<<<<< Volume 1. Vol. 2.>>>>> 1. The Weirdness Within, 2. The Uncomfortable Consumer,
3. Technology, Me and Programs, 4. When will we ever learn?, 5. Sex, drugs and smoking,
6. Suppression Equals Depression, 7. Practicing Awareness, 8. Long Distance Friendships During War, 9. Away we go, 10. Children and Pit Bulls at Christmas, 11. The other side of the story...I & II, 12. The things that divide us, 13. Getting a plan together and a Garden, Click the links within the post to see the relevant stories, pictures or videos and thanks for stopping by!
You know even as I grow older I am still surprised by the choices that others make. One reason is they usually don't take into account all the information available and would rather turn the proverbial blind eye to any evidence to the contrary. I've written about living in denial before but it seems to be becoming the way most people have chosen to go. I can't do that no matter how much they might want me too. So when my new old friend Spunky and I started hanging out, I made sure to explain why I do the things I do. Over time it seemed like we were in similar situations with so few others who we could really count on, that it was a blessing that we reconnected. I know I needed someone to talk to about life and the timing of the friendship seemed like it was right. But as always nothing is as it seems and for a while I was left wondering... just what happened.
In some ways we had a lot in common like both being from alcoholic families who were raised in the trailer park to being attracted to the wrong kind of men. We both were tired of that and trying to change the type of friends we made. When I started to research the diet and health stuff, she was a great motivator when it came to finding something that worked. We talked about the world many times and why things are the way they are. We talked about the decisions we both made that led us to where we are today and that's when it became clear that while I had a problem with accepting the status quo, she was quicker to go along with it. It really broke my heart one day when she said she never knew there was anything different or even better out there, which was why she never looked for it. But Spunky was more aware of herself now and that it a rare thing these days. It is the means to understanding our role in this cosmic drama we have agreed to.
Spunky had come a long way from where she started and I admired her for the tenacity it took. She even over came her fear of talking with me about Trey because she was a parent too. That took a lot and I'll always be grateful because not a lot of people get over the fear that a tragedy could rub off on them just by association. She shared a lot of things with me that she hadn't with too many other people and because of that I shared a lot of what I've detailed in this blog with her. She felt trapped by her current situation and I could certainly understand that feeling all too well. But for me at least there is always a way out... even if you haven't found it just yet... keep looking. Where there is a will, there is a way. But I made a mistake by thinking she was looking for a way out of her situation instead of a way to make it easier. While I do understand the difference I don't understand the need to pretend you want something that you don't want.
As I said here I noticed things got weird around the house when we first started hanging out. I just couldn't put my finger on what it was, but my roommate seemed to know things that Spunky and I had talked about. It would be a problem I had with him that I explained to her and later my roommate would make a comment on it out of the blue... like he knew. Maybe she thought she was helping with the situation by giving my roommate advice but she had no clue that the advice would be used in a way that would hurt me in the end. No matter how much I explained that living with a narcissistic individual was like living with a two year old toddler from hell, she really didn't have the knowledge first hand to relate and for that I understand. But when the rubber met the road and it came time for her to make a choice when it came to our friendship or the service my roommate can provide she chose the service. My roommate put her in that situation and she didn't even see it coming... even after I warned her.
Whatever my roommate said to her when he took her home that last night was enough to make her change her mind about me and she said that there is always two sides to every story. I used to believe that too when I thought that all people have souls and morality but as I've come to realize that when you have two stories... one a subjective version and the other a complete fabrication based on no evidence and the word of a man with much to lose... then any middle ground you are searching for will still be riddled with inconsistencies and farther from the truth than ever. The change in the relationship was gradual but that was the end for me because this wasn't a contest and there would be no winners at the end. When I hugged her good bye that day I knew our friendship was over but it took me a bit to write it out and explain why. She responded that we didn't agree about my roommate and that was true because we didn't have too... it wasn't a condition of our friendship that we agree. But the thing she didn't realize was she didn't have to live with the consequences of his actions like I do. The letter I sent her was not even focused solely on my roommate but mostly about how I saw our friendship. She said she felt the loss...and that was that.
Having more time to think about things I began to wonder just what her intent was. I mean I do understand that she was in a hard situation because she wanted to remain friends with us both. That's one reason why I made sure not to put her in any position that would make her choose. I did vent quite a lot to her over our time together as I was trying to figure out what was going on with my roommate. Now I can realize that I shouldn't have done that for many reasons but the main one is she thought highly of my roommate much as I had done in the beginning. I also began to feel like I was being babysitted much like my roommate had suggested in the beginning when he told her to come by the house anytime to see me. I have felt that feeling of people trying to pass me off to another person without trying to hurt my feelings before and this felt like the same thing. The bad part is I don't need to be babysitted, I do alright on my own.
That also reminded me of the conversation we had about my parents situations and the fact that I really have no one to depend on in life, other than myself. I'm not sure if the concept was something she couldn't rap her brain around or if she was looking for a way to help me out of this house for my roommates benefit or mine. It wasn't until after she quit working that I begin to see how little effort she put into finding time for the things that she said were important to her. I also saw that she had no problem using others to meet her needs and it was the same problem I have with my roommate. I realized that I was the one who put a lot more effort into this friendship and was starting to fall behind on the things I needed to do for me. I didn't mind the effort I put in because the things we talked about and our friendship was important so I made time. But it became clear that she wasn't honest about her intentions. I understand that we can remain where we are while dreaming of being awake. It takes actions done consistently and with purpose to even attempt to wake up from this illusion we call life. I made a mistake in trying to awaken someone who was not ready to apply the lessons to real life... when it counts the most.
I also came to see that Spunky had many people in her life that cared for her and I pointed that out to her too. I hope at least I could help her see that for herself so she could appreciate them while they are here. I gave my friend time and resources that I hope she'll use to find her way... if she chooses. Most of all I gave my friend the room and the ability to make her own choices and I hope that she will remember that too. This whole situation was a tough one from the beginning and Spunky is not to blame for the problems I've had with my roommate nor is she to blame for trying to walk that tightrope. When she made her choice to put what my roommate could do for her above our friendship, I knew she didn't understand anything we had talked about this far. That day was my sign that our friendship was not based on the truth I have been seeking and for that I'm not sorry. That's what I was really asking for all along. The bottom line is if you can't be real then there is nothing left to do but walk away. I am sorry for any hurt I caused because I don't want to hurt anyone. There is enough of that already in the world.
A few months later went by and my roommate said nothing about her which made me wonder just what she told him about us but later he said to me that Spunky just told him I don't love her anymore... and left it at that. I mean what else can she say to him without revealing the whole truth? Not much but she knows I still love her and that had nothing to do with what happened. I miss her and the connection I thought we had. But after some time I've come to understand that everything happens in it's own time and for it's own reasons, whether we are aware of them or not. Understanding that my time here in this area was limited at this point and when I leave, I want to really make a fresh start with a clean break from all that is around here... is the underlying reasons for much of what I do. People around here will always associate me with being a childless parent, a friend of my roommates or any of the crazy exes I've been with and there is so much more to me, to my life and my future... than that. I just have to realize it and that is hard to do here because so many people are stuck in one place, mentally, physically and spiritually. That is what really divides us in the end...
13. Getting a plan together and a Garden >>>>>
3. Technology, Me and Programs, 4. When will we ever learn?, 5. Sex, drugs and smoking,
6. Suppression Equals Depression, 7. Practicing Awareness, 8. Long Distance Friendships During War, 9. Away we go, 10. Children and Pit Bulls at Christmas, 11. The other side of the story...I & II, 12. The things that divide us, 13. Getting a plan together and a Garden, Click the links within the post to see the relevant stories, pictures or videos and thanks for stopping by!
You know even as I grow older I am still surprised by the choices that others make. One reason is they usually don't take into account all the information available and would rather turn the proverbial blind eye to any evidence to the contrary. I've written about living in denial before but it seems to be becoming the way most people have chosen to go. I can't do that no matter how much they might want me too. So when my new old friend Spunky and I started hanging out, I made sure to explain why I do the things I do. Over time it seemed like we were in similar situations with so few others who we could really count on, that it was a blessing that we reconnected. I know I needed someone to talk to about life and the timing of the friendship seemed like it was right. But as always nothing is as it seems and for a while I was left wondering... just what happened.
In some ways we had a lot in common like both being from alcoholic families who were raised in the trailer park to being attracted to the wrong kind of men. We both were tired of that and trying to change the type of friends we made. When I started to research the diet and health stuff, she was a great motivator when it came to finding something that worked. We talked about the world many times and why things are the way they are. We talked about the decisions we both made that led us to where we are today and that's when it became clear that while I had a problem with accepting the status quo, she was quicker to go along with it. It really broke my heart one day when she said she never knew there was anything different or even better out there, which was why she never looked for it. But Spunky was more aware of herself now and that it a rare thing these days. It is the means to understanding our role in this cosmic drama we have agreed to.
Spunky had come a long way from where she started and I admired her for the tenacity it took. She even over came her fear of talking with me about Trey because she was a parent too. That took a lot and I'll always be grateful because not a lot of people get over the fear that a tragedy could rub off on them just by association. She shared a lot of things with me that she hadn't with too many other people and because of that I shared a lot of what I've detailed in this blog with her. She felt trapped by her current situation and I could certainly understand that feeling all too well. But for me at least there is always a way out... even if you haven't found it just yet... keep looking. Where there is a will, there is a way. But I made a mistake by thinking she was looking for a way out of her situation instead of a way to make it easier. While I do understand the difference I don't understand the need to pretend you want something that you don't want.
As I said here I noticed things got weird around the house when we first started hanging out. I just couldn't put my finger on what it was, but my roommate seemed to know things that Spunky and I had talked about. It would be a problem I had with him that I explained to her and later my roommate would make a comment on it out of the blue... like he knew. Maybe she thought she was helping with the situation by giving my roommate advice but she had no clue that the advice would be used in a way that would hurt me in the end. No matter how much I explained that living with a narcissistic individual was like living with a two year old toddler from hell, she really didn't have the knowledge first hand to relate and for that I understand. But when the rubber met the road and it came time for her to make a choice when it came to our friendship or the service my roommate can provide she chose the service. My roommate put her in that situation and she didn't even see it coming... even after I warned her.
Whatever my roommate said to her when he took her home that last night was enough to make her change her mind about me and she said that there is always two sides to every story. I used to believe that too when I thought that all people have souls and morality but as I've come to realize that when you have two stories... one a subjective version and the other a complete fabrication based on no evidence and the word of a man with much to lose... then any middle ground you are searching for will still be riddled with inconsistencies and farther from the truth than ever. The change in the relationship was gradual but that was the end for me because this wasn't a contest and there would be no winners at the end. When I hugged her good bye that day I knew our friendship was over but it took me a bit to write it out and explain why. She responded that we didn't agree about my roommate and that was true because we didn't have too... it wasn't a condition of our friendship that we agree. But the thing she didn't realize was she didn't have to live with the consequences of his actions like I do. The letter I sent her was not even focused solely on my roommate but mostly about how I saw our friendship. She said she felt the loss...and that was that.
Having more time to think about things I began to wonder just what her intent was. I mean I do understand that she was in a hard situation because she wanted to remain friends with us both. That's one reason why I made sure not to put her in any position that would make her choose. I did vent quite a lot to her over our time together as I was trying to figure out what was going on with my roommate. Now I can realize that I shouldn't have done that for many reasons but the main one is she thought highly of my roommate much as I had done in the beginning. I also began to feel like I was being babysitted much like my roommate had suggested in the beginning when he told her to come by the house anytime to see me. I have felt that feeling of people trying to pass me off to another person without trying to hurt my feelings before and this felt like the same thing. The bad part is I don't need to be babysitted, I do alright on my own.
That also reminded me of the conversation we had about my parents situations and the fact that I really have no one to depend on in life, other than myself. I'm not sure if the concept was something she couldn't rap her brain around or if she was looking for a way to help me out of this house for my roommates benefit or mine. It wasn't until after she quit working that I begin to see how little effort she put into finding time for the things that she said were important to her. I also saw that she had no problem using others to meet her needs and it was the same problem I have with my roommate. I realized that I was the one who put a lot more effort into this friendship and was starting to fall behind on the things I needed to do for me. I didn't mind the effort I put in because the things we talked about and our friendship was important so I made time. But it became clear that she wasn't honest about her intentions. I understand that we can remain where we are while dreaming of being awake. It takes actions done consistently and with purpose to even attempt to wake up from this illusion we call life. I made a mistake in trying to awaken someone who was not ready to apply the lessons to real life... when it counts the most.
A few months later went by and my roommate said nothing about her which made me wonder just what she told him about us but later he said to me that Spunky just told him I don't love her anymore... and left it at that. I mean what else can she say to him without revealing the whole truth? Not much but she knows I still love her and that had nothing to do with what happened. I miss her and the connection I thought we had. But after some time I've come to understand that everything happens in it's own time and for it's own reasons, whether we are aware of them or not. Understanding that my time here in this area was limited at this point and when I leave, I want to really make a fresh start with a clean break from all that is around here... is the underlying reasons for much of what I do. People around here will always associate me with being a childless parent, a friend of my roommates or any of the crazy exes I've been with and there is so much more to me, to my life and my future... than that. I just have to realize it and that is hard to do here because so many people are stuck in one place, mentally, physically and spiritually. That is what really divides us in the end...
13. Getting a plan together and a Garden >>>>>
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