medical bills are astronomical now a days and it can bury a person or family for many years to come.  When I compared the two, I decided to try and avoid the back end cost of poor health by trying to pay in advance or at least up front.  I spend between $200 to $ 350 a month to see my doctor depending on the supplements I need and about $100 to $200 a month on supplements for Amazon.  My chiropractor visits are $55 a month.  My grocery bill is ranging between $200 to $ 300 a month now.  I do shop sales at work and have a freezer to stock up on meats when they are on sale.  

On the other hand there are insurance plans that are costing some people between $300 and $1400 a month depending on the key phrase... preexisting conditions.  Even with that there is still out of pocket expenses. the cost of OTC medications and such.  I have the most basic plan because I've made the decision now about not doing western treatment for diseases and depending on accidents my bill can and will be very high because of that.  It's a trade off for me at this point in my life and I have a living will stating my desires to that effect.  And let's face the facts here.  It is time consuming to take charge of your own health and life at first with all the reading, learning, purging of the old food and reintroducing the new, finding natural doctors, dealing with any health issues that are affecting your day to day life and balancing all this with work, family or other obligations.  That is a tall order especially of you don't feel good or are sick but it can be done, slowly, steadily and you can work with whatever budget you have at the moment.  This isn't a race; it's a change in course that will have you going forward, backwards, side to side and sometimes just standing still.  It can be done. 

As a side note my buddy Gus who is an English Bulldog almost 13 years old and giving me the hairy eye at the moment because he is waiting for his nightly treat so we can go to bed is also on a grain free diet with many different supplements because as a pure breed he is prone to all sorts of ailments and health issues.  I think many of them are keeping some of his problems at bay such as apple cider vinegar capsules that help him pee.  Who knew?  I found out the hard way when I ran out one day and he kept trying to go and go and go but nothing would happen.  Then it dawned on me what I hadn't given him in a could of days so had to give him the liquid stuff which wasn't pleasant for either of us but he started going again.  I hope to make his remaining days with me as comfortable as possible because he is worth it!      

Changing things within.

You know... I've changed a lot in some aspects and in others, very little.  I guess it depends on who you ask, when and if the person you ask is able to really see objectively.  That's the challenge at the end of the day... seeing people as they are as well as the world we live in without biased thinking clouding up what is real.  I know I am a loner and prefer to do as many things possible on my own as I can.  I also know that I have a habit of taking on big projects that cannot possibly be done by myself and that makes for difficult times to say the least.  I do crave companionship at certain times but often don't know what to do with it when I have it.  Being difficult is something I specialize in without really trying.

Moving home clarified a lot of things for me.  Dealing with all that was going on was a big factor because too many people I knew for well over 20 years had turned into people I wouldn't be around if we had just met.  It was another traumatic ordeal that still took a lot of time to process even though I had an intellectual understanding of what I was dealing with, the emotional healing took more time.  It made me look at all the relationships that I had going on, even the ones where we weren't close any longer, except for a brief message or so.  While I may prefer to be alone more often than not, I did reach out and try to keep in touch with those people in my past to see how they were doing and to catch up.  Again more often than not they were too busy dealing with their own traumas and burdens to respond.  I understood that all too well.  Life has a way of taking over and people who are not in your daily life just kind of fade away.  But it never stopped me from thinking about them from time to time.

So with the the move home I decided to let go of people from my past.  Like the Hinson family, anyone associated with Scott with the exception of our neighbor Karen, until she lost her battle with cancer late last year and few other friends that I hadn't spoke to in a long while.  Some of the reasons were simple self preservation and others, I didn't want to feel like I was a bother to them or was just plain nosy when I asked questions about their life.  But Trey's death not only changed how people saw me or how they responded to me if they responded at all, it changed how I saw them as well.  I can only guess that I made them uncomfortable even though I could still empathize with what they were going through.  A few would vent about things then follow it up with, I know it pales in comparison to what you've been through, and then the awkward silence followed again by my reassurances that their problems where just as important to me as if Trey was still here.  But at the time, I don't think that made much of a difference in their eyes.  

While Trey's death was the largest catalyst in one of many that caused shifts in my thinking, world views and life in general, it was the gigantic push to make me really start examining why and how did we get here.  What started as a very personal search for answers didn't even start immediately just because of the enormity of the loss of Trey and the loss of myself during those first few years.  I didn't realize it much at the time because losing myself was so unimportant.  I ceased to matter to myself.  There was no more hope for the future and I was just ready to go.  Every day was just a matter of going through the motions to get the bare minimum done so I could retreat back into this inner world that was filled with loss, pain, guilt, memories, questions and the ever present hope that I would just go to sleep one night and not wake up so I could be with him again and away from this world which I now despised with every fiber of my being.  I didn't know how long these feelings would last because it felt like there was no turning back but rationally I knew that with time these feelings would subside.

Some of you may think this was unhealthy as did the few now ex friends at the time but it was the only way I knew how to deal with the reality of a loss so staggering that it made any and all previous heartaches look like a walk in the park in comparison.  During those other times when I was hurting the only thing that helped was sitting alone with the pain and giving it free rein to run its course.  Acknowledging each and every thought and emotion whether it made sense or was valid was the only way I had for even trying to deal with all the changes Trey's death had brought.  Dealing with most people had always drained me of energy and at that time I simply had no more to give.  I wasn't mean, cruel or heartless, I was just done even trying to pretend that I was okay and interested in the day to day activities that seemed so pointless to me at that time.  Did that make me a bad friend or family member? I'm sure it did and to some degree I regret that.  But looking back on the types of relationships that I was in, I realized how superficial, conditional and emotionally draining they were.  I may not have understood what a healthy relationship was but I had loads of experience in unhealthy relationships and was more than ready to just be alone so I could try and make some sense of the new normal that I was in.

Was this selfish?  Absolutely.  I mean I knew and understood that especially my family were having as difficult time as I was just in their own way.  I was powerless to help them anymore than I could help myself because they weren't ready to deal with it at all during this stage of the first year when pushing through the business of death. Then trying to find a peaceful resolution to the problem of my parents unhappy marriage while delaying the time I needed to process everything, I came to the realization that nothing I could or would do would ever be right or enough when it came to them.  Turns out I was only half way right.  I have wrote before that my family imploded after Trey died, but I didn't write what my involvement in it was or at least the whole thing.  That first year for me was nothing but pushing myself to get as much done as possible because I knew I wanted a long break from the responsibilities of owning a house, the near constant drama and the continuation of being the peacemaker with my family.  I had hoped that when we started construction on the house the end result would be that mom would have another place to live with the option of coming home if she chose and dad would be able to live his final days here in relative comfort leaving me the choice to finally do what I needed to do which was to go be on my own for a while without having to worry about them and feel guilty because of it.  Well it didn't work out like that way as many of you know because of Don the Con (aka Rosco) with my dad and because of a beach trip in 2012 with my mom. 

By this time 4 years had passed since Trey had died and I had just started my journey of trying to find those answers of why and how did we end up here.  I had begun to read many things about spirituality and books on psychological behaviors in an effort to understand why I am the way I am. To understand that I also needed to understand why other people were the way they were and why was I either attracted to them or vice versa.  After sitting with the pain for about 2 and a half years it had eased somewhat or at least enough to let me begin a journey that I had hoped would lead me out of a constant hell I was in emotionally and physically.  The situation where I was living was just starting to turn unbearable and mom wanted to go to the beach for a week, so I set up the arrangements and we went.  I still don't know why we bothered to go because she couldn't do very much and just wanted to stay in the hotel room the entire time.  I mean we could have just skipped the expense of the trip and stayed at home to have the conversation that happened there.  The long and short of it was mom kept asking the same questions she had asked for many years looking for a different answer.  She was looking for me to tell her she made the right decisions about her and Trey's life, to agree with her about my father and to absolve her from any wrong doing when it came to those decisions.  I on the other hand knew that each and every one of us had a hand in the events leading us to Trey's death and would not placate her constant but unbelievably unrealistic recollections of the past where we all were to blame except for herself.  

I was trying to talk to her about problems in my life that were happening right then and it was as if it was of no concern to her, which in reality it wasn't.  I had known that for a very long while and yet I kept trying to connect with her.  She had stopped making decisions a long time ago yet would complain how miserable her life was.  I didn't understand how if a person was so miserable why they didn't at least try to make some changes to alleviate as much of their own suffering as possible.  I'm the opposite, I like solutions to problems so that I can have as much peace of mind as possible but I did understand that sometimes you need to take a break from things to deal and regroup.  So when everything I had held back over the years while I was being the peacemaker bubbled up to the surface and when she pushed for the answers she wanted to hear, not the truth, I unloaded how I truly felt about everything.  Probably not effectively because in an emotionally charged discussion I tend to skip around unlike being able to write things down in a way that makes sense and gets my full point across.  Mom deflected much of what I said and her most notable response was one I had heard many times... "But what about me?"  We were talking about her and some of the things she could have done to make her own life a bit easier at least in some ways but they did require effort on her part.  She then accused me of doing some things in the past, which I admitted to the ones I did do and expressed regret but I also was clear about the ones I didn't do.  During the conversation I got so mad I punched the wall and she said you've got you dad in you, you know?  I said of course I do because I have 50% of his DNA and that seems to be one of her big issues with me.  I know, I had crossed a line that day but I had had enough of holding back my true feelings, thoughts and needs.  I said my peace and later in writing through a FB message to get my point across and made peace with the fact that it would make absolutely no difference in then end.  Mom was the way she was and there was nothing that would change her point of view or her life.  I had just made the hardest decision of that time which was to separate myself from the hope of having a semi normal relationship with her and there was another grieving process that came with that as well.   

Was I right in telling her the truth about how I felt? Depends on who you ask.  Did it feel right? No it didn't, it was very difficult to tell her but it was something I needed to do.  Do I have regrets about it? No not about telling the truth, my regrets are for not telling her sooner because if I had done so it may have been the beginning of a change for both of us which could have lead to a different relationship.  If any of you have read any of this blog then you will see a theme here.  I do walk away from many relationships where I feel it is either unhealthy or a dead end.  Why?  I feel like I've wasted enough time with people who aren't willing to work on there own issues, themselves or care enough about me to work on whatever relationship we my have.  I just don't have the energy to be the lone person who does most of the work which I feel is important.  Through my readings I have learned that it's okay to walk away from spiritually and emotionally draining people who can't or won't take responsibility for themselves.  You can not save them and I can not enable them to keep hurting themselves or me.  But relationships with our parents are different in they are still your family no matter what may go on.  So while my relationship with my mom is strained at best, I still love her and will do what I can to help her but I will not be getting my hopes up again.  

Moving home to be with dad in the last year and a half of his life was something I needed to do for various reasons but I can tell you it wasn't something I wanted to do.  Now, I can tell you that it was the best thing that could have happened.  Getting to spend time with him without my mom around helped me see him a bit more clearly.  Dad wasn't a saint by any means but he was more open with his mistakes and regrets and the talks we had cleared the air.  I hope it gave him some peace before he died because I understood more now about why he was the way he was.  I think what surprised me most was his willingness to help other people when they needed it the most. Especially me when I first got home when it came to little things.  And he didn't expect very much in return although I made sure things were as easy for him as I could.  I didn't mind cooking, cleaning and shopping for him.  And for me that was saying something because I didn't really like to do those things for myself.  It just came naturally.  Although were we both struggling with our own issues and problems the simplicity of our relationship was something we both desperately needed although I didn't even know it at the time.  Dad gave me a place where I could just be and that was the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.    

I understand that most relationships are complicated and require compromise.  I was usually willing to try the complicated and wasn't deterred by the work that was involved because nothing worth having comes without work.  But the relationship I had with Dad during the last few months of his life showed me that it doesn't always have to be complicated and there was a way to work things out to the best of our ability.  It was easy to admit I made mistakes when I left him alone with Don the Con and refused his calls for four years.  We were both able to forgive each other because we both recognized where we went wrong and admitted it.  We forgave each other without even saying it or I'm sorry. It was clear in our actions that we had come to a place of acceptance.  Now there were still a lot of little things that didn't get worked out but the big ones where addressed and it seemed to work for both of us.  I also understand that during his final days dad was grappling with the end of life regrets, decisions, worries and probably the fear of dying itself.  I feel that had a lot to do with our willingness to forgive the past for both of us.  

After we got Dads diagnosis, I did send mom a message on FB asking her about what she wanted to do with house, wills and other things around the end of June 2014 which got no response and later another message stating that I didn't want to push her but there was some serious stuff going on around here.  If she wanted to respond or know more she should call but I never heard a word from her.  So dad and I made the decision to not tell her that he was dying.  And things went on like that until about 2 or 3 weeks before the end when he asked me one night to go ahead and call mom.  I told him I would in the morning because it was too late to do it then but when we woke up the next morning he had changed his mind and told me not to.  I made sure that was what he wanted because I would have called her right then.  I knew that no matter what had happened between them he still loved her and missed her very much.  It still bothers me to this day that he wasn't able to say what he need to say to her and maybe it's my fault for not just outright calling her.  I know I was being selfish to some degree because during those last few weeks Dad was declining and Hospice was here more often with more and more instructions on what needed to be done.  I don't know what I would've done without my friend Nic who came here to check on Dad when I was at work and to help me with some of the more physical aspects of moving dad when he couldn't move himself.  During all this time I was stressed, worried and facing the loss of my Dad which was hard enough.  I just couldn't deal with mom being here unless that was what he would've wanted and then I would have gotten through it I guess.  

It wasn't until he had passed that I called mom to tell her the news and she was shocked of course and asked why I hadn't called her before.  I had almost told her if she really wanted to know she should've called after my message but I didn't.  Then she asked if she could come here for the night.  I reluctantly agreed and she came for 2 days instead.  We talked of inconsequential things most of the time but when she asked one of those questions she didn't really want to know the answer to, I just changed the subject or when she brought up the past with her and dad, I would cut her off.  I had heard all I could from her point of view and didn't want to hear it again.  The only thing of relevance I brought up was a question about why she continued her relationship with my ex friend Scott after every thing that had happened and she stated, "I like Scott and he hasn't done anything to me so why not?"  I tried to explain that if someone like that had treated someone I loved they way he did, I definitely would have walked away at the very least but she didn't agree.  She also volunteered a few tid bits of information concerning things about what my Grandmother had done with her will.  Later after Grandma had died I learned that had also turned out to be false and again she claimed that she had never stated such things.  Earlier though, when my heat and air unit went out she did loan me the money to get a new one which I am grateful for.  While I don't know of the specific motives for either of these opposite actions, I do know the general ideas as to why, because of my reading.  It doesn't always help but at least now I have some answers that I can work with as well as tools to use to help me deal with the way she is.    

It took a while to get used to being in the house I grew up in alone.  It just felt weird after Dad passed, seeing his things and Trey's room too.  But Dad's death was in some ways easier than Trey's because I could prepare for it and we had our chance to say goodbye.  On that Saturday morning I talked to him off and on for about an hour and a half while he was unconscious hoping that he could at least hear my voice if not the words.  I wanted him to know that whatever was on the other side, he'd be able to handle it and the peace he need so desperately would finally be with him.  I told him the only judgement he would face would be his own and that this life was nothing but a place for lessons to be learned.  I asked him to let go of any hatred he may have had in his heart because that was something that could be problematic later on.  I asked him if he would tell Trey I love him for me and I love you Deddy... no matter what... I love you.  As soon as I got up to get his next dose of meds he decided it was time to go.  

To be able to spend those last hours with him is something I will never forget but the most important thing for me was to know that he didn't have to suffer any more mental anguish and that he could be free.  Our acceptance and forgiveness of each other was a freeing thing and it has stayed with me since.  It took a while to get things settled after his death and to find a balance between work and getting things done around the house that had been neglected for far to long.  I had rented out the camper in an effort to make a few extra dollars and ended up having to sell it for next to nothing because by then it needed way more work to repair the damage that had been done to it after the last renters moved out.  The death of another dream became a relief in time.  I knew that my time of being on the road had passed and my new life here had began.  Later I had talked with someone from work who was going to bring his mom here to live and I told him I'm looking for another roommate.  His mom called me and she came up about a month later.  It's been well over a year now and things are good between us.  It's simple and of course no drama.  

When I got the call that Grandma had broke her hip and then a few weeks later that she was dying, I made several trips down to see her.  Mom had called Billy (moms half brother) to come down to take care of her and handle everything.  In a rare admission of one of her key issues, while still not acknowledging the consequences, she stated that she called Billy because she was tired of making decisions and it was his time to handle it.  And she meant it too because she rarely came out of her room the entire time.  I did talk to her some but made a point to get out there and at least be around the family.  I don't know why but I still felt like and outsider to a certain degree, through no fault of any of the family.  Maybe it was the fact that I didn't know some of them very well and hadn't tried.  During my visits and those last few weeks it again left like we were losing another part of our history and knew that would be the last time the family got together as a whole.  When I was down, there were different family members there each time save for Billy and mom.  I was apprehensive about seeing Billy because when I first moved home I needed help and wrote him a long detailed message which he read but didn't response to.  After 3 months had passed I sent him another message telling him that I was sorry to put him in that position but it not only bothered me that he ignored me completely but that was one of the major problems I saw with this family.  Emotional distance when it mattered the most, the lack of honestly and openness and the fact that he needn't worry about me asking him for or about anything again.  In true family fashion nothing was brought up and that was that.  On the day of Grandma's funeral I was surprised that Mom decided she would not go as were many others in the extended family.  She cited she didn't want the added stress and it would be harder for her to breathe.  

At the funeral I saw many relatives that I hadn't seen in ages and a few remembered who I was but I confess I had a hard time telling who was who.  I got asked a lot about why Mom wasn't there and for the most part I just stated she didn't feel good and left it at that.  The one exception was one of my cousins who is very sweet and engaged in her whole family asked me.  We had a few moments to speak of things and I gave her the cliff note version.  She was genuinely concerned about moms state of mind and our health as a family.  How can I explain a life time of dysfunction in 5 minutes or less?  In response to an offer to help I did tell her that her and her family seemed normal and I didn't know what to do with normal.  Later that day a great Aunt asked me how I was doing and then asked me to not become a hermit like Mom.  I just hugged her and assured her I do get out of the house for more than just work but I am doing fine at the moment.  Another cousins wife told me that I needed to get ready for my next adventure and when I asked what that may be, she said taking care of Mom.  I didn't respond to that because again the explanation would've taken a long while.  In reality I have asked Mom several times what she planned on doing when Grandma passes and to date the only response I get is "Can you check on how much it's going to cost to have me cremated?"  I'm still not sure what she wants to do in the interim but I have offered to help with anything I can.  All she needs to do is make a decision and call me when she needs something.  Indecision is a decision in and of itself and I am not going to force her to anything.  While I have accepted my Mom and forgiven her as well, it's not the same as it was with Dad and will probably need more work as time goes on and other things happen.  

For myself I am still grappling with the questions as to why am I still here and what more do I have to do and learn to complete this lesson plan.  I can tell you this, I have fallen behind on the reading and searching after coming home.  I needed time to absorb what was already taken in but since I've been home I try to maintain some clarity and contentment.  It is a little easier for me to not get so invested in other peoples issues and I can listen to them without becoming sucked into the vortex of the energy drain.  I know a lot of folks are looking for easy or simple solutions to the problems they face and there are very few of those solutions available that don't involve some other form of hard work in another area of their life to compensate.  After I'd been home for a while my friend Nic commented to me that I had changed a lot from when we were kids.  When asked how so (and I'm seriously paraphrasing here) she said "You used to be a lot more outspoken and would take on a lot of these miserable, lying, cheating people with everything you had."  Nic on the other hand was pretty quiet until her late teens early twenties when she started to take on her own types of people like that.  To this day she will try and win that battle that I told her was unwinnable because you can argue with the brick walls all you want but at the end of the day it was still a brick wall and you're still standing in the same location as you were when you started.  Some times you just have to recognize people for what they are and move on because wasting time and energy with then takes it away from your own life.  You don't have to like it but you would be much better off using that same passion for things and people that matter.  So now many people may look at my life as rather boring and that's okay, because boring is exactly what I needed for a while.  I needed to recharge my batteries and save my energy for the people who matter and that's one positive change that I've been able to make.         

In my readings I've learned that it is critically important to know thyself and because positive change can only come when we recognize who we really are and our subconscious desires or issues.  I am coming to grips with the fact that I love conditionally with everyone except Trey and that has caused many problems in my relationships with people.  In my earlier years I like many others was looking for love from many of the wrong people but never really learned how to feel the love even when it was given from an unexpected source.  I have learned that to love is to have knowledge, to have knowledge is to have light and to have light is to love but it has been a struggle for me to have been and be a person who has learned that too many people just can't hear or accept the truth especially about things that are as subjective as feelings.  External consideration is very important when having relationships while recognizing and neutralizing internal considerations.  It was my internal considerations that caused me to hold back many of my true feelings about others until I felt pushed over some invisible line, then would explode with the power of a small volcano.  This was not healthy no matter if it felt good at the time or not and it only caused more feelings of frustration, guilt and sometimes shame.  

Internal considerations is a form of selfishness and I was a lot more selfish than I realized.  Expecting people to be something that fit into my ideas of what they should be or to realize their own potential when they weren't ready, capable or even interested was something I've had to recognize and handle on a case by case basis.  Managing my expectations is still a challenge but at least with these tools and more practice I have a better chance of success.  Writing things out, even if I don't post them is my way of working out my frustrations with people or situations without sending it and of course without speaking to the person about everything I feel.  Now this doesn't mean that I'm not going to be honest if asked about one of these touchy subjects, but it does allow me to try and answer their question in a way that conveys my true feelings and with due consideration to theirs.  It has also allowed me to try and strengthen the bonds with the people I care about today.  It is not an easy practice and there is still a lot of room for improvement, but it's a start.