You know years ago, if you had told me that mama’s death
would have been as difficult to deal with as it has turned out to be, I
wouldn’t have believed it possible.
Partly because our relationship was difficult and I know how miserable
she was. I guess for some strange and
stupid reason I thought that would make it a little easier. It has not.
In fact, I think it has made it tougher because I got to experience mama
on a level that I had never experienced before.
I think because I had more time with dad and our relationship wasn’t as
strained throughout our lives as it was off and on with mama, it made dealing
with his death a little easier. I had
over a year with dad while he was coherent enough to talk about things and just
be together. With mom we had 2, 2 day
weekends and then a month with her.
Mama must have told my roommate I love you every time she
passed by her bed. She knew my roommate
was shy at the best of times and she was determined to get her to talk and get
a smile out of her. Well, mama did it! She got my roommate to engage with her. They talked about different things including
my beloved Bulldog Gus and that got me to remembering the last time I brought
him to see mama in February. A year
prior to that I had called mama balling while I was at the vet with Gus. He had a grapefruit sized hematoma with a
walnut sized tumor inside of it attached to his spleen. He was so sick and I was faced with a
decision that was a no brainer for me but the risk involved with that type of
surgery at his age was so high that the vets weren’t sure if he would make it
through the surgery. It didn’t matter, I
had to try and save my buddy no matter what it cost.
Mama was so upset because she loved that beautiful soul
as much as I did and offered to pay for the surgery. I told her that if it was more than what I
had, I’d let her know but ended up having just enough to take care of the
bill. That surgery saved his life and
gave me a year and one more month with him that I will cherish for the rest of
my life. So in February when we went to
see mom, I knew his time was running short.
Gus was almost 13 years old and he had lived longer than the average
with his breed. Mama said that she could
see that he wasn’t the same dog she had remembered but while in the kitchen she
was giving him a treat, he got enthusiastic about it and lunged at it a little too
much catching her fingertips. I saw mama pull
back and count her fingers like she was making sure they were all there. She was smiling and told Gus, there you are,
that’s the happy little guy I remember, but I’d like to keep my fingers if you
don’t mind. It made me laugh and it’s
something I keep thinking about.
It was about a month or so later on 03/19/19 that Gus and
I had to take that final ride to the vet.
It broke my heart… it still does.
He was my first dog and helped me so much after Trey’s death. He was my buddy that rode with me everywhere
in the years afterward until I started working full time outside the house
again. Gus gave mama and me something
neutral to talk about as did the other animals I’ve take in, fostered and
helped. The personalities and attitudes
of each animal here were so pronounced that when I would share the stories of
some of the activities with her she would laugh and always ask about them when
we talked. But mama told me that when I
had to take Gus for that final ride, not to tell her about it until it was
over. She just couldn’t bare it. So I waited until after it was over to call
her.
Since these chapters are about love and loss, I have to
share that event to help me deal with it too.
Gus maintained for that year after his surgery to remove the tumor. He was older and slower but he was still Gus
to me. On a Friday afternoon he started
to have a hard time standing and there had been a small bump on his back bone
less than a quarter in size. Over the
next few days the bump grew in size, was soft to touch but was most probably
painful too. He still ate his food but I
had to bring it to him. The vets were
closed of course due to the weekend but by Monday, I knew that I had to take him
in. So I called them and made the
appointment for Tuesday afternoon and we spent the rest of that day and the
next giving him all kinds of treats he normally couldn’t have.
He had lots of belly and head rubs and love from others
who had stopped by to say goodbye. Gus
had made such an impact on so many people’s lives. He was and is well loved. My roommate and I left for the vet that
afternoon and we parked in the rear. I
moved Gus from the back seat to the back of my SUV in his bed and we just sat
there for about 2 hours quietly watching the world. He never got up and I rarely let go of his
paw. It was a beautiful day to send him
off but it was also a very hard one to bear.
It became time and then Gus was free again. My home and my heart were so empty and I had
to adjust to that feeling of loss. Gus
had been on a schedule of meds and other things that I no longer had to
do. I didn’t know what to do with all
this time I suddenly had and it is the same with mama’s absence. I don’t know what to do with myself.
One of mama fondest memories that she mentioned in the
last month she was here was me telling her about how Gus and I were doing when
he first came to live with me. I had
bought him a bed and that lasted all of a week or so before he eased his way
onto the bed and then onto the pillow beside me. When I didn’t want to get up in the morning
to face another day without Trey, Gus would come and give me a snot shower in
the face. When I started to pull the
pillow over my head, he would stick his nose under the pillow to make me get
up. Then finally he settled on just
sitting on my bladder because he knew I’d have to get up to pee. Gus was smart, dedicated, loyal and was the
best friend anyone could have ever asked for.
I remember that mom called me shortly after Gus came and said she was
coming by for something, I can’t remember what, but she really just came by to
see Gus. Who could blame her?
Mama asked me whether I would move later on down the road
one afternoon. I never really thought
about it much after I sold my camper. I
had accepted that I would probably live here throughout my not so golden
years. It did make me stop and think but
over the next few days it became clear that maybe this was the place I needed
to be. On a practical level, I know this
house and what’s wrong, what’s been done and how to go about fixing what is
needed. Trey, Dad, Gus and now Mom all
died while they lived here so I might as well complete this cycle and do the
same. My memories are so strong here and
maybe I’ll be able to feel them around me more here than anywhere else. I’m still waiting on that dream or for dad to
knock three times to let me know they are okay… maybe one day?
Each loss I have endured seems to compound the ones
before by bringing back all the memories of each to be felt all over
again. I guess that’s one of things that
many older people have to deal with as their family and friends go before them. But losing mama on another beautiful day, who
was the last of my immediate family, the woman who gave birth to me and the
connection we had is something in another realm altogether. It is so out of my depth and not even close
to what I thought it would be like. The
woman I brought home was my mother but not the one I have known most of my
life. The difference was staggering and
I’m still not entirely sure of what to make of it all. Processing all that had happened in that
short time will probably take years at best.
It’s why it feels so surreal, like did all that really happen?
I’ve talked on the phone more in the last few weeks than
I have all year and probably last year too.
I’ve spoken to a few extended family members and have gotten to know
them a little better. I’ve gotten text
messages and ones on Facebook from many others and my limited ability to have
normal conversations shows all too clearly.
For that I am sorry, it’s just I’m awkward in the best social
interactions and in the worse, I am more at a loss. I can guess many of them are too maybe for
different reasons. But it is deeply
appreciated that they have reached out.
On Monday 10/14/19, I picked up mama’s urn from the
funeral home. I have talked to both the
cemetery and them about markers for the plot mama has at Sunset where Trey is
buried and have found that between state and federal laws and the business of
dying that to have mom and dad’s ashes interned is not only going to be much
more expensive because of their rules, it’s also going to be a convoluted
process to pay for it now and do it later.
I’m just not ready to inter their remains at this time. So I made the decision to just have the
markers on the plot and I will scatter the rest of dad’s ashes and moms
whenever, wherever I feel like its best.
Some of dad’s are at Kure Beach where he used to love fishing. I’m going to have to think hard about where
mom would like to be.
When I picked up mom’s urn, I brought her home in her car
since she’d only driven it twice since she got it. It’s a fancy urn that is black with gold
designs on it because it reminded me of the jewelry she wore. I hope she likes it, but know she probably
doesn’t care about those matters now any more than before. One of the things I kept repeating to her
while she was here and struggling was, I got you mama and that’s what I said to
her as I put her urn into her car for that final ride home. To look at an urn in whatever form or however
beautiful it is, is humbling because you know, I know that the contents held
someone that was here and was loved, even when the frustrations were high at
times. Ashes to ashes, dust to
dust. That’s what it comes down to in
the end for our bodies.
No matter your views on the afterlife, while we are here
it still counts in the way we all live our lives. Who we are, our character, morals, values,
the love we feel and show, the hard times we cause and get through, the pain we
endure and the things we have accomplished is all a part of us. It’s these things we take with us when we go
while leaving the body behind. But it is
also things that are left behind in the hearts and souls of the people who love
us. The memories and feelings are what’s
important even if we struggle with them.
Mama was important. I don’t think
she realized just how important she really was.
I’ve known all along that she was important and that’s why I’ve had the
issues I’ve had with her. Mama mattered
to me and I feel the loss of her deeply.
I feel the loss of Trey deeply. I feel the loss of Dad deeply. I feel the loss of Gus deeply. I feel the
loss of Danny deeply. All of these
losses have left me a much different person.
They all mattered and they have all touched my soul in different ways so
when they left this world there is a bigger void in my heart.
All of these events over the last year bring me back to
my original questions that I’d started to search for answers after Trey died. What is my purpose here? I now understand that much of that purpose is
to learn and maybe clear some karmatic debt possibly accumulated along the
way. But there must be another reason I
am left here when so many I love have gone before me. What is it that I’ve got to do before I die
that would fulfill that purpose? I still
don’t know if or when I’ll find the answer to that question and am sure that
many others grapple with it as well.
After bringing mama home, I’ve spent the week looking at
pictures and trying to find some to post.
I had to dig around in a few different places and found that there are
even less pictures of dad than of mom because he too was usually behind the
camera. I can’t tell you what it meant
to me to find some pictures where mama was actually smiling. She did have some happy moments in her life,
although not near enough. It seems like
we only took pictures at holiday’s and rarely in between for those everyday
moments. But I think back and know we
were living those moments whatever they were. Mama and I did have a lot of good moments
too. We both have a dark and twisted
sense of humor. We both loved Trey and
Gus with all of our hearts. We both
share a lot of memories of the past whether they are good or bad. We both loved each other even when we couldn’t
show it. In the end though it was quite
clear that the love was given and received by each and that’s all that matters.
