Saturday, May 6, 2017

Changing things within.

You know... I've changed a lot in some aspects and in others, very little.  I guess it depends on who you ask, when and if the person you ask is able to really see objectively.  That's the challenge at the end of the day... seeing people as they are as well as the world we live in without biased thinking clouding up what is real.  I know I am a loner and prefer to do as many things possible on my own as I can.  I also know that I have a habit of taking on big projects that cannot possibly be done by myself and that makes for difficult times to say the least.  I do crave companionship at certain times but often don't know what to do with it when I have it.  Being difficult is something I specialize in without really trying.

Moving home clarified a lot of things for me.  Dealing with all that was going on was a big factor because too many people I knew for well over 20 years had turned into people I wouldn't be around if we had just met.  It was another traumatic ordeal that still took a lot of time to process even though I had an intellectual understanding of what I was dealing with, the emotional healing took more time.  It made me look at all the relationships that I had going on, even the ones where we weren't close any longer, except for a brief message or so.  While I may prefer to be alone more often than not, I did reach out and try to keep in touch with those people in my past to see how they were doing and to catch up.  Again more often than not they were too busy dealing with their own traumas and burdens to respond.  I understood that all too well.  Life has a way of taking over and people who are not in your daily life just kind of fade away.  But it never stopped me from thinking about them from time to time.

So with the the move home I decided to let go of people from my past.  Like the Hinson family, anyone associated with Scott with the exception of our neighbor Karen, until she lost her battle with cancer late last year and few other friends that I hadn't spoke to in a long while.  Some of the reasons were simple self preservation and others, I didn't want to feel like I was a bother to them or was just plain nosy when I asked questions about their life.  But Trey's death not only changed how people saw me or how they responded to me if they responded at all, it changed how I saw them as well.  I can only guess that I made them uncomfortable even though I could still empathize with what they were going through.  A few would vent about things then follow it up with, I know it pales in comparison to what you've been through, and then the awkward silence followed again by my reassurances that their problems where just as important to me as if Trey was still here.  But at the time, I don't think that made much of a difference in their eyes.  

While Trey's death was the largest catalyst in one of many that caused shifts in my thinking, world views and life in general, it was the gigantic push to make me really start examining why and how did we get here.  What started as a very personal search for answers didn't even start immediately just because of the enormity of the loss of Trey and the loss of myself during those first few years.  I didn't realize it much at the time because losing myself was so unimportant.  I ceased to matter to myself.  There was no more hope for the future and I was just ready to go.  Every day was just a matter of going through the motions to get the bare minimum done so I could retreat back into this inner world that was filled with loss, pain, guilt, memories, questions and the ever present hope that I would just go to sleep one night and not wake up so I could be with him again and away from this world which I now despised with every fiber of my being.  I didn't know how long these feelings would last because it felt like there was no turning back but rationally I knew that with time these feelings would subside.

Some of you may think this was unhealthy as did the few now ex friends at the time but it was the only way I knew how to deal with the reality of a loss so staggering that it made any and all previous heartaches look like a walk in the park in comparison.  During those other times when I was hurting the only thing that helped was sitting alone with the pain and giving it free rein to run its course.  Acknowledging each and every thought and emotion whether it made sense or was valid was the only way I had for even trying to deal with all the changes Trey's death had brought.  Dealing with most people had always drained me of energy and at that time I simply had no more to give.  I wasn't mean, cruel or heartless, I was just done even trying to pretend that I was okay and interested in the day to day activities that seemed so pointless to me at that time.  Did that make me a bad friend or family member? I'm sure it did and to some degree I regret that.  But looking back on the types of relationships that I was in, I realized how superficial, conditional and emotionally draining they were.  I may not have understood what a healthy relationship was but I had loads of experience in unhealthy relationships and was more than ready to just be alone so I could try and make some sense of the new normal that I was in.

Was this selfish?  Absolutely.  I mean I knew and understood that especially my family were having as difficult time as I was just in their own way.  I was powerless to help them anymore than I could help myself because they weren't ready to deal with it at all during this stage of the first year when pushing through the business of death. Then trying to find a peaceful resolution to the problem of my parents unhappy marriage while delaying the time I needed to process everything, I came to the realization that nothing I could or would do would ever be right or enough when it came to them.  Turns out I was only half way right.  I have wrote before that my family imploded after Trey died, but I didn't write what my involvement in it was or at least the whole thing.  That first year for me was nothing but pushing myself to get as much done as possible because I knew I wanted a long break from the responsibilities of owning a house, the near constant drama and the continuation of being the peacemaker with my family.  I had hoped that when we started construction on the house the end result would be that mom would have another place to live with the option of coming home if she chose and dad would be able to live his final days here in relative comfort leaving me the choice to finally do what I needed to do which was to go be on my own for a while without having to worry about them and feel guilty because of it.  Well it didn't work out like that way as many of you know because of Don the Con (aka Rosco) with my dad and because of a beach trip in 2012 with my mom. 

By this time 4 years had passed since Trey had died and I had just started my journey of trying to find those answers of why and how did we end up here.  I had begun to read many things about spirituality and books on psychological behaviors in an effort to understand why I am the way I am. To understand that I also needed to understand why other people were the way they were and why was I either attracted to them or vice versa.  After sitting with the pain for about 2 and a half years it had eased somewhat or at least enough to let me begin a journey that I had hoped would lead me out of a constant hell I was in emotionally and physically.  The situation where I was living was just starting to turn unbearable and mom wanted to go to the beach for a week, so I set up the arrangements and we went.  I still don't know why we bothered to go because she couldn't do very much and just wanted to stay in the hotel room the entire time.  I mean we could have just skipped the expense of the trip and stayed at home to have the conversation that happened there.  The long and short of it was mom kept asking the same questions she had asked for many years looking for a different answer.  She was looking for me to tell her she made the right decisions about her and Trey's life, to agree with her about my father and to absolve her from any wrong doing when it came to those decisions.  I on the other hand knew that each and every one of us had a hand in the events leading us to Trey's death and would not placate her constant but unbelievably unrealistic recollections of the past where we all were to blame except for herself.  

I was trying to talk to her about problems in my life that were happening right then and it was as if it was of no concern to her, which in reality it wasn't.  I had known that for a very long while and yet I kept trying to connect with her.  She had stopped making decisions a long time ago yet would complain how miserable her life was.  I didn't understand how if a person was so miserable why they didn't at least try to make some changes to alleviate as much of their own suffering as possible.  I'm the opposite, I like solutions to problems so that I can have as much peace of mind as possible but I did understand that sometimes you need to take a break from things to deal and regroup.  So when everything I had held back over the years while I was being the peacemaker bubbled up to the surface and when she pushed for the answers she wanted to hear, not the truth, I unloaded how I truly felt about everything.  Probably not effectively because in an emotionally charged discussion I tend to skip around unlike being able to write things down in a way that makes sense and gets my full point across.  Mom deflected much of what I said and her most notable response was one I had heard many times... "But what about me?"  We were talking about her and some of the things she could have done to make her own life a bit easier at least in some ways but they did require effort on her part.  She then accused me of doing some things in the past, which I admitted to the ones I did do and expressed regret but I also was clear about the ones I didn't do.  During the conversation I got so mad I punched the wall and she said you've got you dad in you, you know?  I said of course I do because I have 50% of his DNA and that seems to be one of her big issues with me.  I know, I had crossed a line that day but I had had enough of holding back my true feelings, thoughts and needs.  I said my peace and later in writing through a FB message to get my point across and made peace with the fact that it would make absolutely no difference in then end.  Mom was the way she was and there was nothing that would change her point of view or her life.  I had just made the hardest decision of that time which was to separate myself from the hope of having a semi normal relationship with her and there was another grieving process that came with that as well.   

Was I right in telling her the truth about how I felt? Depends on who you ask.  Did it feel right? No it didn't, it was very difficult to tell her but it was something I needed to do.  Do I have regrets about it? No not about telling the truth, my regrets are for not telling her sooner because if I had done so it may have been the beginning of a change for both of us which could have lead to a different relationship.  If any of you have read any of this blog then you will see a theme here.  I do walk away from many relationships where I feel it is either unhealthy or a dead end.  Why?  I feel like I've wasted enough time with people who aren't willing to work on there own issues, themselves or care enough about me to work on whatever relationship we my have.  I just don't have the energy to be the lone person who does most of the work which I feel is important.  Through my readings I have learned that it's okay to walk away from spiritually and emotionally draining people who can't or won't take responsibility for themselves.  You can not save them and I can not enable them to keep hurting themselves or me.  But relationships with our parents are different in they are still your family no matter what may go on.  So while my relationship with my mom is strained at best, I still love her and will do what I can to help her but I will not be getting my hopes up again.  

Moving home to be with dad in the last year and a half of his life was something I needed to do for various reasons but I can tell you it wasn't something I wanted to do.  Now, I can tell you that it was the best thing that could have happened.  Getting to spend time with him without my mom around helped me see him a bit more clearly.  Dad wasn't a saint by any means but he was more open with his mistakes and regrets and the talks we had cleared the air.  I hope it gave him some peace before he died because I understood more now about why he was the way he was.  I think what surprised me most was his willingness to help other people when they needed it the most. Especially me when I first got home when it came to little things.  And he didn't expect very much in return although I made sure things were as easy for him as I could.  I didn't mind cooking, cleaning and shopping for him.  And for me that was saying something because I didn't really like to do those things for myself.  It just came naturally.  Although were we both struggling with our own issues and problems the simplicity of our relationship was something we both desperately needed although I didn't even know it at the time.  Dad gave me a place where I could just be and that was the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.    

I understand that most relationships are complicated and require compromise.  I was usually willing to try the complicated and wasn't deterred by the work that was involved because nothing worth having comes without work.  But the relationship I had with Dad during the last few months of his life showed me that it doesn't always have to be complicated and there was a way to work things out to the best of our ability.  It was easy to admit I made mistakes when I left him alone with Don the Con and refused his calls for four years.  We were both able to forgive each other because we both recognized where we went wrong and admitted it.  We forgave each other without even saying it or I'm sorry. It was clear in our actions that we had come to a place of acceptance.  Now there were still a lot of little things that didn't get worked out but the big ones where addressed and it seemed to work for both of us.  I also understand that during his final days dad was grappling with the end of life regrets, decisions, worries and probably the fear of dying itself.  I feel that had a lot to do with our willingness to forgive the past for both of us.  

After we got Dads diagnosis, I did send mom a message on FB asking her about what she wanted to do with house, wills and other things around the end of June 2014 which got no response and later another message stating that I didn't want to push her but there was some serious stuff going on around here.  If she wanted to respond or know more she should call but I never heard a word from her.  So dad and I made the decision to not tell her that he was dying.  And things went on like that until about 2 or 3 weeks before the end when he asked me one night to go ahead and call mom.  I told him I would in the morning because it was too late to do it then but when we woke up the next morning he had changed his mind and told me not to.  I made sure that was what he wanted because I would have called her right then.  I knew that no matter what had happened between them he still loved her and missed her very much.  It still bothers me to this day that he wasn't able to say what he need to say to her and maybe it's my fault for not just outright calling her.  I know I was being selfish to some degree because during those last few weeks Dad was declining and Hospice was here more often with more and more instructions on what needed to be done.  I don't know what I would've done without my friend Nic who came here to check on Dad when I was at work and to help me with some of the more physical aspects of moving dad when he couldn't move himself.  During all this time I was stressed, worried and facing the loss of my Dad which was hard enough.  I just couldn't deal with mom being here unless that was what he would've wanted and then I would have gotten through it I guess.  

It wasn't until he had passed that I called mom to tell her the news and she was shocked of course and asked why I hadn't called her before.  I had almost told her if she really wanted to know she should've called after my message but I didn't.  Then she asked if she could come here for the night.  I reluctantly agreed and she came for 2 days instead.  We talked of inconsequential things most of the time but when she asked one of those questions she didn't really want to know the answer to, I just changed the subject or when she brought up the past with her and dad, I would cut her off.  I had heard all I could from her point of view and didn't want to hear it again.  The only thing of relevance I brought up was a question about why she continued her relationship with my ex friend Scott after every thing that had happened and she stated, "I like Scott and he hasn't done anything to me so why not?"  I tried to explain that if someone like that had treated someone I loved they way he did, I definitely would have walked away at the very least but she didn't agree.  She also volunteered a few tid bits of information concerning things about what my Grandmother had done with her will.  Later after Grandma had died I learned that had also turned out to be false and again she claimed that she had never stated such things.  Earlier though, when my heat and air unit went out she did loan me the money to get a new one which I am grateful for.  While I don't know of the specific motives for either of these opposite actions, I do know the general ideas as to why, because of my reading.  It doesn't always help but at least now I have some answers that I can work with as well as tools to use to help me deal with the way she is.    

It took a while to get used to being in the house I grew up in alone.  It just felt weird after Dad passed, seeing his things and Trey's room too.  But Dad's death was in some ways easier than Trey's because I could prepare for it and we had our chance to say goodbye.  On that Saturday morning I talked to him off and on for about an hour and a half while he was unconscious hoping that he could at least hear my voice if not the words.  I wanted him to know that whatever was on the other side, he'd be able to handle it and the peace he need so desperately would finally be with him.  I told him the only judgement he would face would be his own and that this life was nothing but a place for lessons to be learned.  I asked him to let go of any hatred he may have had in his heart because that was something that could be problematic later on.  I asked him if he would tell Trey I love him for me and I love you Deddy... no matter what... I love you.  As soon as I got up to get his next dose of meds he decided it was time to go.  

To be able to spend those last hours with him is something I will never forget but the most important thing for me was to know that he didn't have to suffer any more mental anguish and that he could be free.  Our acceptance and forgiveness of each other was a freeing thing and it has stayed with me since.  It took a while to get things settled after his death and to find a balance between work and getting things done around the house that had been neglected for far to long.  I had rented out the camper in an effort to make a few extra dollars and ended up having to sell it for next to nothing because by then it needed way more work to repair the damage that had been done to it after the last renters moved out.  The death of another dream became a relief in time.  I knew that my time of being on the road had passed and my new life here had began.  Later I had talked with someone from work who was going to bring his mom here to live and I told him I'm looking for another roommate.  His mom called me and she came up about a month later.  It's been well over a year now and things are good between us.  It's simple and of course no drama.  

When I got the call that Grandma had broke her hip and then a few weeks later that she was dying, I made several trips down to see her.  Mom had called Billy (moms half brother) to come down to take care of her and handle everything.  In a rare admission of one of her key issues, while still not acknowledging the consequences, she stated that she called Billy because she was tired of making decisions and it was his time to handle it.  And she meant it too because she rarely came out of her room the entire time.  I did talk to her some but made a point to get out there and at least be around the family.  I don't know why but I still felt like and outsider to a certain degree, through no fault of any of the family.  Maybe it was the fact that I didn't know some of them very well and hadn't tried.  During my visits and those last few weeks it again left like we were losing another part of our history and knew that would be the last time the family got together as a whole.  When I was down, there were different family members there each time save for Billy and mom.  I was apprehensive about seeing Billy because when I first moved home I needed help and wrote him a long detailed message which he read but didn't response to.  After 3 months had passed I sent him another message telling him that I was sorry to put him in that position but it not only bothered me that he ignored me completely but that was one of the major problems I saw with this family.  Emotional distance when it mattered the most, the lack of honestly and openness and the fact that he needn't worry about me asking him for or about anything again.  In true family fashion nothing was brought up and that was that.  On the day of Grandma's funeral I was surprised that Mom decided she would not go as were many others in the extended family.  She cited she didn't want the added stress and it would be harder for her to breathe.  

At the funeral I saw many relatives that I hadn't seen in ages and a few remembered who I was but I confess I had a hard time telling who was who.  I got asked a lot about why Mom wasn't there and for the most part I just stated she didn't feel good and left it at that.  The one exception was one of my cousins who is very sweet and engaged in her whole family asked me.  We had a few moments to speak of things and I gave her the cliff note version.  She was genuinely concerned about moms state of mind and our health as a family.  How can I explain a life time of dysfunction in 5 minutes or less?  In response to an offer to help I did tell her that her and her family seemed normal and I didn't know what to do with normal.  Later that day a great Aunt asked me how I was doing and then asked me to not become a hermit like Mom.  I just hugged her and assured her I do get out of the house for more than just work but I am doing fine at the moment.  Another cousins wife told me that I needed to get ready for my next adventure and when I asked what that may be, she said taking care of Mom.  I didn't respond to that because again the explanation would've taken a long while.  In reality I have asked Mom several times what she planned on doing when Grandma passes and to date the only response I get is "Can you check on how much it's going to cost to have me cremated?"  I'm still not sure what she wants to do in the interim but I have offered to help with anything I can.  All she needs to do is make a decision and call me when she needs something.  Indecision is a decision in and of itself and I am not going to force her to anything.  While I have accepted my Mom and forgiven her as well, it's not the same as it was with Dad and will probably need more work as time goes on and other things happen.  

For myself I am still grappling with the questions as to why am I still here and what more do I have to do and learn to complete this lesson plan.  I can tell you this, I have fallen behind on the reading and searching after coming home.  I needed time to absorb what was already taken in but since I've been home I try to maintain some clarity and contentment.  It is a little easier for me to not get so invested in other peoples issues and I can listen to them without becoming sucked into the vortex of the energy drain.  I know a lot of folks are looking for easy or simple solutions to the problems they face and there are very few of those solutions available that don't involve some other form of hard work in another area of their life to compensate.  After I'd been home for a while my friend Nic commented to me that I had changed a lot from when we were kids.  When asked how so (and I'm seriously paraphrasing here) she said "You used to be a lot more outspoken and would take on a lot of these miserable, lying, cheating people with everything you had."  Nic on the other hand was pretty quiet until her late teens early twenties when she started to take on her own types of people like that.  To this day she will try and win that battle that I told her was unwinnable because you can argue with the brick walls all you want but at the end of the day it was still a brick wall and you're still standing in the same location as you were when you started.  Some times you just have to recognize people for what they are and move on because wasting time and energy with then takes it away from your own life.  You don't have to like it but you would be much better off using that same passion for things and people that matter.  So now many people may look at my life as rather boring and that's okay, because boring is exactly what I needed for a while.  I needed to recharge my batteries and save my energy for the people who matter and that's one positive change that I've been able to make.         

In my readings I've learned that it is critically important to know thyself and because positive change can only come when we recognize who we really are and our subconscious desires or issues.  I am coming to grips with the fact that I love conditionally with everyone except Trey and that has caused many problems in my relationships with people.  In my earlier years I like many others was looking for love from many of the wrong people but never really learned how to feel the love even when it was given from an unexpected source.  I have learned that to love is to have knowledge, to have knowledge is to have light and to have light is to love but it has been a struggle for me to have been and be a person who has learned that too many people just can't hear or accept the truth especially about things that are as subjective as feelings.  External consideration is very important when having relationships while recognizing and neutralizing internal considerations.  It was my internal considerations that caused me to hold back many of my true feelings about others until I felt pushed over some invisible line, then would explode with the power of a small volcano.  This was not healthy no matter if it felt good at the time or not and it only caused more feelings of frustration, guilt and sometimes shame.  

Internal considerations is a form of selfishness and I was a lot more selfish than I realized.  Expecting people to be something that fit into my ideas of what they should be or to realize their own potential when they weren't ready, capable or even interested was something I've had to recognize and handle on a case by case basis.  Managing my expectations is still a challenge but at least with these tools and more practice I have a better chance of success.  Writing things out, even if I don't post them is my way of working out my frustrations with people or situations without sending it and of course without speaking to the person about everything I feel.  Now this doesn't mean that I'm not going to be honest if asked about one of these touchy subjects, but it does allow me to try and answer their question in a way that conveys my true feelings and with due consideration to theirs.  It has also allowed me to try and strengthen the bonds with the people I care about today.  It is not an easy practice and there is still a lot of room for improvement, but it's a start.


Wednesday, March 2, 2016

The more things change...

The more things change, the more they remain the same.  It's an old adage that seems to be more relevant today than ever before.  People I meet or have known for quite a while are still caught up in their day to day life as if nothing of importance is going on outside of the small world they have created for themselves.  They don't believe how things in far away places can touch their lives even though it does on a daily basis.  Even though they are sick, tired, broke or things are going alright for them they have opinions on what's wrong with the world without being informed other than what they hear on the nightly news, as if that's a reliable source for anything remotely close to the truth.  I guess it's still easier if we keep on blaming other people, cultures or religions for the problems rather than understanding that our ignorance is the main culprit and because of it we just can't see the forest for the trees

If fear is what drives hatred and the media makes sure that you are plenty scared of everything from plagues to Muslims now a days, you easily can cross over to hating everything.  And please notice that there is never a shortage of things to fear when it comes to the media.  If they are running low on something, they are not afraid to manufacture it out of thin air or blame one thing for the problem when it is caused by something else entirely, just to keep you in check.  People who are in fear are easier to control and therefor want to remain dependent on this sick system they have set up for us to protect us from all these bad things... most of which have been created for that very reason.  Clearly the system is not designed to protect any of us or the world would not be in the condition it is today.  It has been designed to exalt the rich, oppress the rest and consume as much of the earth as possible.  By this measure I think it has successfully reached it's goal.  I understand your fear and anger all too well but I've learned that we have been turned against one another for a very specific reason.

Since we are in another election year and the batch of new puppets to be voted into office is being debated, I'd like to point out again that the system is rigged from the top down and it really doesn't matter who wins.  It is not broken as many of you may believe, the system was designed the way it is to benefit the very few at the top at the expense of many at the bottom. Whatever puppet wins the title of president has probably already been determined and they will have to continue to play the game as instructed by the people who really rule this world.  The real rulers are the corporations that have more rights than we humans and pay far less in taxes than you probably did this year, then decides just how those tax dollars are spent.  And I've often wondered just how much is truly spent on each and every campaign that we have to endure and then think about how that money alone could help each and every human on the earth.  Just what do the candidates really have to agree to do in order to get those large sums of money from the corporations is something of nightmares in and of itself.  If you are really being honest with yourself, you know that every campaign if filled with false promises and outright lies designed to make you believe that they care for your well being, but after elections, it is business as usual... time and again.

These corporations have decided that war is the perpetual norm, food and water are to be private rights given to a select few who can pay for them, they have decided what we can and can't do with our bodies, they have decided what we watch, learn and think all through the restriction of vital and true information while feeding you a steady diet of propaganda. They have given you an enemy to fear and hate instead of hating them and have decided to wipe out whole populations just because they can and while they would like for your approval to continue to do so... it really isn't needed any longer.  They know that the dumbing down of America has succeeded and they have neutralized many of the intellectuals who have spoken out against the institution of oppression we all now live under. 
When you look around, that is if you can look up from your phone, you will see what you expect to see unless you really start to pay more attention to what is really happening around you and around the world.  The only way you can do that is to educate yourself about the facts and if you are relying only on main steam news, papers and of course the farce of the scientific community then you are not educating yourself, you are further indoctrinating yourself.  I know how easy it is to get caught up in the soundbites and headlines because even if you know that there is something very wrong with the world we live in, it's much harder to determine the root cause of these problems.  It's also much harder to dig deeper and go against the beliefs we have been living with for most of our lives to put yourself in an uncomfortable position of really thinking about the greed that we all live with or under in this sick society we have accepted as normal.  But instead of blaming other humans for this sickness it would be beneficial to look for the root of the problems and not the symptoms. 

So how about looking at it from the eyes of a child or better yet the eyes of your own child.  Children have to be taught hatred, apathy, greed, cruelity and any other behavior that is counterintuitive to what it is to be a human being.  What we are teaching our children whether we know it or not is that it's not important to be someone who is paying attention, who cares about another person whether they are a neighbor living near or far or their future is not important because if we keep making these choices to support fear, hatred and the destruction of society as a whole... they will not have a future to look forward to that is healthy, happy and whole.  After children are born we fill them with vaccines that cause more harm than health, feed them junk and turn them loose so the TV can raise them with the values it chooses.  When the kids are old enough we send them to what passes for school to sit in a chair for hours a day so they can memorize what passes for facts these days and when they can't we drug them so they can be more manageable.  If you are the type of parent who tries their best to instill values by teaching your children and think that the above does not apply to you, think again.  You will send your kids out into the world at some point in their lives and they will interact with many of these types of kids.  At certain points in their development they will become more independent and will learn much more from their peers than you would have ever thought possible.  This society has fostered a very narcissistic approach to what it means to be a human being and the disease seems to be contagious.   

Then they are subjected to incredible student debt if they want to further their own indoctrination in higher education or agree to go and fight in a war they didn't chose and possibly might die in All this so they can find a job working 40 to 80 hours a week until they die to pay for houses and cars they can't afford and all the crap advertisers swear we can't live without at the expense of spending time with the people we love.  And don't forget the fact we must insure everything we own including our lives and death so these companies can decide just how little of value we really are when we need them most.  Then we wonder what happened when they end up with major health problems, addiction, in jail or dead from some random act of violence or suicide.  This is not a future I'd like to see for any child but I guess in some war torn countries where the kids have endured the bombing of their homes while watching their families die at an alarming rate, scavenging for whatever food scraps are available and living in constant fear that they will be next... our bleak situation here at home looks like a walk in the park.

We do this to our own children so we ourselves can go to work a job that we probably hate to make just enough money to pay the most basic of bills.  It's the continual rat race on a wheel that goes nowhere and yet we willing if not happily get on that wheel and run, run, run.  While you are at work you look around and see there are many just like you, although you don't have the time to get too close to them or some times you may even hate the people you work with.  The work loads of you and your coworkers increase so often when someone leaves and the company decides not to replace them so they can have just a little more in the bottom line at the end of the year.  As you read or hear about another corporation closing down here in the US so they can send it overseas to be done for a fraction of the cost they pay you, you began to stress about not if but when it's going to happen to you.  Because deep down you know it is coming and you are simmering with anger due to the fear of losing what little you may have at the moment.   

But let's look at the flip side for just a moment.  The job that you were doing can go to another person who is forced to work twice as long for a fraction of what they were paying you just so they can try and support their family as well.  Often in living conditions that would be deemed close to inhabitable by most of us, without health care, days off, safety regulations or any of the luxuries that the middle class used to enjoy.  And yet you are going to despise that person who is another human being instead of the CEO and shareholders of that company for making this decision for both of you in the first place.  You have been taught to admire these CEO's and shareholders because they are wealthy and sold the false American dream that you too could be just like them.  But can you be just like them?  Heartlessly putting profits before people consistently just so you can fatten your own bank account while you watch the world tear itself apart bit by bit.  These people may look human but they have no conscience, no empathy, no morals and certainly no hesitation about the destruction they cause whether it is laying off thousands of people or sending young men and women to die in a war that was manufactured just so they can either rape the land of it's natural resources or continue to make them even more richer or more powerful.  If fact it's thrilling for them and it causes them much joy to see the heartache they have inflicted.  

They are called psychopaths and they have no problems poisoning the water with lead, fluoride, coal ash and other toxic chemicals while they drink filtered purified water and do nothing that will aid the people in times of crisis.  They have no problems feeding you the cheapest chemical laden stuff that passes for food while they enjoy clean eating to keep their up their health.  They have no problems destroying the land or soil and the air we breathe because it is far cheaper for them to pollute it than not and now they are trying to make it legal so they can get away with killing us for free.  They have no problem selling you pharmaceuticals that treat or manage your health issues they helped cause and they are not interested in curing anything.  It's bad for business and their bank account and now doctors are the biggest drug dealers around these days... all perfectly legal of course.  They are not interested in your education of holistic living and spend millions trying to debunk it's benefits so they can make sure you are completely indoctrinated and dependent on the system they have created for you.  

The psychopaths have made you hate people dependent on social programs such as welfare and food stamps while they themselves are the biggest winners of tax breaks and incentives to do business here is the US.  For the people who were so behind the idea that all welfare dependents should be subjected to a drug test, I'd like to point out that it was another huge win for the pharmaceutical industry for the test are expensive and they have made a fortune administering them but the results showed that less than 8% of the people where actually using and that was the national average. For NC it was about 3%, far lower than the average.  And let's not forget Obamacare that was supposed to help people who couldn't afford or get health insurance due to preexisting conditions.  Never mind that the poor are forced to pay an ever increasing extortion fee at the end of the year for not having it, the price of policies rose substantially, the price of drugs has risen through the roof and again the insurance companies have made another fortune... despite their claim of losing money like BCBS is.  That's their reason for pulling out of some of the rural areas here in NC leaving way to many to either pay the fines or find other outrageously priced plans.

I too am the type of person who goes to work everyday and rarely miss it for being sick.  I cashed in more vacation time than I ever took because I usually needed the money for one thing or another.  I was also frustrated that there were people out there who seemed to beat the system at their own game and I resented the hell out of it.  I felt that if I had to work so very hard to make my way in life that they should too.  But even before 2008 when my world changed forever I would lie in bed at night and think about the corporate world and be even more frustrated at the constant greed I saw in everyday living.  I was tired, stressed to the bone of handling it all with little help from the people in my life and was circling the drain of burn out.  I knew there was no help forthcoming from anywhere else and I made peace with it the best I could.  But I would also wonder what it was like to be able to make ends meet without having to pull all those long hours and actually have time, energy and money to do some of the things I wanted to do.  Then after a while it dawned on me that most of us will never be truly free.  We don't have the freedom to travel to see what else is out there very often if at all.  We don't have the freedom to spend time with the people who matter to us the most or to even do things we have dreamed of doing after retirement such as gardening or whatever makes your heart happy.  Today, I know like many of you, I will work until the day I die and that is economic slavery at its best.  Who needs chains when we can be enslaved by our society with the debt we have upon us to just to survive?

The privatization of our prison systems has resulted in many people incarcerated for the trivialist of reasons and the ones who do perpetuate the most horrific of crimes from stealing peoples livelyhoods or retirements to war criminals, go free and continue to expect for us to bail them out over and over again.  Now I'm not saying that the most violent of common criminals shouldn't be in prison because they should but this system allows those to get out sooner than some people who were convicted on a much smaller crime.  The laws we have are biased, some are just plain unjust and they are not uniformly enforced for everyone.  In this system it matters how much money you have and how many people you can bribe to stay out of jail... that is if they are even caught in the first place.  It speaks volumes that the US has the most incarcerated population in the world and yet crime continues to rise despite what the news is reporting.  More and more people are emulating what they see around them and play into the trap believing that they too can get away with murder, rape and robbery just like so many of the people in power.  Also more and more people who find themselves in situations of hopeless will also find the more they have to do just to survive.  The war on drugs is a complete con job that benefits the phamaceutical industry, the prison system, the government agencies around the world, some of the most violent criminals and of course is being used as another way to break society down so they are more manageable.  A better solution is to decriminalize the drugs to wipe out the criminal organizations and offer treatment programs along with counseling for all those who need it, but again that is not an option for the elite.   

Let's look at the reason we have some of these laws in the first placeAgain it's a measure of our societies health that we have to have laws against things like animal and child abuse because there are so many sick individuals who have no hesitation using and abusing the ones who cannot help themselves.  Unfortunately though, many of the ones who are caught and punished are the ones who are in the lower classes for the people who have much power and money are the really ugly perpetrators of things such as women and child trafficking.  This is happening all over the world and there is so much money in it, I don't see an end in the near future.  Conversely when there is someone who is brave enough to stand up and speak out on what they see whether it is an abuse of power, people or money, those people are treated as traitors and can be labeled an enemy of the state.  They are often stripped of their positions, money and reputations all in an effort to keep the secrets of the elite hidden from your eyes and make you doubt the real truth about what is happening in the world today.    

If you think about or are the type of person to scream at any homeless or jobless people to go get a job, try go finding one yourself first and see just how difficult that is today.  A small hand full may be successful but there are fewer well paying jobs than ever before and I can tell you that from first hand experience.  Never mind the fact that there are 2 to 3 times as many empty houses in America alone than there are homeless people and families living on the street today... and it is becoming illegal to be homeless to boot.  When you hear that the economy is doing better remember that for many of the working poor that were using public unemployment benefits while trying to find said jobs, had their benefits run out and are not considered in the statistics of unemployment any more.  They are the forgotten ones who have been tossed aside and left to die a slow and painful death.  And ask yourself why so many WalMart workers have to use food stamps which is encouraged by the company itself so they don't have to raise the rate they pay their employees.  So if the economy was doing as well as the media would have you believe then why are so many retailers closing so many stores or closing altogether?  Don't be fooled, the US economy is on it's deathbed because it has put profits before people to the point the people can't sustain it and when the GDP in based on people dying of disease, wars that are to be sustained and the ability of the richest of people to become richer... it too will die a slow and painful death.  Where will you be then?  Will you too find yourself homeless and still be angry at them?

For the people out there who can really see what's going and try to do something even if it's just creating a movement or demonstrating for a cause they believe in, you still need to understand that these movements will be corrupted by the powers to be.  They don't hesitate to have agent provocateurs infiltrate these groups and start trouble in the most public way to make you believe that the whole group is like them... to make you fear and hate them too.  On a larger scale this is what happened in other countries where the US doesn't like a leader that was elected by their own people who will not cooperate with the US's plan of world domination and try to lead their country as they see fit, usually for the betterment of the people.  That's why the US and it's allies or criminal corhorts don't ever leave the middle east and continue to carry out false flag operations to make you believe that the evil is out there... instead of being much closer to home.  And never mind all the billion of dollars sent to aid these allies and the continued efforts of the sustainable wars they have planedOur veterans, children, elderly, infrastructure that is falling apart at the seems and you and I of course are not important at all.         

One last disturbing thought for today again has to do with this election year.  While I have no faith in any of the candidates, I thought Trump was the most disturbing of them all.  It boggled my mind that this is what has become of America today but it shows the example of the culmination of everything mentioned in this post.  In some of the circles he is being likened to Hitler and the Muslims are now the new Jews.  Hitler was considered a buffoon by the intellectuals of his time when he first started to rise in power and they never believed he would go far.  He did and never again could very well happen again.  If you are against any of the refugees coming into the country then why are you all for people who destroy their homeland that causes them to flee in the first place?  It just doesn't make sense and if you think it could never happen to you then have lost your ability to remember history and your common sense too.  But on the flip side I understand that Trump is not interested in WWIII with Russia, understands quite well what he is up against with the corruption that runs deep in the government, and may be trying to play the twisted game until he has enough power to try and fix what he sees in wrong and that may be what makes him the lesser of two evils this time around because Hillary sure is a career liar, politician and criminal who will continue to send the world in utter chaos while claiming to fight for us little people.  All I can tell at this time is we will wait and see if Trump is elected over Hillary just what he will do in the log run.    

On the flip side President Putin has done much for his country in fighting corruption to helping his people by encouraging an economy based on healthy goals, to helping his neighboring counties in crises (mostly designed by the US) all the while standing up to the US policies of death and destruction and he is portrayed as the villain in what passes for media these days.  So history is repeating itself and we are hating the people who dare to speak the truth and are rallying for the liars and cheats who will continue to oppress each and every one of us until there is nothing left.  It reminds me of the quote that the germ is not concerned with the health of the host it lives in and will continue to consume the host until it dies, never understanding that it too will die when the host does.  So make no mistake about it, we are being consumed in more ways than one by more than one germ and our ignorance is the power to make it all possible.  

So I understand your frustration at the situation we all find ourselves in.  I share your sadness at seeing what is being done to our world and also understand that there is little we can do at the moment... without a real and true idea of where the problems originate from.  Whatever solution that is offered up by anyone who has any power here in the US is suspect to me because it is either too little too late or it is something that will be sold as one thing then turn into our worst nightmare.  I can see that it will take generations to clean up this mess if it's even possible because it would take every living being with a soul working together to achieve this goal.  That's a pretty large order considering that even our DNA needs to be repaired from all the damage that it has undergone since the industrial revolution started.  And not all people are ready to wake up either.  You can't wake a person up who is not ready no matter how much evidence or proof you present.  All you can do is continue to observe, learn what you can, share what you've learned when you can and prepare for what is to come to the best of your ability.  And remember there are people out there who do care and try to do the right thing even if it cost them everything.  There is hope for us to change and change starts at home...