Sunday, April 21, 2013

Why I post disturbing stories and views

Some of you may be wondering why I post the stories about past and current events like I do and others have just hidden me from there news feed to avoid seeing them.  I have even lost a few FB friends because of it... and that's okay too.  Some real life friends and family may ask themselves why I am more vocal now than before losing Trey, possibly assuming that I have lost my mind as a result of it. I can assure you that my mind is still here even if it is a bit rusty.  It saddens me deeply to see so many struggling with personal issues at the same time ignoring the issues that affect us collectively.  I was guilty of doing the same thing before Trey died and it was only with his death, that I had the time to start searching for answers as to why we are here and what is our purpose in life.  I can't help but wonder if I had taken the time while he was here to really search and apply the knowledge gained before the accident... would the outcome be any different?  I may never know the answer to that and many other questions but all I can focus on right now... is NOW!

Many of you may seem to understand that the world is beyond messed up but don't know exactly why it is this way because it is too daunting or disturbing to really look behind the scenes for fear of what we might uncover.  I wasn't afraid of what I would find because I would rather have the unvarnished truth as apposed to some candy coated lie any day of the week.  My problem was the resources available at that time were mostly the candy coated lies that is most popular even today.  The few people brave enough to tell the truth and stand up against the evil of this world are often ridiculed and suffer a relentless assault from the ones that want the truth buried so deep that it never sees the light of day.  That makes finding the real truth more difficult than searching for that needle in the haystack.  Since I have experienced that on a very tiny level, I can only imagine what that would be like for the ones who have the heart to take on the really big problems in our world.  My limited experiences has taught me that ignoring them does not make them go away and if fact leaves the problem or the evil to grow stronger because it is not dealt with.  And if you really think back over your time on this planet can you say that the evil has just magically diminished or can you see that it has grown exponentially because it has been running unchecked for many centuries?  

I post these articles and graphics because I care and because I don't want to live with the lies anymore.  Even the ones I tell myself, like I can't do anything about it or it's not important.  It is important to each and every one of us whether we acknowledge it or not.  The death of one child no matter the circumstance is important and make no mistake many children are dying all over the world because of the greed, apathy and ignorance that is so pervasive in our society we have all created.  I am just as guilty of it and now I am trying to correct what is wrong with me, no matter how difficult the process or how long it takes.  I may fail, be wrong or ignored but I will also keep trying. 



Friday, March 22, 2013

Getting a plan together and a Garden.

<<<<< Volume 1. Vol. 2.>>>>> 1. The Weirdness Within, 2. The Uncomfortable Consumer, 
3. Technology, Me and Programs, 4. When will we ever learn?, 5. Sex, drugs and smoking,
6. Suppression Equals Depression, 7. Practicing Awareness, 8. Long Distance Friendships During War, 9.  Away we go, 10. Children and Pit Bulls at Christmas, 11. The other side of the story...I & II, 12. The things that divide us, 13. Getting a plan together and a Garden, 14.  >>>>> The End of the Story Click the links within the post to see the relevant stories, pictures or videos and thanks for stopping by!

I must say how thankful I am for the internet... again.  It lets you do almost all the things I used to do in person or by hand like for instance comparison shop.  It's hard to find certain specific pieces in our area sometime and other things not at all.  The coolest part is if you do it right and just save the items in a list of sorts and research it before you buy it then it can save a lot of hassle!  And take Pinterest for example... while it may be old news to many of you, at first I really thought it was another time suck but as I learned how to use it while cleaning up my computer especially the bookmarks, I found it very useful to save ideas and pictures in one place.  It has saved me a lot of time when I finally got everything sorted, tagged and squared away.  It pointed me to several blogs that I'm interested in too but the point to this was it let me get my thoughts organized enough to know what I need to do next... easier than before.  The bad part is there are so many other great ideas that you could spend the rest of your life trying them all out... which I may just accept that challenge. :) 

Many of you know I am moving again...sigh.  So there has been a lot of year end clean up, book work, house organizing and cleaning, long time plans being put together and then sometimes rearranged.  Researching different ideas about so many things I don't have a clue about, is time consuming but the pay off is saving energy, money and time.  And I must say that the prepper's out there may be a little extreme at times but they have a lot of great ideas about so many things... that they put my little preparedness ideas to shame!  While I love the idea and the experience of getting back to the basics of life, I'm not going to stock pile a lot of mass produced food to survive whatever these trouble times that lay ahead.  Living in a small contained space prevents that but the main reasons is... I can't say I want to live through all that is to come.  I also understand that to be able to survive the emergencies of life means having the skills to do as much as possible for yourself and that's more important that stockpiling supplies.  I'm lacking in many of those basic skills so now I'm trying to correct that little by little and the first step while I wait on other parts of the plan to come together, is planting my very first garden.

Yes you read that right and if you know me then you can stop laughing at any moment.  I know I have a brown thumb but I'm hoping it's because I didn't have the time, knowledge and energy for it.  Now that I have 2 out of 3 and am reading as much as possible... just maybe I can grow something to eat.  So I bravely ordered some organic heirloom seeds from the internet and begin to dream a little dream.  I set up a little grow station in the front living room and then rigged some lights which were a little small but all I could do at this time.  I got some seed soil when the seeds arrived and after soaking them, started planting them in the biodegradable cups nested in roasting pans with lids.  Later 3 trips to HD and I had enough concrete blocks to make 2 large raised garden beds in addition to the 2 in front of the house and then I made 3 trips to recycle center for some rich new compost to fill them all in after laying down the fabric to keep the weeds out.  These beds are not perfectly level as you will see but for my first try, it could have been worse! :)  

Next the plan is trying to construct a sort of cover for the beds using chicken wire, 4x4's, 2x4's and a few hinges to keep the critters out, while giving us access to the fronts.  After reading I knew I'd need a trellis for the cantaloupe and maybe the watermelon, if they make it that is, and then I have some old pallets and steps risers to assemble an herb bench.  I wanted this to be be able to be broken down at the end of the season so it took a bit to figure out how to do this as cheaply as possible using what I already had.  

When the last seeds planted starting to sprout, I think maybe I left the lids on too long even though they were vented and I should have done a more staggered germinating schedule but it was too late at this point.  I was trying to be careful in watering them too much too but now the watermelons look like they are dying but the squash has really taken off.  The lettuce looks like it isn't going to make it either and the tomatoes could go either way at this point.  Well plan B is to buy plants that are well on their way from the local nursery but maybe I can get these to come back?  Well see...       

Update: June 2nd 2013:


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The things that divide us.

<<<<< Volume 1. Vol. 2.>>>>> 1. The Weirdness Within, 2. The Uncomfortable Consumer, 
3. Technology, Me and Programs, 4. When will we ever learn?, 5. Sex, drugs and smoking,
6. Suppression Equals Depression, 7. Practicing Awareness, 8. Long Distance Friendships During War, 9.  Away we go, 10. Children and Pit Bulls at Christmas, 11. The other side of the story...I & II, 12. The things that divide us, 13. Getting a plan together and a Garden, Click the links within the post to see the relevant stories, pictures or videos and thanks for stopping by!

You know even as I grow older I am still surprised by the choices that others make.  One reason is they usually don't take into account all the information available and would rather turn the proverbial blind eye to any evidence to the contrary.  I've written about living in denial before but it seems to be becoming the way most people have chosen to go.  I can't do that no matter how much they might want me too.  So when my new old friend Spunky and I started hanging out, I made sure to explain why I do the things I do.  Over time it seemed like we were in similar situations with so few others who we could really count on, that it was a blessing that we reconnected.  I know I needed someone to talk to about life and the timing of the friendship seemed like it was right.  But as always nothing is as it seems and for a while I was left wondering... just what happened.  

In some ways we had a lot in common like both being from alcoholic families who were raised in the trailer park to being attracted to the wrong kind of men.  We both were tired of that and trying to change the type of friends we made.  When I started to research the diet and health stuff, she was a great motivator when it came to finding something that worked.  We talked about the world many times and why things are the way they are.  We talked about the decisions we both made that led us to where we are today and that's when it became clear that while I had a problem with accepting the status quo, she was quicker to go along with it.  It really broke my heart one day when she said she never knew there was anything different or even better out there, which was why she never looked for it.  But Spunky was more aware of herself now and that it a rare thing these days.  It is the means to understanding our role in this cosmic drama we have agreed to. 

Spunky had come a long way from where she started and I admired her for the tenacity it took.  She even over came her fear of talking with me about Trey because she was a parent too.  That took a lot and I'll always be grateful because not a lot of people get over the fear that a tragedy could rub off on them just by association.  She shared a lot of things with me that she hadn't with too many other people and because of that I shared a lot of what I've detailed in this blog with her.  She felt trapped by her current situation and I could certainly understand that feeling all too well.  But for me at least there is always a way out... even if you haven't found it just yet... keep looking.  Where there is a will, there is a way.  But I made a mistake by thinking she was looking for a way out of her situation instead of a way to make it easier.  While I do understand the difference I don't understand the need to pretend you want something that you don't want.

As I said here I noticed things got weird around the house when we first started hanging out.  I just couldn't put my finger on what it was, but my roommate seemed to know things that Spunky and I had talked about.  It would be a problem I had with him that I explained to her and later my roommate would make a comment on it out of the blue... like he knew.  Maybe she thought she was helping with the situation by giving my roommate advice but she had no clue that the advice would be used in a way that would hurt me in the end.  No matter how much I explained that living with a narcissistic individual was like living with a two year old toddler from hell, she really didn't have the knowledge first hand to relate and for that I understand.  But when the rubber met the road and it came time for her to make a choice when it came to our friendship or the service my roommate can provide she chose the service.  My roommate put her in that situation and she didn't even see it coming... even after I warned her. 

Whatever my roommate said to her when he took her home that last night was enough to make her change her mind about me and she said that there is always two sides to every story.  I used to believe that too when I thought that all people have souls and morality but as I've come to realize that when you have two stories... one a subjective version and the other a complete fabrication based on no evidence and the word of a man with much to lose... then any middle ground you are searching for will still be riddled with inconsistencies and farther from the truth than ever.  The change in the relationship was gradual but that was the end for me because this wasn't a contest and there would be no winners at the end.  When I hugged her good bye that day I knew our friendship was over but it took me a bit to write it out and explain why.  She responded that we didn't agree about my roommate and that was true because we didn't have too... it wasn't a condition of our friendship that we agree.  But the thing she didn't realize was she didn't have to live with the consequences of his actions like I do.  The letter I sent her was not even focused solely on my roommate but mostly about how I saw our friendship.  She said she felt the loss...and that was that.

Having more time to think about things I began to wonder just what her intent was.  I mean I do understand that she was in a hard situation because she wanted to remain friends with us both.  That's one reason why I made sure not to put her in any position that would make her choose.  I did vent quite a lot to her over our time together as I was trying to figure out what was going on with my roommate.  Now I can realize that I shouldn't have done that for many reasons but the main one is she thought highly of my roommate much as I had done in the beginning.  I also began to feel like I was being babysitted much like my roommate had suggested in the beginning when he told her to come by the house anytime to see me.  I have felt that feeling of people trying to pass me off to another person without trying to hurt my feelings before and this felt like the same thing.  The bad part is I don't need to be babysitted, I do alright on my own.   

That also reminded me of the conversation we had about my parents situations and the fact that I really have no one to depend on in life, other than myself.  I'm not sure if the concept was something she couldn't rap her brain around or if she was looking for a way to help me out of this house for my roommates benefit or mine.  It wasn't until after she quit working that I begin to see how little effort she put into finding time for the things that she said were important to her.  I also saw that she had no problem using others to meet her needs and it was the same problem I have with my roommate.  I realized that I was the one who put a lot more effort into this friendship and was starting to fall behind on the things I needed to do for me.  I didn't mind the effort I put in because the things we talked about and our friendship was important so I made time.  But it became clear that she wasn't honest about her intentions.  I understand that we can remain where we are while dreaming of being awake.  It takes actions done consistently and with purpose to even attempt to wake up from this illusion we call life.  I made a mistake in trying to awaken someone who was not ready to apply the lessons to real life... when it counts the most. 

I also came to see that Spunky had many people in her life that cared for her and I pointed that out to her too.  I hope at least I could help her see that for herself so she could appreciate them while they are here.  I gave my friend time and resources that I hope she'll use to find her way... if she chooses.  Most of all I gave my friend the room and the ability to make her own choices and I hope that she will remember that too.  This whole situation was a tough one from the beginning and Spunky is not to blame for the problems I've had with my roommate nor is she to blame for trying to walk that tightrope.  When she made her choice to put what my roommate could do for her above our friendship, I knew she didn't understand anything we had talked about this far.  That day was my sign that our friendship was not based on the truth I have been seeking and for that I'm not sorry.  That's what I was really asking for all along.  The bottom line is if you can't be real then there is nothing left to do but walk away.  I am sorry for any hurt I caused because I don't want to hurt anyone.  There is enough of that already in the world. 

A few months later went by and my roommate said nothing about her which made me wonder just what she told him about us but later he said to me that Spunky just told him I don't love her anymore... and left it at that.  I mean what else can she say to him without revealing the whole truth?  Not much but she knows I still love her and that had nothing to do with what happened.  I miss her and the connection I thought we had.  But after some time I've come to understand that everything happens in it's own time and for it's own reasons, whether we are aware of them or not.  Understanding that my time here in this area was limited at this point and when I leave, I want to really make a fresh start with a clean break from all that is around here... is the underlying reasons for much of what I do.  People around here will always associate me with being a childless parent, a friend of my roommates or any of the crazy exes I've been with and there is so much more to me, to my life and my future... than that.  I just have to realize it and that is hard to do here because so many people are stuck in one place, mentally, physically and spiritually.  That is what really divides us in the end...  


13. Getting a plan together and a Garden >>>>>       

The other side of the story...

 <<<<< Volume 1. Vol. 2.>>>>> 1. The Weirdness Within, 2. The Uncomfortable Consumer, 
3. Technology, Me and Programs, 4. When will we ever learn?, 5. Sex, drugs and smoking,
6. Suppression Equals Depression, 7. Practicing Awareness, 8. Long Distance Friendships During War, 9.  Away we go, 10. Children and Pit Bulls at Christmas, 11. The other side of the story...I & II, 12. The things that divide us, 13. Getting a plan together and a Garden, Click the links within the post to see the relevant stories, pictures or videos and thanks for stopping by!

Hi everyone.  It's been a while since I could sit down and write because so many things are happening in my life as well as the world that have kept me occupied of late.  So what else is new... right?  I have been creating work books to help me get through these deep issues I've been carrying around for years.  But today I am writing about something very personal again and it is important for you to know the truth especially if you know me personally and the situation that is going on.  In this post I wrote about a good friend of mine of 20 years who had been there off and on throughout my life and here for a few more of the highlights.  I really valued him as a friend because he was one of the few that seemed like he really cared... even if it was just on the surface.  I've also wrote about here that things are rarely as they seem and this is one clear example of this.  And just to catch up, this post (2nd part) was right after the 2012 new year, so I've been tip toeing around the situation for a while now.  This is going to be a little different in the regard to the nature of content and may seem pretty petty when it is all said and done.  I'm sorry and more than embarrassed that we've reached this stage because it's beyond counterproductive but I can't find another way to address the larger issues here.  

So we are going to the beginning of this story when I met my friend King Richard at that pool room oh so many years ago... and this is a long story... so sit back and take a load off for a bit.  When we met I was still dating Willie back in 1992 but  asked King Richard Willie if he would like to play on his league team with the intention of trying to win me from him as if I were a prize... which I am not in any sense of the word... then or now.  Of course that information was not offered up until many years later and yes I was that first.  It didn't occur to him that I didn't bounce between men and needed time to heal much less after that split was a big turning point in my life for many reasons.  He was a good ole boy and had the aw shucks routine down pat.  At that time nobody had a bad word to say about him and that was rare around here.  And King Richard was the kinda guy that would give the shirt off his back for you and do anything to help.  Also when he started working on my car back in the day he spent hours lecturing me on the ins and outs of cars even though it was something I cared little about, I listened and stayed with him until everything was done... as a sign of respect.  Because he takes his time on everything he does, it would be an all day thing most of the time but because he was helping me, I waited patiently and did everything I could to help him finish the job... then buy him dinner if I could... even if I was broke most of the time.  Those days I always had so many things going on it was hard to explain to him how important time was and his favorite saying back then was make time... so I did.     

When we stated to hang out, I was 23 and he was 31 although I knew him for a while before that, he was still living at home with his mother without any thought to leaving and a virgin to boot.  And everyone knew he was a virgin too because it became this running joke between the circle of friends with him as the ring leader.  I used to think it was kinda refreshing that someone would hold out for "the one" but found out that wasn't really the case.  He played harder than he worked and he worked hard so his lifestyle was fast and loose.  King Richard and his friends were hustlers back in the day and they were good at it.  Even after Willie and I broke up there was never any chance of me dating him or even sleeping with him and he was told clearly and repeatedly over the years... even if the reasons why changed, the bottom line remained the same.  Problem is I didn't tell anyone else in the circle.  I thought it was a private matter back then but learned there is no such thing with King Richard who shares every juicy bit of gossip that comes his way and usually starts by saying "Check this out..." adding his usual spin on whatever topic.  I learned quickly to not tell him anything of importance because he can't keep a secret to save his life.  But it took his other friends years to figure that one out... which blew my mind.  When we had a discussion on blind faith around that time... he was all for it and I was against it.  The notion of taking people at their word without proof of integrity or not thinking things through at the time was foolish, because it had burned my butt all to often.  I've had to prove who I am enough times and understood it's the kind of world we lived in.  There wasn't anything he could say that would change my mind so he thought I was hard core... even then.  I also learned that he does not like change of any kind and for me that is unimaginable and unacceptable.  Life is a series of choices, changes and lessons.  We can learn them or repeat them. 

King Richard has led a charmed life where he has not had to endure any hardships or lost someone close he cared about until he lost his mother in July of 08.  I must say, even then he took it rather well because he had spent so much time with her while she was here... he felt he had done enough.  It had also given me the impression at first that whoever he married might be a lucky girl if that was any indication.  Once again experience has taught me otherwise when years later he told me his mother had loved him enough for a life time so he didn't need anyone to love him.  He didn't have relationships with women that turned bad (except for me... so I was the worst thing that ever happened to him) and we didn't even have a romantic relationship.  He had parents who bent over backwards to help him every step of the way.  He was the 2nd and favored child who could do no wrong and was proud of it.  But he denied having those safety nets when we were younger because he wanted people to see him as someone who didn't need help.  The facts remain the same even if you do deny them and the fact was... he had a lot of people doing things for him behind the scenes that he learned to take for granted.  Roughly six months after we met he told me he loved me but how could that be possible when he couldn't even see who I was?  I was mad and he knew it too because I left him at the bar and started walking home through the hood... at night.      

At first I observed many qualities in King Richard that I didn't want in a mate and one was he was so loud all the time and another was he was manipulative.  He was the king of double standards and thinks women should be one click behind men or in other words... the man should retain 51 % control within any relationship.  I have never agreed with that logic but that wasn't important either.  Throughout the years the biggest disappointment was when I really saw his inability to care about what another human being really needs by blowing them off with the glib superficial remarks that dismiss their concerns.  Such as you'll be alright or my favorite... if you're that damn dumb you got to be tough... but it took me a good long time to see it because he hides it so well using humor.  He then would buy the person a beer or dinner as a way to smooth things over without having to deal with any actual problems.  I observed his constant need for attention that he directs to suit his needs and the advice he dispenses was based on a very narrow view of the world.  Conversely the advice he receives from people is also based on his half truths and sometimes out right lies, but it always serves the purpose of making sure he looks good.  Plausible deniability and all that.  I have watched him act differently in front of different people for years and in times of crises, when it's convenient or there is something in it for him, he can be a good guy and handle business.  But that good guy is appearing less and less these days with the stresses of life and because I am the closest and easiest to blame, he chooses that route instead of looking at his own actions.

I thought that King Richard would be able to accept that no meant no... no matter the reasons but time has proved me wrong... despite his repeated denials to the contrary.  During these years King Richard has told almost everyone he knew that I was hard to please or leading him on which was never the case and that I took advantage of his kindness... because I wouldn't sleep with him.  It seems that each person gets a slightly different version of the story from one another but that fits right in with where I'm going with all this.  I was simply kind to him and thankful when he was to me by showing my appreciation instead of just talking about it...  just not in the way he wanted.  King Richard often said that I gave out mixed signals to which I couldn't figure out what those signals were at that time, but I have come to understand that in the society we live in that kindness is mistaken for attraction because it is so rare these days.  I spent hours talking to him over the years and pointing out the facts of life such as his black or white thinking or his all or none approach to certain things because in the beginning he seemed like he wanted to learn.  He asked so many questions back then and I answered every single one with the bare truth in the hopes of giving him information that would help him make better decisions.  In fact I spent way too much time trying not to hurt his feelings in the beginning but still telling him the truth for both of our sakes.  It took me years to translate his phrase I don't understand, to... I just don't care.  And instead of using the information to make his life easier he used it as ammunition in a sense. I would point that out to him and again he would tell me "You wouldn't have it any other way."      

When I was younger I didn't understand what all these observations meant other than King Richard wasn't the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life... but I still thought he was a pretty good guy compared to many of the others I had met.  Even with all that had happened up until this point I could still say that... but not any more.  All these years I thought the issue was about him not receiving sex but have now come to the conclusion that this whole friendship has been based on his need to bend others to his will because it's a game he enjoys and has admitted it to me on many long as he was talking about other people.  This irrational obsession/fear of sex is simply a pretense to obtain pity and attention while claiming to be special.  From the beginning he told me he was okay being friends despite what he told his circle of friends.  But because he really wasn't okay with it he started using mind games to show his unhappiness.  Elementary stuff at best but enough to make you feel like you are being punished for something even if you were not guilty of the offense.  I have a really big problem with that and have been vocal on the issue which hasn't made one bit of difference.  That's one reason why at one point I even had a quick consensual fling with someone else during that time... so I could get the point across... I was not going live my life according to his rules.   And let's get real... if he really wanted to find a willing girlfriend or even a one night stand he's had plenty of opportunities to find someone that would... but he has spent years focused on someone that wouldn't.  Why do you think that is?  It has nothing to do with his looks or status as he likes to blame.  In fact to my knowledge he has never made the first move with a female whom he said he was attracted to.  Not once.   

When King Richard's mom sold her house in 1997, (the same year I bought mine) instead of asking me if he could live with me, he choose to use guilt as the means to obtain entry.  I did feel guilty back then because of the Cramerton incident which cost him $5000 but having a good roommate I could trust was important too.  Also of note here is, that while the incident in question was my fault, the reason it was even started was his need to get me in bed.  That was what the ecstacy was for and he thought it would help him in his mission... but it backfired.  Do those long gone friends who recommended that approach to him even know what they were attempting to help him with?  Based on the story they got, I can understand why they would think it would have helped, but because I didn't want to sleep with him in any form or fashion that could have been considered a form of date rape.  Were they okay with being used as an accomplice if things turned ugly?  Think about that especially if you have kids now.  And let's not forget about the good old cousin lawyer who was willing to knock a little off the bill if I knocked boots with him.  Yeah... real classy bunch right there... even if King Richard was offended by that too.  So later on when King Richard lived with me for 10 months and during that time when the games were at there peak, he started to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home.  Probably like I am doing to him right now and it is also a conscious decision... but I'm not playing any games.

Even back then King Richard wasted a lot of money because he could and I couldn't because I had obligations and Trey.  He fussed about the high cost of living like it was my fault and I already lived on a shoe string budget.  And to be clear here he was still hustling on top of his day job... in my house.  Up until that point in time I had observed his other friends taking advantage of him for a lot of money over the years and he seemed okay with it because he kept letting them do it over and over again... while he complained about it!  In fact when I asked him why he kept on doing it he then said oh it'll be alright... like it was no sweat?  But as far as I can tell, he only told me that I was the one taking advantage of his kindness because he bought more and better dinners than I did in addition to the car repairs.  I had even tried to go on a date once and King Richard did his best to show up at the house just before the guy was to arrive to spoil the evening.  I didn't tell him about it for that reason and because I wanted to see if I liked the guy first before I introduced him.  But he just couldn't stand the fact that I was doing what I wanted to do and not what he wanted me to do.  I finally asked him to leave my house back then because it was time for him to get a dose of the real world where everything cost money and it was a whole lot harder than he pretended it would be.  So he left and then bought this house we are both in today.  I thought that being a home owner would give him a sense of accomplishment as well as an education, because I got one.  His mom gave him all the old furniture from the old house when she bought new and he was set.  

A few months later when I had another problem with the GrandAm, King Richard agreed to look at it.  I had been a paying customer for a while by this time and not many people know that either...  That is when he would let me pay and those that knew him back then, understand what I mean.  Why did I ask him for help again?  Well King Richard was a great mechanic when he decided to be and he had already done most of the work on this car and knew it's history.  Anyway I had already explained what the car was doing or more like making the noise it made and he must have called 2 or 3 times asking me to do the noise or ask again what the car was doing.  The last call happened while I was on the phone with an electrician and I asked if he would call me back.  Well around 11 pm that night I finally got him to answer the phone.  He came and picked me up to take me to my car at the shop which was about a 7 minute ride.  On the way there he told me that because I didn't make time for him when he called, he quit working on my car and pushed it outside.  He said he was tired of being my hey boy and I could kiss his ass.  

I had him stop the truck while still a few blocks away and got out screaming at him what a lousy bastard he was among other things and told him I was glad I had decided to never sleep with him and it would be cold day in hell before I would even talk to him again.  This was at least the third and the last time he had hung me out to dry in this fashion and to this day feels no problem with that.  Now I'm not proud of my out burst because it really had nothing to do with the car itself but I felt pushed beyond the limits that day and I knew even then he had a way of pushing every button to get this response.  So I traded cars and signed on for a 5 year car payment, then Marvelous reentered the picture in 1999.  I hadn't seen King Richard  at all until he came to check out the new dude maybe a year and half later and by that time things seemed like they were back to normal, so that cold day in hell came quicker than I expected.  King Richard also showed up for every break up with him too and enjoyed the entertainment to the max.    

Roughly 10 years later in 2007 I had assumed we had gotten over the issues because we both were older and it never even crossed my mind that it would become one again.  He was dating Ariel after all and looked like he had moved on.  He even told me several times that he was glad he and I didn't hook up and that the friendship was more important.  I was really proud of him when he took that step to owning a business because I knew the amount of work that was needed to make it happen.  Even if it took him 20 years. ;) Then I learned that the business was basically gift wrapped and dropped in his lap almost immediately after he started, when AB gave him most of his clients.  Y'all have heard the story... you know how this all started.  When he told me he needed a little help with the paperwork he meant hunt, collect, sort, repeat and take on the whole thing by myself.  I'm not kidding when I tell you I had to turn the whole house, cars and trucks (right side) up just to find all the little scraps of paper that were everywhere.  Then the worst happened when Trey died.  During the time when all the family and friends were showing up at the house just after,  King Richard shined in that moment and kept all the people occupied and that was worth it's weight in gold.  He also attended several memorials around the county and was a big help keeping some of the teenagers calm.  Which brings us to about three and a half years ago and this was what was going on during that time leading up to me moving in with him again.  

We went to the beach for a few days in May of 09 shortly after I got here so we both could get a break and that's when he hired his first driver. So let's recap the timeline: I started helping him with the books and setting up the business in my old home around the beginning of 08, Trey died in March of 08, I got back to his business sometime in June or July and learned how to do basic accounting then Quickbooks.  He did give me a few hundred dollars to get started but I was pretty much left alone to figure his company out.  I still felt I had something to repay though for all the car repair work he did in the beginning and the help throughout the funeral... but I wanted a job.  In 09, I came to  King Richard before I even moved in and asked if he could pay me about $800 a month, I'd do the company books, sort personal bills and paperwork, clean his house, run the errands and do all the laundry so I could stay in my house.  He said no he wasn't interested in any of that.  

Later I asked King Richard one last time after I moved here if he would help with the mortgage payments until I could get new renters or made other arrangements.  I explained that credit was everything and if I lost my rating I'd lose my ability to be bonded and insured which would allow me a chance of getting a job later down the line.  I explained it was temporary and I was only willing to give it a few more months because I didn't want to waste money if there was no hope and that he would be repaid when the law suit settled... no matter the outcome.  I also said at this crossroads either we were all in or all out to get the property sold or rented over the next few months because to do it any other way, was going to be so expensive that it would cause further hardship.  I knew it was a lot to ask but he had lent another long time friend of his about $4000 and didn't get paid back.  So my promise to pay him back fell on deaf ears.  Again he said no and told me I didn't need credit to stay here and work for him but he gave me $500 to fix the shower in the downstairs bathroom while the renters were there.  Once the foreclosure process was in the final stages he then asks me if I'm sure this was what I wanted to do?  Once it was too late to do anything then he pretends like he would have helped me if I had only asked.   And now many months later he says that he didn't even remember anything about the lawsuit... despite the comments he would make whenever one of those green and white envelopes would show up in the mail.  Do you see a pattern yet? 

Before I even moved in while we were really talking I explained that I was done living that 24 hours a day life style with the phone being an ever present appendage and why in so many different ways to get him to understand that while I was willing to help a lot...  I wasn't willing to do all the jobs that were needed from office managing, bill collecting to dispatching to receptionist to personal assistant to... on top of what I was doing already.  When I choose to learn how to do the books it was because it was solitary work that could be done out of the home and alone.  It's also why I worked at night and slept during the day.  The person who does these other jobs will be shackled to the phone and him as well... so I was clear I wasn't interested in that life... even if he thought I was weird.  I wasn't interested in drama of any sorts which was why I wasn't dating anyone, period but he could go on about his life leaving me to do the same.  I let him know that at some point in the future I would be hitting the road in an RV because it was a life long dream that was becoming more of a way I wanted to live.  The only remaining questions at this time was when and how.  The biggest lesson I learned was that all the I time wasted on being a private investigator as well as all the dumb decisions I had made cost me the most important person in my life. There is not enough money on planet earth to undue that lesson and he just can't understand because money means everything to him.  

When I brought my beautiful dog Gus into the house I was happy that King Richard had changed his long time view on animals which was they eat and don't work and were of no use.  But he fell in love with the little guy and when I mentioned I wanted A litter of puppies from Gus while I was still grieving for Trey, he jumped right on that idea.  In a matter of a few months he had searched, located and we brought Lily home.  That's when he continued to think and talk like we.. meaning I... were going into the business of dog breeding... which we were not because I am not selling flesh of any kind nor was I going to allow these dogs to be used in that way. Never mind the fact that they sleep with me and we are all cramped in this small room or we have no training in raising dogs.  He wasn't happy about that because he was looking for yet another opportunity to oversee someone elses work while collecting the profits for a minimum investment.    

Lily is a sweet dog but she is highly nervous and after researching about training methods I found that she wouldn't be a good candidate for mothering puppies which is really sad but I still love her for her wiggly little self anyway.  But King Richard didn't want to hear that or have her fixed so we didn't at first.  As for Gus he likes to travel and does it well.  He misses me taking him places and doesn't really understand that it is harder to take them both any where because of Lily's nervousness.  It was also really wonderful around here when she went into heat and bled for about six weeks and then Gus would lose his mind until it was over.  I did try to keep the dogs contact down during this time and only hoped that he wouldn't "hook 'em up" while I was away.  During those times I had to listen to King Richard commensurate with Gus loudly and repeatedly just to let me know how he felt... without ever telling me directly.  This situation was worked out only because I made an appointment for Lily to be neutered in January because the poor girl had been bleeding for about 3 months by this time.  That is way too long for anyone to endue that so I made the decision for him.  Conversely I have asked repeatedly for King Richard not to feed my dog from the table at least until we are done because I didn't want the dog whining throughout the meal.  He said it'll be alright and continued to do so til the day I left while he complained about the dog whining. 

When I first moved in I worked hard on getting King Richard's place and office in working order with the small amount of money that was available and I provided most of the office furniture, a computer and many supplies from my home as well.  I also upgraded many things in this household from my old home and had much more that could have been used here if only he would have made a little time.  I was also really trying to do a good spring clean on this nasty house.  After a week and a half I ran out of steam with all the cleaning and had to focus on so many others things that needed attention.  Before I got back to it... it looked as if I hadn't even made a dent at all.  For 3 years... in 08 before I moved in - 09 - 10... I worked to pay back all the debts to him and later for room and board when the ueb ran out sometime near the middle of 2010.  When Trey's law suit also settled in mid 2010, I loaned him a large amount of money to buy the second flatbed truck to save interest payments in addition to asking him again to not tell anyone.  I was not doing it for the glory or for the recognition which is something he is not used too.   And again he told several people because he just can't be quiet.

I told King Richard that if he choose to move to a better location he could use that money, he was to repay me to cover my part in the upgrades to any place we moved to... within a reasonable amount of time, of course.  I would not however be investing any money into this present location for many reasons but the obvious was he had let it go for 12 years and it needs a lot of work... none of which he was interested in doing either.  The irony is that's the stuff I love to do and creating is a part of who I am.  Another fact is the point about the economy tanking was a central point of my discussion that sparked these idea's that we were running out of time to make a decision.  I made the offer to stick with this company and invest into both of our futures and was willing to wait on my dream until things were established... and we both were making good money.  A fact he clearly stated was... he wanted this as well... but this would  later be conveniently forgotten as many of these things are.  I didn't want to buy into the company at any time, only part of the personal property if we had moved because I thought it was the fair thing to do... and I wanted my space.  Ultimately it was his choice and I had been waiting ever since, for him to make any decision about the direction he wanted to go.     

Up until this point, King Richard also kept asking me to go places with him whether it was a family function, riding the bike, car shows, bike swaps, towing museums, or just out to eat and I kept telling him no and then asking him not to bother with it because I was happy being at home and being quiet.  Every time he asked it made me feel bad because I wasn't trying to hurt his feelings.  But that bothered him a lot because he keeps telling me now that we used to be close and we aren't any more.  Which is so true but that happened so long ago and it tells me that since he hasn't even bothered to notice it until now, just how little he pays attention to things outside of himself... when it suits him of course.  It's almost like he had made being close in what ever way possible a condition to the continued arrangement here, but again not coming right out and saying it.  And by arrangement I mean getting paid to do all the other work I do.      

About April of 2012 when I started hanging out with another friend from the old days, Spunky... things became really weirder than ever.  If you'll remember she was the woman who introduced me to King Richard all those years ago and over time we became closer.  Well, at the beginning King Richard said he was happy about it but later showed he was not happy that I was getting out of the house.  He then stated that he was tired of missing out on life and since I wouldn't go any where with him... he'd just call Ariel.  Again the irony is he had spent much of his youth doing exactly what he wanted to do unlike myself and it seems as if I had made it here just in time for his mid life crisis.  Great.  Ariel was a good friend of mine... before I introduced her to King Richard.  She was his second sexual partner and their on again off again romance was so much harder on her than it was for him.  She cared and he didn't no matter how much drama she caused.  And he talked about their private sex life in detail as well as the first lady he lost his virginity to at the age of 42... with anybody, any where, anytime and it made me oh so glad that I never opened myself up to that.  I can only hope there aren't any pictures or videos floating about because that poor girl would be humiliated beyond belief.  And to be clear he asked both of us to move in with him at different times for different reasons which were totally lost on me at the time so I'm sure she didn't have a clue what he was trying to do, either.   

King Richard's step mom had just died so they had started talking again because of this and he learned Ariel was trying to stay sober.  He then told me that he still wasn't serious about her but at least he could "go a few rounds with her" and then go on his merry way.  I got really mad because if she was trying to get sober... he would blow that right out of the water by using her again and I told him so.   So of all the women he could "date" he had to bring her back into the mix and she comes with a lot of drama which would be hard on us all.  Just like the old days when I watched him verbally pit two people against one another because it was fun, only now he wants 2 women fighting over him?  Really dude... especially when I didn't even want the prize?  I felt so bad because I introduced them and then found out later that he pretty much made her choose between him or me... because he told me... and he told her I was his ex girlfriend...sorta?  We all knew how Ariel felt about best friends hooking up with boyfriends and he used that as a way to bend her to his rules.  She choose him and that was another reason my friendship with her ended.  But then later King Richard ended their relationship when Ariel started to require more time and effort because if it ain't easy he ain't participating.  And he was clear that I could do the job for the business better than her so that tells you where his priorities were and he can be clear when he wants to be.  Then King Richard tells me... that Ariel told him... he would have to support me for the rest of his life and he told her he knew that.  Got all that?  He said... she said and round and round we go! 

Again in April, during that same conversation, I told him I wanted him to be happy and if he was ready for me to leave then all he had to do was say so.  He had been dragging his feet on any major decisions claiming every excuse in the book and now he was focused on what he was missing out on?  I was trapped in this situation and told him I felt it was time that he did some serious soul searching.  He wants the old glory days of running the streets with the cool kids instead of running this business he started and I want to go forward on the journey of life instead of constantly waiting on him to do something.  The excuses he brings up are the very things I had told him to look out for so we could work through or avoid altogether.  One excuse he told often was he didn't have any money but he still had mine, so that wasn't the problem... at all.  Any time I brought up the subject he would claim that I was always on his back about it and he was tired of getting his butt chewed out.  He then said I was treating him like he was retarded and for which I replied "I'll be glad to stop when you stop acting this way."  But in reality I am only trying what ever method I can to get through to him at this point and he is knew it.  Claiming I am treating him like he is retarded has become the new reason to ignore everything that is important here.       

I told King Richard to make a decision and if it was for me to leave then give me time to figure out what to do.  If I needed to go then he would have plenty of time to pay back the money slowly so it wouldn't be a drain on the business.  I understood that other people depended on him for a living and in no way wanted to jeopardize their future... it is him who does not understand that being a boss means being responsible for more than just yourself.   At this point I told him I was done with all the drama that I never wanted and had been down this road with him before.  Everything has to be negotiation and he is always looking for a way to beat the other person out of something, whether it be the $500 car stick or anything I personally think is important.  I told him I saw that he was unhappy and if he was bound and determined to make me unhappy as well... to just be honest with both of us and tell me that it was time to go.  He said and I quote: "Please don't leave me." To which I responded... "Up to you but if you can't make a decision one will be made for you... very soon."  The decision he needed to make was were we going to get this work done or were we going to talk it to death while he keeps playing these games?

When I was finally put on pay role in the beginning of 2011, I still used all that money to buy the supplies for the house, dogs and some for the business if I could and maintained that status until about June or July of 2012... until I finally got a small "raise".  Up until that time I had basically worked for smokes as I like to joke but I didn't have a problem with it at first because he was trying to expand the business... and he did.  He also kept adding trucks and found himself another toy to play with too when he bought the Vet.  For the record the more people he had to work for him the less he started doing.  I understood he was tired but the reason I was told he was hiring a second driver was because he needed to deal with some of the other stuff on his plate... but that wasn't happening very often.  Instead he was just hanging out here at the house cooling it in front of the tube while he directed the drivers. So after a while, I had gotten aggravated and stopped doing as much around the house, so I reduced it to just the basics.  He kept telling me what a basic guy he was so he started getting basic service.  In reality the "raise" really just let me pay for my own smokes instead of having to ask him for the money every time.  The irony of finally get "paid" about the amount I would have needed to stay in my own home was not lost on me but King Richard never gave it a thought. 

In the first of many problems he has now stated he had with this pay arrangement was with the tax refund check that came in May 2012.  He thought I should give it back to him for some reason although he didn't tell me what for, he did say that he thought he was only paying me to save taxes again.  I thought it was only for the first year and then I would finally be able to start saving money, even if it was just a few dollars.  It then started to become very clear that getting money to live on or save was going to be hard from here on out.  As an independent women this was starting to really wear on my last good nerve because it was wrong and I was working for this money.  Almost every dime I had was tied up in this business and I couldn't even go out and purchase some desperately needed clothes without his approval?  All the while he is stating that he doesn't want to make me feel like a second class citizen, while doing just that... no matter how many times he said "I appreciate ya".  Not only then did we have several conversations about the money I made through his company I let it be known that everyone including him had a raise and it was now my turn.  So when I finally got that small increase in "pay" it felt like it was my first real "check" to call my own.  For those of you who are curious I paid for my vehicle with almost the last of the money from the lawsuit, although he did locate it for me.  King Richard did buy the stainless steel pots and pans so I would cook for him more and an a/c unit to go in the bedroom but that was only after he noticed it for himself how hot it was because he didn't believe me when I told him.  

King Richard had told so many people he was looking to buy property for the business that he had all the little people in his group waiting on stand by to go to work immediately after the papers were signed.  He finally started to make some loose plans then he started thinking about searching for something suitable.  You may ask why I didn't help with the search and there were several reasons.  He was picky and it had to be zoned right which was a tricky property to find.  Add red tape and this city is not friendly to a small business much less ones that have a tendency to be vehicle related.  This was not going to be an easy thing to find and it would take a lot of time.  All three of the guys drive these roads everyday and when they saw a promising piece of property they could get the number and give it to King Richard.  Another reason is by this time I had spent a large amount of effort doing things for King Richard that was unused or discarded after I completed the work.  It taught me to not bother with certain things if they are just going to end up in the trash can.  Other little signs showed me his heart wasn't really in the search either so I didn't get my hopes up.  I figured if he was really serious about it then he would have to take the steps in that direction.  This was his company and his life so he needed to take charge and walk the walk.  While there were many other issues that needed to be addressed he choose to not focus on any of them until he found a place for the business. 

Since King Richard hired his first driver who we'll call Sir Know it All, and was an incredibly obnoxious man himself at times, King Richard has spent so much time arguing with the driver on who is the boss of this company instead of being the boss... that things started to go down hill with that as well.  I've had to listen to the whole thing wondering why this is more important to King Richard than actually handling business.  It got worse when the second driver was hired and then he started playing one against the other.  When asked about it he says that "I'm gonna teach Sir Know it All a lesson if it kills us both... that he isn't in charge by verbally abusing him just like he does me... I am gonna break him one way or the other"... When I pointed out that he hired this guy as entertainment and it was up to him to put a stop to the insanity he states that God put this guy in his life for a reason and the reason must be to learn patience... (?)  So you see there was no point in explaining that it wasn't his job to break the will of others nor was it in the best interest of anybody else that happened to be around or associated with it... but I tried.  There is so much more that can be said about this situation and his business practices that I could post a whole other page detailing the greed and absurdity that happens now on a regular basis but that's not all I'm trying to convey here.   It is however the very reason why the world is so hard for every single one of us.  Again it's something that is totally lost on him as he himself complains about all the other greedy bastards out there.

The little bit of good King Richard does now is done in front of a lot of people so he can get the most mileage out of it and if he can work the business in all the better because he gets two for one on the publicity.  These are things like toy runs on the bikes with as many of his peeps he can round up to helping on the advisory board at the school close by.  Conversely the friend of his who's house burned down was lucky to get a couple pair of pants and a few dollars when he needed it most.  It's sad to see this same man now back in rotation who has his own teenage son to care for, ask for parenting advice or any other from King Richard.  He doesn't see he is also being used to make King Richard's life easier at his expense and because of his situation.  If he is ever hired to work even part time, he's in for a treat and I hope he'll be okay with the breadcrumbs that will be thrown his way for his efforts.  In fact King Richard just said the other day that "we" need to hire a few more flunkies around here.  His old name back in the day for you guys were beats, short for dead beats.  Just thought you'd like to know... and yes he even thinks I am now one to a certain extent.  And the reason King Richard will even hire another driver is so he can do even less work at the end of the day.  Looking back on all the good he has done in the past puts a whole new spin on it when you see why he does it.  King Richard clearly understands how hard it is to find people who can do what he does and he has used his abilities as a way to keep people coming back to him.  Now I see that when he was doing things that were considered nice he was doing it in the hopes of impressing people especially me for a while at least.  At the end of the day that's what this is all about... impression management... but the story continues... 

 11b. The other side of the story II >>>>>