1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
Christmas and New Years came and went and all I could do was decorate a small tree for Trey's grave and look back at how much time I wasted with the people who just didn't matter in the end. Mom had now moved back to her moms and was doing much better there. But my time was running out on my house. I started packing all the things I wanted to keep mostly just Trey's stuff, photos, books and clothes. I then started to give away stuff to different people and the rest to good will. My sofa went to my ex brother in law for it had special memories that only we would cherish. The little bit of cash helped so very much at the time too. I do think my nieces are smileyed out with all the smiley face stuff I gave them.
During this time I didn't see Ariel very much, we were drifting apart and like so many others I could understand because dealing with the death of a child is something that others can only stand for so long and then they too must move on with their lives with or with out you. But Trey's death is not something I can get over especially because I hadn't had time to grieve and that's something very difficult to explain to others. It stays with you everywhere you go and some people really do think you can just pick yourself up and move on with no difficulties at all. Her and Scott were not doing very well either and I now believe that she had a really big problem with our friendship, something that she just couldn't let go of or admit to. I even told her earlier that if she needed I would step aside and get out of the way for them both, but she assured me that it wasn't a problem. I would have hated it but I would have done it because I truly wanted them both to be happy and know a third wheel is just that. She had a choice to move in with either Scott or me and declined both.
Valentines Day and then the first year anniversary of Trey's death came. I would always go to the cemetery after dark so I could be alone and that's when I had my conversations with God to bring me home because I felt like I just didn't belong here on this earth any more. The only thing that got me through it was my new roommate Spartacus but I did shorten his name just a bit. Not that I even used his name a lot... just nicknames... a lot like I used to do with Trey. He became my constant companion and didn't mind the cemetery much. Around this time I borrowed the $3200.00 for Trey's head stone from my grandmother and it was finally here. At last! Easter weekend came which also brought the death of Ariel's beloved mother and her entire world fell apart as well. I attended her moms funeral but was just an outsider looking in there. Scott was by her side through the whole time and things really began to fall apart shortly thereafter. They broke up soon and then I felt even worse about the whole thing. I know she felt like I deserted her in her time of need because she had been there through the whole thing with me. In essence that is exactly what I did but I had a reason. I had been willing to give up seeing my most important friend for her happiness after I had already lost almost everything that I held dear... and it wasn't enough. The realization of that broke my heart again because it showed me that her feelings for me were just surface and went no deeper than that. Mothers day came and went then July the 4th again. So many sad days all ran together.
It was crunch time for me and I had so many things to do. I put an ad on Craig's list to rent my place out praying for someone who would want to rent to own because the real estate agents just didn't have any clients that were interested in my area. Moving after being in one place for 12 years was even harder than ever before and it took so much time just sorting out what I had. After talking to Scott about his situations and making sure things were clear between him and Ariel, I then asked if it was okay to move in with him and I was so relieved when he said yes because I literally had no where else to go. I spent a week writing a letter to Ariel about the whole situation, moving in with Scott and a few things that really bothered me. Her response was short and clipped and I was wrong so that was that. All I can say to her is I truly wanted us to all get along because it would have meant that guys really can't ruin a friendship and that was something she was really big on. But I have learned many times that it is much harder to live with ones beliefs than it is to die for ones belief. I really tried with this friendship too and just felt that nothing was ever going to be enough. I guess the season was just over and it was time to, pick up your toys, let go and move on. What more can you do? She still talks to Scott from time to time but somethings will never change.
Between moving, a friend of ours helped me paint the interior of the house and I was sad because I never finished it while I was there. It was the same friend I met in the pool room all those years ago that was friends with us all and I went out with. Turns out he got married to his first wife in Ariel's fathers church many years ago and knew the whole family too. And the circle begins to close ever so tightly. I spent the last few dollars to my name to buy the supplies and was really pushing everything to the limit. I moved the last of my things from the place 12 years to the day, that I moved in. Then it was Trey's birthday again following with the anniversary of Princes Diana's death.
By this time all those letters had been written and sent even though my lawyer wasn't very pleased about it. I had delivered all the boxes containing the supplies to make the memorial books to each family member who had wanted one. I never got to put them together but think it worked out in the end because if it was important to them, then they could do it and add their own touches to make it personal for them. I had spent over a thousand dollars to reprint all the pictures and put them on CD's. I divided the last of the school pictures between the boxes and each had their own photo books to use. That was my last duty for the families and I really did it for all the kids because I wanted them to remember Trey.
At the last moment I found a really nice family to rent the house in October and they moved in. Shortly after the downstairs shower was caved in and so we went back over there and replaced the whole thing... So that made two bathrooms I completed that I couldn't live in now. I had hoped that would be it but the renters were always late paying and then eventually just packed up and moved the next Mothers Day weekend taking quite a few things from the house that wasn't theirs. I soon just packed up all the documents, keys and anything else they needed and dropped it all off at the bank. All those years of working to have a decent credit score and the putting of all that money back into the house was just a big waste of time. And it wasn't like I had anybody to leave it to when I'm gone so... it is was it is. Then there was still so very much to do here at Scott's and it seemed like it was never going to end. But things have calmed down so much since that time and I have only him, Spartacus and God to thank for it. The Christmas holiday's here are almost non existent or maybe a small dinner with just the 2 of us with our furry friends.
This last piece from the past, the lawsuit finally vetted and my ex received his half. He was asked to do the right thing and send my dad roughly a third of his portion which came to about $20,000.00 and I would do the same for my mom. If either of his parents had contributed anything of significance over the years it would have been a different story and let's not forget the $18,000.00 it cost to bury Trey and all the other expenses that he conveniently ignored, including the marker. The estate lawyer didn't calculate all the expenses and missed the amount by over half. I doubt my ex even gave it a second thought as he drove to the bank the day the check arrived and that pretty much sums him up. And no matter what problems I had with Marvelous I can honestly say he never laid his hands on Trey in the entire time I knew him so that makes him one step above my ex husband. Again if you missed it... all I asked is for him to act right and fair and because he wouldn't I told him I would make this info public. Unlike him I've kept my word for many years now several times over. The attorney looked at me when I signed the release docs and said this was the hardest case he ever had to work. I told him... I tried to tell ya.
But my exes beautiful sister, kids and brothers will always remain in my heart because they really loved Trey beyond a shadow of doubt. I knew it and more importantly... he knew it too. I have always had to share my baby with others and only wanted them to be good to him. I will always be thankful to each and every person who loved him and you know who you are.
As for me I repaid all my debts to the persons owed but not the bank. I figure they had enough of what was mine. I helped a few people out and paid my rent for a long while with just a little left over to trade the 14 year old Honda for a 9 year old car. I didn't want this new world that was forced upon me but then who would? Trey didn't just die, my hopes and dreams died that day too. The guilt of roads not taken or dead ends that were traveled still rears it's ugly head from time to time. I wanted him to be happy but I guess he is now if you can look at it that way. Each and every one of us had a hand it the direction his life was in and I've been willing to own up to mine. I don't know if it's because I am a Libra or if it is just experience in life but I have been able to see and understand both sides of the story and look for a middle ground or balance between life or death and right or wrong. But where it came to my own son I failed miserably to prepare him for the harsh cruel world.
I eventually got a message on Facebook I think, from the beautiful soul from the courthouse that day oh so long ago. She told me a small group of mothers got together to talk about their kids and finally I got a chance to meet with them. It was very healing to be able to relate to real people who had been through the same thing and still had the courage to face the days after. To be able to talk about all the problems before, during and after helps so much to not feel so alone. One of the ladies writes her own blog which inspired me to do the same but it took me a really long time to get my stuff together and have the time and space to do so. But she will always have more courage than me everyday of the week because she goes around to area schools and tells her sons story to warn about the dangers of texting and driving. In another twist of fate as mentioned earlier in April 2010 Trey's friend Danny was also killed on a different stretch of Highway 218 at the age of 16. So we had another sad addition to this little club that nobody wants to be a part of. Another tragic loss, one that left us all so unprepared once again for all the grief and guilt. Danny was the one who hung the longest with us because he was one of the great ones too. To know he was up in heaven or home as I call it was so bittersweet too. I could just imagine the conversation with God that they both would have to have and smile just a little bit through the tears because they sure had some explaining to do... and that's just the way it was in pictures.
Which brings me to the point of all these ramblings... maybe. The signs were all there and although I saw them I interpreted them incorrectly. I have always had a feeling that death surrounded me and thought that I'd be the one to die. Just goes to show you what I know. You may think I have some morbid fascination with death after reading this blog but it has really been a way of expressing what I've seen even if I am wrong about things. I have felt old beyond my years most of my life and now I feel like I am well over 60. Life is about cycles and more often than not, you end up at the beginning over and over again until you learn what you need to learn... I am trying to learn because I am tired of starting over. Sometimes the cycles are long and slow and others are quick and cut off way too soon. There is no amount of booze or drugs that can dull the pain of living and it is often better to face it head on so that the healing can begin. People are different for a reason and we would all do well to remember that.
I have also learned many times over... karma takes care of it's own. When others don't hear you sometimes you have to make them hear you even if it is unpleasant and you may even lose them as a friend. And still sometime just listening to what someone has to tell you will be the most important thing you can do. Sometimes good people just can't get along and then there are others who just need to be called out so the good people can be aware of them for their own safety and well being. Sometimes if you push through it you can get to the other side but only if you are sincere in making the journey. I know I wanted to give up many times but the key is to know WHAT to give up and WHEN. But never give up on yourself and most importantly... do no harm and cause no loss but if you do set it right. I made it to the other side of this new world but I had to let go of the old one and in doing so I gained so much more than I ever thought possible. It's a start and I am still a little shaky with a long road to go and not a day goes by that I don't think about Trey. Baby steps. I know I will not live forever and I just wanted this to be out there for anyone who knew me. To be able to say these things to the ones that made the most difference though is the most important thing. I am writing my story in my words to the best of my memory. I may never have the opportunity to see these folks or talk to them but then again, you just never can tell around here.
25. So where was God in all this? >>>>>
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
Christmas and New Years came and went and all I could do was decorate a small tree for Trey's grave and look back at how much time I wasted with the people who just didn't matter in the end. Mom had now moved back to her moms and was doing much better there. But my time was running out on my house. I started packing all the things I wanted to keep mostly just Trey's stuff, photos, books and clothes. I then started to give away stuff to different people and the rest to good will. My sofa went to my ex brother in law for it had special memories that only we would cherish. The little bit of cash helped so very much at the time too. I do think my nieces are smileyed out with all the smiley face stuff I gave them.
During this time I didn't see Ariel very much, we were drifting apart and like so many others I could understand because dealing with the death of a child is something that others can only stand for so long and then they too must move on with their lives with or with out you. But Trey's death is not something I can get over especially because I hadn't had time to grieve and that's something very difficult to explain to others. It stays with you everywhere you go and some people really do think you can just pick yourself up and move on with no difficulties at all. Her and Scott were not doing very well either and I now believe that she had a really big problem with our friendship, something that she just couldn't let go of or admit to. I even told her earlier that if she needed I would step aside and get out of the way for them both, but she assured me that it wasn't a problem. I would have hated it but I would have done it because I truly wanted them both to be happy and know a third wheel is just that. She had a choice to move in with either Scott or me and declined both.
Valentines Day and then the first year anniversary of Trey's death came. I would always go to the cemetery after dark so I could be alone and that's when I had my conversations with God to bring me home because I felt like I just didn't belong here on this earth any more. The only thing that got me through it was my new roommate Spartacus but I did shorten his name just a bit. Not that I even used his name a lot... just nicknames... a lot like I used to do with Trey. He became my constant companion and didn't mind the cemetery much. Around this time I borrowed the $3200.00 for Trey's head stone from my grandmother and it was finally here. At last! Easter weekend came which also brought the death of Ariel's beloved mother and her entire world fell apart as well. I attended her moms funeral but was just an outsider looking in there. Scott was by her side through the whole time and things really began to fall apart shortly thereafter. They broke up soon and then I felt even worse about the whole thing. I know she felt like I deserted her in her time of need because she had been there through the whole thing with me. In essence that is exactly what I did but I had a reason. I had been willing to give up seeing my most important friend for her happiness after I had already lost almost everything that I held dear... and it wasn't enough. The realization of that broke my heart again because it showed me that her feelings for me were just surface and went no deeper than that. Mothers day came and went then July the 4th again. So many sad days all ran together.
It was crunch time for me and I had so many things to do. I put an ad on Craig's list to rent my place out praying for someone who would want to rent to own because the real estate agents just didn't have any clients that were interested in my area. Moving after being in one place for 12 years was even harder than ever before and it took so much time just sorting out what I had. After talking to Scott about his situations and making sure things were clear between him and Ariel, I then asked if it was okay to move in with him and I was so relieved when he said yes because I literally had no where else to go. I spent a week writing a letter to Ariel about the whole situation, moving in with Scott and a few things that really bothered me. Her response was short and clipped and I was wrong so that was that. All I can say to her is I truly wanted us to all get along because it would have meant that guys really can't ruin a friendship and that was something she was really big on. But I have learned many times that it is much harder to live with ones beliefs than it is to die for ones belief. I really tried with this friendship too and just felt that nothing was ever going to be enough. I guess the season was just over and it was time to, pick up your toys, let go and move on. What more can you do? She still talks to Scott from time to time but somethings will never change.
Between moving, a friend of ours helped me paint the interior of the house and I was sad because I never finished it while I was there. It was the same friend I met in the pool room all those years ago that was friends with us all and I went out with. Turns out he got married to his first wife in Ariel's fathers church many years ago and knew the whole family too. And the circle begins to close ever so tightly. I spent the last few dollars to my name to buy the supplies and was really pushing everything to the limit. I moved the last of my things from the place 12 years to the day, that I moved in. Then it was Trey's birthday again following with the anniversary of Princes Diana's death.
By this time all those letters had been written and sent even though my lawyer wasn't very pleased about it. I had delivered all the boxes containing the supplies to make the memorial books to each family member who had wanted one. I never got to put them together but think it worked out in the end because if it was important to them, then they could do it and add their own touches to make it personal for them. I had spent over a thousand dollars to reprint all the pictures and put them on CD's. I divided the last of the school pictures between the boxes and each had their own photo books to use. That was my last duty for the families and I really did it for all the kids because I wanted them to remember Trey.
At the last moment I found a really nice family to rent the house in October and they moved in. Shortly after the downstairs shower was caved in and so we went back over there and replaced the whole thing... So that made two bathrooms I completed that I couldn't live in now. I had hoped that would be it but the renters were always late paying and then eventually just packed up and moved the next Mothers Day weekend taking quite a few things from the house that wasn't theirs. I soon just packed up all the documents, keys and anything else they needed and dropped it all off at the bank. All those years of working to have a decent credit score and the putting of all that money back into the house was just a big waste of time. And it wasn't like I had anybody to leave it to when I'm gone so... it is was it is. Then there was still so very much to do here at Scott's and it seemed like it was never going to end. But things have calmed down so much since that time and I have only him, Spartacus and God to thank for it. The Christmas holiday's here are almost non existent or maybe a small dinner with just the 2 of us with our furry friends.
This last piece from the past, the lawsuit finally vetted and my ex received his half. He was asked to do the right thing and send my dad roughly a third of his portion which came to about $20,000.00 and I would do the same for my mom. If either of his parents had contributed anything of significance over the years it would have been a different story and let's not forget the $18,000.00 it cost to bury Trey and all the other expenses that he conveniently ignored, including the marker. The estate lawyer didn't calculate all the expenses and missed the amount by over half. I doubt my ex even gave it a second thought as he drove to the bank the day the check arrived and that pretty much sums him up. And no matter what problems I had with Marvelous I can honestly say he never laid his hands on Trey in the entire time I knew him so that makes him one step above my ex husband. Again if you missed it... all I asked is for him to act right and fair and because he wouldn't I told him I would make this info public. Unlike him I've kept my word for many years now several times over. The attorney looked at me when I signed the release docs and said this was the hardest case he ever had to work. I told him... I tried to tell ya.
But my exes beautiful sister, kids and brothers will always remain in my heart because they really loved Trey beyond a shadow of doubt. I knew it and more importantly... he knew it too. I have always had to share my baby with others and only wanted them to be good to him. I will always be thankful to each and every person who loved him and you know who you are.
As for me I repaid all my debts to the persons owed but not the bank. I figure they had enough of what was mine. I helped a few people out and paid my rent for a long while with just a little left over to trade the 14 year old Honda for a 9 year old car. I didn't want this new world that was forced upon me but then who would? Trey didn't just die, my hopes and dreams died that day too. The guilt of roads not taken or dead ends that were traveled still rears it's ugly head from time to time. I wanted him to be happy but I guess he is now if you can look at it that way. Each and every one of us had a hand it the direction his life was in and I've been willing to own up to mine. I don't know if it's because I am a Libra or if it is just experience in life but I have been able to see and understand both sides of the story and look for a middle ground or balance between life or death and right or wrong. But where it came to my own son I failed miserably to prepare him for the harsh cruel world.
I eventually got a message on Facebook I think, from the beautiful soul from the courthouse that day oh so long ago. She told me a small group of mothers got together to talk about their kids and finally I got a chance to meet with them. It was very healing to be able to relate to real people who had been through the same thing and still had the courage to face the days after. To be able to talk about all the problems before, during and after helps so much to not feel so alone. One of the ladies writes her own blog which inspired me to do the same but it took me a really long time to get my stuff together and have the time and space to do so. But she will always have more courage than me everyday of the week because she goes around to area schools and tells her sons story to warn about the dangers of texting and driving. In another twist of fate as mentioned earlier in April 2010 Trey's friend Danny was also killed on a different stretch of Highway 218 at the age of 16. So we had another sad addition to this little club that nobody wants to be a part of. Another tragic loss, one that left us all so unprepared once again for all the grief and guilt. Danny was the one who hung the longest with us because he was one of the great ones too. To know he was up in heaven or home as I call it was so bittersweet too. I could just imagine the conversation with God that they both would have to have and smile just a little bit through the tears because they sure had some explaining to do... and that's just the way it was in pictures.
Which brings me to the point of all these ramblings... maybe. The signs were all there and although I saw them I interpreted them incorrectly. I have always had a feeling that death surrounded me and thought that I'd be the one to die. Just goes to show you what I know. You may think I have some morbid fascination with death after reading this blog but it has really been a way of expressing what I've seen even if I am wrong about things. I have felt old beyond my years most of my life and now I feel like I am well over 60. Life is about cycles and more often than not, you end up at the beginning over and over again until you learn what you need to learn... I am trying to learn because I am tired of starting over. Sometimes the cycles are long and slow and others are quick and cut off way too soon. There is no amount of booze or drugs that can dull the pain of living and it is often better to face it head on so that the healing can begin. People are different for a reason and we would all do well to remember that.
I have also learned many times over... karma takes care of it's own. When others don't hear you sometimes you have to make them hear you even if it is unpleasant and you may even lose them as a friend. And still sometime just listening to what someone has to tell you will be the most important thing you can do. Sometimes good people just can't get along and then there are others who just need to be called out so the good people can be aware of them for their own safety and well being. Sometimes if you push through it you can get to the other side but only if you are sincere in making the journey. I know I wanted to give up many times but the key is to know WHAT to give up and WHEN. But never give up on yourself and most importantly... do no harm and cause no loss but if you do set it right. I made it to the other side of this new world but I had to let go of the old one and in doing so I gained so much more than I ever thought possible. It's a start and I am still a little shaky with a long road to go and not a day goes by that I don't think about Trey. Baby steps. I know I will not live forever and I just wanted this to be out there for anyone who knew me. To be able to say these things to the ones that made the most difference though is the most important thing. I am writing my story in my words to the best of my memory. I may never have the opportunity to see these folks or talk to them but then again, you just never can tell around here.
25. So where was God in all this? >>>>>
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