My thoughts on life...

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Marvelous Mistakes

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>

There is so much going on in the world right now that I had to speak out in the earlier post, but this one is a little closer to home. Many women out there will understand what I am taking about depending on the age and experience with the opposite sex. If by some small miracle there is a man reading this please don't think it will be a typical male bashing piece because it won't be. I like guys... well most of them anyway and have had longer lasting friendships with guys than girls over the years so I've had the privilege of being considered one of the guys. If you know me you know I am not a girly girl. Why you ask? Too much trouble. Finding flattering clothes is difficult enough... I hate malls, high heels, constricting bras and pantyhose. Not to mention the older you get the more you find out about how make up is tested or produced and it's enough to turn your stomach sometimes. The one thing I did maintain for years was my hair, so I didn't forsake all vanity...until now. About a year ago I just got tired of all the hassle so I had it cut off very short. Even shorter than my mom used to make me wear when I was young and the grey is here to stay I'm afraid. I will always love shoes though! Anyway the time it takes for the typical women to get ready in the morning is way more time than I had and I certainly wasn't worried about things like sex appeal. In fact the world seems to have a very hypocritical view towards sex and over time I noticed that the more sex appeal you have... at least on the out side... the less seriously you are taken. And ladies don't let some men fool you when you hear them say " I love women with power tools" because some don't really mean it. When you go to Lowes or HD and you start to acquire stuff for any projects then when the guys realize that it is a two party project... they aren't so happy about your power tools! All of this is to give you a quick idea of how I relate to things between the sexes.

I also posted previously The Power of You in which I detailed one of many life changing events but not even the first! I also mentioned a relationship I had with a guy who I call mistake # 2 or for this purpose lets call him Marvelous. Marvelous was a bad boy with a bad body when we were young and he drifted into and out of our group on the south side of Charlotte at the time.   There was something about him I couldn't get out of my mind and the connection we had was beyond my understanding. But the time was never right, then I married my ex, Marvelous disappeared, then reappeared just as the implosion of my marriage was at the blast off point. I knew he was a bad boy so make no mistake it was my fault I got involved with him and blame no one but me. The few minutes we got to spend alone in his little hole in the wall was very sweet and he loved to play the hero. It took a few months to get out of the house with my ex and he was around during and after but things began to go downhill before he got caught in a whopper of a lie when confronted way back in the day, when I was about 19. The lie was... "That wasn't me that rode by your exes dad's house screaming at the top of my lungs." Really? Considering all that happened that night it was safe to say he was completely full of it because everyone saw him! I left him right then and there but he wasn't going to let me go that easily. He did of course start dating another girl immediately after but still continued to call me and plead his case.

At one point Marvelous was even trying to start a fight between his new girl and me when she stole some stuff that belonged to me that was at his parents. Marvelous was not a smart man because he wound up in jail about that time but asked me to come and see him before he was shipped out of state. So I made the trip uptown to the intake center and was confronted with his new girl... who had a lot to say on the phone but when I was in person... suddenly didn't have so much to say! He gave some bs reason why he was in jail but he was gone for 9 years. I certainly hoped he didn't think I was going to wait on him because I wasn't. In fact I was so disgusted with him and his constant lies about everything that I slept with his brother knowing word would get back to him and maybe he'd think I was such a bitch he would leave me alone. In my infinite wisdom at that age I thought I would send him a letter in prison telling him I am moving on with my life and even included a glamour shots picture of me showing how good I looked to boot. No such luck! I know mom and dad got collect calls every now and then because that was the only number he had. He wrote a lot to me when he was in prison but mom thew out most of it as soon as it showed up. After all this though, he was still in my system.

Why? I don't know. I will always remember that mental picture of him sleeping on the couch with baby Trey on his bare chest when I got home from work one night and it stuck with me. That was after I told my ex I wanted a divorce but before I had moved out completely at the time. My ex had been so mad that he and all the friends took off to the beach and left me with no one but my mother in law to babysit... and that did not work out!!! It could have been that he tried to take up for me and later whoopin' my exes butt in a the middle of the road one night. Maybe because we are all looking for our soul mate and when we are young we can overlook many things hoping the other will grow up and care. All I do know is when he was in prison I thought about him from time to time even though I had moved on but I still felt I had something to say about how things went down so I wrote him a letter in 99. Dumb huh? For the longest time afterward I would think so but now I know it was something deeper. He wrote back that he was getting out in 2 weeks and wanted to see me! Talk about timing! So I saw him on the first day out and he looked good as always but he seemed more subdued. I guess prison will do that to ya. We talked about a lot of stuff and he seemed like he had grown up but having experienced a lot I didn't believe it. He wanted a relationship even after all that transpired and said he would do anything to get his life back together. After a bit he showed he was serious and so I stupidly gave him a chance. He had a lot of energy and I have always been able to see the potential in people even if they will never recognize it for themselves. Yeah I know... what a dumb move but after all the conditions of release had been met he got a good job and things went pretty smoothly for about 2 years. Then the problems came out like a marching band at a high school ball game.

He celebrated being a sliver of a Native American Indian but denied the 50 % Latino with the last name the equivalent of the American Smith. Even when I met his uncle from Texas who was a very sweet man and actually worked at a bottling plant there. How? Si? ;)   His dad reminded me more of ZZ Top than anything though. At 27 I had just started to work at the PI firm and the hours were brutal. That first year I worked almost 80 hours a week and that left a lot of time for Marvelous to get into trouble and he did every chance he got. Over the next 5 or 6 years he was busted cheating on me and I found out much later of course about his coke habit which explained why he always has an abundance of energy. He had started working as a bouncer in a strip bar which I minded some but I am a realist. It was good money and with his record there weren't many options. I threw him out when I found the proof and told him... Don't let the door knob hit ya where the good Lord split ya! Even then his new stripper girlfriend would call me at all hours of the night just to talk junk. Seems Marvelous had kidney stones and at the time I thought it couldn't happen to a nicer person! After a month this girl was ready to have him locked up again and then claimed she was pregnant too. Scared the snot out of him or so I thought so I gave him a pass on the first one because I knew 9 years inside was a long time. (Okay guys... whether you think I am really dumb or not you got to admit I am a pretty open minded person!) As I said before Marvelous had a hero complex it seems but only if it didn't require too much effort on his part. His three main focuses were food, fun and ... well you get the picture. I call them the three F's and of course he thought Everybody Wants You.

He also loves to karaoke but he could NOT carry a tune in a bucket with a handle and I still can't listen to this tune anymore because of it. The lesson here is if you don't remember the words to the song AND you can not read as fast as the teleprompter... then maybe karaoke is NOT for you! He also loved Ozzy and wore me out with it. In fact one of his friends told him the 80's called and they wanted their life back. I knew I couldn't sing unless I was alone in the car but he would get up and make a fool of himself in front of anybody. Just give him a mike. He wanted to have everything at once without really paying for it and would only use the excuse of seeing his daughter or parents when it suited his cover. And his other brother really did live in a Little Pink House, so Marvelous sometimes would use him as a cover as well. We both had spent a lot of time over at his parents house for holiday's and they celebrated traditional redneck style. I got to know his family all over again and they too were loud in your face, gun totin' kind of peeps. Just how I liked it! Since their family got together on the actual holidays unlike ours because of scheduling conflicts, Trey only got to go every other Christmas but it was fun for the kids to get together. Marvelous made a big show about giving me a ring one year but it was not an engagement ring. He had asked me repeatedly to marry him, but that just wasn't happening. I didn't want to marry someone who wanted to be single or a big kid the rest of his life and it didn't look like I was his Some Kind of Wonderful.

                                                                           Duh huh!

I now suspected he was with several different women and just got better at lying. After a while I was trapped in this mess I had made and even my friends were looking at me like I had lost what was left of my mind. Marvelous really was a compulsive liar and a very good one too. He lied to everyone including his family and friends so I don't feel so alone in that department. I had a mortgage and a lot going on at the time and then in 06 I totaled my Honda when an uninsured motorist pulled out in front of me. Long story short is I bought a Blazer from a friend because Marvelous said he could fix my car and when it was done he would drive the Blazer. During that time I also decided to remodel my bathroom because it was long over due and started the process. That year was hard on both of us I suspect but I wouldn't have taken on the project if he hadn't adamantly said it was no problem! Humph! That was also the time when I got a call from my boss telling me a bounty hunter friend of theirs was getting ready to break down the new doors to my house looking for our new roommate that was a friend of Marvelous'. Marvelous made it to the house in pretty good time since I was stuck in another county working and couldn't do anything about the situation except to talk to the bounty hunter on the phone. Turns out the roommate skipped on a DUI bail which was completely stupid in my opinion and then ran leaving his few humble belongings at the house. Marvelous and the bounty hunter clashed, big surprise there right, and he just couldn't understand that it could effect my job! Just because he was a useful idiot sometimes didn't mean I wanted to be an unemployed bitch because of him. I ultimately made friends with the bounty hunter because he was nice to me and was just doing his job. But I lost several things in storage that both boys had there to make room for him and neither one could care about that.

Marvelous was and is a compulsive liar. He would lie about the smallest things and the only time he told the truth was when he admitted that he was a compulsive liar. He couldn't understand why I hated the lies and what the big deal was but I now know that was an act. He understood perfectly what the problems were but saw no reason to not lie. It was easier than being real because to be real you have to care. I now also know that he spent a lot of time shopping for a new relationship and when he'd found a new victim be gone in a flash or when tax season came around and he'd have a few dollars in his pocket. I think at most I was nothing but a security blanket for him when all else failed. The sad truth is I really loved this jerk and hoped that one day he would really mean it when he said he loved me. Marvelous simply couldn't love anyone. He had no idea what love is or what being a real grown up man was supposed to do and he damn sure wasn't going to be learning any time soon. His excuse was always prison and he thought it gave him a pass to do anything he pleased. He still has no idea how much hurt he caused because it was never important to him.

Well toward the end of 06 things were getting worse because he definitely wasn't strong enough to be my man like he promised all those years ago... I could feel it In the Air Tonight and I was tired of wielding a Sledgehammer to get through to him. In December, I also suspected he was sleeping with another girl but decided to wait until after Christmas to do anything. He beat me to it by breaking up and walking out a week or two before Christmas and ruined what would turn out to be my last real full Christmas family holiday with my son before he died. In 07 Trey was living with his dad but came home before school started and that Christmas was really tense because of the drama with that. Poor Trey was so disappointed that his dad didn't bother to buy him anything for Christmas that year and our time together then was so stressful because he was just as hurt and mad as I was. Trey even sent a text to a friend of his (that I still have) about how his father forgot him. It broke my heart too. So many things were going on at one time that it was hard to catch my breath let alone make some kind of plan to handle everything. But my concerns about Marvelous were confirmed when a friend of his came by looking for him the day after he left and when he found out he was gone he told me that Marvelous really hadn't been at his house all night when he said he had. Now suspecting it is one thing by having conformation was like a match to a fuse. I knew it was time for him to Go Your Own Way and I was Never Going Back Again.

I was beyond mad and hurt but I wasn't Holding back The Years and decided that this was going to be the last time I dealt with Marvelous. Right! He of course had other plans but I started by humming his stuff out the front door in heaps outside. Yes I went trailer park on him, or his stiff rather. The neighbors would walk by or come home and just see stuff flying out the front door in no order and no regard for anything breakable. I had told him he better get all his stuff out and fast and when he didn't listen, I did it myself. Note to reader, when throwing breakables outside place them in a handy garbage bag first for easier clean up! Carrie Underwood didn't have nothing on me at that time! My dad also had called at just the right time, asked to speak with him, and then threatened to blow his head off as I watched the blood drain from his face because he knew my dad well. It took about 3 days to get all of his stuff out of my house and it was just in time for the 3 days of rain we had :) He was pissed about his stuff that had been sitting out side now for two weeks and since the hood had moved in... things go missing pretty quick... but it was his problem as far as I was concerned. He could have taken care of business but was too busy playing. Now get this... about a month after he left he started blowing up my phone calling all the time for about 2 weeks straight. I would disconnect the call because I didn't want to hear his voice on the answering machine but he was persistent. In fact when my great grandmother MawMaw died and we were attending the funeral I had to turn the phone off just to make it through the service. It was a work phone so changing the number was difficult but after 2 weeks my friend Scott said just see what he wants... so I did. He asked me to give him a reference so he could rent an apartment. I said only if you leave me alone. When the fax came in from the rental office it had his and his new girlfriend's name on it!...I wrote and faxed back " I wouldn't rent them a cardboard box for $1000 a month!...cash!"

Trey died about a year or so later and my whole world died with him. At that time every minute I spent wasted with Marvelous seemed incredibly vile because I couldn't go back and change things. It meant I'd have to go back and start from scratch in the forgiveness process. But first Marvelous was going to take one last thing from me and that was my right to not see him at Trey's funeral. In fact he had his dad drive him and when he showed up he was warned to leave the property and still made a big scene. What a guy! It was okay the rest of his family was there but he was not invited. After a few months I wrote Marvelous a letter and mailed it to his folks because I knew they would read it and I told him and them just how low in the human gene pool they were and meant every word of it. I heard his parents were pissed but so what! What did they expect...a glowing recommendation on what a great guy Marvelous was? Really? His father was a loud obnoxious drunk that cheated on his wife too and had no morals to teach his kids so what did they expect? Only reason his dad liked me in the first place was because I didn't take any of his crap so I don't know why they thought I'd hold back then. Well it took a lot but I finally got rid of the bond I felt for Marvelous and got rid of him too. If not, the only thing left is to go Union County redneck on him for which there is no cure, no treatment or no way to save him because I am Gone and he can Kiss This because I ain't Settlin', for any of his drama anymore.

Looking back I feel like I had to resolve some karma and I guess he was just the person to do it with. I don't think he resolved his but just put it on a tab so he can pick it up at the end. Marvelous may be a sex and drug addict, has no conscience, no empathy and every emotion is faked to get a response. I think he was born with one but he either lost it, sold it or staved it to death. He played on my sympathy and in the end he just didn't care... couldn't care. Unfortunately there are too many just like him in the world and that's why I wrote this so that maybe a young girl or woman will read it and see some things that could save them a multitude of problems down the road. You can not rehabilitate anyone without a conscience. Period. There is nothing to rehabilitate! Real men are not showy and they probably won't confess their undying love for you from the roof tops. Real men do not promise, they just do. They are often quiet and unsure of themselves so we are quick to dismiss them. In my experience pretty boys are just that... pretty and petty. Marvelous was mild compared to some of the narcissus out there but could be considered more of a sociopath. He wasn't violent and he didn't want to take over the world but he did lie, steal and cheat for his own gain. And those types will do nothing but drain you whether it be your energy or your bank account. I am lucky because I have seen many women who were not and was thankful for that from the bottom of my heart... until Trey died. Marvelous however was a very lucky man because I didn't buy a gun. He knew I might use it!

Not sure who this applies to more... me or him?

This is one of the few pictures that remain of Marvelous because I tore up every single other one I could find after the last time except for one other with his daughter that was from way back. I found this photo between a book and that is the only reason it survived and the few others were found much later when moving.

Update! This idiot emailed me in May of 2013 and said, "I "steel" love you and miss you." Then wondered why I wouldn't talk to him. Hmmm let me think... So I blocked him from sending me any more emails. After thinking a moment, I started laughing because I could just see some other woman catching him cheating on her then throwing his stuff out and him being homeless. But really he was probably just hoping the security blanket was still available because he was in another bind somewhere, somehow. Never again.

Eric Claptons' Pretending

Annie Lennox's Why

Clapton with Phil Collins Bad Love

Cher A song for the lonely

Cher Believe

8. I made a choice to make a change >>>>>

Monday, October 3, 2011

Nothing is as it seems... so choose carefully

This is The End of the Innocents because we live in the Land of Confusion and Everybody Wants to Rule the World. First let me apologize for bouncing around topics and more importantly for being wrong sometimes. Yes I have admitted not only to being wrong, but for thinking things that were incorrect. I had learned a long time ago that your decisions are only as good as the information is correct. In this world the lies and secrets are crippling normal people to believe and behave in ways we would never do if we had all the facts first. But I am not afraid to be wrong because I know it is a learning process and that sometimes you have to do wrong to know right when you see it. It is that very reason I don't understand people who think they are right about everything...always. Those folks deny any information that contradicts their beliefs no matter how much "proof" you have. Being wrong about things doesn't bother me in the regard that I am human and I am here to learn and to learn sometimes you will be wrong. But because I can admit to being wrong when new information is presented I have a chance of learning what is right. I also understand that no matter how much we learn we are only scraping the surface of what there is to learn. And finally that understanding led to me believe that we are here to learn and more importantly all there is...lessons.

Are you still with me? Do you understand what I am trying to get across? If not then...I am sorry this piece isn't for you. Even if you only have a vague understanding about what I said then you are on your way through the knowledge tree. We have been lied to many times about many things but the ultimate goal is and always will be CONTROL. Personally I have had it up to my eyeballs with control and will continue to speak out about it and break free from it as it is imposed to the very best of my ability. I will not always win but the control will never break my will and I Won't Back Down. The desire I have to be truly and completely free has been fueled over many years and met with obstacle after obstacle. It is truly a never ending cycle we are on and our choice is to remain a slave to the oppressors or do what ever it takes to break free. And to be able to break free you must understand that freedom in it's present form IS NOT FREEDOM, but only an illusion. I have always understood this to a small degree but now I am beginning to see just how far reaching that illusion is. Is it scary? Absolutely but the real definition of bring brave is facing the things you fear most and dealing with them anyway. If you do it often enough you can build up the courage to face even the most devastating events that will be thrown your way.

There is so much information to sift through when you are searching for the truth in any form. Everyone has an opinion and with the web they are willing to share it...example being this piece your are reading at the very moment. :) The biggest difference is I am not claiming to know everything or have all the answers...in fact just by writing this blog I am trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together in my own mind, but hoping to spark someones own personal journey to find out more about why we are here on earth and just what really is our purpose on life. And here is what I like to refer to as some handy little info: Incorrect information also known as disinformation abounds in every important subject. It seems that the bigger the lie the more "proof" is required and all too often fabricated on a very tiny bit of truth. In fact only portions of the truth are only made available if it serves the oppressors agenda. I have often looked deeper than the surface of this dark world in which we live and have been grateful to find varied nuggets of truth. I also realized that not one place or person has all the knowledge or answers because if they did then the world would reflect that. IE: religion, education establishments, governments but instead seemed to be designed to destroy humanity on every possible level using every means available to them. Things that appear beautiful are too often decayed on the inside and the closer you are to them the harder it is to see. Things that appear to be ugly are sometimes the purest inside and the closer to them you are the easier it is to see.

In my life at least people come and people go. The reasons vary from choice to death but it is the one fact that seems to remain constant. I have said before I have had friends from many walks of life but I have been acquainted with many others through work which I wouldn't have met otherwise. I know why my life is difficult probably now more than ever. What I learned is when you stop lying to yourself about who you think you are and where you think you are going...you start to see reality for what it is. Things become more focused on what is real verses what is fake and with practice it gets a little bit easier each time. And when I say easier I mean the process not the content so much. In fact looking at the world and the dark side of this planet is required because half the information that is vital is hidden in there. I have come as close to the dark side as I care to and understand fully the power is has to suck people into the black hole. It is with this knowledge I can say the more material things you have...the more you have to take care of, secure, insure, protect and still lose. Conversely the less you own in this world means the less you have to lose which is one important step to freedom. When you start to look for the truth in earnest people will question why you are doing it and you may lose family or friends you've known your whole life. Most people are focused on fear being used as a mechanism of control but it easy to overlook love being used in the very same way. Which brings me back to the point most of the most beautiful things can be perverted into the worst nightmares.

The best answer I have ever been able to come up with about why evil truly persist is...to make the good better. The battles are waged in our hearts and depending on the out come it manifests in our reality. The longer people ignore their own dark half in hopes of it just going away, the longer the dark half roams unchecked as evidenced in the world today. It is not easy to accept our own responsibility for our life we are living in today but if we ever hope to obtain any since of freedom it is a choice we must make. Having free will means we have the choice to live for good or evil. Some people have chosen evil, some have chosen good and still others refuse to chose remaining in the land of denial for that is a choice too. Evil hides in plain sight and all too often looks or feels good. It can trick you anyway it wants to get you to give up your free will for its own use and could care less what or who your are. At the end of the day if you support evil even if unknowingly, you are still supporting evil. I am trying my very best to stop giving it ammunition and it is a daily struggle because if you are keeping up with the news on the web, then you know things are getting hairy indeed. Empires are falling in on themselves because that's what they have been doing for centuries and the future is not certain by any means. To all the others out there seeking the truth...thank you for trying and please keep doing what you are doing.

One site in particular that I have found really interesting is listed below. and is run by Laura Knight Jadczyk and her husband Arkadiusc. This site was so compelling that I found myself writing to the author about some of the things I have observed in my life. And to my surprise she responded back very quickly and graciously too. She is a very well read lady and I always admire people who are pushing the boundaries!

http://cassiopaea.org/

http://hiddenmurder.blogspot.com/

Monday, September 12, 2011

Where do we go from here?

If anyone from my Facebook friends happens to read this then they might think I've lost what is left of my mind...and that okay. Not the first or the last time I've heard that! Anyone that goes against the norm usually is labeled as crazy, dumb or worse. I am used to it and I want to thank everyone who ever said those words to me. I don't feel like I am doing anything right unless I hear those words :) And greed is ruining almost everything that is good, decent or fun from food to education to our health to government and even to our religions. While I've known this for a long time and I am sure most of you do too, at least deep in your heart, but most don't want to think about it much less hear about it. Now I know that it is hard to hear the truth about our society and many want to believe that it's not as bad as it looks because if you did then it would mean you have to DO something. But if you have been seeing the conspiracy theories I have been posting... please understand I am on a search and don't necessary believe everything about what I post. It is really interesting what others think and are willing to say it to the public. I give them props because I understand just how difficult it is to go against the grain.
I am the first one to admit I don't have all the answers or even some but I do realize that the present system isn't working. How can I tell? Just walk out the door of your average home and take a good look around. Start from your neighborhood and continue on to the city. If you have a job pay attention to the hierarchy of your company and especially to the top people. After you stop watching the news as it is real and start watching it as entertainment for the wealthy then you can start to see the pyramid that we are living on. We are making a few others rich while we struggle everyday to keep up. And we are lucky because many on this earth are starving, homeless, dying and other wise marginalized. At the very least we don't have bombs blowing up our schools and hospitals...yet! Cities in America are crumbling remnants of what is left of the old society. And while I have heard many of the promises of the politicians I have yet to see a better world. Only one that is slowly getting worse for the average person. As a PI for 10 years I watched the rich in our city throw away their families without a thought over and over again. I have also seen just how much they do not obey the laws that us average citizen would be buried under the jail if we were caught. These are some of the same people who influence law in the first place.

Interesting enough I had issues with the way my boss ran the PI company because they used the McDonald's philosophy of hiring. They hired them young, pushed them hard to burnout in short order and then disposed of them... The few that remained were left to clean up the mess and do all the work that new people can't do. The bosses right hand man was a yes man that held all the important information close the vest and had the ability to play us against each other. Now I understand that he was between a rock and hard place BUT why make it worse for us all? Having a spine and speaking the truth was apparently too much to ask for because he like many others are simply looking out for their own. I inherited the "Senior Investigator and pain in the ass position" because the last one simply had enough and left. So by default I was it. Yeah me... NOT!

After being fed up with the yes man, I spent weeks writing a four page page letter detailing the problems with as much information I could obtain and gave it to the boss. The closet idealist was trying to gain a level playing field for the rest of us. Their response was... the letter had good flow. I told them I wasn't looking for a good grade from the teacher, I was looking to open their eyes to the persistent problems that needed addressing. No such luck. That incident speaks volumes about how much the elite care for the people they use to support them. They don't care what it takes to get the job done. And I had it good at my firm because I have heard many stories about the business and bosses. I am sad to say I still remained at that company because it was one of the top two firms in my city and the only other option was open my own business. I had no desire to take on that kind of responsibility but had not decided where to go from there. My heart was not in this job anymore and you could tell just as plain as day.

Personally my choices were limited because of a lack of a degree and that meant starting over doing something else. I stayed at the company 3 years too long and should have changed after 5 years. Just call me jack of all trades and master of none. I didn't want a big life style. I did how ever want to be able to pay the bills with a little left over for savings and in this world, it gets harder and harder everyday. I wanted to have a decent place to live, spent roughly $25K on my teeth between mom and me over the years, cars to drive and of course Trey. I have worked hard all my life to the point of exhaustion at times and never felt like I was going any where except deeper in the hole. I was wore out literally and I know that I hated feeling trapped more than anything else. I had refinanced the house after completing the bathroom so I could clear all the debt into 1 manageable payment. My credit was great and I was hoping the remodel would be a draw to the house and over come the location because it was way past time to get out of the city. I wanted a simpler life and life said... good luck on that one!

So whatever you do or wherever you go always remember that the time we spend trying to run the rat race is time away from the most important things in life. Please don't make the same mistakes I made and wake up to what is really happening in this world. Don't take my word for it or even someone else word... go and find out for yourself. The more I read the more I understand that it is going to take each and everyone of us working together to take our world back from the insanely evil soul sucking system that is currently running things.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Trey's 21st Birthday

Most of the time this would be a happy celebration of a young persons passage to adulthood and it is acceptable to drink in public at this time. God bless my sons heart, because he didn't wait until then to try drinking and smoking pot. I personally would have preferred him to just smoke rather than drink. I have been around alcoholics and I have smoked pot for over 20 years. Alcoholics are volatile meaning you never really know what might come out at any time. Pot smokers are general peace seeking people looking to relieve some stress or help with an ailment and yes there are always exceptions to the observations. As a parent I walked a fine line for a long time between hiding it from him when he was young without lying about it directly but there comes a time in each of our lives when we have to make a decision. I had always tried to tell Trey the truth when he asked pointed direct questions. I knew that if he wasn't ready for the info he wouldn't have asked. When he asked IF he could smoke pot...I was touched he actually asked...I replied...I don't know can you? He proceeded to pull out a pipe, pack a bowl, take a hit and then pass it to me. I guess that answered that question and how! If you think I am a bad parent or just one that made a bad decision, consider this... smoking a bowl with my son opened up line of communication that went deeper than ever before.

He talked about his friends openly and as honestly as he could at that age which was almost 17. He talked about what they were doing when no adult was around and it was typical teenager stuff. Yes they will try almost anything and I found when my mother forbid something, it would make me want to do it more than ever. He talked about how he felt about me, his dad, both sets of grandparents and what he wanted to do. He changed his mind almost daily about what that was and I wanted him to find something that he loved doing. Remembering back to his younger days when he talked non stop about nothing we would joke that as soon as he opened his eyes in the morning he would open his mouth too ;) But that talk was by far the closest I had felt to him in a while. And that was my fault because I put a job and trying to have a relationship over him when I shouldn't have. Trey lived with my mom because she decided that she could raise him better than I could. At 19 I was just finding my way and although I was brave enough to take on the world...my mother was a whole other story. I had 2 choices at that time...make peace or make war. I wanted to make war and get my child back, but my mother had more money and time than I did to fight. So I made peace with it. At the time I thought I was doing what was best for Trey, but looking back... maybe I am not so sure. Every parent has to pick their battles sometimes even with their own parents.

I hope you understand that I am not advocating that you or teenagers should smoke pot. I think it is a personal choice and I have done some research on it. I saw a bumper sticker that said it all...God made weed, man made beer...In God we Trust. The biggest reasons it is illegal is because the drug companies want you to buy their less effective drugs, the paper industry wants you to keep depleting the rain forest instead of growing hemp to make it and many other useful things. The government needs it to subsidize it's illegal activities and most importantly they need it so they can throw more of us in the privatized prison so they can make even more money. Pot is not longer the gateway to other harder drugs...your medicine cabinet is. The other teenage driver of the car that killed my son was reportedly under the influence of a pill or 3. Who really knows? I made a personal choice and would do it again if I had the chance. I was not trying to be his friend, I was trying to be the most open and as honest as I could because I knew he would have to make his own choices and I wanted him to have real information that he could trust. In the darkest hour of grief after losing him I kept asking myself did my decision put him on the path that lead to his death? I guess I will not know the answer while I am on this earth, but when I look into the eyes of many other parents who have lost a child...I see many different people from all walks of life who's kids were as varied as their parents. Guilt consumes us all for a while...even the ones that did everything right.

So for my beautiful baby boy I'd like to say thank you for all you've taught me in the short time you were here. Please forgive me for all my mistakes and know that I heard you, believed in you and love you...always. The memories I have I will always treasure and you will always be #1 to me. Happy 21st birthday bud...one less day before we see each other again...until then...puff, puff, pass.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7pP509QEt8&feature=share

http://blog.norml.org/2011/10/24/5-favorite-law-enforcement-lies-about-marijuana/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/21/drug-war-incentives-police-violent-crime_n_1105701.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Power of You

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>


Yes I know this sounds a bit corny to a lot of you. If fact I had no clue what this meant as a child or even a young adult. I never felt that I had any power to take back so for a while it was a non issue to me or so I thought. I did understand the concept of control because that was exerted in many ways starting with family, school, friends, jobs and later government. I only attended church functions on occasion with others and now I feel that was a blessing. For some reason that I could not fathom, I instinctively knew there was a higher being in existence, but I could not accept the terms and conditions that were applied to such an awesome power by other people. I wasn't loud about it and didn't engage in a lot of debate, especially with the ones who had memorized the Bible. The few churches I did attend were all different denominations and ideologies and left a big void in me when I walked out their doors. All but one small church near the group home I lived in when I was 14. I'm not sure how this was selected or done but we were split up in to two groups of girls and our group went to a mostly black church. Now I can't remember what the preacher said or even much of the service, but what I do remember is the feeling. The singing was beautifully done and it was like all these wonderful voices coming together in their own harmony had opened up a conduit to something I had only heard about. And they never took us back to that church again.

Looking back on that time I think is when I first understood that there is usually a kernel of truth underneath all the hype, promises and people in general. But only having a small glimpse into the power of the people in that church did nothing to point me in the right direction, not because they did anything wrong. I was just stubborn and saw it as another thing I couldn't do. By that age I was angry at the system, my parents and everybody else who was trying to tell me who I should be and what I should do or when. I was well on my way to rebelling from most authority figures in a passive aggressive way until I left home at the age of 16. I had been overcoming my fears one by one for a while now but still never really felt capable. Pain is unavoidable but to prolong the agonies and remain defenseless is something I just can not do.

If you don't think you have any power then ask yourself why do others keep trying to take it away? That question struck me in my early 20's but I still didn't have an answer that satisfied my inner self. In my life I only wanted to control ME and not everyone else. Shoot, just controlling myself in a world steeped in hypocrisy and sometimes blatant ignorance was more than I could handle at times. My family dealt with things by sweeping them under a rug, then we were just supposed to walk around it like nothing was wrong. Unless I was the problem and then it was time to deal with ME. The 3 families I interacted with after leaving home taught me a lot about the world in general. They were all different in their own right but they all expressed their opinions freely, loudly and with little or no thought to the consequences. For the first time in my life I started to express MY opinions and was met with mixture of disbelief or curious wonderment. I've had fights because I stood up for myself and even had a few guns pulled on me.

This one incident I will remember for the rest of my life because I found my power that day. My husband and I had split up and I had to move home with my parents for a short while. My ex wanted me to bring Trey to his parents house for a dinner. At that time my exes parents were split up as well and his father had started dating a married coworker from the plant he worked at. I remembered this chicks husband sleeping on the couch previously and wondered if he knew. Now when I split up with my (ex) husband after many fights about responsibility and our future...I simply told him I wanted a divorce and promptly walked out the door and started seeing someone else. In my mind I was done and that's all there was too it, except the signing of the papers. Unfortunately my ex didn't believe me and seemed to be completely surprised by the whole thing. Then things went from bad to even worse but that invite to dinner seem to come out of nowhere. ( Yes memories are a little hazy :) That day my ex, his sister, his brother, their dad and his dad's girlfriend where there.

Trey and I had only been there for a little while, when the guy I started dating Marvelous drove by the house screaming for me and started a chain reaction of events that ended up with my exes, dad's girlfriend pulling a rather large gun on me while screaming what a cheating whore I was. For those of you unfamiliar with a situation like this, it is much better to have the one holding the gun to hold it calmly without shaking. Shaking in this situation indicates that pure emotion is running through their veins and they are more likely to shoot you just based on that. All of this transpired in a matter of minutes and at that make or break moment, I looked her right in the eye as I stepped up to the gun and dared her hypocritical ass to shoot. I used much more colorful language at the time but stood up to this large, ignorant woman in spite of the fact I could have died that day. We had all experienced the lost of one of the Hinson brothers at the age of 14, then my uncle died a few months later and finally my beloved granddad had died in the same year...so dying did not scare me. In my mind, at that age, dying was inevitable and if it was my time then so be it. Right or wrong when you can wrap your mind around that concept, then you can move on to other important things in life. She backed down. I grabbed Trey and started to leave.

Later I realized that no matter what or who I came up against in this life, I would not accept to be mistreated especially when I hadn't deserved it. I've had about 30 jobs in my life time and have been fired several times because I refused to bow down to people that just want to be in control. I never had a problem starting from the bottom and working my way up, so please don't misunderstand me. Paying ones dues in life, earns you an education that is unobtainable even in the best of today's school. My method has always been trial and error... repeat. Through that process you understand that failing is only a temporary setback and if you are determined enough you can do anything you set your mind too. When you give your power or your voice away you will never be happy because no one will respect your power more than you. I just hope that people will come to understand just how powerful we really are and then begin to use that power to benefit others instead of controlling them. And just think if we all could harness our own power and combine it with others who also understands then we could finally maybe start to change the world just a little at a time. Don't stop thinking about tomorrow...

6. One Split Second, >>>>>

Saturday, August 6, 2011

People are different for a reason

Some of you will think...well duh! But that's about as far as the thought goes. Growing up poor in the country that was predominantly white showed me how much hate there was behind closed doors for anybody that was different from themselves. As a young child I would look at a black person maybe in a line at the store and wonder why the people in my world thought they were that different from us. In my childlike eyes, they were human, who breathed air and ate food. They also got hurt, bled red blood, spoke the same language and most importantly when I would happen to touch them, say giving a handshake to the man that checked my moms tires or maybe a hug to the lady that babysat mom...they felt just like me. Well a bit bigger but still a human just the same. What it taught me as a young child was, if the people around me hate someone just because they are black, then what were they going to do when they found out something about me they didn't like? Well I found out years later.

Kids are conditioned by their environment and carry their parents beliefs if they are not careful to think for themselves when they're faced with many of life's choices. Much to my parents dismay, I was that kid that would think for myself. I wanted to make my own mistakes and they didn't like that plan at all :) Going into middle and high school was especially hard for me because I was the fat kid with braces with zero social skills and getting picked on was the norm. Even back then the need to fit in was huge if not obtainable and it hurt when others made fun of me or even worse...to be ignored. Any sure signs that you are not desired by others whether it's as quiet as a hateful stare to a full on verbal or physical assault... challenges our very core to say the least. Some of the best people around are dressed in clothes that are different from your own and understanding that at a young age may have been one thing that helped me out later in life.

When I was living with my ex I got the job at the bank through a friends mom. I made plans to take her out to dinner one night as a thank you and quickly found myself with her in a bar in SC at the age of 17 with a lot of motor cycle riders who were rather rough. Now I have always loved bikes and had been on a few at that point in my life but this situation was way out of my league at the time. Thankfully there was an older guy there with the nickname Possum and he recognized what was going on and he stuck with me through out the night and it was a long one. Four of us had left that bar onto somebodies house that was the local hang out and the lady I was with was not interested in leaving. Possum was a big guy in full riders gear and he made sure that no one bothered me until I could get this woman to take me home in the morning. He proved to me that all men were not the same and I still owe him a huge thank you for looking out for me that night. When I finally got back to my exes house having been dropped off by 3 others they all looked at me like I had orchestrated the whole event.

I am a deep thinker and try very hard to continually incorporate new information into my belief system. It took many years of being by myself from being an only child to the jobs I took. They tended to be jobs that let me be alone more often than not so it's safe to say I've had some time to think. That hour or so before I fall asleep every night used to be for remodeling my home. Yes it gave me much satisfaction to remake my home into what I knew it could be and I'd fall asleep in no time. Now that time is reserved for pondering deeper social issues even though I have no real training. I think about things like why can we build prisons that can house the most violent people but we can not built schools that really teach our children about life. I think about all those empty houses and all those homeless people. I pray to God that humanity will stop destroying animals, other people and the earth itself....for the sake of greed alone. I also probe why I feel so distant from organized religion but still fell apart of something greater. I would like to believe we are all seeking to be apart of something greater, but the biggest question is WHAT? And over time I kept coming back to the forces of good and evil which probably define most of our views on life itself. Even though I have gaps in my information I believe the battle between these two opposing forces starts and ends in our own heart. Each and everyone one of us has the capacity for great evil and greater good inside of our soul.

As I finished writing the last blog I received a message from another person who has also reviewed all three movies from The Zeitgeist. She recommended another eye opening internet movie called Kymatica. I highly recommend watching this one too because this one addresses specific questions I had and filled in a few more of the blanks. Fear makes us hate and hate makes us act. Acting again starts chain reactions and this film explores why. Fear makes us controllable to the the few power hungry who desire that effect. The PTB or the elite want to use fear, hate and distrust of each other so we will not be focused on what they are doing to our land, our children and our future. In fact the quickest most efficient way to break down any society, cliche, group or organization is to turn it on itself. And we fall for it every time. Instead of seeing a person of different race, culture, genders, sexual orientation as a person with a different world experience who can contribute in their own way something unique if not beautiful to this world. We see what we think they will take away from us. Despite the class system we are all HUMAN and deserve a place in this world. If we didn't we wouldn't be here.

After viewing the film, I thought about my theme song in life when I was younger and smile a little at the memory. I Fight Authority and Authority Always Wins. If my mother ever read this I'm sure she will attest to this :) Authority does not make since and until it does or goes away completely, I will fight. To all the young people who have suffered at the hands of another just because you are different, please remember we are all different for a reason and you have every right to be here and then look them in the eye and tell them get a clue or get missin'! Even though we are all different on the out side we can come together on the inside but that will be no easy feat. The most important differences in people is this... there are those without a conscience and those with one. We have let those who do not have one run this world for too long and they have perverted our way of thinking, feeling and living. It is up to us to stop them before they do any more damage.