Peace, love and happiness… or not.

As I was proof reading the last post it became apparent that it was sounding like things where all peace, love and happiness but sometimes it’s anything but.  I do mean that things are worked out as well as they will ever be between mom and me but the reality of the situation is still difficult in the way of her physical limitations and definitely the emotional and mental conditions.

There is a learning curve with caring for any person at the end of their life and since the nurturing gene seems to have skipped several generations it is something I am trying to learn.  I’ll never be a natural but I can at least put forth the effort because mom seems to need it so very much now.  I think she has been looking for it all along in all the wrong places and because I’ve done the same thing, I can see where it comes from.  In the moments where it’s hardest for her to breathe she is more confused now than the new normal and it’s when I can be more nurturing and comforting to her.  That reality is a far, far distance from the woman I grew up with or even the one who was here 10 years ago.  It’s hard to wrap my brain around it.

Then there are the moments where the medications have kicked in and she is more like the woman I remember.  In those times mom is a little more demanding and discontented.  It’s softer now if that makes sense but it’s still there underneath.  While she is trying to make things easier on me now when she is able sometimes I feel like it’s so I can do more for her even when she is able to do for herself in that moment in time.  Some examples are like when I’ve finished getting her off the potty (her home sweet home now as we like to call it) or setting up her meds or making sure she has eating, she will wait until I sit down to ask me to do something else.  Repeatedly.  Just little things like more tissue, Q Tips, wipes or simply just to move something to another location.  It’s during these times it is harder for me to be nurturing to her.  Oh, I usually do it but it does get on my nerves more when I am tired and sleepy.  Such is life, I guess.

I also talked with one of the first hospice nurses and she told me it was natural for mom to want to have some control over the simple daily things and it was important to ask her things like did she want yellow or green socks to help give her a sense of control.  Now, that I can do but the things I mentioned above go beyond that.  It was weird that the nurse even mentioned it because the conversation was about the time she may have left.  We all know it’s an impossible question but one I still felt compelled to ask.  Her answer was interesting though because she stated that a person’s personality makes a difference in the way that, if they are a fighter then they will usually fight to stay here longer but if they are the type to give up easily then that’s what they’ll do.  Mom fits both types with her stubbornness and decisions to give up on things in life… so that cleared that up!!!

It also seems like mom is unaware of the impact she has made on other people lives over the years while believing that she doesn’t bother anyone.  But I know for a fact that she has made an impact of other people’s lives as evidenced by the conversations I’ve had with them when they had a problem or issue with her.  While mom was overt with me as a kid, her methods turned more covert and subtle over the years which just became her natural state of being.  I talked about the control that she had held on to tightly for so many years had begun to loosen tremendously lately but it is still there just on a much smaller scale.

Since I began to read many books on the issues of psychology that have come a long way over the years, it’s something I’ve tried to be aware of in myself.  While I know that I am very different in some aspects from mom and the environments that I have lived in were different too, it’s always been my concern that I may have that same trait, issue or problem.  It probably was the biggest reason I lived my life the way I did, in an effort to try and go the opposite direction.  I guess it depends on who you ask as to whether I’ve been able to control that within myself.  As best as I can tell, the people who have been kind to me see me as the same way and the ones who ended up using me think I am the user especially when I don’t allow that to continue when I see it for what it is.  Maybe it's how people treat me that determines how I will treat them.

It’s now 09/25, almost 3 weeks since I’ve been off from work and the routine that helped me to get through the week has been altered drastically.  Slowly but surely we are establishing a new one that will let me go back to work around the middle of October… hopefully.  I miss the exercise and can’t believe that I am even writing that!!! I will probably hurt for a few days when I return because I am not doing much physically at home.  I also miss some of the people and others… not so much.  I took a moment to walk down to my friend’s house the other day, who is also having serious health problems and it felt good to be out of the house for a few minutes.  I’ve completed everything that can be done at this time and am just waiting on things to finish their cycle so I can complete closing down mom’s accounts. 

During this time it also became clear that I needed a new POA and will but trying to make the decisions of who could and would handle it was difficult because the few people I trust are older than me.  It also became clear that the person I selected at first wasn’t going to work out so back to the drawing board and then another redo of all those documents.  I’ve said several times in this blog, I don’t mind dying so much as a long, slow and painful death.  I’ve had a living will done for years that states my desire to not die in a bed depending on others for the most basic of functions and that still holds true today, if not more so after caring for mom.  I am not going to be a burden to anyone and let’s face it, when it gets to that point; there is no quality of life anymore.  It will simply be time to go on my terms. 

We also have a new problem that the Fed Ex driver, which is a female, is afraid of dogs, and with Rocky being an outside during the day kinda dog, she is now refusing to get out of the truck for moms packages.  I have tried to find a solution and she is not interested but states that she will stop delivering them if I can’t get Rocky under control.  Of all the deliveries we have coming here she is the only one who has an issue with him, that I know of.  I just have to state again, that if you have any job that takes you to people houses and you are afraid of dogs… then you are in the wrong job. Period.  Rocky can tell she doesn’t like him and that makes him not like her.  For those of you who don’t know, Rocky was abandoned by the neighbor’s and I took him in.  Inside he is the sweet, gentle giant, but outside he is hell on wheels when it comes to strangers and he will protect the yard. 

Mom asked me did I know this process with her was going to be as difficult as it was.  I said, oh yeah because even under normal circumstances things are difficult to complete on a good day.  When dealing with corporations, accounts, courts and the like… ain’t nothing quick or easy about it.  Then compound the issues detailed earlier with mom’s refusal to handle things and you have a pretty good idea of the magnitude of things and the time to get them handled.  Mom has told a few people that I have done a stand up job of getting things done.  But I haven’t dealt with our house and it still looks like a hurricane went through it.  Whew, it wears me out just thinking about it.  She seems pleased that I have saved her some money from rolling her phone account into mine to negotiating her security contract buy out for early termination.  When we go to the store, we all try to make our money go as far as possible and that isn’t going to change.

Some of our aunts have tried to call mom several times and they haven’t been able to reach her.  She has good moments and bad ones.  Hospice is still trying to get her medications leveled out and recently they took her off one of the anxiety drugs that she had been using off and on for many years and switched her to another one.  That one has made her sleep A LOT over the last 4 days and when a nurse was here on Friday I asked is this normal?  They said that until the drug got into her system enough to stabilize her anxiety that causes her to shake uncontrollably, she would sleep more.  Hummm. Well it is hard to get mom awake to eat, use the bathroom and take her other medications but we are making it happen.  Our Aunts have been calling me now since mom is not answering her phone and it’s so very good to hear from them.

My cousin mentioned that I may need to hire someone to help me care for mom and that is a possibility.  One I know nothing about but I better get on it and start doing some research.  While I appreciate that my employer offers the FMLA, it has a lot of limitations and it only covers a certain 12 week period of time.  I don’t know who figured you can schedule a death like a doctor’s appointment but that’s the way it is.  I’ve got other responsibilities that need to be taken care of in my home so I have got to go back to work and try and balance everything else.  I guess I’ll be using the old trial and error method as I’ve done so many times before.

 10/02

It’s been a quiet few days because mom is sleeping more and more.  At first I thought it was the new anxiety medication the hospice nurses had switched her to but after one came yesterday, I’m not sure at all.  Mom’s bed sore isn’t healing, so we got her an air mattress that moves.  It feels like there are pool noodles that change positions every so often to relieve the pressure on her body but she has also developed a large blister on her heel.  I don’t know why because we have been keeping her turned on her side to help the sore on her back.  Mom’s feet swell a lot but now her hands and a few places on her face are swelling too.

I then decided to scale back the new anxiety medication to every 12 hours instead of 8 to see of that was the problem.  It helped some but now the nurse wants to up her methadone to a full tablet instead of a half and cut the morphine to every 4 hours.  So we are trying that and going back to the 8 hour schedule for the anxiety medication.  If the nurses can’t tell if mom’s decline in the last week is due to the changes in all the medications or whether it’s a natural progression of the end… then I sure as hell don’t know.

 

Mom gets fixated on small things and can’t seem to focus on anything else around her.  When she does get up to potty it takes an hour minimum to get that done but sometimes it takes as much as an hour and 45 minutes.  There is this process she has to go through and it is almost OCD at this point.  She is wearing depends now in case she can’t hold it and that in itself is another ball game altogether.  I’ve told mom every day that I am trying to get back to some semblance of a routine before trying to go back to work.  She isn’t really happy with that when she is lucid enough to understand.  At 9 pm, I try and motivate her to the potty in the hopes of going to bed at 10 pm.  Most nights she simply won’t start to go until 10 pm, so I have changed the clocks she looks at so they read an hour later than it actually is.  Maybe this will help?  When the time changes in about a month I’ll evaluate whether to change it or just let them show 2 hours ahead of the rest of the house.

I think mom understands she is dying but not the process of it and what it’s actually is doing with her body.  She is talking less and less now but using hand gestures that I’m having to decipher.  They don’t always make sense.  When she is awake I keep the TV on and we have been watching old episodes on Unsolved Mysteries.  It helps keep her mind from circling around those top 10 issues and a little with some of the OCD things.

 

Over the next week and a half I still have several things that need to be wrapped up.  Most of them are things I have put off like finishing my own paperwork, transferring mom’s final arrangements to a local funeral home because it’s easier, filing all the paperwork at the courthouse and cleaning the house.  If I can get this stuff done, it will be a load off my mind.  I think I will message Tiffany and see if she will come and sit with mom a few hours on the weekends after I return to work… if I can.  

Mama's Gone    

Emotional Roller Coaster

It’s Saturday the 14^th and I just published the previous post about the timeline of events.  While this one will pick up where I left off somewhat, it is more of a record of conversations and emotions that were and are running through both moms and my heads.  We have to go back to the second weekend and the four days I spent in Chester packing up mom’s things for the move to get to the heart of other matters that have been a sticking point in our relationship.

First of all I’d like to take full responsibility for not seeing and understanding just how far downhill mom had gotten over the last few years and the last six months in particularly.  I know I should have made more of an effort to go see her and even though most of us have bills to pay and lives to live, it was no excuse for me not to visit more often and see where she was physically, mentally and emotionally.  When I saw her the first time since February, I was shocked to say the least.  She had lost so much weight she was skeletal and her hair stood up on end.  Secondly after the fallout in 2012 when I finally let out what I had held in for so very long, I distanced myself from her because I knew she was unable to bend in any other direction than the one she had been leaning toward most of my adult life, especially when dad was dying because I just couldn’t handle both at the same time.   Was I wrong?  Maybe.

Why am I writing today instead of getting up to finish the multitude of task that needs to be addressed?  Because I need a day off where taking care of mom is all I have to do and my body and brain said today is that day.  They are both on overload and playing catch up.  Also, I want to get as much of these times down so I can remember them and specific events if it’s ever needed for whatever reason.  It’s another surreal time and I understand that as time moves on, things will fade or blur together.  This time with mom has been good for us both and taking care of her has helped me feel closer to her than I have since I was the child that needed to be taken care of.  Never thought I say or write that sentence.

The second weekend which is Tuesday and Wednesday for me, mom and I talked about other stuff while going through some old pictures.  Many of them I’d never seen before like the one of her in a prom dress playing a piano.  It was never mentioned that she knew how to play.  When I’d come across a photo of her I’d ask when it was taken, she would barely look at it.  I’m sure some of the memories were difficult if not painful.  Some of the others were so interesting like seeing my granddad in 50’s clothes looking cool with his short sleeves rolled up in front of cool 50’s cars.  In every picture he looked happy and laid back while grandma looked stern and serious most of the time.  The difference was noticed throughout the years in the pictures.  Mom and I spent about 3 hours off and on looking at them while I sorted the ones I’d like to keep.  She threw a lot away that were of people I didn’t know.  It was like she was separating herself from the stuff as well as memories.

On the first and second weekend mom was able to move from the bed and go to the bathroom by herself although she was wobbly sometimes.  She was still trying to find someone to come in to help her and work the hours that she wanted them to work but told me she wasn’t having luck with it.  It was hard for her to get started in the morning and that’s when she struggles the most.  If she slept more than 2 hours or when she needed the morphine to help her breathe, it took a while for her to get going again.  The best metaphor I can come up with is it’s like driving a stick shift where the clutch is going out and you have to push or roll it to get it started.  The longer you have to do that the harder it is to get it started. 

I was seriously hoping she could find someone to come and stay with her while I tried to figure out just what to do.  I had finished the first POA and had Tiffany sign it when she picked it up from my job one morning.  I didn’t even recognize her at first because it had been over 10 years since I’d seen her.  She seemed like she was still the sweet young girl who had grown into a young women.  We hugged and she offered to help any way she could but there wasn’t much she could do realistically.  I knew Tiffany didn’t want the job of caring for an ailing elderly person and when I had first messaged her about her being listed second after Billy, she stated that she’d prefer it that way.  I can’t blame her a bit about that.  But this is difficult because I already knew that I would be the one who cared for her in her last days, even if I didn’t want to.  Being an adult means doing many things that you don’t want to do.  After Tiffany returned the documents to me I sent them to Billy to be signed with notes on where and paid for it to be overnighted in the hopes that I could get them back before my next trip to Chester.  They never came back to me so those papers were never filed.

Linda, the lady helping mom had sent me numerous text messages over that last week about how stubborn mom was and started telling me that Tiffany shouldn’t be the POA or the recipient of a large portion of mom’s estate.  I tried to tell Linda that things are what they are with mom.  I didn’t ask her to advocate for me with my mom because I knew that she wasn’t going to listen to anyone else, especially when they try and tell her what to do.  I got it honestly.  When mom told Linda that I knew about her naming Tiffany as POA, she also said I took it well.  I did because I am not arguing about anything with mom anymore.  There is no point and with her being so close to the end, why make it even harder for either of us than it already is?  The only thought I had about it was did mom really think so little of me that she was willing to give so much to someone outside of the family in the slim hope that this person would be there for her in the end?  If so it would all come out one way or another and then I would just move on.  Linda also kept telling me that she was mad the neither Billy or Tiffany encouraged mom to talk to me or even contact me to tell me what was being done at that time.  I’m sure mom asked them not to and even if she didn’t Billy doesn’t care enough and it really wasn’t Tiffany’s place to.  So all this was going through my mind as to how am I going to care for mom with my hands tied behind my back.  I called mom almost every day to check on her and see if she needed me to bring anything when I came.  She actually took my calls now, even if they were just for a few minutes at a time.

So that was what on my mind as I left on Tuesday to begin the packing to move her here.  After I arrived and began the packing I’d have to stop and help mom go to the bathroom which was now located next to her bed.  During those times she would talk about or ask about things and she finally asked if I had got the POA done.  I told her I had sent it to Billy the same day Tiffany brought it back, but I haven’t received it back from him.  This was my opening where I suggested that she think about things as they were at this time.  I told her Trey was our center and his death affected our whole immediate family to the core.  With Tiffany being Trey’s friend it was different in the way of his and Danny’s deaths were more of an event because eventually they would move on with their lives as they should.  That lifetime of grief was ours to bear and not theirs although I’ve always hoped that Trey would be remembered often.  It was another reason I didn’t keep in touch with a lot of those kids. 

I also told her that Tiffany really doesn’t want to do it because it’s a lot of work for someone her age who hasn’t had to deal with anything like that before.  So I suggested that she make Billy her executor of the will because it made the most sense because they co-own grandma’s house, her will is still not completely finished with probate, he’s been through the process recently so he had a better handle on it than I would and he could afford to take the time off from work easier than I could.  After making these suggestions, I left the matter alone and continued the packing.  But before I continue I would like to state a couple of things for the record.  I am not that altruistic and understand that money is needed to live in this world.  While it is important, it is not all there is to and in life.  I am not taking care of mom because I expect anything in return. 

I am in fact taking care of her for a selfish reason but I’m not sure some of you would understand.  I have felt like this small pocket of family has been cursed and that feeling has grown stronger as the years have gone by.  Maybe, just maybe, by me taking on the role of caregiver for both of my parents that will help end this cycle.  I have read where trauma is inherited in our DNA and if it is passed down through each generation then it is clearly going to end when it’s my time to go.  But I can only hope that my trying to help them have some kind of peace before they go on to where ever it is they need to go, will help me learn lessons I must have needed in this lifetime.  In other words if we do reincarnate I don’t want to have to relive this life again because of lessons not learned.  I have stated a few times in this blog that I have made as much peace with the past as I can but will tell you again, it is a process and sometimes you can find the end of that process without even trying as I did during this time. 

I’ve talked about moms top 10 issues that circle in her head in the previous post and some of her physical condition.  I firmly believe there is a solid connection between the two.  As her health is failing so is her consciousness in the way it looks like it is collapsing on itself.  She repeats herself a lot because she does forget things easily but we have had several conversations where she was lucid and finally as open as she can be.  She told me I was going to be mad at her when she told me about how much she left Tiffany and I told her I wasn’t.  It is what it is.  Mom then told me to redo both the POA and the will but to burn the first one without opening it up.  Well, I did open it and wasn’t surprised but I did burn it as requested.  I asked her why did she set up the old papers in this way?  She responded that we were fighting and she was mad but I think as stated earlier in the first post she was hurt.  I understand that because I have been hurt by her for many years although I don’t think she believes that I can be hurt by words, actions or inactions.

I contacted Billy by FB messenger with the following note on Saturday the 7^th after speaking with my cousin about the situations since so many were going on at one time:

Mom said she wanted you to come and talk about what to do with the house.  I don't know when or even if you are coming but I wanted you to know that the neighbor has made a mess of the garage, the house needs to be finished as to the cleaning out and her bills transferred so I can get them paid.  I cannot do any more about the house at this time.  When I am there on Tuesday, I will get all the food out of the fridge and freezer in the house so it doesn't start to smell and attract bugs or vermin when and if the power is cut off.   The outside freezer still has food in it.  Oh and Aunt S would like the mattress and or whole bed in Grandma's room. 

I know about mom’s first will and I don't know why she couldn't have understood that Tiffany was not there for her over the last 10 years or so as she maybe told her she would be.  I asked mom why she waited so long to tell me what was going on and she said she didn't want to bother me with it.  Tiffany is not here now and I have known my whole life that this would play out exactly as it is.  I am scrambling to get things done last minute and feel like I am running out of time. 

I will tell you that no matter the differences between mom and me I cannot let her die scared and alone depending on strangers that were quite possibly taking advantage of her.  I've applied for FMLA which is unpaid and I'm trying to figure out how to make this all work.  Our cousin and I have been talking a lot about the whole situation and she is willing to help when she can.  If you have any questions call me at #.  End note to Billy.

For days I did not hear from him and that is par for the course.  Mom had talked about this several times and gets agitated when she does.  So that is the evening when we sat down and I asked her what she wanted to do in regards to the POA and the will.  She told me with tears in her eyes that she was eternally grateful for me taking her in and that she has always loved me.  Even if I was a brat.  She stated she wanted me to handle everything and to do the will where I am the executor because she understood she couldn’t wait on Billy after I told her I hadn’t heard anything back from him and knew he had seen the message.  That’s when she told me she had given Tiffany her old GNC Envoy and most of her jewelry as well as money over the years.  Mom then said she wanted to make sure that I would inherit the estate but while I was typing it up, I told mom I left Tiffany a little money and her friend in Chester a little too.  She was okay with both of those decisions.  So with all the paperwork signed the work was just beginning. 

On Wednesday through today I have been trying to get mom stabilized by keeping her meds on schedule, food in her tummy and just being there when she is shaking so bad she can’t even hold the nebulizer cup steady.  Just being close to her to let her know she isn’t alone seems to help with her anxiety and I let her talk even if she is repeating herself many times.  It seems to calm her.  I can sit with her, rub her back and let her lean on me.  I know she is scared, relieved to have people around her now and she has given up the control that she held onto tightly for many, many years.  Sometimes, just sometimes when you give up control, you may find what you’ve been searching for.

One thing on mom’s repeat list is she doesn’t understand why her mom didn’t help her out with a little money over the years.  You know I have no answer to that question but as history repeated itself I needed to understand why it was also done to me hence, reading books and writing this blog.  Another question on repeat is how she felt berated in private and yet heard her mom praise her to outsiders and she never could understand why.  There was an easier answer which I knew for a very long time.  Grandma’s way of life was based on the pretense that her life was just dandy, when it was any and everything but.  I explained to mom that the Church was the absolute most important thing to her and so Grandma had to make people believe that she followed all the guidelines that were set forth by the bible.  I highly doubt that she did but that’s between her and God.  Grandma’s priorities were Church first, God second and family last.  And that depended on the family because some of us didn’t even make that cut.  Mom stated many years ago that I hated her (my grandma) but that wasn’t true.  I had just stopped caring after a time one way or the other because it wasn’t returned.

One of my biggest issues with this family growing up is the secrets and lies that were lived.  No one wanted to talk about anything openly and I just couldn’t figure out why as a kid.  What I did do was live my life the opposite and let everything hang out.  I was and am so tired of secrets, pretense, tension, control, manipulation, apathy and most importantly the lack of real love and affection between many of the members.  It’s why I looked for a family that wasn’t blood and can see the effects of the damage that had started way before I was born.  I could see it in mom’s expressions in the old photos as well as dads.  But knowing about their past hurts didn’t help me help them.  I didn’t know how and I still don’t although I am trying.

Mom always said that she was outspoken and it was a problem for Grandma.  I have found that mom is out spoken when it is one on one and she is talking about another person but she has never been able to tell the person directly what her real issues are with them.  Even if it was just to get it off her chest.  I do tell the people I have cared about the real issues in an effort to find a solution, compromise or at the very least give them an opening to talk to me about what they are really feeling.  While I have learned that even that approach has rarely worked because people have a hard time being honest with themselves much less others, in this world opening up means that you have to be willing to be vulnerable.  It means taking the chance to clear the air even if you get burned and I can tell you I have been burned many times.  I still try when it is necessary because I want to have close connections to the ones I love.  I guess that’s why when the girl who called herself my best friend revealed her true self just when all this started happening, made me see that this wasn’t a connection that I wanted in life and the hurt was something else I would have to deal with at a later date.  But back to mom I found some of the letters I had written to both her and grandma.  She told me to burn them.  I told her that even if I was wrong writing or saying those things it was still real.  I had already written about them in this blog and am not ashamed of what I said.  I am saddened that I had to say them.

The same repeat question goes for Billy but she flat out stated that he just doesn’t care about me.  I agreed but will tell each of you this.  Billy actually responded to my message on Thursday the 12^th stating he was coming to talk to mom on Friday.  Mom had said he was coming but I wasn’t going to believe it until he actually showed up.  I was shocked that he sent the message.  So Friday came and poor Walter had to go back to the vet to get the stitches removed early in the morning and I was trying to give mom enough time to get steady, aware and stable.  I also wanted to get some stuff done before he arrived to our humble abode.  I had planned on running errands while he was here but the vet hadn’t called to give me a time frame as to when I could pick up Walter.

Billy arrived about 1:00 pm and sat to listen to mom.  She repeated a lot of what was covered with a few extra’s that she had written down.  One thing was the possibility of selling grandma’s house to the neighbors that were granddad’s nephew and wife.  I just have a hard time thinking about it being sold at all or sitting empty but selling it to them for a loss is the best compromise.  It would still be kept in the family and that means more to me than the money.  Granddad built that house with his own hands and I do have a few good memories there.  It needs an awful lot of work on the foundation, well and septic systems.  He asked very few questions and I gave him Linda’s house key in case they had been rekeyed.  Throughout his short visit he looked terribly uncomfortable and like he’d rather be any other place on earth but here.  So much so that even my roommate commented on it and she had never even met him before that day.  Before I left at 2:30 he asked me only one question which was about mom’s final arrangements.  That’s it.  I was told he left shortly after I did but before I left him I said, “Until the next time.”  At least he came to see her before she ran out of time.  She could now feel like she has passed the burdens off to both of us and maybe let a few of those worries go?

Mom’s visit with Billy wore her out and she slept longer that night than she had since she has been here.  She has said several times that this house had changed so much that it was easier to be here than she thought.  The memories of Trey will always be deeply painful to think about much less feel.  And for some odd reason mom had thought I had hocked all my jewelry over the years.  I don’t know why other than shortly before Trey died, I had bought a very nice bracelet and matching earrings.  I only wore the earrings once and the reason I bought them when I am not a big jewelry person was… I wanted to have something nice to be able to leave Trey for when and if he ever got married.  He could give it to his wife.  I had to sell those pieces when I first moved in with dad because I had spent the rest on this house for dad. Mom was still saddened and angry that Billy had lost grandma’s wedding set.  She was hoping that he would have given them to his daughter.  But anyway I broke out all the jewelry and showed it to mom so she could see that I still had it all.  Many of the pieces she had given me when I was much younger and the only real value was sentimental.  We also looked through the little she had left and was surprised that several pieces were missing like her class ring and dad’s wedding band.  And I never found mom’s small handgun that she had kept for years.  She said she didn’t want to talk about when I was packing her things.  Mom also asked about jars of quarters the were in a hope chest.  There were no jars.  When I told her she said that they must of been stolen along with several other things.

As for Linda the helper, I still received numerous text messages from her until today and she seems to be digging into the financial matters hard and heavy while telling me that I need to do this or that and to watch out for Billy and Tiffany.  I asked her to please just stop then thought about it for a minute and blocked her number as well as on FB.  I am not interested in that or dealing with her when she seems far more interested in money.  She texted like she was instrumental in getting mom and me back together but that is not the case.  It either was going to happen on our terms or it wasn’t going to happen.  She also brought up something about a medical bill that was over due about her shoulder and claimed she was the only one there for mom while leaving family functions.  Then asked where was I?  In the previous post I stated that she came by to get clothes but cleaned out moms closet and searched the house for anything else that she wanted but most of it was already long gone by that point. While I was watching this I told her the clothes were okay but nothing else from the house was to be touched and made sure she gave me her key back.  I hope she doesn't have a copy.  Mom was informed of most of the above text but I can honestly say she cared even less than I did.  We are both tired and need a break from opportunistic people.

As moms world becomes smaller and tighter as she is confined to the bed and the potty, her main focus is just trying to survive and breathe.  One of the nurses explained it to me as we were talking about the differences between dad’s lung cancer and mom’s COPD outside the house one afternoon.  Dad’s was acute which meant that he maintained for a while, then when his body just couldn’t maintain any longer he slid downhill so fast and then he was gone.  Mom’s is chronic and her decline will be gradual until she hits the point where she can’t hold on any longer.  She isn’t interested in much these days.  She doesn’t want to watch TV, she doesn’t even wear her glasses to read because she thinks she needs something called Yag surgery for her eye.  I’ve offered to set her in the chair walker and push her to see the rest of the house and the answer is always not today.  It’s breaking my heart to see this once strong, crazy ass woman so weak and fragile.  I am still trying to process that the last of my immediate family is not going to be here for much longer and then it will be just me. 

I have always loved mom even though our relationship has been a struggle my whole life.  If I hadn’t loved her, I would have walked away when I was 16 and never looked back.  I struggled with it even when we were not speaking because I had always had hope that one day she could let go of the control and the hurts that were caused by the family before I was born to focus on the here and now.  It is a lesson to many that if you are focused on the past, not to heal the old wounds but to relive them over and over, that you will miss what is present and right in front of you the whole time.  Life goes on whether you participate or not.  It’s the little things that can build better memories if you let them.  In the end it’s all we can take with us when we leave this world.  Mom has told me a few times now that she should have done this sooner not just to make it easier on us both, but because we could have had more quality time together.  She’s not wrong and maybe, just maybe this is one lesson that she can say she learned whenever she crosses over. 

Peace, love and happiness… or not.

Hurricanes of Life

Today is 9/4/19 and we have entered another hurricane season with the latest one named Dorian that is hitting Florida and projected to continue up the North Carolina coast.  It’s fitting that the weather seems to be a metaphor for the things that are happening in my life at the moment.  The bright side is that like a hurricane, once it blows through then we can step back and access the damage and hopefully move on.  I guess it depends on the damage.

The last two weeks have been an adjustment to the multitude of changes and then trying to digest the ones to come.  I’ve stated several times in this blog that the moment I’ve dreaded all my life for reasons to be described later in this post has arrived.  This weekend is my third one at my mom’s and I am packing her up to move back into the house with me while trying to transfer her hospice care between states.  To say I am unprepared would be the understatement of the century. 

I mean, I did understand that she was in hospice and knew exactly what it meant even if I didn’t have a clear time line.  I knew she was struggling to find people to come help her and I even knew why.  Mom can be a very demanding person and during this stage of her life all the filters are off.  Combined with everything else the fact that her step brother is as removed from the situation as he can possibly be so there would be no relief from that direction, much less getting him to answer the barest of questions.  It was only a matter of time. 

On the previous Thursday I had taken my foster dog to the vet for his final surgery to have his tail amputated which would allow him to be off his medical hold once he had completely healed.  I can’t say Walter is an easy dog to deal with even on a good day because he was not treated well in his previous life before rescue but I have worked very hard to gain his trust over the last 5 months and he has come a very long way.  So as I left work on my lunch break to pick him up from the vet and was trying to figure out how to get him in the house with as little stress on him as possible, I got the phone call from mom I had been waiting for right as I pulled into the driveway.

There had been several text messages earlier in the day, from her current helper, about the things that were going on in Chester which needed to be addressed.  Linda had a definite opinion that Tiffany and I should have already applied for FMLA and came to Chester to care for mom among other things.  She did not understand the scope or magnitude of this endeavor nor the reasons why things were as they were.  I mean how could she understand when we didn’t know each other and she had only heard mom’s side of the story where I am sure there were gaping holes along with a lot of questionable decisions.  Linda had texted me about her conversation with mom that day and said she was advocating for me in regards to mom’s will and POA, although I didn’t ask her to. So as I got a board from dad’s shop to make a bridge from the car to the porch to make it easy for Walter to get in the house, I answered the phone call from mom.

I asked her what was going on so she could tell me in her own words and when that didn’t quite cover the elephant in the room because she only asked that I take off Thursday and Friday in addition to my normal Tuesday and Wednesday, I hesitated.  Walter had decided that he was going to follow the trail of treats and move along the bridge towards the house at this time.  Once he was inside, I told mom that it was clear that things were at a critical point and that it was time to make a decision.  That decision was if she needed and/or wanted more help from me that it would be best for all parties involved for her to come home.  She agreed.  So as I am driving back to work I am trying to process all that is happening and all that needs to be done in a short period of time. And after returning to work and finding that most of the work was taken care of, I made a call to Tiffany and was told that she just got off the phone with mom herself.  She also agreed it was best for mom to move back in with me although I must state for the record, it was easier for her to agree because she wouldn’t be the one who had to take care of things even if she did hold the POA at that moment in time.

And before I continue the timeline of events I will address the reason I’ve dreaded this moment my entire life.  I’ve felt that my mom has had this expectation of being cared for in the manner she desires for most of my life.  It was not something I ever felt with dad and for some reason that made it easier to do just that for him in his final days.  I knew that mom’s lack of making any meaningful decisions would entail a lot of scrambling at the last minute to get things in order and it is happening just as I imagined.  I am not surprised, angry or even resentful.  I’m just resigned to the fact that I can’t let mom die alone and that it has been made as difficult as possible to handle everything at once.

I also have a rather large issue of being lied to and used.  It has seemed to me like mom has been playing a game most of my adult life and I don’t know the rules but to be honest, even if I did, I probably wouldn’t have followed them.  The rules were for her benefit and rarely others.  There was always a lot of talking and questions but very little real honest answers or meaningful actions.  Sometimes mom could be incredibly kind but I learned that for every kindness there were strings attached.  I will elaborate on this later but for now I want to get the timeline of events down for a few reasons.

So as I got home from work that evening I told my roommate and her son, detailed what I could about the situation, informed them that her son was going to have to deal with his own cats because I would also be bringing mom’s cat with us and that he will need to be out of the house by the end of the year.  He was slated to leave by the end of Sept. but I extended his stay for his mom while I was traveling back and forth to Chester.  The next day was Friday and I had to call and start the transfer between hospices, make arrangements to be off work for the two extra days and start the move.  All the while I was getting sick with a cold someone was nice enough to share.

After many phone calls and shuffling things around at home and work, on the Monday before leaving for Chester I tried to savor the last quiet night I would have for a long time.  But it was hard because I knew what lay ahead and just the thought of how much work needed to be done in such a short time was overwhelming, even for me who is used to working long hours.  On Tuesday, I arrived early enough to get a jump on things and started going through moms things to see what she would need because we could and would only be taking the barest of necessities.  This went on through Thursday morning in between taking care of her.  The pump for the well had stated to run continuously and was churning up mud through the faucets.  She called her plumber and he changed the filter which would give us enough time to get her out of the house.

Mom had gone downhill so fast at that point that she needed help with the smallest of task.  A few people came to tell her goodbye and she gifted them with a few things she knew she would never use again.  The cars were packed and stacked with everything that was important to her and me such as pictures and mementos with a little left to be gotten on the last return trip.  Linda came by and helped me get her oxygen right as there were 3 different tanks to be juggled and we got her to the car.  I was pushing mom physically and mentally and could see that it was so very hard for her.  The ride took about an hour and a half and she was pretty quiet while she just looked at the scenery, such as it was, on the way home.

I had asked my roommate’s son to move the dining table, grab a small table from dad’s shop and take care of the delivery people who would be bringing the hospice bed and other equipment to be set up before we got home on Thursday.  It took a while to get her out of the truck, stuff unloaded and set up for the night.  I had ordered some plastic shelves, quilts to go over the back of them to give mom some privacy and some sheets for the bed.  None of it worked so I had to go to Walmart to get the extra long sheets on Friday morning and would have to return the other stuff later.

Then the hospice admissions nurse Brenda came on Friday and we got some of the admissions out of the way, more supplies ordered and more of her stuff set up.  It was time for mom to have a bath because I was getting the clean new sheets on her bed and who knows when the last time was she felt water on her skin.  I know she refused the baths with the aide when she came but I wasn’t taking no for an answer.  Her skin was flaking off and although she was trying to keep herself clean with wet rags I know it wasn’t doing the job.  So off we went stumbling to the tub and that took about an hour and a half.  She was worn slap out after all this. 

I had to work the next 3 days and Saturday evening I had finished most of the paperwork with both of our new POA’s and wills.  Reading became difficult with the words blurring and after a 12 hour day on Sunday, I was so exhausted I couldn’t even think about the next big undertaking I had to do on Tuesday.  My dear cousin came over on Monday night and helped me get all the paperwork done while she visited with mom.  My cousin asked me a question I have rarely been asked during my life from a family member and that was, “How can I help.”  While there was little she could have done at that moment, it meant the world to me that she would ask.  Also all during this time I was relying on my dear roommate to help mom and the dogs the best she could and she did a stand up job being as she is 70 years old with her own health problems.  I couldn’t have done it without her.

Tuesday, I left for Chester early at 6:00 am with my roommates son so he could drive her car home, cleaned out the fridge and freezers, packed the rest of the stuff, unhooked all the internet, tv equipment and scheduled the pickup of the hospice equipment.  Then I left for the courthouse to file the first of the paperwork and to drop off the POA’s at the bank, came back to the house to get a tank for hospice, let Linda pick up some clothes but she ended up cleaning out moms closet while searching throughout the house for anything else she could take and leave some stuff the neighbors would need to send mom’s mail.  Then on the drive home I had to get Walters meds, stop by the other credit union and wanted to finish one more errand before going to work to talk to the managers but traffic was so bad I just skipped it.  During the drive home I had time to think and evaluate this situation and I came to the conclusion that I had to go ahead and start the FMLA immediately because I wouldn’t be able to get a handle on all of this while trying to work too.  It was just too much, even for me. My roommate was exhausted, the dogs where all out of sorts with all the changes and the house started to look like an episode of hoarders with all the stuff piled up everywhere.

I made it home at 3:00 pm just as the nurse was knocking at the door.  Her name was Heather and she spent a good quality hour and a half with mom and me.  She answered all the questions my brain could think of at the time and I felt that the care given was so much better than what she was receiving in SC.  After getting up at 4:00 am that day I crashed about 10:00 pm.  Wednesday through Saturday was a blur of taking care of mom’s needs, getting her meds under control and understood as well as so many different people coming and going from the social worker, the Chaplin, nurses and aides.  Then I had to go through the mountain of paperwork that was piled around my desk.  So many things needed to be closed out by long distance and I was relying on her other neighbors who are also family on my Granddad’s side to help with what was left.  I’ll be forever grateful to them for that and the kindness they showed mom.

The paperwork for the FMLA is not really that difficult but most of it needed to be filled out by the hospice Doctor and then sent to the HR department at work.  One stipulation is that I must call work every day until the paper work is processed because I clearly don’t have enough to do already.  While it may be sudden the key people who needed to know, knew from the beginning that this was going to happen sooner or later.  It just happened sooner than we imagined.  One of the managers went above and beyond to help me get this together and again I will be forever grateful for her help.  At this time the plan is to take about a month of FMLA time to access the situation, try to stabilize mom’s health and wrap up as much of her stuff as I can in between.  I hope to return after a month and then have work on stand-by as her condition progresses to the point where I have time to be with her in the end.  We shall see.

As for mom’s needs, she has to pee a lot and was having trouble pooping so we were up and down with her all the time.  She would sit on the bedside potty for as long as an hour at a time.  Her morphine needs to be given every 2 hours to help open her lungs and the Xanax every 6 hours to help with the shakes and anxiety along with steroids, stool softeners and her hormones which she still wanted to take.  We were trying to get her to eat and find something that she could and would get down.  Her memory wasn’t doing well and hadn’t been for a while now that I’ve had time to look at her notes that were written over and over again.  The next post will detail more about that and the emotional roller coaster we both have been riding for some time.

But for now I will leave you with a little plea for anyone who has not started or completed making arrangements for those final days that sometime come sooner rather than later.  If you have read this post, then you know not only how hard it will be for you, but how hard it will be for the ones you love or want to care for you, so please start making these decisions as early as possible.  I understand that it may be difficult to face your own mortality or even the overwhelming amount of work but I can promise you that it will be worth it in the end for everyone that loves you. 

Emotional Roller Coaster

PUP of 2013 Another Breaking Point

Hello everyone! I want to thank each and every one of you who have taken the time to read through my blog.  With all the darkness, mistakes and my just trying to work out real life situations in my own head and heart.  I do hope that if you've read from the first, you can tell that I am getting better at writing clearer, explaining the events with a better understanding and recognize as I learn more about myself and relationships.  Practice really does make all the difference in the world.  I do have to go back and revisit the past when more information becomes available because I want to find the truth of the matter and if I'm wrong I will tell you and my real life friends will tell me I am wrong.  However I don't bother with telling people I'm right because not only is there no point in it, I am still learning and know my thoughts and opinions can change in an instant depending on the facts that are uncovered as I go along this journey. 

This previously unpublished post (PUP) was started just after Mother's Day 2013 and left in rough draft form but can't be published for a long while.  The reasons will be clear toward the end so bare with me once again... if you would.  As for Mother's Day it was another hard day to get through as you may have guessed and I thought I was doing fine until a friend of mine gave me a hug the day before and said they understood.  Then I kind of teared up but quickly got my thoughts back to the present while remembering some of the good times with Trey.  Like the year he gave me and mom a used Valentine's kiddie card for Mother's Day or another year a little key chain from the Dollar Store that said Greatest Mom In The World... which as you know, I feel so far from that... but it still means so very much to me that he gave it to me along with a big hug. Those hugs will always be what I miss the most.  I still have a hard time writing about Trey and all the feelings that come at random moments whether they are good or sad so more on that in another post.

For this one I want to finish the stories I have written about with the various people in my life because it's time I put some of these feelings to bed and move on to more important ones in the coming future.  So to catch up I'll start with my mother.  When I wrote this post I was trying to be light hearted about the whole thing but after our beach trip in September 2012, things got deep and even more difficult.  I was so very tired of her asking me what I would have done if I had to raise Trey on my own because she didn't like the same answer I usually gave her.  The answer was I would have done whatever it took to do it but it would have been better for us all if you would have helped instead of just keeping him.  I told her that it was her way of not having to make a decision about her own life while trying to hold on to that control that was her ever present problem.  That started a fight while we were there and it continued after we got home.  So I sat down and wrote her a letter in clear terms but she stated that she didn't understand.  I think she understood perfectly but didn't like what I said. 

So let's start off with the fact that mom doesn't breathe too well with all her conditions.  I tried to get her to rent one of those scooter that would allow her to move freely but she would not even consider the idea.  I didn't understand why I paid for a hotel at the beach if she just wanted to see me then we could have rented a cheaper one at the halfway point between our homes and I wouldn't have wasted so much money or time.  In fact she still believes that this was the sole problem I had but it was just one more example of how she has given up taking responsibility for her self and actions.  So here is the conversation written through FB so I could have a record and my words couldn't be changed or forgotten:

Mom: I apology about the beach trip, I'm just not able to go very much because of the breathing problem, but I did enjoy the time together.

Me: It's okay...really.

Mom: I don't really think so. You made it quite clear that you didn't want to go anywhere with me since I couldn't do some of the things you wanted to do.  

Me:  Mom it is really simple. You have to know AND work around your limitations which is something you're not willing to do. I can't help that but I can make a decision to not be in that situation again.

So it is okay, either way... really.

A few weeks later when I was telling my mother by phone about the situation with my roommate Scott and that I was going to start the process of moving out of there into an RV, the first thing she said was "I want all the money you have of mine in your savings."  I asked her was that all she could think about because I really needed to talk with someone who cared about what was going on.  Which was my mistake because that person is not ever going to be my mother.  I told her that I was tired of looking to her for any help whether it be emotional support or giving me a place to stay for a few months until I got my stuff together or even to come stay with me while I was in my own home. She stated that she was living in my grandmothers home and that my grandmother had said no about me staying there.  Whether she asked or not is still a question but it isn't important because she made it clear that she would not help me in any way any longer.  She was fine and that's what was important to her.  I was hurt but it was my own damn fault for even asking because I knew the answer would be... you are on your own because that's the only answer she has ever had for me.  So to resume the written conversation:

Me:  I will transfer the money in your account by the end of the week... good luck!

PS I will also go handle my part of Trey's bonds and will send you the rest of the info so you can do it on your own time...

Mom, despite what you may think, I've been semi listening to you for years. I've been waiting for you to figure out some things on your own but it doesn't seem like that's happening. Instead you are still telling yourself and others what you want to hear, see or feel but in reality it is far from the truth. I learned a long time ago that truth is not only subjective to each individual person but I also saw that there IS an objective truth that is or can be seen from several others, based on real facts or evidence. In others words what is true for you is not true for everyone... most especially me. I also noticed that you have a very selective memory when it come to the past where I'm concerned. I'm not talking about just forgetting a bit here and there I mean you've rewrote the past instead of learning from it.

I don't know how else to say this except to just lay it all out. I've learned to tune out the words that people say and watch their actions. Over the years though I've noticed that you asked the question "What about me?" over and over again, no matter what the conversations are about. In fact as far back as I can remember that has been your number one concern... yourself. My growing up years were all about what you wanted, needed, thought, believed or cared about. I learned early that what I needed was never really going to be important to you because your were unable or unwilling to care about another persons well being in the manner that was needed. Now this is not to say that you didn't DO anything because you did cherry pick what you would do... even if it was not what was needed and that in the end was just a waste of effort in my opinion.

As far as you and dad go I understood that it took two people to play the game and you were 50% responsible for your actions or in this case inactions to do anything different. And I want to be clear here... I have failed more in my life time that you but only by default, because I tried to do more things in and with my life than you. Just the law of averages. As I have said recently we all make choices and even refusing to make a decision is a choice in and of itself. I've suspected for a very long time now that your past decisions haunt you and you are looking for absolution from me about the past so you can continue believing that we are best friends. What hasn't occurred to you very often over the years was I don't want you as a best friend but I had needed you as my mother which you choose to be unavailable at those times.

As for your keeping Trey to raise for yourself in that miserable house you called home... what you can't see is that there was better options that would have benefited all of us if you were just willing to consider them... AT THAT TIME. Now is much too late for the constant what if's that you seem to be stuck on. I can tell you that I was not only mad as hell at you but I was sick of your constant manipulations, guilt tripping and never ending complaints on everything that I have tried to limit my contact with you severely because it drained me of energy. But the guilt I carried everyday leaving Trey with you without fighting will be with me to the day I take my last breath. I don't care what you think I could or couldn't have done back then because the real problem you face is what would you have done with your life then. And you apparently have no answers.

I've also suspected over the years that you were jealous of my freedom that I earned and have watched as you insert yourself into my friends lives trying to be their friend too... or maybe you were jealous of the friendships I was trying to have. I don't know but what I can say is this... my life was hard and it took a lot of effort on my part to maintain it. There were times when I was alone, desperate and hurting that I never shared with you. I also learned not to share anything that I thought was good and right with you until it was over so that you could not do anything to derail whatever it was. I know that may hurt and I also know that you have changed a little over the years but I still didn't trust you because I have seen with my own two eyes that I couldn't trust someone who was so clearly lost as you were... and maybe still are.

I think you already know most of this even if you won't admit it to yourself because you feel the distance between us. It's why you felt like you had to keep Trey, it's why you felt the need to control so many things that were not your business to control. It was simply a way of trying to keep me close to you without having to take a good long look at your own life and make the necessary changes that would have been... could have been for the better of us all. I meant what I said about researching what was wrong with myself and I suggest you do the same. I learned a lot about family dynamics and so many other useful things when it comes to piecing together what is the point of existence. The one thing I did do right was keep on trying to be a better person and build a better life. I grew up a long time ago because I had to but I also understand that you must take a chance on life sometimes even if you fail you can gain knowledge and wisdom for the next attempt. But knowledge without actions is useless and you don't seem to really understand this to the very core.

One last thing... please understand that even if I'm wrong on a few details I've understood much of the things I've stated here for a very long time and even made peace with it. Until Trey died then it all came back in a rush because then there was no more time to make things right on any of our parts. I had to go through the whole process of forgiveness again but now there is no point in pretending that things have or even will be rosy between us again... even if I do make you laugh. That is simply a defense mechanism that I use to keep you from sucking me into your misery. I know that's harsh and I am sorry I can't be any softer but it is still the truth. Plain and simple.

The bottom line is you need me far more than I need you because this has always been a one sided relationship despite me going along with your pretense all these years. I accepted a long time ago even before Trey was killed that I would probably be on my own for the rest of my life with only the support of the few friends that I could make along the way. I didn't want to be a burden to him and would have never saddled him with that responsibility because I wanted him to be happy. Well as much as possible. In fact his happiness was the number one thing that was important to me whether you believe that or not. It was one of the reasons I gave him the chance to make his own decisions, even if they broke my heart. It was something I looked for from you without ever receiving so much as an encouraging word.

So here we are in present day and I'm dealing with what to do about my future. Again you don't have this problem because you had a mother who was able to let you come live with her rent free and so all your problems have been solved... again with little effort on your part. I mean I did make the decision and the effort to get you out of dad's so what was there for you to do? As for me I'm still tired and exhausted from life but I have to find the effort from within to do what needs to be done because it's the only choice I have. Life goes on... The whole point of this is not to hurt your feelings, although I'm sure they may be hurt, but it was to get you to understand that I'm tired of answering the same questions over and over again and it's time to focus on now. Right now. You need to start to plan for your final resting place but still refuse to do anything about that. If you can't care any more about things like this or even yourself then please stop expecting me too. It is and will always be your choice.

Mom:  Thanks-I'm not quite sure what you think I can do. This not my house. I have no answer for you. About Trey's bonds we both have to go together. What about the money market acct? You seem to get pissed when you can't have your way. I have loaned you money in the past. (Only because I showed her my money was tied up in a CD and would be repaid as soon as it matured.)  When you first bought the condo you went in the saving acct. with out telling me. (I did and was trying to repay the money before she found out.  It was wrong of me and I was ashamed of myself.) I only said to pay me back. I sure you did some of the money but that's neither here nor there. (I repaid every dime because she always kept a running tab and never let me forget it... as if I would.) I also loaned you money before you let the condo go back. (No she did not, my dad did and was repaid completely)  So don't say I never helped you. By the way your Dad and I bought your first car. What do you expect from me. If your grandmother had not let me stay here with her where the hell do you think I was going to stay. I have no answers for you because I have no answer for myself, so don't you sit and make judgements about me. As far as I'm concerned you can cremate me.  I have no answers for you. I believe you still have guilt feelings about not raising Trey. If you want to part ways, that is your decision. I would appreciate it if you would give me my part of the money. That is all I have. I sorry you feel that way, but that is your decision.

Me:  As usual you miss the point(s)... but that okay. I know you can do nothing because that's the way it's been for a very long time. I am not pissed because I can't have my way... for that is nothing new... I'm just done trying to make you see and understand something that is impossible for you to get. REREAD the entire thing because it addresses ALL your comments completely.
As for the money I will transfer as much as I can (all of hers plus any extra left over from Trey's lawsuit) back into your saving account by the end of the week. I will go to the bank and see what I can do on my own about Trey's bonds and hopefully I can take care of my part first. (Signing the bonds over to her) Then send you the rest with a notarized letter of consent and other relevant documents. If not I'll let you know.

Mom:  I would greatly appreciate it if you would put in to simply language what you have wrote me. Some of it I do not quite understand. Thanks

I not quite sure how much money I'm entitled to but That is the one thing I have never not trusted you with my money. Thanks!

Will-I'm not exactly sure the way the sentence is worded if you trust me with your money or not but I have never ever spent any of your money that you gave to me for Trey's big ticket items except on him. (Was never a issue... so I thought)  I'm very sorry if you thought I had ever spent any of your money on myself. We do not have a choice, but go to the bank together. I'm sorry the lady was very specific that we had to go together. I promise you I will not ever bother you again when we get this money situation straighten out. You told me you had put away twenty thousand from Trey's money. Is this true? I also want my money from the C/U. I want all the money from the bonds because I always added more money so he would have more money when his bonds matured.

Me:  Do you even read or hear what you are saying? Really??? What I see is your are worried about your money, your money and your money. The trust I was speaking about is NOT about money nor was is ever. It's about not trusting you to care about me in any way that is needed.
Since I have to tell you this then it will have no value because it should've been learned on your own... I am human and have made mistakes. I've taken responsibility for those mistakes and tried to fix them if at all possible. It's apparently too much too ask for, that you do the same and read where you'll not bother me again.

That clearly says to me that being right and getting your money is more important than any relationship we've ever had. You'll have 15k in your account by the end of the week. I can't promise you too much more than that at this time because I will be own my own and have a lot of expenses coming up. If I have some to spare I'll deposit more later... if not then you'll just have to make due with everything you got. I'll let you know about Trey's bonds later. Relax... you'll be fine.

BTW... I always wondered what it would be like to have a family that helped each other succeed in life instead of ignoring everything but our own needs. To be clear one more time I am not nor have I ever blamed you for my problems. I have asked for your help several times within the last few years not because I am a whinny brat who is looking to have her way... but because I really needed your help and would not have asked if I didn't.

It's the fact that you don't even try anymore that bothered me most but I can see it was my mistake in hoping that you would understand that basic fact. You have not even thought about how much it hurts and for years I kept hoping that you would see the damage you were doing... but it never happened. I'm sorry that I've hurt you by telling you the truth about how I feel and think. I'm just tired of any relationship based on lies or half truths and understand completely that there is no help for me here.
But I love you because you're my mom and I forgive you because you're human.

Mom:  Thank you for loving me. I cannot understand why you are blaming me for your decision to live with Scott.  (Not even close to what was expressed in the above exchange) That was your choice. I have no answer for you. It's a simple fact that I have no extra money except what I have saved in my savings acct. (She is on Social Security, Medicaid and Medicare and pays no rent at my grandmothers.  She also can ask grandma for anything she needs outside of this.)  You had told me you had 20,000 dollars for me from Trey's acct. (Lawsuit) Your words not mine. (I did tell her that at the beginning before I had to make other arrangements to live and work. And a lot of that money went into dad's house)  I have no other source of money other than what you said you had for me. I saved what I could when I could. Trey's bonds were bought by me (myself and my grandmother) and I expect to get all of the money because I bought them. (Again not all of them, but I was going to give them all to her anyway.)  I'm sorry I was not the mother you expected from me. You will have to explain what kind of mother you expected me to be. I'm sorry I was not the the mom you expected. But that is water under the bridge. You were certainly not the daughter I expected. I forgive you too. You don't have a book telling you how to raise children.

Me:  I know you don't understand mom and that's the whole problem in a nutshell. I can't explain it any better. When I told you about the 20k... things were different. Now things are all on my shoulders and I will truly be on my own, soon. You however will be FINE... you have a place to live, food to eat and plenty of insurance/medicade to handle your health.

You can have ALL the bonds and 15k ($8000 of her savings plus $7000 extra not including Trey's bonds) is all I have now to give you. So save the pitiful me routine about not having anything because you have everything you need and then some right now!!!!

Again it all about the money for YOU and that's why you can't see or understand anything I've been writing about. As usual you think I'm blaming you for everything except for what you actually have done or in this case haven't done. At this point in time I am done explaining things to you. If you don't get it then forget it... it doesn't matter now.

That was the end of the written exchange and my mother was paid every dime as well as the $2000.00 plus from Trey's bonds.  She has also stated several times that she didn't make me pay child support because she was trying to help me.  I told her that I didn't need a court to tell me to pay for my child and every time she needed money to ask for it.  She did all throughout Trey's life and was given whatever she needed for him.  She also had Trey's father paying support when ever he felt like paying for it that is.  Later when mom came down to Scott's house to confront me one more time about the money just before it was all transferred back to her account she said that she had my aunt read the letter I sent her and it didn't make sense to her either.  That's because my aunt had no knowledge of any other conversations that took place between us and it let me know that she was willing to show the family only what she wanted them to see.  Whether this is true or not I don't know but... Scott told me that my mother told him, she would have him transfer the money over to her (because we had a shared savings account then), behind my back if I didn't comply with the agreement.  Who knows who is telling the truth here because neither of them would know the truth if it came up and introduced itself formally.  

After the money was settled my mother still contacted me to tell me all about how wonderful her life was while not listening to much of what I had to say, which has been a normal practice with her.  In May of 2013 when my grandmother broke her hip, I went to see her at the rehabilitation hospital then went to see my mom for a moment.  She then once again brought up the whole conversation about what would I have done if I had to raise Trey alone and then told me that I hurt her feelings with the letter I wrote.  I explained that I have been reading numerous books about the Narcissistic Family and how it helped me to see more clearly what the problems were with myself, family and even Scott.  I encouraged her to read several books that would help her understand but that too is never going to happen.  She doesn't want to know how to fix anything, including herself.  I tried explaining the concepts to the best of my limited ability but the most important was about being there and helping when ever it was needed.  I told her that I was always there for her but never felt the same in return.         

A lot of other things had happened in the last few weeks of May 2013 like I found my next home on wheels and it had been delivered despite the uphill battle it took.  My roommate Scott has turned our relationship into an all out war because he still states one thing and then turns around and denies what has been said.  He still continues to talk to anyone who will listen to him and that too will never change.  But just before the RV was to be delivered he stated that if I park it here he will have it towed off and then fires me from my job as soon as he moves the business into the new building and lastly tells me I have 4 months to leave his house.  Why?  Because I won't feed him anymore... literally and figuratively.  I had stated several months earlier that I was going to start saving half my paycheck to pay for the pick up needed to pull the RV but he waits until I am fully committed then states once again that my paycheck for which I work for is all his money and I have no rights to it or any in his home??? Really?  Later I asked if would at least tell me when he paid the last check if it would be my last and he wouldn't even agree to do that. 

I lost it that night and went off on him like nobody's business which only made him happy.  I guess any emotion is better than none because for the longest time, I just ignored him and he can't stand that.  He has to be the center of the universe at all times so it bruised his ego.  Unfortunately I let my own self importance get in the way as well as giving him what he wanted... a reaction, instead of just letting it go.  I still have a long ways to go before I can get my emotions under control, but getting out of there was the first and biggest step.  Scott spent so much time looking for any small mistake I made and then would make the biggest deal out of it... because it's more important to punish those around him than to look at his failures.  That would take something that he just doesn't have inside of him... insight, honestly, knowledge and strength.  He stated for me to take the stainless steel cookware that he bought for me to cook his dinners in because he didn't want it.  At the time, I said I didn't want anything that belonged to him. but as I got closer to the time to move, I decided to go ahead and take it because I will use it and he will not.  So I'm sure you all will hear all about that because it is another small thing that is so very important to him.  There were only two more things that need to be resolved and I was waiting for his highness to make a decision on one and sign the title over to my truck and then I wouldn't have to deal with him any longer as I moved out of the prison that his house had become. 

The decision that I was waiting for him to make was about Lily.  One minute Scott stated that he bought Lily for me and the next he states that she belongs to him.  One minute he states that he doesn't want to break the dogs up and the next minute he is trying to use Lily to hurt me by keeping her.  Whatever!  I told him that if he ever got to the point that he couldn't care for her to contact me and I will come and pick her up because Gus and Lily are a bonded pair and belong together.  On Mother's Day 2013 he stated that I caught him in a weak moment??? after visiting his own mother's grave when he told me to go ahead and take her and later he stated that he would have to think about Lily going with me.  Never mind that it was a very hard day for me and then he called my own mother to wish her a Happy Mother's Day... he made the whole day very difficult for me and enjoyed every moment of it.  He stated he only left a message for my mother but again... who knows?  People like him make themselves feel better by making others miserable because that's the only way they have to feel good about themselves.         


A few weeks before all this came about I went home and made peace with my dad about the things that happened after Trey died.  I wanted to leave here with as much resolved as possible before I started my new life.  To see him after 4 years was a shock because the man staring back at me was so frail and looked like he was beat by life after the con man Donald Boyd Montgomery had cleaned him out and left the house in shambles and disrepair.  Dad had broken his hip a year or so ago and it was hard for him to get around so this once proud man that I knew as my dad was gone.  I then made the decision to use the last of my savings that mom was so eager the have to at least finish his bathroom so he could use it easily and then things turned for the worse at Scott's home causing me more grief but it was the push I needed to start packing up my stuff to move back in with my dad to help finish his house before I leave.  I felt it was the right thing to do for dad and it will take another year or so before I can finish my stuff before I leave.  But I can do it without being miserable and that's worth it to me at this point in my life. 

After working at dad for a while, cleaning up, I found out the damage that Don Montgomery did to his credit and his bank account.  It took weeks for me to piece together what had happened and when I finished collecting as much evidence as I could I wrote the FBI a letter detailing everything I knew and what I had.  I also copied the letter to the area sheriff's offices, made a police report as a formality and then all the credit reporting agencies.  I doubt that any of the agencies can or will do very much about this man but my aim was to make it very difficult for Don to come back around once I am gone, because you know men like him never go away when they have found a good mark.  Here is a copy of the letter sent with all the details that are available at this time.  If you or someone you know is in contact with him then please warn them of the dangers and contact your local authorities if you don't want them to be the next victim.  This is the reason this post was delayed because I needed time to get all the necessary paperwork handled before Don found out and retaliated, which he will.  There is no doubt about it. 

I contacted my mother again and told her of my decision to see and help dad and she was surprisingly okay with it.  I told them both that I would not be talking about them to the others and would not listen to any more blame... no matter who was at fault.  I told her about Don having my dad sign a POA and a Will leaving him as sole heir to the property and that if it was indeed her intention to leave the sale of the place to me then I would need to have her sign a will stating that.  It's not that I even want the property because I don't... I simply do not want Don the con to benefit from his schemes.  Later after Scott dropped those last few bomb shells once again that spurred my decision to leave his home as soon as humanly possible I decided to see if mom had really listened to what I have said.  I asked her for a loan ($2000) to pay the man helping me finish dad's house so I could move in sooner rather than later.  She said no of course because she was done helping me out and besides her money was tied up in a CD.  She also stated that I should have been more careful with the way I spent the rest of my savings and that I was just going to have to be mad at her.  I was not mad... I was done... completely.  She can tell the family that it is once again all about the money but I was never about that at all.  There was no point in my looking to my mother to care about anything and it was the hardest decision to cut off contact with her but it is one that was done for my own benefit.  I thought about writing a letter to my grandmother but decided not to because in the end... it just didn't matter.  I am now free of there limitations and no matter what happens from this point on, I can say I did everything in my power to repair the relationships but failed due to the unwillingness of them.  

Lastly on the day before Mother's Day 2013, I got an email from Marvelous!  Could the universe test me any harder at that time?  He said and I quote... " I "steel" love you no matter what has happened.  Please call me just to talk and here is my phone number.  Please just call."  The next email said " Why won't you talk to me?"  Personally I thought the answer was obvious but with him not admitting anything he has ever done wrong, it never occurred to him he was the next to the last man on earth I ever wanted to see again.  Before I blocked his email, I stated, " Marvelous?  You don't love me, you must be in some trouble.  Who knows and who cares?  I don't love you so please do not contact me ever again.  I will also block you from sending me any more emails, since you can't respect my wishes.  BTW, I am leaving the state very soon so Good Bye!"  Later while thinking about it I had the vision of some girl throwing all his stuff out the door one more time and seeing him homeless because he got caught lying and cheating again.  I couldn't help but start laughing so hard, my stomach ached.  

Unfortunately I had to tell Scott about this because Marvelous knows his trucks and will chase him down to ask questions and if he is looking for me, I felt sure that would be a natural opportunity for him to find out.  Scott assured me that he would not throw me under the bus... but we shall see.  The one thing I have not been truthful with anyone when they ask is, where I am going when I leave here?  I have told them a destination picked at random and it was the same location given when I am asked where I go to meet the new group of people I have been meeting with.  It is not the location or the destination and that is something I have and will keep to myself so, I'm sorry if any of you have heard the lie based on that alone.  When I do leave here I have no immediate plans other than to go where the new group of people are for a while but may not be in one location for very long so I can't tell you even if I did know.  That is the beauty of RVing... you can go anywhere, anytime and I only have to consult with myself.

Reading through this post in 2019 as I have has made me see that I was still very angry and hadn't had a chance to work through as much as I wanted or to practice some of the things I've learned.  It also refreshed my memories about how many things will happen at once and it's like a juggling act and I felt like a mime.  I also understand that I too sound needy or greedy at times when I am asking for help.  I hate that because it makes me feel like I am more my mother than I ever wanted to be.  It doesn't take in to account that I had a good job that I hated after a while like most people, kept my home for 12 years to the day, paid for my own cars, upkeep on both, sent mom money whenever she needed it and most of all spent money on Trey directly.  It's one of the biggest reasons I hate asking for help because my independence feels threatened and I feel like I am less of a person when I do, even without being made to feel that way from my family.

Clearly mom and I kept in contact over the years even if it was very few and far between at first.  This post will be the basis for working out some of the last of my issues with her as she is now also in her final days...  But the parallels of this time in 2013 with upheavals starting from a once trusted friend, to being ignored by mom and yet embraced by dad while making a lot of changes at one time is something I am facing once again.  Boy how things change without ever really changing.                 



      

  


















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