<<<<< Volume 1. Vol. 2.>>>>> 1. The Weirdness Within, 2. The Uncomfortable Consumer,
3. Technology, Me and Programs, 4. When will we ever learn?, 5. Sex, drugs and smoking,
6. Suppression Equals Depression, 7. Practicing Awareness, 8. Long Distance Friendships During War, 9. Away we go, 10. Children and Pit Bulls at Christmas, 11. The other side of the story...I & II, 12. The things that divide us, 13. Getting a plan together and a Garden, 14. >>>>> The End of the Story Click the links within the post to see the relevant stories, pictures or videos and thanks for stopping by!
Looking back, I think King Richard saw I meant what I said when I started to do more for myself whether it be hanging out with Spunky or trying to research things that were important to me and my dreams. I had suggested Spunky to King Richard to handle the phones at first and he thought it was a good idea, then talked to her making arrangements with her to work with me to learn the basics. So Spunky finds a piece of property but the city won't sell it, then there was another place he looked at and then the last piece of property she found was looking really promising. The negotiations started, the deal was struck and it was looking like we might be moving the office out of the house. When it came down to the wire King Richard sent the check but not before saying... "I'm only doing this because all you mofo's have been pushing me to do something, and if this fails... it's all y'alls fault!." Spunky heard that part over the phone but not the next after I hung up when I told him... hold up. "Do not make this deal if you are going to blame everyone else. This is your decision and no one elses so if you don't feel comfortable then don't go through with it... and it was you who has spent so much time baiting the little people in the circle, including me with this move that you have no one to blame but yourself." He sent the check despite not checking the zoning laws himself through an attorney or the attorney didn't catch it. The deal was canceled, he was refunded and that was the end of the search and effort he applied. My June trip out of town with Spunky didn't help matters either because I was doing what he wanted to do... but couldn't... or wouldn't rather.
This is when the complaints about how much money I spent on supplies started in earnest because I like to stock up on the things we all use everyday... never mind the fact that since I've been here I have spent the remaining $4000 from my savings account to pay for many of the things I needed and some things that were needed around here. I have learned to be prepared and having extra on hand makes all the difference especially when times get tight or bad weather knocks out the power. I rotate the food and try to keep up with what's being used. I ask him what he wants or needs and he says surprise me. I guess at what he'd like, then he complains on what I buy? I buy him stuff to eat lunch at home, because he asked me too, then I'd throw it away because it wouldn't get eaten, and then he fuss about me throwing away food. I even told him to cancel everything but the basic cable he likes because I'm not watching television much and it would save him money. He told me that I don't work as hard as "the boys" or as long as they do... so that justifies his actions? Those boys make a lot more money than I do and the one thing they have is time off from him. There is very little time off from King Richard in this position here.
Despite the trips paid for from my own money except for the gas, I don't really go out that much and he is well aware of that fact. I am also pretty efficient when it's time to get things done because I don't want to waste a lot of time or effort. He does not practice being prepared in any manner nor is he efficient and now makes it seem like I'm wasting his money... and his time. He will not appreciate the fact that most of this stuff I am handling is his and even if it isn't why must I justify my every expense? Again he misses how much money he has wasted by leaving the trucks parked where they can and do get broken into. By constantly paying bills late with all the fees attached or by buying those $100 dinners for the guys to show his appreciation, he has shown no problem handing out money. He even pays people to go away in a sense. If they borrow and don't come back then he looks at it as a win win. My point to the money thing is this: he has made at least twice as much as me in the past and way more now. If I could do all the things I was able to do with half the money in the past, then why can't he now... even with help? I think he remembers how well I used to handle all the little details in life and expected me to handle all his little details... as if it were my life. Never mind the fact the he has tied my hands at almost every turn by denying me the resources and ignored all information that would have helped make all of our lives easier and it really is his responsibility at the end of the day to handle his job and life.
Over the last few months talking with Spunky confirmed most of my suspicions about what King Richard has said about our whole relationship over the years. She wasn't really around much toward the end of the first run so I filled her in on the other side of the story. Although King Richard started out talking quite highly of me at first both times he would then later twist or retract almost everything he stated. The ironic part isn't lost on me that I've done the very same thing here. Another example of how people like this can bring out the best or the worst in us and sometimes you must still make a stand. King Richard used to be pretty good about not uttering a direct and verifiable lie although he had spent years implying that we had a romantic relationship to the circle of friends and carried on like it was a fact... but it was a lie of the biggest kind. During our so called relationship back then he led them all to believe I was stringing him along about the sex and treated him like he was the transition man... between relationships and was just using him for my own personal gain. He still thinks this even now after everything that has been detailed in this post and the whole blog itself. For those who know us... this is for you to decide. If you weren't one of the ones who he talked to then you are either family or just weren't in rotation at the time.
King Richard has blamed everything else like the men in my life to my mother and father for the way I am and the fact that I wouldn't see him for what a nice, caring guy he thinks he is. Never mind the fact that if I was looking for a relationship it would be with a caring, capable, and collinear man...something which was completely lost on him. He even told me once that he rarely felt guilty about anything because he felt he didn't do anything wrong. The fact the he along with the rest of us are plenty guilty because we all have done things wrong from time to time... but he never sees anything wrong with his actions or his words. He has made comments on my parenting skills and always said that if he'd have been in my position he would have raised Trey. He always had opinions about what he would do... and a few months after Trey died when I told him that my one true reason for living was gone. He loudly yelled that I could cut that out in front of a few other people who were around... like Trey's death shouldn't bother me as bad because he didn't live with me. I guess it never occurred to him that I was focused on the future without Trey and not the past at that moment in time. That callous remark will be with me to the very end and it should have been my sign. He still wonders why I get depressed from time to time.
I know this is King Richard's house and he can do whatever he needs to do here. But his desire to spend all his time with people whether it be to ride with him in the truck, motorcycle or just to hang out here at the house shows he doesn't like to be alone. Being sociable or having a companion is a good thing and I got zero problems with others that want to do it. In fact networking is vital when it comes to sharing information in the world we live in but this here is different. He uses networking as a way to divide and conquer each of us so we always suspect the others of any wrong doing... but not him. Here the phone rings constantly and loudly. He talks on two headsets constantly and loudly sometimes pacing down the hall past my room during a call. Only when he is talking to customers directly does he use the very helpful voice which is a bit softer than normal but oozing with professionalism. Then this man spends hours a day negotiating with the drivers on who goes where and it gets worse than The Three Stooges at times doing a Laurel and Hardy routine... and he wouldn't have it any other way. Now I hear him tell his friends that need a tow that they shouldn't be asking him to work for nothing because he's gotta survive too. His words are, "show me some love"or "you gotta get your heart right"... to him love means money and heart means wallet.
Again the irony is not lost on me that it is exactly what King Richard expected me to do for him...which is work for free. When I pointed that out, he looked at me as if I had lost my mind and still cannot figure out what my problem is to save his life. I've heard all the stories a 1000 times and am so burnt out on car talk or his severely limited view on life that instead of giving me a break with it when I asked he simply starts each conversation with... "I know you don't want to hear this but I'm gonna tell it to ya anyway..." If I start talking about anything other than cars or the job he interrupts the flow of conversation and my train of thought and directs the conversation back onto himself and his needs. Reminds me of back in the day when he would constantly interrupt me to keep asking what certain words meant instead of trying to find the meaning in the context of the sentence or waiting until I finished to clarify a word. He never caught on that I was tired of him interrupting when I learned to tell him to "look it up" while continuing on with my sentences. You'd have to be interested in what I have to say and let's face it he hasn't heard me yet. And I can tell when he is talking to a woman on the phone because the voice and tone he uses are the same ones I heard in the beginning. The lines are the same and even though he hasn't said anything to me about anyone in particular he is obviously trying to find a replacement in what ever capacity. Good luck to the next one!
When it's not business King Richard is calling every member of the group to check in or coordinate lunch or some other daily functions on a regular basis or sometimes it's just a customer service rep to give them a piece of his mind. Scott also likes to poll his friends on decisions he has already made, not to be sure he is doing the right thing but because he likes talking about what he CAN do. I used to mistake that as looking for advise but I was wrong... that's bragging. In fact this man talks more about doing anything than ever actually doing it. If he does get something accomplished then he will talk all about that too. When he's bored he often goes and "aggravates" the neighbors or a buddy somewhere close by. And if there is no one left to talk to there is always the dogs... or himself. Not only do I hear the calls sometimes on speaker I get the in person face to face update as soon as the call ends. It's like living with Howard Cosell, that old sports announcer with instant replays and all playing on a CNN loop. The irony again here is he will come into my room to tell me how much another of his friends likes to talk so much he can't even watch the television for this guy talking. But when I tell him I can see his point and understand how aggravating that could be... it flies right over his head... all the while thinking he is leaving me alone... true story.
After the way he talks about the people in his group (myself included) you'd think they are all complete idiots, degenerates or disciples depending on the day and this has always been my clue about what kind of person he really was. And don't feel bad... I believed him at first too... so don't think I blame any of you for doing the same either. But to hear him talk, when all the racist, sexist, bigoted and ignorant ideas are pouring out of his head has been the biggest wake up call, and let's me know where I really stand without ever telling me directly. It is the oddest way of life I have seen in a while and because I am in the middle of the house there is no where for me to go to get away from the sound of his voice or the television on high or the banjo music just for fun. The only time it gets quiet around here is when he is trying to hide something and then it gets oddly quiet... you know like having a toddler in the house that gets quiet...quiet? At this point in time though I'll take the quiet however it comes. It was the number one reason I wanted to move or at least start working on this house. There is no privacy to even think in this house and that is what I needed more than anything.
My thinking bothers King Richard so much that he has even stated to me several times over the years "Don't read so much that you get too smart". I've been reading all my life and take in a lot of information when searching for an answer to a problem. When I was here playing a game on the computer in my spare time for 2 years, he had very little to say about my time in front of the computer. It was not until I started studying other interesting things like healing my heart to diet and health that he had a problem with it. The ironic part here is his arthritis and diabetes were what started the search on that topic which I spent hours on trying to find him some relief. I want to change my diet slowly and detox so I can have more energy and because I don't want to go through what he did. My only hope is to do it naturally because I am not going to a doctor unless it's an emergency. And no it is not celery stick and carrot juice diet. The only thing different is I don't cook grains like mac and cheese or Stove Top... unless he is here. He is trying to make it sound as if I'm trying to starve him or my cooking all of a sudden sucks. Not even close...well most of the time anyway. :) Another relevant fact is that he will eat a months worth of junk food in 3 days or less not to mention all the fast food he still ingests.
Since I started to change how I eat, King Richard now makes a big deal about certain foods that give him heartburn which are my favorites but I still try to avoid using them for him. Or he just complains about the way it's cooked, when it's served or how tired he is of eating something. Cooking was a privilege I did for him that was turned into a chore that has turned back into something I like doing... as long as he isn't here. But the fridge is usually stocked with leftovers if he feels like serving himself... but that is often too much work for him. King Richard would just as soon let his other friend cook for him and serve him as well... because it is easier than having to do it yourself. He also knows how important writing and studying for me is and thinks it is another useless endeavor in my life, because I don't get paid for doing it or it takes time away from him. But looking at it from another perspective is when King Richard became a problem that caused me to search on solutions to that problem... He knew his time would be limited before I found out just exactly what I was dealing with here.
Which leads me to King Richard's case of rheumatoid arthritis that started a quick spiral downward in his health which caused even more problems... because he refused to deal with it in any way... except walk the halls and moan for months and alternate between soaking in the bathtub and being bed ridden. It started when he had me take him to the emergency room for a boil on his leg after he had let it go for a long time. Then the pain started. He refused stuff from the Walmart... until he didn't. He refused natural remedies... until he didn't. He refused to go to the doctor until he finally made that first appointment. Even then he would not follow the directions any better than before and it wasn't getting any better... in fact he kept arguing with me about the med's so bad one night while he couldn't sleep... I finally told him "We are going to do this the easy way or the hard way, but you can bet we are going to do this..."
And King Richard was in pain but what I don't understand is this... is if he was in so much pain... why didn't he do what he needed to do or at least try it to alleviate some of the pain... sooner. I know when I was hurting that bad with teeth problems I'd be willing to try anything for a little relief. But not him. He would rather make a really big deal and a whole lot of noise instead of looking for relief. In fact during the worst part he told me and several others that when and if it got too bad he would just blow his head off and be done with it. You know the easy way out like everything else. And that ladies and gentlemen was the straw that broke the camels back as far as I'm concerned. It had been 3 years since I moved in and 2 years since he had been loaned the money, we had gone through the mid life crisis and slid right into geriatric ville without even slowing down. He was slapping on bandaids to every problem while taking care of none of them. We were just going in circles with no end in site and this towing business was turning into A Daycare for the Dumbasses and the Disabled.
During this time it showed me exactly what life would be like around here if he ever got disabled because he refused to prepare for anything, swearing he was living by the seat of his pants waiting on that winning lottery ticket to come in. On the outside it looked as if he were shutting down more mentally... then physically. He was wearing himself out over things that were of no concern to him instead of worrying about things he could do and it was catching up with him fast at this point. I think when he realized he had crossed a line with me he knew he had went too far but instead of doing anything to deal with the problems, he continued to agitate them. He still choose to ignore what his body was telling him and in the mean time was creating a larger mess all the way around, for everybody involved. The only problem was I was tired of being assigned clean up duty and the never ending grunt work as well. So once he became mobile again around September, I wrote him a letter telling him that I was calling in the loan and that it was time for him to make those arrangements. He can now use this as an excuse to the circle of friends and employees as a reason why he cannot move the business forward any further at this time. And he is trying to make it look like I ran out or ignored him in his time of need. That sure worked out handy for him... didn't it?
Another reason I am writing about it is... it hurts when you believe lies and it can effect many different things in your life when you do. The lies I believed at first were that he really was my friend, mature enough to live and work with as well as I had earned this man respect, if nothing else. In all actuality, he was never my friend to begin with and what I earned was a disrespect on a level I couldn't even imagine a few years ago... it is so subtle sometimes but ever present. King Richard has respect for no one... not even you. The lies he seemed to believe and express is that we are a couple one moment and I am nothing but an employee the next... depending on his motivation and his mood... notwithstanding facts and logic. He also thinks that when I leave here I am leaving with more than I came with despite all evidence to the contrary. He believes he has done me a great favor and bent over backwards for me by giving me something to do after Trey's death, so I should be grateful and "shut up". Really... that's the way it is around here. Conversely he has now stated that I needed something to do when I moved in... like: a) haven't I been saying so and trying to do just that and b) the real problems came when I started to do things that didn't have anything to do with him when he couldn't make up his mind and c) let's twist this all around one more time to make sure that he looks innocent in this whole situation. Then he also says that he can see I'm not happy here and once again he has taken the words right out of my mouth...and used them as his own.
A really important part I want to emphasize here is that King Richard has used pity against me as a reason for not telling me the truth or working with me in any way whatsoever. He has said plenty of times that because of Trey's death he didn't want to put me through anything more... all the while telling his friends and maybe his family that it was the reason he didn't want to ask me to leave. He didn't want to appear like the bad guy as usual so this is the way he used to do it. Out of everything here that has been the one thing that has pissed me off to no end because I have not asked for nor wanted his pity in any way and I have been looking for the truth all my life so that excuse holds no water when it comes to his behavior. The worst part is... it is a disgrace to Trey's memory to be used as a scapegoat for the actions of a grown man, who refuses to grow up and be a man. It also reminds me of when he would say all those years ago... that he would die for me... for which I would tell him... it is easy to die for what you believe in, try living with it for a change. Each of these phrases he uses are designed to make you feel like he cares for you but in reality he is manipulating you to submit. This is not love or even friendship in any way... no matter how much you sugar coat it. And this now brings me to the regret King Richard has for not having a family of his own.
King Richard likes to say he wasn't blessed with a family which means someone didn't just gift wrap one and drop it on his doorstop for him ready to go. I have watched him pretend it was a great sacrifice but in reality it was something he wasn't interested in... AT ALL. All this closeness he desires is supposed to be about sharing ideas and real thoughts with another human being. It cannot ever be that with him because his life is so full of him 24 hours a day... he has no room left for another person at all... friends, family or a romantic partner... real or imaginary... unless they serve him. Which is why he resorts to pity because that's all he has left at the end of the day. In other words he has become a full fledged hoover... someone who sucks the life out of you and this is one of the main tactics used. It was why I told him recently that if he kept it up, he would die a lonely old man and that may well be his undoing. I told him, I however am okay with dying alone because it sure beats being around people like him. Fortunately those aren't my only two choices nor is it my goal because I can see a better way... even if I can't get there from here. I also called him a shortened version of his first name as well, which seems appropriately chosen at this time.
There is a lot of history here and it was one of the reasons I trusted my so called friend to do the right thing at first. I had seen him do it on occasions and knew it was possible. He really was one of the oddest men on earth and is proud of that fact. Reading some about it here showed me that he was not so odd after all and there are many people just like him. The correct terminology would be narcissistic personality disorder if you're interested... but I'm no doctor. We all have a touch of it but some like him are severely impaired in this department. The potential I saw in my friend was just a mirror of what I saw in myself but he was also like a fun house mirror by reflecting my words and my dreams as if they were his own back to me and to others... without ever grasping the meaning of any of them. His agenda was to get the little lady in here and apply the pressure until she caved... it was the whole plan it seems and petty payback is the only thing left for denying him, at this point. Funny thing here is... it was him who has taken advantage of my kindness over the years all the while accusing me of doing the same thing. I had forgotten one of the rules of this game is to accuse others of what you yourself are doing first, so you can win at any cost. The term for that is called projection but when it's used to make you think you are the crazy one then it's called gaslighting.
A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:
* React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation - he uses deflection and denial - check
*Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals - check
*Have excessive feelings of self importance - check
*Exaggerate achievements and talents - check
*Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love - check
*Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment - check
*Needs constant attention and admiration - check
*Disregards the feelings of others and have little ability to feel empathy - check
*Have obsessive self - interest - check
*Pursue mainly selfish goals - check
Other signs you are dealing with a narcissistic person.
It was almost as if this man, I had known for 20 years had never met me before in his life... and vs/vs. Now to watch King Richard manipulate people to give him things that he wants, such as services, money or time makes him nothing but a man in love with the power... even if he sees nothing wrong with it. His self limitations are suffocating and he uses them to his advantage by collecting other people to do whatever is needed. Because I respect free will and value the people I care about in my life and not just until the job is done, this insults my soul. I wonder why it took me so long to see him for what he really is... a very disturbed character. And his biggest regret in life will always be that car that got away... not how much damage he has caused other people. At night he thanks Jesus for his bed and his food... not for any of the people in his life... all the while watching Joel Osteen preaching from the TV. With King Richard if you are not kissing his butt whenever he needs it or in my case 24/7 then he simply rotates you out and rotates another one in. I'm being rotated out as we speak because I didn't comply with the ever changing rules... but not before taking the time to cover his own ass at my expense. I can tell when that happened because it got quiet and then things finally started to get done... You know the ones that we discussed 3 years ago... ? And this is why he says we butt heads.
While this info has been bouncing around in my head for a long time, I didn't start writing it out until just after Thanksgiving 2012. At that time I had predicted that he would try to cut my pay to the bone in January because that's what it's all about with him... control the money and control the person. He has proved beyond a shadow doubt that he doesn't value me, my time or the amount of effort and money I have put into this business and friendship. Hell I've been paying back an imaginary debt to this man that was created by him for this very purpose. Cutting my pay isn't going to change the amount of effort he does except for washing his own clothes... maybe. He will let the house get just as nasty as it was before I came and expect me to just live with it or clean up after him for free because I doubt he has hired anyone to do that lovely job. He didn't understand that I was willing to put in as much effort as he was... but at the end of the day it has always been his choice, his business and his house. If he tries to cut my pay he will have also made sure that it will take the longest time for me to get out of here too. So it has cost me dearly to work for him, in so many ways...
The Saturday before Christmas I came home from some errands and he said again that we used to be considerate of each other. This was in reference to the fact that when I left for the vet that morning I left the gate open and his truck exposed to the zoning man should he decided to ride by. I said yes, we used to but you have no clue how to be considerate... so I stopped. After thinking about it for a minute I told him almost everything in this post... again and he came back with all the standard excuses that are a mainstay in his world. I then told him I got the feeling he was fixing to do something here soon and I'd like to know what it is, especially if it concerns me at all. He confessed he was going to cut my pay in January and put me back on a cash basis... as I thought... and I went off. His idea of cash basis meant that I could ask for money and he would say no sooner rather than later and that means... I'd be working for free in no time flat with him. I let him know I was going to go public to his circle of friends and family with ALL of this and you know what?... He asked what can "we" do to keep this from being a full on drama episode? Personally I think it is a little late to be worried about that... don't you? What he is worried about is you finding out who he really is because if that happens then he can't have any more fun at your expense... or make any money off you for starters. That was enough for the moment to get him to rethink and continue paying me... for now. Give him a bit I'm sure he think of something else... like this...
Now King Richard seems focused on pretending this whole thing has been about my inability to deal with the small stuff like him filling up the trashcan is really going to make me mad. Just like he still makes a big deal about a then $10 tub of laundry detergent when he left my house all those years ago. Those are the things that hold importance to him... not the value of a person or situation. He now also says that he just wanted to give me a place where I could be on my own so I could heal and again that is so far from the reality of the situation it's almost funny. The next lie King Richard told was I am not going to talk about this latest agreement to anyone... does he really think I believe him? And the last lie he told was I want us to part as friends. I thought to myself you'd have to be one first and sadly because I can't trust a word this man says any more is why I am going public with all this.
You may say that I'm being way too hard on King Richard and he doesn't deserve to have this all made public? Well King Richard choose to take this path instead of any other like leaving me out of the whole thing (save for the jobs I was doing) like I asked from the beginning or refusing the loan when I offered so I would know to plan for my dream earlier for example. Or at that time he could have made it clear that he wasn't interested in a non sexual relationship and I'd got out of here a whole lot sooner. Since I'm just starting to do that now it's going to be a whole lot harder for so very many reasons. And every dollar he repays is earmarked for jobs like new teeth, supplies and final arrangements, just to name a few. He knows this and because he willingly did everything he could do to make it as hard as he possible... he's pretty smug with himself. And remember the old friend that borrowed the $4000 and didn't pay it all back? Well King Richard talked so much junk about the guy for years to everyone so don't be fooled, the only reason I will be repaid the initial loan was because King Richard is afraid of the bad publicity, not understanding that was just the tip of the ice burg. And King Richard has already made this public and will continue to talk about this for years to come. And to paraphrase him... at least he'll have something to talk about now.
King Richard may tell you that he isn't smart enough to think this all out but he doesn't have to be smart... he just needs to be in control and that is the bottom line with him. He is not big and dumb... he just doesn't care. He had no problem asking his dad for the rest of the money to repay my loan, he's already got Sir Know it All lined up to do the paperwork and he's working on a play mate for Lily, another unfortunate soul who might be stuck here with a man who might forget she's even in the house. King Richard takes care of King Richard and thought he could count on his dad to bail him out of this mess he created... then gloated about it in the end... after denying it all those years. He changes his story to suit the person and the objective and not one person in his family had ever stood up to him in all the years I've known them. They too have allowed themselves to be bullied into silence about the things that really matter and I feel sorry for them... because they feel like have no choice... at least until now... And this one is a bit odd... well odder than normal :) When King Richard asked his dad for a loan for some reason it didn't go over very well. Then King Richard's attitude changed into a more agreeable one with me for another bit. But as usual that only last so long before another drama arises.
Maybe it had something to do when King Richards' dad was so deep in grief after losing his wife of 40 years and was considering suicide King Richards' response was "What ever ya want to do?... or... Call me if you need anything." or some such nonsense. He had to be told how cold and calculating that was before he tried to back petal on the position. To his dad: please don't assume that he didn't tell several people about this and I hope he showed you a bit more kindness than he implied. And to be clear this is the third time in a year and a half... men have threatened to take their own life... him, King Richard and my dad. I mean no disrespect but I've personally had enough of all who chose to "threaten" to take the easy way out of bad situations using this as the primary way to solve the problem... when all it does it create a lot a heartache and pain for the others like me who care. However his dad's situation was caused by deep hurt and loss, so I can truly relate to his feelings on that and there are many others in this world who really feel that it is the only choice left. Your suffering is not lost on me but King Richard however is losing touch with every decent part of himself that makes him a human being.
It is no secret that I have wanted out of this city for a very long time. King Richard's actions were designed to trap me here in this hell hole because it makes him happy to make others miserable. I have asked him several times over the last 6 months to handle some of the small things around the house such as replacing a broken light in the kitchen to going to the warehouse and stocking up on meat before the prices go up in January. He simply tells me yes to my face and then ignores it no matter how many times I mention it. We couldn't even agree to a garden later on in February and that's something he supposedly likes doing. He claimed I was taking it over when I asked if we could rotate the crops this year... so I've just decided to plant my own. This childish, emotionally stunted little man has no clue that I've been dealing with people who play the game so much better than him over the years... that he doesn't have a chance in hell of winning, because I'm not playing. I am the kind of person who can take a lot of crap but once I'm pushed into a corner, I come out fighting as if my life depends on it... because it usually does. At this point in time I don't have anything to lose and he has everything to lose.
I have watched this passive aggressive or covert aggression play out between my mom and dad all my life as I'm sure King Richard must have too. He was too good otherwise and let's face it... this man has spent an ungodly amount of time focused on what I'm doing, where I'm going and what I am working on... but it also kept my attention on him even if it was negative, it was better than nothing. That was time, energy and resources wasted that could have been spent on what he really wanted if it was important enough for him. He wants to pretend like he has done nothing wrong and it is all in my head. He does this for his audience and he has decided to play this part until the close of the show... you know "The Greatest Show on Earth." He has turned everything into one big joke however inappropriate and then wonders why real people see him as a joke today. Scott can say that he never asked for any of this and he would correct on that. Scott does not ask for anything when it comes to matters of the heart or when it is truly important. To ask would mean that you have to put yourself out there and risk rejection. He can not handle rejection or failure and these are the methods he uses to avoid both of them. When I pointed this out to him he asks what's wrong with that? After explaining what was wrong with that he agreed but saw no reason to stop because it has worked so well for him all these years.
Some of you more enlightened readers may see this as a form of sexual harassment and you would be right in a sense. While others in this environment and others like it understand it is just a fact of life that women have to deal with from the time we are old enough to understand. Working in a predominately male orientated field the sexual innuendos just become a part of the background noise to the point it is easy to tune them out with practice. I was lucky in a sense being able to observe "the good ole boy's" in their natural environment and listen to their words and meanings behind close doors. Sex for service has been around since before time it seems and it has taken me years to get him to see I am not for sale. I will not be controlled. I will not be quiet about things that really matter. The views held in this circle of friends have crossed sexual harassment, sailed right through sexual extortion and has finished at the borderline obsessed with King Richard. But if you point this out to him he would tell you it's all a joke and he never meant any harm. He got offended one day when I called him on this attitude and tried to say I was calling him a predator but in reality I was calling him an opportunist. I was a hurting woman when I met this man the first time then later deeply hurt and almost broken and both times he helped me get on my feet only to try and knock me down to his level again. To him women and all the other little people have there place and must be kept in it at all times. It is men like these who pose as the pillars of the community who have become so perverted in their heart, yet present such a mask of sanity to the world, that have caused so much confusion and pain.
For the record I own the fact I was the one that showed up to this bizarre friendship and it took two to get where we are today. King Richard and I were so different and I had hoped this time around we could use the differences to balance things while working for something we both wanted... until it was time to do something different. I was wrong and I failed. I don't have a problem admitting that. I have never pretended I could get through this world alone and that I didn't need help from time to time. But I only needed help with a few things however big and not help with everything. I was just as much a part of the problem at first because I gave him a lot of things too over the years and it has made him dependent on the kindness of others now that he is older... and he abuses that kindness with impunity. Contrary to what he seems to believe and says, I am not better than anyone, I only wanted something different and a life I could call my own. It was stupid on my part for trying to be friends with a drama queen hoping his dirt wouldn't be slung my way. While he may make it seem like I contributed very little to his cause, I know I gave a great deal because it was almost everything I had at that moment in time and I'm talking about effort more than money. Living with him the second time around has helped me see that the young girl I was.. was not so dumb after all and for that I am really thankful... but I am still tough because life has made me that way. This experience has taught me so much about myself and my own issues with my family that it was worth it. It was almost like a test from the universe and I can only hope I've learned this lesson so I can leave it here.
I need to stop helping people who do nothing but help themselves... even if they do look like the kinda guy that would give the shirt off his back to help you... It doesn't mean that you'll be able to trust that person when it gets real deep. Lesson learned and now I can spend more time doing the important things... you know... like life? And as I said earlier about making him feel uncomfortable in his own home... it is because he isn't used to the truth being told so plainly nor is he used to people who stand up to the bullying tactics of systematic harassment like I have... and he wouldn't have it any other way... which is a damn good thing at this point! In fact King Richard said it was nice to see some fire in my eyes finally but he misses the obvious that it's not fire... it is disgust at his behavior and he should be really thankful he has not set the fire a blaze within me. That is the last thing he wants to do... or is it?
And the answer to this question happened on May 8th 2013. The answer was yes King Richard wants to start the fire within me and he has succeeded. He finished repaying the money only a month ago and now states I need to leave within 4 - 6 months and I can't park my camper here after stating it was okay. He says the reason is I don't value him and that is true enough because I lost all respect for this man a long time ago. He also says he will stop paying me any money because I told him I need to save up the rest of the money so I can trade my SUV in for a truck that will pull the camper. But the excuse I got was he was finally going to move into an office and there would be no need for me after that. It took me over two years of sacrificing for this company and for this one sided friendship and I was going to take my time in leaving because I am not doing short cuts nor will I take advantage of my friends like him. If King Richard wants to turn this into a war and keep placing even more obstacles in my way than he already has or think he can he can railroad me then maybe he is going to find out how wrong he is... (at the time I was debating on whether or not I really wanted to lower myself to his level and struggled with... do I stay and fight or do I move on and try to recover from this because I do believe in karma. The answer to this debate will be detailed in the final post.) Is this what I want? Absolutely not but this is what he wants. We are all disposable to him and in his own words... it is just business.
So how do I feel about all this? I was frustrated for a long time and have been down right mad at times but now I'm just sad that this has all been made much more difficult because it was unnecessary. I feel like I was used and I let myself be used. I feel like I've spent so much time looking up to the wrong people and when I finally get a good look at who they are... I'm disappointed which is nothing new, but why do I keep gravitating toward these hurtful types? I feel ashamed that I have let this go on as long as I have because the signs where there. Even understanding that the truth with him was deliberately hidden from me until he realized he wasn't going to get what he wanted and only then did I meet the real man underneath... doesn't help much. I now know I should have just stayed in my own home and waited out the foreclosure if all else failed. And finally... I feel a sense of hope for the future... for a life without him and others just like him. :) By taking the time to study him and then do the research, it has made it a little easier to spot the next problematic individual who comes around... I hope.
Seeing this all laid out in this order has helped me so very much to understand that I was not the only common denominator in many of the past relationships with other friends over the years. No... the other half of the hidden story was King Richard being around during many of these times and people in my life, detailed in this blog and I can't help but wonder just what did he do or say to any of MY friends, family or lovers that would have caused undue controversy just to agitate the situation because he was bored? If I trusted him, I'm sure the people in my life did too just based on that fact alone and told him many personal details that could then be spread and used at just the right time. As a last foot note to this story of another ending, I had to let my friend Spunky go because she couldn't see that King Richard was pumping her for information whether it was offered up or not. Then using that information to divide and conquer just like the old days. Like he did with Ariel. It is the last relationship this man will corrupt because problems like this follow King Richard like a mushroom after a rain, found in a cow pasture... to borrow a quote from a very wise woman. No matter the outcome at this point in time I will continue to use the truth to confront the lies no matter how close and personal they are. It's all I have left in this world that really means something to me. So now that I got his issues worked out maybe I can get back to mine... and for the ones who love him, I'll leave this boy with you... I know he "appreciates ya."
"Because the narcissistic abuser suffers from internal discomfort and conflicts they don’t know how to address, no amount of logic, submissiveness or kindness will be enough to compensate or satisfy their insecurities.
They are not seeking to understand or respect others because they do not fully understand or respect themselves. They hide from their own weaknesses by trying to make others weak. They can’t control their own emotions, so they look to control others.
While they may have some positive qualities, they hold toxic and unrealistic expectations which cannot be met by ANYONE. Those who try to meet these expectations will end up feeling like a failure because it is a game they cannot win."
" The Dunning - Kruger effect is the finding that the poorest performers are the least aware of their own incompetence. The reason seems to be that poor performers fail to learn from their mistakes. The proposed solution is that the incompetent should be directly told they are incompetent. Unfortunately the problem is that incompetent people have probably been getting this type of feedback for years and failed to take much notice because they can't. Despite failing exams, messing up at work and irritating other people, the incompetent still don't believe they're incompetent. One reason for this, proposed by the researchers, is that the skills required for competence often are the same skills necessary to recognize competence."
" People convince themselves of their own lies, becoming victims of their own inventions as they begin to direct their lives by standards of behavior, ideas, feelings, or instincts which do not correspond to their inner reality. What is truly serious in this matter is that the individual loses all points of reference regarding what comprises truth and what comprises lies. He becomes used to considering as true only that which is convenient for his personal interest; everything that is in opposition to his self-esteem or in conflict with already established prejudices, he considers false." ~ John Baines
"Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm; but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves" ~ T.S. Elliot
"Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It's seeing through the facade of pretence. It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true." ~ Adyashanti
"Truth is simple and unconcealed, while falsehood is complex, deeply hidden, proud and its fictitious worldly knowledge, seemingly a glitter with godly luster, is often mistaken for divine wisdom." ~ Fulcanielli
14. >>>>> The End of the Story
3. Technology, Me and Programs, 4. When will we ever learn?, 5. Sex, drugs and smoking,
6. Suppression Equals Depression, 7. Practicing Awareness, 8. Long Distance Friendships During War, 9. Away we go, 10. Children and Pit Bulls at Christmas, 11. The other side of the story...I & II, 12. The things that divide us, 13. Getting a plan together and a Garden, 14. >>>>> The End of the Story Click the links within the post to see the relevant stories, pictures or videos and thanks for stopping by!
Looking back, I think King Richard saw I meant what I said when I started to do more for myself whether it be hanging out with Spunky or trying to research things that were important to me and my dreams. I had suggested Spunky to King Richard to handle the phones at first and he thought it was a good idea, then talked to her making arrangements with her to work with me to learn the basics. So Spunky finds a piece of property but the city won't sell it, then there was another place he looked at and then the last piece of property she found was looking really promising. The negotiations started, the deal was struck and it was looking like we might be moving the office out of the house. When it came down to the wire King Richard sent the check but not before saying... "I'm only doing this because all you mofo's have been pushing me to do something, and if this fails... it's all y'alls fault!." Spunky heard that part over the phone but not the next after I hung up when I told him... hold up. "Do not make this deal if you are going to blame everyone else. This is your decision and no one elses so if you don't feel comfortable then don't go through with it... and it was you who has spent so much time baiting the little people in the circle, including me with this move that you have no one to blame but yourself." He sent the check despite not checking the zoning laws himself through an attorney or the attorney didn't catch it. The deal was canceled, he was refunded and that was the end of the search and effort he applied. My June trip out of town with Spunky didn't help matters either because I was doing what he wanted to do... but couldn't... or wouldn't rather.
This is when the complaints about how much money I spent on supplies started in earnest because I like to stock up on the things we all use everyday... never mind the fact that since I've been here I have spent the remaining $4000 from my savings account to pay for many of the things I needed and some things that were needed around here. I have learned to be prepared and having extra on hand makes all the difference especially when times get tight or bad weather knocks out the power. I rotate the food and try to keep up with what's being used. I ask him what he wants or needs and he says surprise me. I guess at what he'd like, then he complains on what I buy? I buy him stuff to eat lunch at home, because he asked me too, then I'd throw it away because it wouldn't get eaten, and then he fuss about me throwing away food. I even told him to cancel everything but the basic cable he likes because I'm not watching television much and it would save him money. He told me that I don't work as hard as "the boys" or as long as they do... so that justifies his actions? Those boys make a lot more money than I do and the one thing they have is time off from him. There is very little time off from King Richard in this position here.
Despite the trips paid for from my own money except for the gas, I don't really go out that much and he is well aware of that fact. I am also pretty efficient when it's time to get things done because I don't want to waste a lot of time or effort. He does not practice being prepared in any manner nor is he efficient and now makes it seem like I'm wasting his money... and his time. He will not appreciate the fact that most of this stuff I am handling is his and even if it isn't why must I justify my every expense? Again he misses how much money he has wasted by leaving the trucks parked where they can and do get broken into. By constantly paying bills late with all the fees attached or by buying those $100 dinners for the guys to show his appreciation, he has shown no problem handing out money. He even pays people to go away in a sense. If they borrow and don't come back then he looks at it as a win win. My point to the money thing is this: he has made at least twice as much as me in the past and way more now. If I could do all the things I was able to do with half the money in the past, then why can't he now... even with help? I think he remembers how well I used to handle all the little details in life and expected me to handle all his little details... as if it were my life. Never mind the fact the he has tied my hands at almost every turn by denying me the resources and ignored all information that would have helped make all of our lives easier and it really is his responsibility at the end of the day to handle his job and life.
Over the last few months talking with Spunky confirmed most of my suspicions about what King Richard has said about our whole relationship over the years. She wasn't really around much toward the end of the first run so I filled her in on the other side of the story. Although King Richard started out talking quite highly of me at first both times he would then later twist or retract almost everything he stated. The ironic part isn't lost on me that I've done the very same thing here. Another example of how people like this can bring out the best or the worst in us and sometimes you must still make a stand. King Richard used to be pretty good about not uttering a direct and verifiable lie although he had spent years implying that we had a romantic relationship to the circle of friends and carried on like it was a fact... but it was a lie of the biggest kind. During our so called relationship back then he led them all to believe I was stringing him along about the sex and treated him like he was the transition man... between relationships and was just using him for my own personal gain. He still thinks this even now after everything that has been detailed in this post and the whole blog itself. For those who know us... this is for you to decide. If you weren't one of the ones who he talked to then you are either family or just weren't in rotation at the time.
King Richard has blamed everything else like the men in my life to my mother and father for the way I am and the fact that I wouldn't see him for what a nice, caring guy he thinks he is. Never mind the fact that if I was looking for a relationship it would be with a caring, capable, and collinear man...something which was completely lost on him. He even told me once that he rarely felt guilty about anything because he felt he didn't do anything wrong. The fact the he along with the rest of us are plenty guilty because we all have done things wrong from time to time... but he never sees anything wrong with his actions or his words. He has made comments on my parenting skills and always said that if he'd have been in my position he would have raised Trey. He always had opinions about what he would do... and a few months after Trey died when I told him that my one true reason for living was gone. He loudly yelled that I could cut that out in front of a few other people who were around... like Trey's death shouldn't bother me as bad because he didn't live with me. I guess it never occurred to him that I was focused on the future without Trey and not the past at that moment in time. That callous remark will be with me to the very end and it should have been my sign. He still wonders why I get depressed from time to time.
I know this is King Richard's house and he can do whatever he needs to do here. But his desire to spend all his time with people whether it be to ride with him in the truck, motorcycle or just to hang out here at the house shows he doesn't like to be alone. Being sociable or having a companion is a good thing and I got zero problems with others that want to do it. In fact networking is vital when it comes to sharing information in the world we live in but this here is different. He uses networking as a way to divide and conquer each of us so we always suspect the others of any wrong doing... but not him. Here the phone rings constantly and loudly. He talks on two headsets constantly and loudly sometimes pacing down the hall past my room during a call. Only when he is talking to customers directly does he use the very helpful voice which is a bit softer than normal but oozing with professionalism. Then this man spends hours a day negotiating with the drivers on who goes where and it gets worse than The Three Stooges at times doing a Laurel and Hardy routine... and he wouldn't have it any other way. Now I hear him tell his friends that need a tow that they shouldn't be asking him to work for nothing because he's gotta survive too. His words are, "show me some love"or "you gotta get your heart right"... to him love means money and heart means wallet.
Again the irony is not lost on me that it is exactly what King Richard expected me to do for him...which is work for free. When I pointed that out, he looked at me as if I had lost my mind and still cannot figure out what my problem is to save his life. I've heard all the stories a 1000 times and am so burnt out on car talk or his severely limited view on life that instead of giving me a break with it when I asked he simply starts each conversation with... "I know you don't want to hear this but I'm gonna tell it to ya anyway..." If I start talking about anything other than cars or the job he interrupts the flow of conversation and my train of thought and directs the conversation back onto himself and his needs. Reminds me of back in the day when he would constantly interrupt me to keep asking what certain words meant instead of trying to find the meaning in the context of the sentence or waiting until I finished to clarify a word. He never caught on that I was tired of him interrupting when I learned to tell him to "look it up" while continuing on with my sentences. You'd have to be interested in what I have to say and let's face it he hasn't heard me yet. And I can tell when he is talking to a woman on the phone because the voice and tone he uses are the same ones I heard in the beginning. The lines are the same and even though he hasn't said anything to me about anyone in particular he is obviously trying to find a replacement in what ever capacity. Good luck to the next one!
When it's not business King Richard is calling every member of the group to check in or coordinate lunch or some other daily functions on a regular basis or sometimes it's just a customer service rep to give them a piece of his mind. Scott also likes to poll his friends on decisions he has already made, not to be sure he is doing the right thing but because he likes talking about what he CAN do. I used to mistake that as looking for advise but I was wrong... that's bragging. In fact this man talks more about doing anything than ever actually doing it. If he does get something accomplished then he will talk all about that too. When he's bored he often goes and "aggravates" the neighbors or a buddy somewhere close by. And if there is no one left to talk to there is always the dogs... or himself. Not only do I hear the calls sometimes on speaker I get the in person face to face update as soon as the call ends. It's like living with Howard Cosell, that old sports announcer with instant replays and all playing on a CNN loop. The irony again here is he will come into my room to tell me how much another of his friends likes to talk so much he can't even watch the television for this guy talking. But when I tell him I can see his point and understand how aggravating that could be... it flies right over his head... all the while thinking he is leaving me alone... true story.
After the way he talks about the people in his group (myself included) you'd think they are all complete idiots, degenerates or disciples depending on the day and this has always been my clue about what kind of person he really was. And don't feel bad... I believed him at first too... so don't think I blame any of you for doing the same either. But to hear him talk, when all the racist, sexist, bigoted and ignorant ideas are pouring out of his head has been the biggest wake up call, and let's me know where I really stand without ever telling me directly. It is the oddest way of life I have seen in a while and because I am in the middle of the house there is no where for me to go to get away from the sound of his voice or the television on high or the banjo music just for fun. The only time it gets quiet around here is when he is trying to hide something and then it gets oddly quiet... you know like having a toddler in the house that gets quiet...quiet? At this point in time though I'll take the quiet however it comes. It was the number one reason I wanted to move or at least start working on this house. There is no privacy to even think in this house and that is what I needed more than anything.
My thinking bothers King Richard so much that he has even stated to me several times over the years "Don't read so much that you get too smart". I've been reading all my life and take in a lot of information when searching for an answer to a problem. When I was here playing a game on the computer in my spare time for 2 years, he had very little to say about my time in front of the computer. It was not until I started studying other interesting things like healing my heart to diet and health that he had a problem with it. The ironic part here is his arthritis and diabetes were what started the search on that topic which I spent hours on trying to find him some relief. I want to change my diet slowly and detox so I can have more energy and because I don't want to go through what he did. My only hope is to do it naturally because I am not going to a doctor unless it's an emergency. And no it is not celery stick and carrot juice diet. The only thing different is I don't cook grains like mac and cheese or Stove Top... unless he is here. He is trying to make it sound as if I'm trying to starve him or my cooking all of a sudden sucks. Not even close...well most of the time anyway. :) Another relevant fact is that he will eat a months worth of junk food in 3 days or less not to mention all the fast food he still ingests.
Since I started to change how I eat, King Richard now makes a big deal about certain foods that give him heartburn which are my favorites but I still try to avoid using them for him. Or he just complains about the way it's cooked, when it's served or how tired he is of eating something. Cooking was a privilege I did for him that was turned into a chore that has turned back into something I like doing... as long as he isn't here. But the fridge is usually stocked with leftovers if he feels like serving himself... but that is often too much work for him. King Richard would just as soon let his other friend cook for him and serve him as well... because it is easier than having to do it yourself. He also knows how important writing and studying for me is and thinks it is another useless endeavor in my life, because I don't get paid for doing it or it takes time away from him. But looking at it from another perspective is when King Richard became a problem that caused me to search on solutions to that problem... He knew his time would be limited before I found out just exactly what I was dealing with here.
Which leads me to King Richard's case of rheumatoid arthritis that started a quick spiral downward in his health which caused even more problems... because he refused to deal with it in any way... except walk the halls and moan for months and alternate between soaking in the bathtub and being bed ridden. It started when he had me take him to the emergency room for a boil on his leg after he had let it go for a long time. Then the pain started. He refused stuff from the Walmart... until he didn't. He refused natural remedies... until he didn't. He refused to go to the doctor until he finally made that first appointment. Even then he would not follow the directions any better than before and it wasn't getting any better... in fact he kept arguing with me about the med's so bad one night while he couldn't sleep... I finally told him "We are going to do this the easy way or the hard way, but you can bet we are going to do this..."
And King Richard was in pain but what I don't understand is this... is if he was in so much pain... why didn't he do what he needed to do or at least try it to alleviate some of the pain... sooner. I know when I was hurting that bad with teeth problems I'd be willing to try anything for a little relief. But not him. He would rather make a really big deal and a whole lot of noise instead of looking for relief. In fact during the worst part he told me and several others that when and if it got too bad he would just blow his head off and be done with it. You know the easy way out like everything else. And that ladies and gentlemen was the straw that broke the camels back as far as I'm concerned. It had been 3 years since I moved in and 2 years since he had been loaned the money, we had gone through the mid life crisis and slid right into geriatric ville without even slowing down. He was slapping on bandaids to every problem while taking care of none of them. We were just going in circles with no end in site and this towing business was turning into A Daycare for the Dumbasses and the Disabled.
During this time it showed me exactly what life would be like around here if he ever got disabled because he refused to prepare for anything, swearing he was living by the seat of his pants waiting on that winning lottery ticket to come in. On the outside it looked as if he were shutting down more mentally... then physically. He was wearing himself out over things that were of no concern to him instead of worrying about things he could do and it was catching up with him fast at this point. I think when he realized he had crossed a line with me he knew he had went too far but instead of doing anything to deal with the problems, he continued to agitate them. He still choose to ignore what his body was telling him and in the mean time was creating a larger mess all the way around, for everybody involved. The only problem was I was tired of being assigned clean up duty and the never ending grunt work as well. So once he became mobile again around September, I wrote him a letter telling him that I was calling in the loan and that it was time for him to make those arrangements. He can now use this as an excuse to the circle of friends and employees as a reason why he cannot move the business forward any further at this time. And he is trying to make it look like I ran out or ignored him in his time of need. That sure worked out handy for him... didn't it?
Another reason I am writing about it is... it hurts when you believe lies and it can effect many different things in your life when you do. The lies I believed at first were that he really was my friend, mature enough to live and work with as well as I had earned this man respect, if nothing else. In all actuality, he was never my friend to begin with and what I earned was a disrespect on a level I couldn't even imagine a few years ago... it is so subtle sometimes but ever present. King Richard has respect for no one... not even you. The lies he seemed to believe and express is that we are a couple one moment and I am nothing but an employee the next... depending on his motivation and his mood... notwithstanding facts and logic. He also thinks that when I leave here I am leaving with more than I came with despite all evidence to the contrary. He believes he has done me a great favor and bent over backwards for me by giving me something to do after Trey's death, so I should be grateful and "shut up". Really... that's the way it is around here. Conversely he has now stated that I needed something to do when I moved in... like: a) haven't I been saying so and trying to do just that and b) the real problems came when I started to do things that didn't have anything to do with him when he couldn't make up his mind and c) let's twist this all around one more time to make sure that he looks innocent in this whole situation. Then he also says that he can see I'm not happy here and once again he has taken the words right out of my mouth...and used them as his own.
A really important part I want to emphasize here is that King Richard has used pity against me as a reason for not telling me the truth or working with me in any way whatsoever. He has said plenty of times that because of Trey's death he didn't want to put me through anything more... all the while telling his friends and maybe his family that it was the reason he didn't want to ask me to leave. He didn't want to appear like the bad guy as usual so this is the way he used to do it. Out of everything here that has been the one thing that has pissed me off to no end because I have not asked for nor wanted his pity in any way and I have been looking for the truth all my life so that excuse holds no water when it comes to his behavior. The worst part is... it is a disgrace to Trey's memory to be used as a scapegoat for the actions of a grown man, who refuses to grow up and be a man. It also reminds me of when he would say all those years ago... that he would die for me... for which I would tell him... it is easy to die for what you believe in, try living with it for a change. Each of these phrases he uses are designed to make you feel like he cares for you but in reality he is manipulating you to submit. This is not love or even friendship in any way... no matter how much you sugar coat it. And this now brings me to the regret King Richard has for not having a family of his own.
King Richard likes to say he wasn't blessed with a family which means someone didn't just gift wrap one and drop it on his doorstop for him ready to go. I have watched him pretend it was a great sacrifice but in reality it was something he wasn't interested in... AT ALL. All this closeness he desires is supposed to be about sharing ideas and real thoughts with another human being. It cannot ever be that with him because his life is so full of him 24 hours a day... he has no room left for another person at all... friends, family or a romantic partner... real or imaginary... unless they serve him. Which is why he resorts to pity because that's all he has left at the end of the day. In other words he has become a full fledged hoover... someone who sucks the life out of you and this is one of the main tactics used. It was why I told him recently that if he kept it up, he would die a lonely old man and that may well be his undoing. I told him, I however am okay with dying alone because it sure beats being around people like him. Fortunately those aren't my only two choices nor is it my goal because I can see a better way... even if I can't get there from here. I also called him a shortened version of his first name as well, which seems appropriately chosen at this time.
There is a lot of history here and it was one of the reasons I trusted my so called friend to do the right thing at first. I had seen him do it on occasions and knew it was possible. He really was one of the oddest men on earth and is proud of that fact. Reading some about it here showed me that he was not so odd after all and there are many people just like him. The correct terminology would be narcissistic personality disorder if you're interested... but I'm no doctor. We all have a touch of it but some like him are severely impaired in this department. The potential I saw in my friend was just a mirror of what I saw in myself but he was also like a fun house mirror by reflecting my words and my dreams as if they were his own back to me and to others... without ever grasping the meaning of any of them. His agenda was to get the little lady in here and apply the pressure until she caved... it was the whole plan it seems and petty payback is the only thing left for denying him, at this point. Funny thing here is... it was him who has taken advantage of my kindness over the years all the while accusing me of doing the same thing. I had forgotten one of the rules of this game is to accuse others of what you yourself are doing first, so you can win at any cost. The term for that is called projection but when it's used to make you think you are the crazy one then it's called gaslighting.
A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:
* React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation - he uses deflection and denial - check
*Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals - check
*Have excessive feelings of self importance - check
*Exaggerate achievements and talents - check
*Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love - check
*Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment - check
*Needs constant attention and admiration - check
*Disregards the feelings of others and have little ability to feel empathy - check
*Have obsessive self - interest - check
*Pursue mainly selfish goals - check
Other signs you are dealing with a narcissistic person.
It was almost as if this man, I had known for 20 years had never met me before in his life... and vs/vs. Now to watch King Richard manipulate people to give him things that he wants, such as services, money or time makes him nothing but a man in love with the power... even if he sees nothing wrong with it. His self limitations are suffocating and he uses them to his advantage by collecting other people to do whatever is needed. Because I respect free will and value the people I care about in my life and not just until the job is done, this insults my soul. I wonder why it took me so long to see him for what he really is... a very disturbed character. And his biggest regret in life will always be that car that got away... not how much damage he has caused other people. At night he thanks Jesus for his bed and his food... not for any of the people in his life... all the while watching Joel Osteen preaching from the TV. With King Richard if you are not kissing his butt whenever he needs it or in my case 24/7 then he simply rotates you out and rotates another one in. I'm being rotated out as we speak because I didn't comply with the ever changing rules... but not before taking the time to cover his own ass at my expense. I can tell when that happened because it got quiet and then things finally started to get done... You know the ones that we discussed 3 years ago... ? And this is why he says we butt heads.
While this info has been bouncing around in my head for a long time, I didn't start writing it out until just after Thanksgiving 2012. At that time I had predicted that he would try to cut my pay to the bone in January because that's what it's all about with him... control the money and control the person. He has proved beyond a shadow doubt that he doesn't value me, my time or the amount of effort and money I have put into this business and friendship. Hell I've been paying back an imaginary debt to this man that was created by him for this very purpose. Cutting my pay isn't going to change the amount of effort he does except for washing his own clothes... maybe. He will let the house get just as nasty as it was before I came and expect me to just live with it or clean up after him for free because I doubt he has hired anyone to do that lovely job. He didn't understand that I was willing to put in as much effort as he was... but at the end of the day it has always been his choice, his business and his house. If he tries to cut my pay he will have also made sure that it will take the longest time for me to get out of here too. So it has cost me dearly to work for him, in so many ways...
The Saturday before Christmas I came home from some errands and he said again that we used to be considerate of each other. This was in reference to the fact that when I left for the vet that morning I left the gate open and his truck exposed to the zoning man should he decided to ride by. I said yes, we used to but you have no clue how to be considerate... so I stopped. After thinking about it for a minute I told him almost everything in this post... again and he came back with all the standard excuses that are a mainstay in his world. I then told him I got the feeling he was fixing to do something here soon and I'd like to know what it is, especially if it concerns me at all. He confessed he was going to cut my pay in January and put me back on a cash basis... as I thought... and I went off. His idea of cash basis meant that I could ask for money and he would say no sooner rather than later and that means... I'd be working for free in no time flat with him. I let him know I was going to go public to his circle of friends and family with ALL of this and you know what?... He asked what can "we" do to keep this from being a full on drama episode? Personally I think it is a little late to be worried about that... don't you? What he is worried about is you finding out who he really is because if that happens then he can't have any more fun at your expense... or make any money off you for starters. That was enough for the moment to get him to rethink and continue paying me... for now. Give him a bit I'm sure he think of something else... like this...
Now King Richard seems focused on pretending this whole thing has been about my inability to deal with the small stuff like him filling up the trashcan is really going to make me mad. Just like he still makes a big deal about a then $10 tub of laundry detergent when he left my house all those years ago. Those are the things that hold importance to him... not the value of a person or situation. He now also says that he just wanted to give me a place where I could be on my own so I could heal and again that is so far from the reality of the situation it's almost funny. The next lie King Richard told was I am not going to talk about this latest agreement to anyone... does he really think I believe him? And the last lie he told was I want us to part as friends. I thought to myself you'd have to be one first and sadly because I can't trust a word this man says any more is why I am going public with all this.
You may say that I'm being way too hard on King Richard and he doesn't deserve to have this all made public? Well King Richard choose to take this path instead of any other like leaving me out of the whole thing (save for the jobs I was doing) like I asked from the beginning or refusing the loan when I offered so I would know to plan for my dream earlier for example. Or at that time he could have made it clear that he wasn't interested in a non sexual relationship and I'd got out of here a whole lot sooner. Since I'm just starting to do that now it's going to be a whole lot harder for so very many reasons. And every dollar he repays is earmarked for jobs like new teeth, supplies and final arrangements, just to name a few. He knows this and because he willingly did everything he could do to make it as hard as he possible... he's pretty smug with himself. And remember the old friend that borrowed the $4000 and didn't pay it all back? Well King Richard talked so much junk about the guy for years to everyone so don't be fooled, the only reason I will be repaid the initial loan was because King Richard is afraid of the bad publicity, not understanding that was just the tip of the ice burg. And King Richard has already made this public and will continue to talk about this for years to come. And to paraphrase him... at least he'll have something to talk about now.
King Richard may tell you that he isn't smart enough to think this all out but he doesn't have to be smart... he just needs to be in control and that is the bottom line with him. He is not big and dumb... he just doesn't care. He had no problem asking his dad for the rest of the money to repay my loan, he's already got Sir Know it All lined up to do the paperwork and he's working on a play mate for Lily, another unfortunate soul who might be stuck here with a man who might forget she's even in the house. King Richard takes care of King Richard and thought he could count on his dad to bail him out of this mess he created... then gloated about it in the end... after denying it all those years. He changes his story to suit the person and the objective and not one person in his family had ever stood up to him in all the years I've known them. They too have allowed themselves to be bullied into silence about the things that really matter and I feel sorry for them... because they feel like have no choice... at least until now... And this one is a bit odd... well odder than normal :) When King Richard asked his dad for a loan for some reason it didn't go over very well. Then King Richard's attitude changed into a more agreeable one with me for another bit. But as usual that only last so long before another drama arises.
Maybe it had something to do when King Richards' dad was so deep in grief after losing his wife of 40 years and was considering suicide King Richards' response was "What ever ya want to do?... or... Call me if you need anything." or some such nonsense. He had to be told how cold and calculating that was before he tried to back petal on the position. To his dad: please don't assume that he didn't tell several people about this and I hope he showed you a bit more kindness than he implied. And to be clear this is the third time in a year and a half... men have threatened to take their own life... him, King Richard and my dad. I mean no disrespect but I've personally had enough of all who chose to "threaten" to take the easy way out of bad situations using this as the primary way to solve the problem... when all it does it create a lot a heartache and pain for the others like me who care. However his dad's situation was caused by deep hurt and loss, so I can truly relate to his feelings on that and there are many others in this world who really feel that it is the only choice left. Your suffering is not lost on me but King Richard however is losing touch with every decent part of himself that makes him a human being.
It is no secret that I have wanted out of this city for a very long time. King Richard's actions were designed to trap me here in this hell hole because it makes him happy to make others miserable. I have asked him several times over the last 6 months to handle some of the small things around the house such as replacing a broken light in the kitchen to going to the warehouse and stocking up on meat before the prices go up in January. He simply tells me yes to my face and then ignores it no matter how many times I mention it. We couldn't even agree to a garden later on in February and that's something he supposedly likes doing. He claimed I was taking it over when I asked if we could rotate the crops this year... so I've just decided to plant my own. This childish, emotionally stunted little man has no clue that I've been dealing with people who play the game so much better than him over the years... that he doesn't have a chance in hell of winning, because I'm not playing. I am the kind of person who can take a lot of crap but once I'm pushed into a corner, I come out fighting as if my life depends on it... because it usually does. At this point in time I don't have anything to lose and he has everything to lose.
I have watched this passive aggressive or covert aggression play out between my mom and dad all my life as I'm sure King Richard must have too. He was too good otherwise and let's face it... this man has spent an ungodly amount of time focused on what I'm doing, where I'm going and what I am working on... but it also kept my attention on him even if it was negative, it was better than nothing. That was time, energy and resources wasted that could have been spent on what he really wanted if it was important enough for him. He wants to pretend like he has done nothing wrong and it is all in my head. He does this for his audience and he has decided to play this part until the close of the show... you know "The Greatest Show on Earth." He has turned everything into one big joke however inappropriate and then wonders why real people see him as a joke today. Scott can say that he never asked for any of this and he would correct on that. Scott does not ask for anything when it comes to matters of the heart or when it is truly important. To ask would mean that you have to put yourself out there and risk rejection. He can not handle rejection or failure and these are the methods he uses to avoid both of them. When I pointed this out to him he asks what's wrong with that? After explaining what was wrong with that he agreed but saw no reason to stop because it has worked so well for him all these years.
Some of you more enlightened readers may see this as a form of sexual harassment and you would be right in a sense. While others in this environment and others like it understand it is just a fact of life that women have to deal with from the time we are old enough to understand. Working in a predominately male orientated field the sexual innuendos just become a part of the background noise to the point it is easy to tune them out with practice. I was lucky in a sense being able to observe "the good ole boy's" in their natural environment and listen to their words and meanings behind close doors. Sex for service has been around since before time it seems and it has taken me years to get him to see I am not for sale. I will not be controlled. I will not be quiet about things that really matter. The views held in this circle of friends have crossed sexual harassment, sailed right through sexual extortion and has finished at the borderline obsessed with King Richard. But if you point this out to him he would tell you it's all a joke and he never meant any harm. He got offended one day when I called him on this attitude and tried to say I was calling him a predator but in reality I was calling him an opportunist. I was a hurting woman when I met this man the first time then later deeply hurt and almost broken and both times he helped me get on my feet only to try and knock me down to his level again. To him women and all the other little people have there place and must be kept in it at all times. It is men like these who pose as the pillars of the community who have become so perverted in their heart, yet present such a mask of sanity to the world, that have caused so much confusion and pain.
For the record I own the fact I was the one that showed up to this bizarre friendship and it took two to get where we are today. King Richard and I were so different and I had hoped this time around we could use the differences to balance things while working for something we both wanted... until it was time to do something different. I was wrong and I failed. I don't have a problem admitting that. I have never pretended I could get through this world alone and that I didn't need help from time to time. But I only needed help with a few things however big and not help with everything. I was just as much a part of the problem at first because I gave him a lot of things too over the years and it has made him dependent on the kindness of others now that he is older... and he abuses that kindness with impunity. Contrary to what he seems to believe and says, I am not better than anyone, I only wanted something different and a life I could call my own. It was stupid on my part for trying to be friends with a drama queen hoping his dirt wouldn't be slung my way. While he may make it seem like I contributed very little to his cause, I know I gave a great deal because it was almost everything I had at that moment in time and I'm talking about effort more than money. Living with him the second time around has helped me see that the young girl I was.. was not so dumb after all and for that I am really thankful... but I am still tough because life has made me that way. This experience has taught me so much about myself and my own issues with my family that it was worth it. It was almost like a test from the universe and I can only hope I've learned this lesson so I can leave it here.
I need to stop helping people who do nothing but help themselves... even if they do look like the kinda guy that would give the shirt off his back to help you... It doesn't mean that you'll be able to trust that person when it gets real deep. Lesson learned and now I can spend more time doing the important things... you know... like life? And as I said earlier about making him feel uncomfortable in his own home... it is because he isn't used to the truth being told so plainly nor is he used to people who stand up to the bullying tactics of systematic harassment like I have... and he wouldn't have it any other way... which is a damn good thing at this point! In fact King Richard said it was nice to see some fire in my eyes finally but he misses the obvious that it's not fire... it is disgust at his behavior and he should be really thankful he has not set the fire a blaze within me. That is the last thing he wants to do... or is it?
And the answer to this question happened on May 8th 2013. The answer was yes King Richard wants to start the fire within me and he has succeeded. He finished repaying the money only a month ago and now states I need to leave within 4 - 6 months and I can't park my camper here after stating it was okay. He says the reason is I don't value him and that is true enough because I lost all respect for this man a long time ago. He also says he will stop paying me any money because I told him I need to save up the rest of the money so I can trade my SUV in for a truck that will pull the camper. But the excuse I got was he was finally going to move into an office and there would be no need for me after that. It took me over two years of sacrificing for this company and for this one sided friendship and I was going to take my time in leaving because I am not doing short cuts nor will I take advantage of my friends like him. If King Richard wants to turn this into a war and keep placing even more obstacles in my way than he already has or think he can he can railroad me then maybe he is going to find out how wrong he is... (at the time I was debating on whether or not I really wanted to lower myself to his level and struggled with... do I stay and fight or do I move on and try to recover from this because I do believe in karma. The answer to this debate will be detailed in the final post.) Is this what I want? Absolutely not but this is what he wants. We are all disposable to him and in his own words... it is just business.
So how do I feel about all this? I was frustrated for a long time and have been down right mad at times but now I'm just sad that this has all been made much more difficult because it was unnecessary. I feel like I was used and I let myself be used. I feel like I've spent so much time looking up to the wrong people and when I finally get a good look at who they are... I'm disappointed which is nothing new, but why do I keep gravitating toward these hurtful types? I feel ashamed that I have let this go on as long as I have because the signs where there. Even understanding that the truth with him was deliberately hidden from me until he realized he wasn't going to get what he wanted and only then did I meet the real man underneath... doesn't help much. I now know I should have just stayed in my own home and waited out the foreclosure if all else failed. And finally... I feel a sense of hope for the future... for a life without him and others just like him. :) By taking the time to study him and then do the research, it has made it a little easier to spot the next problematic individual who comes around... I hope.
Seeing this all laid out in this order has helped me so very much to understand that I was not the only common denominator in many of the past relationships with other friends over the years. No... the other half of the hidden story was King Richard being around during many of these times and people in my life, detailed in this blog and I can't help but wonder just what did he do or say to any of MY friends, family or lovers that would have caused undue controversy just to agitate the situation because he was bored? If I trusted him, I'm sure the people in my life did too just based on that fact alone and told him many personal details that could then be spread and used at just the right time. As a last foot note to this story of another ending, I had to let my friend Spunky go because she couldn't see that King Richard was pumping her for information whether it was offered up or not. Then using that information to divide and conquer just like the old days. Like he did with Ariel. It is the last relationship this man will corrupt because problems like this follow King Richard like a mushroom after a rain, found in a cow pasture... to borrow a quote from a very wise woman. No matter the outcome at this point in time I will continue to use the truth to confront the lies no matter how close and personal they are. It's all I have left in this world that really means something to me. So now that I got his issues worked out maybe I can get back to mine... and for the ones who love him, I'll leave this boy with you... I know he "appreciates ya."
"Because the narcissistic abuser suffers from internal discomfort and conflicts they don’t know how to address, no amount of logic, submissiveness or kindness will be enough to compensate or satisfy their insecurities.
They are not seeking to understand or respect others because they do not fully understand or respect themselves. They hide from their own weaknesses by trying to make others weak. They can’t control their own emotions, so they look to control others.
While they may have some positive qualities, they hold toxic and unrealistic expectations which cannot be met by ANYONE. Those who try to meet these expectations will end up feeling like a failure because it is a game they cannot win."
" The Dunning - Kruger effect is the finding that the poorest performers are the least aware of their own incompetence. The reason seems to be that poor performers fail to learn from their mistakes. The proposed solution is that the incompetent should be directly told they are incompetent. Unfortunately the problem is that incompetent people have probably been getting this type of feedback for years and failed to take much notice because they can't. Despite failing exams, messing up at work and irritating other people, the incompetent still don't believe they're incompetent. One reason for this, proposed by the researchers, is that the skills required for competence often are the same skills necessary to recognize competence."
" People convince themselves of their own lies, becoming victims of their own inventions as they begin to direct their lives by standards of behavior, ideas, feelings, or instincts which do not correspond to their inner reality. What is truly serious in this matter is that the individual loses all points of reference regarding what comprises truth and what comprises lies. He becomes used to considering as true only that which is convenient for his personal interest; everything that is in opposition to his self-esteem or in conflict with already established prejudices, he considers false." ~ John Baines
"Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm; but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves" ~ T.S. Elliot
"Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It's seeing through the facade of pretence. It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true." ~ Adyashanti
"Truth is simple and unconcealed, while falsehood is complex, deeply hidden, proud and its fictitious worldly knowledge, seemingly a glitter with godly luster, is often mistaken for divine wisdom." ~ Fulcanielli
14. >>>>> The End of the Story
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