The brick, rock and hard place.

I've been running pretty hard since July when mom's illness took a turn for the worse.  For some reason I've also felt like I'm running out of time but for what, I have no idea.  That's one of the reasons I started work on the house at the first of the year.  We have come a long way but still have the main rooms including the kitchen to do.  This virus lock down came along and it seemed to confirm my suspicions that we are all running out of time.  I've been working too hard because the lock down didn't really affect my daily life and I feel it in my bones now.  This morning I woke up around 2 am and since I couldn't go back to sleep got up at 3 am.  

I am deeply saddened this morning.  My heart hurts thinking about all those that have left this plane of existence and they are truly missed.  The people who have touched my life, even in a small way have been running through my mind.  It's been 30 years since Granddad's death, 12 years since Trey's, 6 years since dad's and 7 months since mom's.  Over the last 2 years we lost Grandma, Aunt Kat, Aunt Fran, Uncle Jerry and Aunt Ruthie.  Trey's friend Danny has been gone 10 years now, my friend Karen almost 5 years and the young troubled girl named Kellie who lived with me for a while has been gone for about 2 years now.  And my sweet Gus has only been gone for a little over a year.  Each of these people and Gus impacted my life and their absence is felt absolutely.  Pictures are all I have of their physical presence but I still talk to them as if they can hear me when I need to.  But I miss the physical touch and the sound of their voices, the feeling of their presence more with each passing day, yearning to be with them.  Especially with all that is going on in the world today.

Some times I can be thankful that they all checked out of this world before this insanity begun.  Maybe they knew on some level that the events happening today were coming about and did what they could while they were here and then said... okay... I'm out.  I know Trey's death eventually sent me on a search for the all allusive answer to the question; what is the meaning of life?  That search took me to some strange places that would have most of my God fearing family cringing with apprehension on a very deep level.  Some of the post in this blog were written with the level of understanding I had at the time which I have firmly believed was only a stepping stone to other knowledge or experiences.  I think if life is only lessons and there are vast lessons in the universe then, wherever you are in your lesson plan is only a place to ponder, experiment or just learn until you can move on to the next.  In my mind, I've likened it to growing up for which many people are unwilling to do for whatever reason.  I now understand that not everyone is here to learn about spirituality for the purpose of growing. 

And there are those who do want to learn but have been led astray with all the lies, half truths, misinformation and firmly planted beliefs that are rooted in this world for the purpose of diverting them from finding out that this world is not what it seems to be in any way, shape of fashion.  There are usually kernels of truth here and there but to distinguish the truth from the sometimes oh so subtle lies is a tall order.  I can remember many years ago I had a few basic truths that were quite evident to me and they were... the world system we live under is an inherently greedy one... there was a whole lot more to the universe than religion had revealed... and the value of life on this planet meant very little to too many people.

Conversations with people throughout the years were puzzling because some of them saw some of this but rarely thought beyond that which is one thing but the other thing was they didn't seem all that interested in exploring the deeper meaning of life.  The few conversations I've had on that level were the most important ones and those were frustratingly few and far between.  I understand that was my fault because of the people I choose to hang around weren't capable and I didn't go out looking for ones who were.  Or if they came to me, I didn't take the time to find out if it was possible.  It is another reason I've felt so alone in this world even before the ones I loved left.  But I can say that as detailed in the recent post about mom's dying and the deeper thinking I've been doing as of late, that my struggle with mom was also a blessing.

Mom made me be self reliant at a young age and she also put a lot of obstacles in my way that needed to be overcome preparing me for the world at large.  She also didn't attend church or push any belief system on me that had to be overcome.  She didn't have a lot of answers about the deeper meaning of life which caused me to be able to search out my own answers without too many prejudices and that was her greatest gift to me.  It's a shame it only took me 48 years to realize that.  Trey's gift to us all was holding the family together because I am not so sure it would have stayed intact without him.  Even with the strife and struggle between all of us there were lessons that needed to be learned, karma that needed to be purged and most importantly the opportunity to love another human unconditionally.  Whether any of us achieved this remains to be seen but for me he also introduced me to movies that I wouldn't have watched otherwise.  These movies such as V for Vendetta and the Matrix trilogy were paramount in analogies when reading about the issues we all face on a daily basis.  Of course there were many other little tid bits that were scattered throughout the course of his short life that didn't seem all that important at the time, but turned out to be of great significance later on with much thought.

Each event however small started me on the path to learning (the hard way usually) but Trey's birth really pushed me to grow up.  I was just drifting before hand and while the seed was planted it still took a few years to grow and root.  The process was slow and tedious because it was trial and error... repeat.  Each person in my life taught me things that were good and bad whether it was by intent or accident.  Sometimes I was actually able to use the knowledge wisely and other times it took years for the lessons to really sink in.  I think part of that was due to eternal hope that others were also seeking to grow as I was but realizing that was not the case and just couldn't be in this life time.  I also think it was another contributing factor as to why it's so hard for me to be or become emotionally close to others.  

Before this virus lock down there were many claiming to be "woke" to the enter workings of this world.  Since I've been trying to awaken for years, I know that many of these folks are on their own stepping stone but I don't know if they will realize that there is so much more to what they know or think they know.  I do realize that my knowledge wouldn't even fill a thimble and the awaking process is not as easy or pain free as they believe it to be.  If it comes at all it comes in fits and starts in the beginning and to continue it, it takes a lot of work, sacrifice and a willingness to endure the pain of many things such as failure, personal relationships that may fall apart, belief systems torn to shreds, trauma in many varieties and many other assorted growing pains.  From what I've seen many people avoid pain at all cost and this in and of itself is not conducive to waking up.  

While I knew I needed to grow up, I can't say I had the intentions of waking up but there have been many heartbreaking, mind shattering moments that have caused me to begin this process.  I can't say how far along because there is so much I just don't know and won't know in this life time.  But there is a quote that I take to heart and it is... if it takes you 5 lifetimes to learn the lessons that are needed for you, then start now.  I can tell you I am not a blind faith kind of person because I've have felt that "blind" being the operative word is just that. Blind.  Faith is something I have and continue to struggle with but I do believe that this world and any others are just lessons for us all. 

Losing so many important people in my life as well as the many experiences to date should have prepared me for the social distancing, muzzle wearing, blind faith in the PTB by the many super programmed people in this world... and to a degree it has... but because it is this trying to take away the opportunity for humans to interact with each other as humans that disturbs me greatly.  Our connection to each other has been beaten down steadily over the years and this push to break it all together takes being lonely to a whole new level.  I guess some will not understand or even notice but some of you will.  If you are apart of a close knit family the effects will be profound and the feelings may be unbearable.

When I started this post it was early May and now it is early August.  3 months have flown by at a crawl, if you can understand my meaning.  We are in the last stage of remodeling and things are coming together at least at home.  Work is still more than challenging due to the nature of it (grocery), the times we are in and the disintegration of a good team by managers who are nothing but corporate mouth pieces while doing as little as possible.  Those types of managers set up teams to fail and then blame the teams themselves when it happens.  They accuse us of doing what they themselves are doing while causing even more division among the team.  This team was consistently in the top 3 in the district and sometimes leading the district without these managers present.  After they arrived things could only go downhill from there. 

Sounds familiar?  That is also what I see on a much broader scale with this country and the world.  Since I have lived my life between a rock and hard place often enough, I can see that a brick has been added to the mix.  Using the reference above, the rock and hard place was between corporate's ever increasing, insane demands with low pay and between customers. A good example of corporate directives came in emails several months ago.  The first was said... "We understand that you do not have the people, training, equipment, space or products on the shelves but we will be increasing the volume to max plus some. We know you will do the best you can!"  The next email stated... "We understand you are tired and you've done an excellent job keeping up with the volume but it's now time to get back to customer service excellence standards."  This partly means cutting labor dollars aka employee hours without cutting the volume of work.

Some of the customers are the type to complain about almost everything to save a few dollars.  Some use retail workers as a handy target to let off steam when their lives are not to their liking for whatever reason.  Now imagine the added stress from the last few months of lock downs, mask wearing (or not), riots, school or job uncertainties and being told to stay away from the people or places where they can vent about what's going on.  Then add the brick to the rock and hard place when you have poor to incompetent managers facilitating the destruction of a team making it a triangle where it becomes tough to move, think or just be.

The above situation in a work place is a good example of what's going on in the world.  The biggest difference is scale.  Information on the internet is being scrubbed of anything that contradicts the corporate interest, directives and mandates.  IE: Social Distance, mask wearing, threat of more lock downs except where rioting is concerned, then that's okay. The incompetent managers aka corporate mouth pieces aka political puppets aka doctors for big pharma, with the help of the corporate driven media are telling you what to do when, how often, why and then claiming it is for everyone's good.  The customers in this case are the ones who seem to have no clue to what's really going on but are parroting what they are being told repeatedly.  They are the brainwashed, anxiety ridden, confused people who truly believe that things will get back to normal if we all just do as we are told.  And if you don't do what they tell you to do they will complain, report or public shame you to make your life miserable.

My mom always said I was a willful child.  I know I have been suspicious of authority figures for most of my life.  For the simple reason, they don't make sense.  Their actions show they don't care about the life of people.  They don't care about their death either.  I had to learn this the hard way and it was a painful lesson that took many years to understand.  Going against the grain more often than not taught me how to be alone even if it's not the most healthy way to live. Being bullied as a kid taught me to have thick skin and eventually to stand up for myself.  Not going to college or falling for too much of the indoctrination in high school helped me learn to think for myself... even if I am wrong at times... because finding out that I am wrong helped me to reevaluate the situations until I found solutions that actually worked.

While these things may have better prepared me for what has come about today, it by no means will make it any easier to navigate the disintegration of humans into automations of a dying system where we all become slaves to psychopaths in power.  This is the most important war we all find ourselves in eventually when we can or will open our eyes to see.  The young and the old are the casualties and have been for a very long time. It's a war on our spirit, soul, mind and bodies.       



         

The calm before the storm

I remember being bored as a young kid feeling like things would drag on forever.  I'm sure many kids today are feeling the same thing as this lock down drags on too.  It is for them that I feel sorry for because too many have been raised on the screens of many devices and have little to no desire to go outside or do things that don't require any technology.  However I've been trying to lead a boring life for many years now and have worked hard toward that goal.  I don't go out often and when I do it is usually running errands.  Since I watch little to no TV, I have a lot of other things that interest me.  There is always chores of course but I'm talking about creating things, reading books and trying new recipes when the mood strikes.  If I had the time, I'd learn things like canning and sewing.  Is that boring enough for ya?  Lately, as I get a few minutes in the morning and evenings to enjoy the sudden quiet that has fallen in the neighborhoods so I can listen to the birds and whatever nature sounds that are around... I appreciate it all the more.  Silence is good for the mind and the soul.  

Another reason is because it has allowed me time to think about all that is happening in the world at this moment in time.  We have crossed another threshold but this time we have made a giant leap over it and I have been trying to make peace with the fact that the world as we knew it is gone.  With so many changes in my life over the last 12 years, you'd think that I'd have all this down pat by now, but that is not the case because this change has effected everyone on the globe.  It seems like most people hopped on board when the alphabet agencies told everyone to isolate themselves to save the world without asking this one very important question.

In your life time...when have any of these agencies, parties, corporations or the government ever cared about our heath, wealth or well being before?  The short answer is never.  Oh they may pretend to as I have learned over the years but if you really look deeper you can see that every law, legislation or bill that has or is trying to be passed benefits those who have great wealth and a desire to rule the world.  They have sold too many others an illusion that they've gladly accepted because to really look at the alternative would have been too much to accept.  These agencies have been conditioning the people much like Pavlov's dogs were conditioned to respond with fear.

I watched first hand at the grocery store I work at what was happening.  It was my little microcosm where I could see people from all walks of life pile in and start the panic driven, fear based buying of all supplies.  There were people who were greedy and decided that they were entitled to everything first simply because they got there first. When others came in and saw the lines, the empty shelves the panic spread quickly and as they texted or phoned others the tornado of people swept away the last of the food that would normally not be bought.  Some people were very thankful that we were there but many others thought it was their right to be served quickly and for us to manufacture stuff from thin air that we didn't have. 

My first thought on this and these entitled people demanding things we just didn't have to give them was... boy are you in for a big surprise.  Since I've worked for most everything I have in life and learned early if what I wanted was unavailable or even not within reach, I either had to have patience or make do without.  But it's been 3 weeks since that first wave of panic hit the stores here and in those 3 weeks we have been scared to death by the irresponsible media which has caused a massive lock down on our movements and done their best to sever all physical contact between people.  Human contact is essential to life and they have found a way to make that one thing you didn't think could be taken away... to be done so in such a way as to make you think it is for you own good.  I call bullshit on every level on that one.  But the absolute insane thing about it is not just how many people fell for it, but are now considering themselves the social and thought police.  

To save lives, they said.  Humph.  It's not just the agencies of this world who hasn't been interested in saving lives throughout millenia, it's this selfish, greedy world that has adopted the "fuck you what about me" mentality.  If you are clearing the shelves and taking all the supplies for yourself, you clearly don't care whether others live or die.  And if you are doing it all to make a profit then congratulations! You have become just like the psychopathic sub humans that are running the world.  But here is the kicker to all this... they knew exactly how many of you would respond and it went according to plan, at least so far.  So my question now is... where are all these entitled people when it comes to demanding that our basic rights not be wiped out?  Are you in the comfort of your own home, well stocked now and unconcerned with anything else?  Do you believe that things will return to normal and the economy will recover soon enough so you can continue to live in your comfortable house with just regular every day worries?  Again, you are in for a big surprise.  

Even if you took the scariest numbers about this virus and the rate of infection to time of death in consideration, do you not realize that more of your neighbors or your family would have already passed?  If not, how long will it take for you to see that there is no curve to flatten and therefor no end in sight, unless everyday people start to turn off the news and start paying more attention to the real world outside of their homes, devices and wild rumors?  When food and basic supplies stop showing up on the shelves, when every business except Walmart and Amazon close their doors for good, when they come to foreclose on your home, turn off your power and water?  Will you then begin to see that maybe we have all been lied to for a very long time for the benefit of the few?  Empires fall.  And we are teetering on the edge of the abyss.  

I scroll through Facebook taking the temperature of those who live close and far away to see how well this experiment in social engineering is going.  I can see many are trying to change peoples minds by changing their verbage so that it makes it sound like you are doing the right thing.  They want to change your mindset so that you will be comfortable with all that is happening.  It's the same message... Don't think, just do what you are told.  Stay home, stay safe.  Keep wrapping everyone, especially your kids is bubbles of safety where nothing can happen to them.  Don't worry your government is in control... everything will be just fine and there is some truth in that.  Everything will be fine for those in control of the people but not the people themselves.

Since it seems that the majority of the people have all but given up and become programmed robots, regurgitating what ever mainstream media and their neighbor says, I have lost faith in humanity as a whole.  I also understand that there are some of you out there who can still see what is happening with horror in your heart.  If any of my experiences have taught me anything, it's those who can see and feel what's happening will have a harder time than those who don't.  We value our freedoms and our families... not just one or the other.  We also value the creative expression and the need to touch the ones we are close to. 

I would also like to acknowledge the ones who seem to be in between and by that I mean, those people who are willing to help out others in times of need.  That is what helps me maintain my sliver of hope for humanity.  It is so difficult to see that the help that is being offered is being used for the purpose of maintaining this charade such as the making of masks and the donation of supplies which perpetuates this manufactured crisis.  I am thankful that there are still many who will do what they can when they can but I'm so very sorry that these people are being used.  So the next time a quite possibly real crisis arrives, they might not be as willing or trusting to help.        

I'm not going to be like almost everyone else and tell you what to do or what you should be doing.  This journey in life is personal and it is our own lesson to learn.  I will tell you what I hope though, because hope springs eternal.  I hope some good comes from these times.  I hope through the worries that many of us are dealing with that we can take time to really think while we are on lock down.  I hope that each of you who are ready, willing and able to work through the fear and the panic to see that life can be so much more than the daily grind with bills, jobs, schools, shuffling the kids here and there or whatever it is that you feel like you have to do to get the list checked off.

I hope you can go outside and be apart of the world without a device attached to your body and see your little microcosm of the world.  If it isn't what you want to see, I hope you will go out and make a difference even if it's just picking up the trash. For those of you with kids, I hope you get to really know them in this time you have with them.  Maybe even forge a deeper bond with them if you haven't had the time to do so.  On the flip side to that, if you haven't spent much time with your kids and find out they are lazy, clueless and quite possibly entitled too, maybe you can take a good long look at the real reason that it's so and I'd hope that you would at least try and correct it. Not just for your sake but for everyone elses.  There are too many of these types as it is and I can tell you from experience that this lock down was and will be a tailor made excuse for these types who don't accept any responsibility for themselves much less others but when the time comes they very well may need to do just that. 

I hope that many people would learn and start to make things again.  Since there is a very good possibility that all of the supply chains will be effected by what is happening, now would be a good time to learn how to fix and repair things too.  It may become paramount that we learn to garden and farm small animals for our survival.  Now I am not talking about taking things back to the 19th century... at least I sincerely hope not... but in these time you just never know.  It might not be a bad idea to get back to our roots and away from being a service based country. There are so many trades out there to be learned and there is absolutely nothing wrong with working with your hands.

Although I do know the service industry is carrying the weight of the world on them at the moment and it should show people just how important these people really are everyday, not just in a (manufactured) crisis situation.  We the people, who get up everyday to exert much physical labor that too many others thought unimportant or simply beneath them have an advantage.  We see more of the real world and we have what it takes to get through hard times because we live with the struggle daily.  It is my hope that each of you know your worth and demand that you be treated accordingly.      

We all know that not everybody can or will do any of these things though.  Some live in densely populated cities or a poverty so pervasive that all hope seems lost at this point.  But I can tell you that the poor have a lot more experience with doing without than many others on the planet and they may be the ones who can make it through the times ahead better than all of us.  I also hope that you will be able to recognize the ones who would gladly sell their freedom for that illusion of safety and security.  That kind of life where you live in a comfort zone without ever trying new things is stagnant and causes entropy of the soul.  Fear can be a great motivator if it is used properly and not as a tool for oppression.  There is also spiritual growth when you can persevere through things that make us uncomfortable.  The possibilities are limitless in the positive things that can be accomplished if we apply ourselves to learn, try and repeat as necessary to be what we are meant to be.  I hope you will travel a road to freedom and pave the way for the ones who cannot. 

I hope you can understand that I do care for the people of this world even if I don't really like them at the moment.  I care enough to speak about the ramifications of our actions or more importantly our inactions as our life as we know it is replaced with a life of suffering on a massive scale that will end more lives than this virus.   

Until that time, I hope you truly enjoy the calm before the storm.