Hello everyone! I want to thank each and every one of you who have taken the time to read through my blog. With all the darkness, mistakes and my just trying to work out real life situations in my own head and heart. I do hope that if you've read from the first, you can tell that I am getting better at writing clearer, explaining the events with a better understanding and recognize as I learn more about myself and relationships. Practice really does make all the difference in the world. I do have to go back and revisit the past when more information becomes available because I want to find the truth of the matter and if I'm wrong I will tell you and my real life friends will tell me I am wrong. However I don't bother with telling people I'm right because not only is there no point in it, I am still learning and know my thoughts and opinions can change in an instant depending on the facts that are uncovered as I go along this journey.
This previously unpublished post (PUP) was started just after Mother's Day 2013 and left in rough draft form but can't be published for a long while. The reasons will be clear toward the end so bare with me once again... if you would. As for Mother's Day it was another hard day to get through as you may have guessed and I thought I was doing fine until a friend of mine gave me a hug the day before and said they understood. Then I kind of teared up but quickly got my thoughts back to the present while remembering some of the good times with Trey. Like the year he gave me and mom a used Valentine's kiddie card for Mother's Day or another year a little key chain from the Dollar Store that said Greatest Mom In The World... which as you know, I feel so far from that... but it still means so very much to me that he gave it to me along with a big hug. Those hugs will always be what I miss the most. I still have a hard time writing about Trey and all the feelings that come at random moments whether they are good or sad so more on that in another post.
For this one I want to finish the stories I have written about with the various people in my life because it's time I put some of these feelings to bed and move on to more important ones in the coming future. So to catch up I'll start with my mother. When I wrote this post I was trying to be light hearted about the whole thing but after our beach trip in September 2012, things got deep and even more difficult. I was so very tired of her asking me what I would have done if I had to raise Trey on my own because she didn't like the same answer I usually gave her. The answer was I would have done whatever it took to do it but it would have been better for us all if you would have helped instead of just keeping him. I told her that it was her way of not having to make a decision about her own life while trying to hold on to that control that was her ever present problem. That started a fight while we were there and it continued after we got home. So I sat down and wrote her a letter in clear terms but she stated that she didn't understand. I think she understood perfectly but didn't like what I said.
So let's start off with the fact that mom doesn't breathe too well with all her conditions. I tried to get her to rent one of those scooter that would allow her to move freely but she would not even consider the idea. I didn't understand why I paid for a hotel at the beach if she just wanted to see me then we could have rented a cheaper one at the halfway point between our homes and I wouldn't have wasted so much money or time. In fact she still believes that this was the sole problem I had but it was just one more example of how she has given up taking responsibility for her self and actions. So here is the conversation written through FB so I could have a record and my words couldn't be changed or forgotten:
Mom: I apology about the beach trip, I'm just not able to go very much because of the breathing problem, but I did enjoy the time together.
Me: It's okay...really.
Mom: I don't really think so. You made it quite clear that you didn't want to go anywhere with me since I couldn't do some of the things you wanted to do.
Me: Mom it is really simple. You have to know AND work around your limitations which is something you're not willing to do. I can't help that but I can make a decision to not be in that situation again.
I lost it that night and went off on him like nobody's business which only made him happy. I guess any emotion is better than none because for the longest time, I just ignored him and he can't stand that. He has to be the center of the universe at all times so it bruised his ego. Unfortunately I let my own self importance get in the way as well as giving him what he wanted... a reaction, instead of just letting it go. I still have a long ways to go before I can get my emotions under control, but getting out of there was the first and biggest step. Scott spent so much time looking for any small mistake I made and then would make the biggest deal out of it... because it's more important to punish those around him than to look at his failures. That would take something that he just doesn't have inside of him... insight, honestly, knowledge and strength. He stated for me to take the stainless steel cookware that he bought for me to cook his dinners in because he didn't want it. At the time, I said I didn't want anything that belonged to him. but as I got closer to the time to move, I decided to go ahead and take it because I will use it and he will not. So I'm sure you all will hear all about that because it is another small thing that is so very important to him. There were only two more things that need to be resolved and I was waiting for his highness to make a decision on one and sign the title over to my truck and then I wouldn't have to deal with him any longer as I moved out of the prison that his house had become.
The decision that I was waiting for him to make was about Lily. One minute Scott stated that he bought Lily for me and the next he states that she belongs to him. One minute he states that he doesn't want to break the dogs up and the next minute he is trying to use Lily to hurt me by keeping her. Whatever! I told him that if he ever got to the point that he couldn't care for her to contact me and I will come and pick her up because Gus and Lily are a bonded pair and belong together. On Mother's Day 2013 he stated that I caught him in a weak moment??? after visiting his own mother's grave when he told me to go ahead and take her and later he stated that he would have to think about Lily going with me. Never mind that it was a very hard day for me and then he called my own mother to wish her a Happy Mother's Day... he made the whole day very difficult for me and enjoyed every moment of it. He stated he only left a message for my mother but again... who knows? People like him make themselves feel better by making others miserable because that's the only way they have to feel good about themselves.
A few weeks before all this came about I went home and made peace with my dad about the things that happened after Trey died. I wanted to leave here with as much resolved as possible before I started my new life. To see him after 4 years was a shock because the man staring back at me was so frail and looked like he was beat by life after the con man Donald Boyd Montgomery had cleaned him out and left the house in shambles and disrepair. Dad had broken his hip a year or so ago and it was hard for him to get around so this once proud man that I knew as my dad was gone. I then made the decision to use the last of my savings that mom was so eager the have to at least finish his bathroom so he could use it easily and then things turned for the worse at Scott's home causing me more grief but it was the push I needed to start packing up my stuff to move back in with my dad to help finish his house before I leave. I felt it was the right thing to do for dad and it will take another year or so before I can finish my stuff before I leave. But I can do it without being miserable and that's worth it to me at this point in my life.
After working at dad for a while, cleaning up, I found out the damage that Don Montgomery did to his credit and his bank account. It took weeks for me to piece together what had happened and when I finished collecting as much evidence as I could I wrote the FBI a letter detailing everything I knew and what I had. I also copied the letter to the area sheriff's offices, made a police report as a formality and then all the credit reporting agencies. I doubt that any of the agencies can or will do very much about this man but my aim was to make it very difficult for Don to come back around once I am gone, because you know men like him never go away when they have found a good mark. Here is a copy of the letter sent with all the details that are available at this time. If you or someone you know is in contact with him then please warn them of the dangers and contact your local authorities if you don't want them to be the next victim. This is the reason this post was delayed because I needed time to get all the necessary paperwork handled before Don found out and retaliated, which he will. There is no doubt about it.
I contacted my mother again and told her of my decision to see and help dad and she was surprisingly okay with it. I told them both that I would not be talking about them to the others and would not listen to any more blame... no matter who was at fault. I told her about Don having my dad sign a POA and a Will leaving him as sole heir to the property and that if it was indeed her intention to leave the sale of the place to me then I would need to have her sign a will stating that. It's not that I even want the property because I don't... I simply do not want Don the con to benefit from his schemes. Later after Scott dropped those last few bomb shells once again that spurred my decision to leave his home as soon as humanly possible I decided to see if mom had really listened to what I have said. I asked her for a loan ($2000) to pay the man helping me finish dad's house so I could move in sooner rather than later. She said no of course because she was done helping me out and besides her money was tied up in a CD. She also stated that I should have been more careful with the way I spent the rest of my savings and that I was just going to have to be mad at her. I was not mad... I was done... completely. She can tell the family that it is once again all about the money but I was never about that at all. There was no point in my looking to my mother to care about anything and it was the hardest decision to cut off contact with her but it is one that was done for my own benefit. I thought about writing a letter to my grandmother but decided not to because in the end... it just didn't matter. I am now free of there limitations and no matter what happens from this point on, I can say I did everything in my power to repair the relationships but failed due to the unwillingness of them.
Lastly on the day before Mother's Day 2013, I got an email from Marvelous! Could the universe test me any harder at that time? He said and I quote... " I "steel" love you no matter what has happened. Please call me just to talk and here is my phone number. Please just call." The next email said " Why won't you talk to me?" Personally I thought the answer was obvious but with him not admitting anything he has ever done wrong, it never occurred to him he was the next to the last man on earth I ever wanted to see again. Before I blocked his email, I stated, " Marvelous? You don't love me, you must be in some trouble. Who knows and who cares? I don't love you so please do not contact me ever again. I will also block you from sending me any more emails, since you can't respect my wishes. BTW, I am leaving the state very soon so Good Bye!" Later while thinking about it I had the vision of some girl throwing all his stuff out the door one more time and seeing him homeless because he got caught lying and cheating again. I couldn't help but start laughing so hard, my stomach ached.
Unfortunately I had to tell Scott about this because Marvelous knows his trucks and will chase him down to ask questions and if he is looking for me, I felt sure that would be a natural opportunity for him to find out. Scott assured me that he would not throw me under the bus... but we shall see. The one thing I have not been truthful with anyone when they ask is, where I am going when I leave here? I have told them a destination picked at random and it was the same location given when I am asked where I go to meet the new group of people I have been meeting with. It is not the location or the destination and that is something I have and will keep to myself so, I'm sorry if any of you have heard the lie based on that alone. When I do leave here I have no immediate plans other than to go where the new group of people are for a while but may not be in one location for very long so I can't tell you even if I did know. That is the beauty of RVing... you can go anywhere, anytime and I only have to consult with myself.
Reading through this post in 2019 as I have has made me see that I was still very angry and hadn't had a chance to work through as much as I wanted or to practice some of the things I've learned. It also refreshed my memories about how many things will happen at once and it's like a juggling act and I felt like a mime. I also understand that I too sound needy or greedy at times when I am asking for help. I hate that because it makes me feel like I am more my mother than I ever wanted to be. It doesn't take in to account that I had a good job that I hated after a while like most people, kept my home for 12 years to the day, paid for my own cars, upkeep on both, sent mom money whenever she needed it and most of all spent money on Trey directly. It's one of the biggest reasons I hate asking for help because my independence feels threatened and I feel like I am less of a person when I do, even without being made to feel that way from my family.
Clearly mom and I kept in contact over the years even if it was very few and far between at first. This post will be the basis for working out some of the last of my issues with her as she is now also in her final days... But the parallels of this time in 2013 with upheavals starting from a once trusted friend, to being ignored by mom and yet embraced by dad while making a lot of changes at one time is something I am facing once again. Boy how things change without ever really changing.
Next
This previously unpublished post (PUP) was started just after Mother's Day 2013 and left in rough draft form but can't be published for a long while. The reasons will be clear toward the end so bare with me once again... if you would. As for Mother's Day it was another hard day to get through as you may have guessed and I thought I was doing fine until a friend of mine gave me a hug the day before and said they understood. Then I kind of teared up but quickly got my thoughts back to the present while remembering some of the good times with Trey. Like the year he gave me and mom a used Valentine's kiddie card for Mother's Day or another year a little key chain from the Dollar Store that said Greatest Mom In The World... which as you know, I feel so far from that... but it still means so very much to me that he gave it to me along with a big hug. Those hugs will always be what I miss the most. I still have a hard time writing about Trey and all the feelings that come at random moments whether they are good or sad so more on that in another post.
For this one I want to finish the stories I have written about with the various people in my life because it's time I put some of these feelings to bed and move on to more important ones in the coming future. So to catch up I'll start with my mother. When I wrote this post I was trying to be light hearted about the whole thing but after our beach trip in September 2012, things got deep and even more difficult. I was so very tired of her asking me what I would have done if I had to raise Trey on my own because she didn't like the same answer I usually gave her. The answer was I would have done whatever it took to do it but it would have been better for us all if you would have helped instead of just keeping him. I told her that it was her way of not having to make a decision about her own life while trying to hold on to that control that was her ever present problem. That started a fight while we were there and it continued after we got home. So I sat down and wrote her a letter in clear terms but she stated that she didn't understand. I think she understood perfectly but didn't like what I said.
So let's start off with the fact that mom doesn't breathe too well with all her conditions. I tried to get her to rent one of those scooter that would allow her to move freely but she would not even consider the idea. I didn't understand why I paid for a hotel at the beach if she just wanted to see me then we could have rented a cheaper one at the halfway point between our homes and I wouldn't have wasted so much money or time. In fact she still believes that this was the sole problem I had but it was just one more example of how she has given up taking responsibility for her self and actions. So here is the conversation written through FB so I could have a record and my words couldn't be changed or forgotten:
Mom: I apology about the beach trip, I'm just not able to go very much because of the breathing problem, but I did enjoy the time together.
Me: It's okay...really.
Mom: I don't really think so. You made it quite clear that you didn't want to go anywhere with me since I couldn't do some of the things you wanted to do.
Me: Mom it is really simple. You have to know AND work around your limitations which is something you're not willing to do. I can't help that but I can make a decision to not be in that situation again.
So it is okay, either way... really.
A few weeks later when I was telling my mother by phone about the situation with my roommate Scott and that I was going to start the process of moving out of there into an RV, the first thing she said was "I want all the money you have of mine in your savings." I asked her was that all she could think about because I really needed to talk with someone who cared about what was going on. Which was my mistake because that person is not ever going to be my mother. I told her that I was tired of looking to her for any help whether it be emotional support or giving me a place to stay for a few months until I got my stuff together or even to come stay with me while I was in my own home. She stated that she was living in my grandmothers home and that my grandmother had said no about me staying there. Whether she asked or not is still a question but it isn't important because she made it clear that she would not help me in any way any longer. She was fine and that's what was important to her. I was hurt but it was my own damn fault for even asking because I knew the answer would be... you are on your own because that's the only answer she has ever had for me. So to resume the written conversation:
Me: I will transfer the money in your account by the end of the week... good luck!
A few weeks later when I was telling my mother by phone about the situation with my roommate Scott and that I was going to start the process of moving out of there into an RV, the first thing she said was "I want all the money you have of mine in your savings." I asked her was that all she could think about because I really needed to talk with someone who cared about what was going on. Which was my mistake because that person is not ever going to be my mother. I told her that I was tired of looking to her for any help whether it be emotional support or giving me a place to stay for a few months until I got my stuff together or even to come stay with me while I was in my own home. She stated that she was living in my grandmothers home and that my grandmother had said no about me staying there. Whether she asked or not is still a question but it isn't important because she made it clear that she would not help me in any way any longer. She was fine and that's what was important to her. I was hurt but it was my own damn fault for even asking because I knew the answer would be... you are on your own because that's the only answer she has ever had for me. So to resume the written conversation:
Me: I will transfer the money in your account by the end of the week... good luck!
PS I will also go handle my part of Trey's bonds and will send you the rest of the info so you can do it on your own time...
Mom, despite what you may think, I've been semi listening to you for years. I've been waiting for you to figure out some things on your own but it doesn't seem like that's happening. Instead you are still telling yourself and others what you want to hear, see or feel but in reality it is far from the truth. I learned a long time ago that truth is not only subjective to each individual person but I also saw that there IS an objective truth that is or can be seen from several others, based on real facts or evidence. In others words what is true for you is not true for everyone... most especially me. I also noticed that you have a very selective memory when it come to the past where I'm concerned. I'm not talking about just forgetting a bit here and there I mean you've rewrote the past instead of learning from it.
I don't know how else to say this except to just lay it all out. I've learned to tune out the words that people say and watch their actions. Over the years though I've noticed that you asked the question "What about me?" over and over again, no matter what the conversations are about. In fact as far back as I can remember that has been your number one concern... yourself. My growing up years were all about what you wanted, needed, thought, believed or cared about. I learned early that what I needed was never really going to be important to you because your were unable or unwilling to care about another persons well being in the manner that was needed. Now this is not to say that you didn't DO anything because you did cherry pick what you would do... even if it was not what was needed and that in the end was just a waste of effort in my opinion.
As far as you and dad go I understood that it took two people to play the game and you were 50% responsible for your actions or in this case inactions to do anything different. And I want to be clear here... I have failed more in my life time that you but only by default, because I tried to do more things in and with my life than you. Just the law of averages. As I have said recently we all make choices and even refusing to make a decision is a choice in and of itself. I've suspected for a very long time now that your past decisions haunt you and you are looking for absolution from me about the past so you can continue believing that we are best friends. What hasn't occurred to you very often over the years was I don't want you as a best friend but I had needed you as my mother which you choose to be unavailable at those times.
As for your keeping Trey to raise for yourself in that miserable house you called home... what you can't see is that there was better options that would have benefited all of us if you were just willing to consider them... AT THAT TIME. Now is much too late for the constant what if's that you seem to be stuck on. I can tell you that I was not only mad as hell at you but I was sick of your constant manipulations, guilt tripping and never ending complaints on everything that I have tried to limit my contact with you severely because it drained me of energy. But the guilt I carried everyday leaving Trey with you without fighting will be with me to the day I take my last breath. I don't care what you think I could or couldn't have done back then because the real problem you face is what would you have done with your life then. And you apparently have no answers.
I've also suspected over the years that you were jealous of my freedom that I earned and have watched as you insert yourself into my friends lives trying to be their friend too... or maybe you were jealous of the friendships I was trying to have. I don't know but what I can say is this... my life was hard and it took a lot of effort on my part to maintain it. There were times when I was alone, desperate and hurting that I never shared with you. I also learned not to share anything that I thought was good and right with you until it was over so that you could not do anything to derail whatever it was. I know that may hurt and I also know that you have changed a little over the years but I still didn't trust you because I have seen with my own two eyes that I couldn't trust someone who was so clearly lost as you were... and maybe still are.
I think you already know most of this even if you won't admit it to yourself because you feel the distance between us. It's why you felt like you had to keep Trey, it's why you felt the need to control so many things that were not your business to control. It was simply a way of trying to keep me close to you without having to take a good long look at your own life and make the necessary changes that would have been... could have been for the better of us all. I meant what I said about researching what was wrong with myself and I suggest you do the same. I learned a lot about family dynamics and so many other useful things when it comes to piecing together what is the point of existence. The one thing I did do right was keep on trying to be a better person and build a better life. I grew up a long time ago because I had to but I also understand that you must take a chance on life sometimes even if you fail you can gain knowledge and wisdom for the next attempt. But knowledge without actions is useless and you don't seem to really understand this to the very core.
One last thing... please understand that even if I'm wrong on a few details I've understood much of the things I've stated here for a very long time and even made peace with it. Until Trey died then it all came back in a rush because then there was no more time to make things right on any of our parts. I had to go through the whole process of forgiveness again but now there is no point in pretending that things have or even will be rosy between us again... even if I do make you laugh. That is simply a defense mechanism that I use to keep you from sucking me into your misery. I know that's harsh and I am sorry I can't be any softer but it is still the truth. Plain and simple.
The bottom line is you need me far more than I need you because this has always been a one sided relationship despite me going along with your pretense all these years. I accepted a long time ago even before Trey was killed that I would probably be on my own for the rest of my life with only the support of the few friends that I could make along the way. I didn't want to be a burden to him and would have never saddled him with that responsibility because I wanted him to be happy. Well as much as possible. In fact his happiness was the number one thing that was important to me whether you believe that or not. It was one of the reasons I gave him the chance to make his own decisions, even if they broke my heart. It was something I looked for from you without ever receiving so much as an encouraging word.
So here we are in present day and I'm dealing with what to do about my future. Again you don't have this problem because you had a mother who was able to let you come live with her rent free and so all your problems have been solved... again with little effort on your part. I mean I did make the decision and the effort to get you out of dad's so what was there for you to do? As for me I'm still tired and exhausted from life but I have to find the effort from within to do what needs to be done because it's the only choice I have. Life goes on... The whole point of this is not to hurt your feelings, although I'm sure they may be hurt, but it was to get you to understand that I'm tired of answering the same questions over and over again and it's time to focus on now. Right now. You need to start to plan for your final resting place but still refuse to do anything about that. If you can't care any more about things like this or even yourself then please stop expecting me too. It is and will always be your choice.
Mom: Thanks-I'm not quite sure what you think I can do. This not my house. I have no answer for you. About Trey's bonds we both have to go together. What about the money market acct? You seem to get pissed when you can't have your way. I have loaned you money in the past. (Only because I showed her my money was tied up in a CD and would be repaid as soon as it matured.) When you first bought the condo you went in the saving acct. with out telling me. (I did and was trying to repay the money before she found out. It was wrong of me and I was ashamed of myself.) I only said to pay me back. I sure you did some of the money but that's neither here nor there. (I repaid every dime because she always kept a running tab and never let me forget it... as if I would.) I also loaned you money before you let the condo go back. (No she did not, my dad did and was repaid completely) So don't say I never helped you. By the way your Dad and I bought your first car. What do you expect from me. If your grandmother had not let me stay here with her where the hell do you think I was going to stay. I have no answers for you because I have no answer for myself, so don't you sit and make judgements about me. As far as I'm concerned you can cremate me. I have no answers for you. I believe you still have guilt feelings about not raising Trey. If you want to part ways, that is your decision. I would appreciate it if you would give me my part of the money. That is all I have. I sorry you feel that way, but that is your decision.
Mom, despite what you may think, I've been semi listening to you for years. I've been waiting for you to figure out some things on your own but it doesn't seem like that's happening. Instead you are still telling yourself and others what you want to hear, see or feel but in reality it is far from the truth. I learned a long time ago that truth is not only subjective to each individual person but I also saw that there IS an objective truth that is or can be seen from several others, based on real facts or evidence. In others words what is true for you is not true for everyone... most especially me. I also noticed that you have a very selective memory when it come to the past where I'm concerned. I'm not talking about just forgetting a bit here and there I mean you've rewrote the past instead of learning from it.
I don't know how else to say this except to just lay it all out. I've learned to tune out the words that people say and watch their actions. Over the years though I've noticed that you asked the question "What about me?" over and over again, no matter what the conversations are about. In fact as far back as I can remember that has been your number one concern... yourself. My growing up years were all about what you wanted, needed, thought, believed or cared about. I learned early that what I needed was never really going to be important to you because your were unable or unwilling to care about another persons well being in the manner that was needed. Now this is not to say that you didn't DO anything because you did cherry pick what you would do... even if it was not what was needed and that in the end was just a waste of effort in my opinion.
As far as you and dad go I understood that it took two people to play the game and you were 50% responsible for your actions or in this case inactions to do anything different. And I want to be clear here... I have failed more in my life time that you but only by default, because I tried to do more things in and with my life than you. Just the law of averages. As I have said recently we all make choices and even refusing to make a decision is a choice in and of itself. I've suspected for a very long time now that your past decisions haunt you and you are looking for absolution from me about the past so you can continue believing that we are best friends. What hasn't occurred to you very often over the years was I don't want you as a best friend but I had needed you as my mother which you choose to be unavailable at those times.
As for your keeping Trey to raise for yourself in that miserable house you called home... what you can't see is that there was better options that would have benefited all of us if you were just willing to consider them... AT THAT TIME. Now is much too late for the constant what if's that you seem to be stuck on. I can tell you that I was not only mad as hell at you but I was sick of your constant manipulations, guilt tripping and never ending complaints on everything that I have tried to limit my contact with you severely because it drained me of energy. But the guilt I carried everyday leaving Trey with you without fighting will be with me to the day I take my last breath. I don't care what you think I could or couldn't have done back then because the real problem you face is what would you have done with your life then. And you apparently have no answers.
I've also suspected over the years that you were jealous of my freedom that I earned and have watched as you insert yourself into my friends lives trying to be their friend too... or maybe you were jealous of the friendships I was trying to have. I don't know but what I can say is this... my life was hard and it took a lot of effort on my part to maintain it. There were times when I was alone, desperate and hurting that I never shared with you. I also learned not to share anything that I thought was good and right with you until it was over so that you could not do anything to derail whatever it was. I know that may hurt and I also know that you have changed a little over the years but I still didn't trust you because I have seen with my own two eyes that I couldn't trust someone who was so clearly lost as you were... and maybe still are.
I think you already know most of this even if you won't admit it to yourself because you feel the distance between us. It's why you felt like you had to keep Trey, it's why you felt the need to control so many things that were not your business to control. It was simply a way of trying to keep me close to you without having to take a good long look at your own life and make the necessary changes that would have been... could have been for the better of us all. I meant what I said about researching what was wrong with myself and I suggest you do the same. I learned a lot about family dynamics and so many other useful things when it comes to piecing together what is the point of existence. The one thing I did do right was keep on trying to be a better person and build a better life. I grew up a long time ago because I had to but I also understand that you must take a chance on life sometimes even if you fail you can gain knowledge and wisdom for the next attempt. But knowledge without actions is useless and you don't seem to really understand this to the very core.
One last thing... please understand that even if I'm wrong on a few details I've understood much of the things I've stated here for a very long time and even made peace with it. Until Trey died then it all came back in a rush because then there was no more time to make things right on any of our parts. I had to go through the whole process of forgiveness again but now there is no point in pretending that things have or even will be rosy between us again... even if I do make you laugh. That is simply a defense mechanism that I use to keep you from sucking me into your misery. I know that's harsh and I am sorry I can't be any softer but it is still the truth. Plain and simple.
The bottom line is you need me far more than I need you because this has always been a one sided relationship despite me going along with your pretense all these years. I accepted a long time ago even before Trey was killed that I would probably be on my own for the rest of my life with only the support of the few friends that I could make along the way. I didn't want to be a burden to him and would have never saddled him with that responsibility because I wanted him to be happy. Well as much as possible. In fact his happiness was the number one thing that was important to me whether you believe that or not. It was one of the reasons I gave him the chance to make his own decisions, even if they broke my heart. It was something I looked for from you without ever receiving so much as an encouraging word.
So here we are in present day and I'm dealing with what to do about my future. Again you don't have this problem because you had a mother who was able to let you come live with her rent free and so all your problems have been solved... again with little effort on your part. I mean I did make the decision and the effort to get you out of dad's so what was there for you to do? As for me I'm still tired and exhausted from life but I have to find the effort from within to do what needs to be done because it's the only choice I have. Life goes on... The whole point of this is not to hurt your feelings, although I'm sure they may be hurt, but it was to get you to understand that I'm tired of answering the same questions over and over again and it's time to focus on now. Right now. You need to start to plan for your final resting place but still refuse to do anything about that. If you can't care any more about things like this or even yourself then please stop expecting me too. It is and will always be your choice.
Mom: Thanks-I'm not quite sure what you think I can do. This not my house. I have no answer for you. About Trey's bonds we both have to go together. What about the money market acct? You seem to get pissed when you can't have your way. I have loaned you money in the past. (Only because I showed her my money was tied up in a CD and would be repaid as soon as it matured.) When you first bought the condo you went in the saving acct. with out telling me. (I did and was trying to repay the money before she found out. It was wrong of me and I was ashamed of myself.) I only said to pay me back. I sure you did some of the money but that's neither here nor there. (I repaid every dime because she always kept a running tab and never let me forget it... as if I would.) I also loaned you money before you let the condo go back. (No she did not, my dad did and was repaid completely) So don't say I never helped you. By the way your Dad and I bought your first car. What do you expect from me. If your grandmother had not let me stay here with her where the hell do you think I was going to stay. I have no answers for you because I have no answer for myself, so don't you sit and make judgements about me. As far as I'm concerned you can cremate me. I have no answers for you. I believe you still have guilt feelings about not raising Trey. If you want to part ways, that is your decision. I would appreciate it if you would give me my part of the money. That is all I have. I sorry you feel that way, but that is your decision.
Me: As usual you miss the point(s)... but
that okay. I know you can do nothing because that's the way it's been
for a very long time. I am not pissed because I can't have my way...
for that is nothing new... I'm just done trying to make you see and
understand something that is impossible for you to get. REREAD the
entire thing because it addresses ALL your comments completely.
As for the money I will transfer as much as I can (all of hers plus any extra left over from Trey's lawsuit) back into your saving account by the end of the week. I will go to the bank and see what I can do on my own about Trey's bonds and hopefully I can take care of my part first. (Signing the bonds over to her) Then send you the rest with a notarized letter of consent and other relevant documents. If not I'll let you know.
Mom: I would greatly appreciate it if you would put in to simply language what you have wrote me. Some of it I do not quite understand. Thanks
I not quite sure how much money I'm entitled to but That is the one thing I have never not trusted you with my money. Thanks!
Will-I'm not exactly sure the way the sentence is worded if you trust me with your money or not but I have never ever spent any of your money that you gave to me for Trey's big ticket items except on him. (Was never a issue... so I thought) I'm very sorry if you thought I had ever spent any of your money on myself. We do not have a choice, but go to the bank together. I'm sorry the lady was very specific that we had to go together. I promise you I will not ever bother you again when we get this money situation straighten out. You told me you had put away twenty thousand from Trey's money. Is this true? I also want my money from the C/U. I want all the money from the bonds because I always added more money so he would have more money when his bonds matured.
Me: Do you even read or hear what you are saying? Really??? What I see is your are worried about your money, your money and your money. The trust I was speaking about is NOT about money nor was is ever. It's about not trusting you to care about me in any way that is needed.
Since I have to tell you this then it will have no value because it should've been learned on your own... I am human and have made mistakes. I've taken responsibility for those mistakes and tried to fix them if at all possible. It's apparently too much too ask for, that you do the same and read where you'll not bother me again.
That clearly says to me that being right and getting your money is more important than any relationship we've ever had. You'll have 15k in your account by the end of the week. I can't promise you too much more than that at this time because I will be own my own and have a lot of expenses coming up. If I have some to spare I'll deposit more later... if not then you'll just have to make due with everything you got. I'll let you know about Trey's bonds later. Relax... you'll be fine.
As for the money I will transfer as much as I can (all of hers plus any extra left over from Trey's lawsuit) back into your saving account by the end of the week. I will go to the bank and see what I can do on my own about Trey's bonds and hopefully I can take care of my part first. (Signing the bonds over to her) Then send you the rest with a notarized letter of consent and other relevant documents. If not I'll let you know.
Mom: I would greatly appreciate it if you would put in to simply language what you have wrote me. Some of it I do not quite understand. Thanks
I not quite sure how much money I'm entitled to but That is the one thing I have never not trusted you with my money. Thanks!
Will-I'm not exactly sure the way the sentence is worded if you trust me with your money or not but I have never ever spent any of your money that you gave to me for Trey's big ticket items except on him. (Was never a issue... so I thought) I'm very sorry if you thought I had ever spent any of your money on myself. We do not have a choice, but go to the bank together. I'm sorry the lady was very specific that we had to go together. I promise you I will not ever bother you again when we get this money situation straighten out. You told me you had put away twenty thousand from Trey's money. Is this true? I also want my money from the C/U. I want all the money from the bonds because I always added more money so he would have more money when his bonds matured.
Me: Do you even read or hear what you are saying? Really??? What I see is your are worried about your money, your money and your money. The trust I was speaking about is NOT about money nor was is ever. It's about not trusting you to care about me in any way that is needed.
Since I have to tell you this then it will have no value because it should've been learned on your own... I am human and have made mistakes. I've taken responsibility for those mistakes and tried to fix them if at all possible. It's apparently too much too ask for, that you do the same and read where you'll not bother me again.
That clearly says to me that being right and getting your money is more important than any relationship we've ever had. You'll have 15k in your account by the end of the week. I can't promise you too much more than that at this time because I will be own my own and have a lot of expenses coming up. If I have some to spare I'll deposit more later... if not then you'll just have to make due with everything you got. I'll let you know about Trey's bonds later. Relax... you'll be fine.
BTW... I always wondered what it would
be like to have a family that helped each other succeed in life instead
of ignoring everything but our own needs. To be clear one more time I
am not nor have I ever blamed you for my problems. I have asked for
your help several times within the last few years not because I am a
whinny brat who is looking to have her way... but because I really
needed your help and would not have asked if I didn't.
It's the fact that you don't even try anymore that bothered me most but I can see it was my mistake in hoping that you would understand that basic fact. You have not even thought about how much it hurts and for years I kept hoping that you would see the damage you were doing... but it never happened. I'm sorry that I've hurt you by telling you the truth about how I feel and think. I'm just tired of any relationship based on lies or half truths and understand completely that there is no help for me here.
But I love you because you're my mom and I forgive you because you're human.
Mom: Thank you for loving me. I cannot understand why you are blaming me for your decision to live with Scott. (Not even close to what was expressed in the above exchange) That was your choice. I have no answer for you. It's a simple fact that I have no extra money except what I have saved in my savings acct. (She is on Social Security, Medicaid and Medicare and pays no rent at my grandmothers. She also can ask grandma for anything she needs outside of this.) You had told me you had 20,000 dollars for me from Trey's acct. (Lawsuit) Your words not mine. (I did tell her that at the beginning before I had to make other arrangements to live and work. And a lot of that money went into dad's house) I have no other source of money other than what you said you had for me. I saved what I could when I could. Trey's bonds were bought by me (myself and my grandmother) and I expect to get all of the money because I bought them. (Again not all of them, but I was going to give them all to her anyway.) I'm sorry I was not the mother you expected from me. You will have to explain what kind of mother you expected me to be. I'm sorry I was not the the mom you expected. But that is water under the bridge. You were certainly not the daughter I expected. I forgive you too. You don't have a book telling you how to raise children.
Me: I know you don't understand mom and that's the whole problem in a nutshell. I can't explain it any better. When I told you about the 20k... things were different. Now things are all on my shoulders and I will truly be on my own, soon. You however will be FINE... you have a place to live, food to eat and plenty of insurance/medicade to handle your health.
A lot of other things had happened in the last few weeks of May 2013 like I found my next home on wheels and it had been delivered despite the uphill battle it took. My roommate Scott has turned our relationship into an all out war because he still states one thing and then turns around and denies what has been said. He still continues to talk to anyone who will listen to him and that too will never change. But just before the RV was to be delivered he stated that if I park it here he will have it towed off and then fires me from my job as soon as he moves the business into the new building and lastly tells me I have 4 months to leave his house. Why? Because I won't feed him anymore... literally and figuratively. I had stated several months earlier that I was going to start saving half my paycheck to pay for the pick up needed to pull the RV but he waits until I am fully committed then states once again that my paycheck for which I work for is all his money and I have no rights to it or any in his home??? Really? Later I asked if would at least tell me when he paid the last check if it would be my last and he wouldn't even agree to do that.
It's the fact that you don't even try anymore that bothered me most but I can see it was my mistake in hoping that you would understand that basic fact. You have not even thought about how much it hurts and for years I kept hoping that you would see the damage you were doing... but it never happened. I'm sorry that I've hurt you by telling you the truth about how I feel and think. I'm just tired of any relationship based on lies or half truths and understand completely that there is no help for me here.
But I love you because you're my mom and I forgive you because you're human.
Mom: Thank you for loving me. I cannot understand why you are blaming me for your decision to live with Scott. (Not even close to what was expressed in the above exchange) That was your choice. I have no answer for you. It's a simple fact that I have no extra money except what I have saved in my savings acct. (She is on Social Security, Medicaid and Medicare and pays no rent at my grandmothers. She also can ask grandma for anything she needs outside of this.) You had told me you had 20,000 dollars for me from Trey's acct. (Lawsuit) Your words not mine. (I did tell her that at the beginning before I had to make other arrangements to live and work. And a lot of that money went into dad's house) I have no other source of money other than what you said you had for me. I saved what I could when I could. Trey's bonds were bought by me (myself and my grandmother) and I expect to get all of the money because I bought them. (Again not all of them, but I was going to give them all to her anyway.) I'm sorry I was not the mother you expected from me. You will have to explain what kind of mother you expected me to be. I'm sorry I was not the the mom you expected. But that is water under the bridge. You were certainly not the daughter I expected. I forgive you too. You don't have a book telling you how to raise children.
Me: I know you don't understand mom and that's the whole problem in a nutshell. I can't explain it any better. When I told you about the 20k... things were different. Now things are all on my shoulders and I will truly be on my own, soon. You however will be FINE... you have a place to live, food to eat and plenty of insurance/medicade to handle your health.
You can have ALL the
bonds and 15k ($8000 of her savings plus $7000 extra not including Trey's bonds) is all I have now to give you. So save the pitiful me
routine about not having anything because you have everything you need
and then some right now!!!!
Again it all about the money for YOU and that's why you can't see or understand anything I've been writing about. As usual you think I'm blaming you for everything except for what you actually have done or in this case haven't done. At this point in time I am done explaining things to you. If you don't get it then forget it... it doesn't matter now.
That was the end of the written exchange and my mother was paid every dime as well as the $2000.00 plus from Trey's bonds. She has also stated several times that she didn't make me pay child support because she was trying to help me. I told her that I didn't need a court to tell me to pay for my child and every time she needed money to ask for it. She did all throughout Trey's life and was given whatever she needed for him. She also had Trey's father paying support when ever he felt like paying for it that is. Later when mom came down to Scott's house to confront me one more time about the money just before it was all transferred back to her account she said that she had my aunt read the letter I sent her and it didn't make sense to her either. That's because my aunt had no knowledge of any other conversations that took place between us and it let me know that she was willing to show the family only what she wanted them to see. Whether this is true or not I don't know but... Scott told me that my mother told him, she would have him transfer the money over to her (because we had a shared savings account then), behind my back if I didn't comply with the agreement. Who knows who is telling the truth here because neither of them would know the truth if it came up and introduced itself formally.
After the money was settled my mother still contacted me to tell me all about how wonderful her life was while not listening to much of what I had to say, which has been a normal practice with her. In May of 2013 when my grandmother broke her hip, I went to see her at the rehabilitation hospital then went to see my mom for a moment. She then once again brought up the whole conversation about what would I have done if I had to raise Trey alone and then told me that I hurt her feelings with the letter I wrote. I explained that I have been reading numerous books about the Narcissistic Family and how it helped me to see more clearly what the problems were with myself, family and even Scott. I encouraged her to read several books that would help her understand but that too is never going to happen. She doesn't want to know how to fix anything, including herself. I tried explaining the concepts to the best of my limited ability but the most important was about being there and helping when ever it was needed. I told her that I was always there for her but never felt the same in return.
Again it all about the money for YOU and that's why you can't see or understand anything I've been writing about. As usual you think I'm blaming you for everything except for what you actually have done or in this case haven't done. At this point in time I am done explaining things to you. If you don't get it then forget it... it doesn't matter now.
That was the end of the written exchange and my mother was paid every dime as well as the $2000.00 plus from Trey's bonds. She has also stated several times that she didn't make me pay child support because she was trying to help me. I told her that I didn't need a court to tell me to pay for my child and every time she needed money to ask for it. She did all throughout Trey's life and was given whatever she needed for him. She also had Trey's father paying support when ever he felt like paying for it that is. Later when mom came down to Scott's house to confront me one more time about the money just before it was all transferred back to her account she said that she had my aunt read the letter I sent her and it didn't make sense to her either. That's because my aunt had no knowledge of any other conversations that took place between us and it let me know that she was willing to show the family only what she wanted them to see. Whether this is true or not I don't know but... Scott told me that my mother told him, she would have him transfer the money over to her (because we had a shared savings account then), behind my back if I didn't comply with the agreement. Who knows who is telling the truth here because neither of them would know the truth if it came up and introduced itself formally.
After the money was settled my mother still contacted me to tell me all about how wonderful her life was while not listening to much of what I had to say, which has been a normal practice with her. In May of 2013 when my grandmother broke her hip, I went to see her at the rehabilitation hospital then went to see my mom for a moment. She then once again brought up the whole conversation about what would I have done if I had to raise Trey alone and then told me that I hurt her feelings with the letter I wrote. I explained that I have been reading numerous books about the Narcissistic Family and how it helped me to see more clearly what the problems were with myself, family and even Scott. I encouraged her to read several books that would help her understand but that too is never going to happen. She doesn't want to know how to fix anything, including herself. I tried explaining the concepts to the best of my limited ability but the most important was about being there and helping when ever it was needed. I told her that I was always there for her but never felt the same in return.
A lot of other things had happened in the last few weeks of May 2013 like I found my next home on wheels and it had been delivered despite the uphill battle it took. My roommate Scott has turned our relationship into an all out war because he still states one thing and then turns around and denies what has been said. He still continues to talk to anyone who will listen to him and that too will never change. But just before the RV was to be delivered he stated that if I park it here he will have it towed off and then fires me from my job as soon as he moves the business into the new building and lastly tells me I have 4 months to leave his house. Why? Because I won't feed him anymore... literally and figuratively. I had stated several months earlier that I was going to start saving half my paycheck to pay for the pick up needed to pull the RV but he waits until I am fully committed then states once again that my paycheck for which I work for is all his money and I have no rights to it or any in his home??? Really? Later I asked if would at least tell me when he paid the last check if it would be my last and he wouldn't even agree to do that.
I lost it that night and went off on him like nobody's business which only made him happy. I guess any emotion is better than none because for the longest time, I just ignored him and he can't stand that. He has to be the center of the universe at all times so it bruised his ego. Unfortunately I let my own self importance get in the way as well as giving him what he wanted... a reaction, instead of just letting it go. I still have a long ways to go before I can get my emotions under control, but getting out of there was the first and biggest step. Scott spent so much time looking for any small mistake I made and then would make the biggest deal out of it... because it's more important to punish those around him than to look at his failures. That would take something that he just doesn't have inside of him... insight, honestly, knowledge and strength. He stated for me to take the stainless steel cookware that he bought for me to cook his dinners in because he didn't want it. At the time, I said I didn't want anything that belonged to him. but as I got closer to the time to move, I decided to go ahead and take it because I will use it and he will not. So I'm sure you all will hear all about that because it is another small thing that is so very important to him. There were only two more things that need to be resolved and I was waiting for his highness to make a decision on one and sign the title over to my truck and then I wouldn't have to deal with him any longer as I moved out of the prison that his house had become.
The decision that I was waiting for him to make was about Lily. One minute Scott stated that he bought Lily for me and the next he states that she belongs to him. One minute he states that he doesn't want to break the dogs up and the next minute he is trying to use Lily to hurt me by keeping her. Whatever! I told him that if he ever got to the point that he couldn't care for her to contact me and I will come and pick her up because Gus and Lily are a bonded pair and belong together. On Mother's Day 2013 he stated that I caught him in a weak moment??? after visiting his own mother's grave when he told me to go ahead and take her and later he stated that he would have to think about Lily going with me. Never mind that it was a very hard day for me and then he called my own mother to wish her a Happy Mother's Day... he made the whole day very difficult for me and enjoyed every moment of it. He stated he only left a message for my mother but again... who knows? People like him make themselves feel better by making others miserable because that's the only way they have to feel good about themselves.
A few weeks before all this came about I went home and made peace with my dad about the things that happened after Trey died. I wanted to leave here with as much resolved as possible before I started my new life. To see him after 4 years was a shock because the man staring back at me was so frail and looked like he was beat by life after the con man Donald Boyd Montgomery had cleaned him out and left the house in shambles and disrepair. Dad had broken his hip a year or so ago and it was hard for him to get around so this once proud man that I knew as my dad was gone. I then made the decision to use the last of my savings that mom was so eager the have to at least finish his bathroom so he could use it easily and then things turned for the worse at Scott's home causing me more grief but it was the push I needed to start packing up my stuff to move back in with my dad to help finish his house before I leave. I felt it was the right thing to do for dad and it will take another year or so before I can finish my stuff before I leave. But I can do it without being miserable and that's worth it to me at this point in my life.
After working at dad for a while, cleaning up, I found out the damage that Don Montgomery did to his credit and his bank account. It took weeks for me to piece together what had happened and when I finished collecting as much evidence as I could I wrote the FBI a letter detailing everything I knew and what I had. I also copied the letter to the area sheriff's offices, made a police report as a formality and then all the credit reporting agencies. I doubt that any of the agencies can or will do very much about this man but my aim was to make it very difficult for Don to come back around once I am gone, because you know men like him never go away when they have found a good mark. Here is a copy of the letter sent with all the details that are available at this time. If you or someone you know is in contact with him then please warn them of the dangers and contact your local authorities if you don't want them to be the next victim. This is the reason this post was delayed because I needed time to get all the necessary paperwork handled before Don found out and retaliated, which he will. There is no doubt about it.
I contacted my mother again and told her of my decision to see and help dad and she was surprisingly okay with it. I told them both that I would not be talking about them to the others and would not listen to any more blame... no matter who was at fault. I told her about Don having my dad sign a POA and a Will leaving him as sole heir to the property and that if it was indeed her intention to leave the sale of the place to me then I would need to have her sign a will stating that. It's not that I even want the property because I don't... I simply do not want Don the con to benefit from his schemes. Later after Scott dropped those last few bomb shells once again that spurred my decision to leave his home as soon as humanly possible I decided to see if mom had really listened to what I have said. I asked her for a loan ($2000) to pay the man helping me finish dad's house so I could move in sooner rather than later. She said no of course because she was done helping me out and besides her money was tied up in a CD. She also stated that I should have been more careful with the way I spent the rest of my savings and that I was just going to have to be mad at her. I was not mad... I was done... completely. She can tell the family that it is once again all about the money but I was never about that at all. There was no point in my looking to my mother to care about anything and it was the hardest decision to cut off contact with her but it is one that was done for my own benefit. I thought about writing a letter to my grandmother but decided not to because in the end... it just didn't matter. I am now free of there limitations and no matter what happens from this point on, I can say I did everything in my power to repair the relationships but failed due to the unwillingness of them.
Lastly on the day before Mother's Day 2013, I got an email from Marvelous! Could the universe test me any harder at that time? He said and I quote... " I "steel" love you no matter what has happened. Please call me just to talk and here is my phone number. Please just call." The next email said " Why won't you talk to me?" Personally I thought the answer was obvious but with him not admitting anything he has ever done wrong, it never occurred to him he was the next to the last man on earth I ever wanted to see again. Before I blocked his email, I stated, " Marvelous? You don't love me, you must be in some trouble. Who knows and who cares? I don't love you so please do not contact me ever again. I will also block you from sending me any more emails, since you can't respect my wishes. BTW, I am leaving the state very soon so Good Bye!" Later while thinking about it I had the vision of some girl throwing all his stuff out the door one more time and seeing him homeless because he got caught lying and cheating again. I couldn't help but start laughing so hard, my stomach ached.
Unfortunately I had to tell Scott about this because Marvelous knows his trucks and will chase him down to ask questions and if he is looking for me, I felt sure that would be a natural opportunity for him to find out. Scott assured me that he would not throw me under the bus... but we shall see. The one thing I have not been truthful with anyone when they ask is, where I am going when I leave here? I have told them a destination picked at random and it was the same location given when I am asked where I go to meet the new group of people I have been meeting with. It is not the location or the destination and that is something I have and will keep to myself so, I'm sorry if any of you have heard the lie based on that alone. When I do leave here I have no immediate plans other than to go where the new group of people are for a while but may not be in one location for very long so I can't tell you even if I did know. That is the beauty of RVing... you can go anywhere, anytime and I only have to consult with myself.
Reading through this post in 2019 as I have has made me see that I was still very angry and hadn't had a chance to work through as much as I wanted or to practice some of the things I've learned. It also refreshed my memories about how many things will happen at once and it's like a juggling act and I felt like a mime. I also understand that I too sound needy or greedy at times when I am asking for help. I hate that because it makes me feel like I am more my mother than I ever wanted to be. It doesn't take in to account that I had a good job that I hated after a while like most people, kept my home for 12 years to the day, paid for my own cars, upkeep on both, sent mom money whenever she needed it and most of all spent money on Trey directly. It's one of the biggest reasons I hate asking for help because my independence feels threatened and I feel like I am less of a person when I do, even without being made to feel that way from my family.
Clearly mom and I kept in contact over the years even if it was very few and far between at first. This post will be the basis for working out some of the last of my issues with her as she is now also in her final days... But the parallels of this time in 2013 with upheavals starting from a once trusted friend, to being ignored by mom and yet embraced by dad while making a lot of changes at one time is something I am facing once again. Boy how things change without ever really changing.
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