Friday, January 20, 2012

The Weirdness Within

 <<<<< Volume 1. Vol. 2.>>>>> 1. The Weirdness Within, 2. The Uncomfortable Consumer, 
3. Technology, Me and Programs, 4. When will we ever learn?, 5. Sex, drugs and smoking,
6. Suppression Equals Depression, 7. Practicing Awareness, 8. Long Distance Friendships During War, 9.  Away we go, 10. Children and Pit Bulls at Christmas, 11. The other side of the story...I & II, 12. The things that divide us, 13. Getting a plan together and a Garden, Click the links within the post to see the relevant stories, pictures or videos and thanks for stopping by!

Knowing oneself is much harder than it seems at times but I have figured out a few things about myself.  Even when I decided to be open and honest with people for some reason I still felt like a fraud and I have yet to find a good answer to that.  Growing up I had a bundle of insecurities like many kids do and couldn't wait until I got older because older folks can say just about anything they want to and get away with it.  Guess what?  I am old now :)  While some of you desire to go back to the simpler time of childhood, I can't say I am with you on that.  I didn't enjoy childhood for many reasons and have zero desire to repeat it or any other mistakes.  But even as I got older and was trying to find a place in the world that would accept the real me.  I found that there is a time and a place for everything but the world still has demands that must be met and without the proper knowledge I have pretty much been stumbling around in the dark trying to find a clue.  The one thing I haven't done a lot of was worrying about my weight... if you hadn't noticed it has gone up and down over the years and not because of diets.  In fact I haven't owned a scale in years.  When my pants get tight is how I tell if I gain or loose when I lose weight.  When I am miserable I lose weight because I quit eating and when things are going pretty good I usually gain it back rapidly like most.  After I got older there were so many others issues to deal with that weight was not a big priority but it was nice to be able look good in clothes for a minute.  Now I'd rather feel good rather than look good so hopefully I can find a happy medium soon.        

I also know I am full of contradictions but try to keep the double standards in check.  I am serious, stubborn, sometimes intense and other times careless or silly.  I can laugh at myself and do quite often.  I am selfish too usually about things like time, energy and just plain self preservation.  I am usually a quiet person (in tone maybe not in content :)  but have limits just like everyone else and when pushed too far I will push back... LOUDLY!  I can be mean as hell too, just ask any one of my exes on that.  But I don't like that part of me very much.  Meanness is really of waste of energy and time.  Dealing with the anger I had over the years was something like just sitting in the car and screaming to myself just to let it out.  Good angry music where you can belt out the tunes also helps with the release of the energy too.  The weird part is it takes a lot for others to make me mad but I still get mad at myself for even some of the smallest things.  I also find it harder to forgive myself than others because I am supposed to have control over myself.  Some days are better than others and I would rather cry in private but sometimes that is not an option either.  And for the most part some of the most beautiful acts of kindness make me cry quicker than most horrors in the world.  It's not like I don't feel them, it's more like I've been desensitized to the sheer quantity of those acts over my life time. But I do think about them and most importantly remember that in this world of darkness there are flashes of light and purity to be found, cherished and guarded as if our life depended on it... because it usually does.   

For a lot of reasons I have a hard time staying close to people and I can't say it's all about abandonment issues because I have accepted people come and go, mostly because some change and others don't.  I walked away from as many as had walked away from me over the years.  I had been waiting to find the person that didn't need to be changed but was all grown up and ready to go but they must be busy because I sure haven't met them.  While loss had gotten somewhat easier, again losing Trey has been an experience in loss that was so over my head that I have yet to wrap my brain around it all.  I haven't minded talking about some of the things I have done in the past but that's only a certain level of intimacy.  As for really opening my heart up, only Trey was able to do that like no other because it was a completely different dynamic.  I also know it was more than being worried about getting hurt because I understand risk verses reward, which led me to take calculated risks.  I have leaned toward the practical more often than not and sometimes people may think I am a stick in the mud.  At least until they were drowning in quicksand like one of my exes and then all of a sudden I am standing on solid ground so now they are looking for me to save them... from themselves.  I often felt like I was his security blanket in the world but maybe he was really mine all along.  Maybe that's why I stayed with him so long, and there was no danger of me really having an opportunity to reveal the contents of my heart to him because I knew he wouldn't have a clue what to do with it if I did.  The world has made me harder and not so much smarter. 

I feel as I must qualify my thoughts on violence since it has reared it's ugly head from time to time in my life.  Despite all the confrontation with various people I've had through out my life, I do not like violence.  I don't subscribe to pain just for the sake of pain nor do I wish to ever deal it out.  Pain teaches us what not to do and if we are not smart enough to learn by any other means then pain is usually the last option.  All to often in my life I experienced a lot of physical pain or threat of it and after a while I learned what to do to make it stop.  It is very unfortunate in our world that some people will never hear you when you need them to the most.  For those who pushed roughly for too long are pushed back with all the force I have inside simply because it was all they understood.  When I wrote One Split Second, I experienced two such confrontations which allowed this force to work through me to save my life.  I can't explain most of it or even why, I just know that this force worked using methods I had only heard about and walked me out of danger too many times to count.

I didn't even know I liked learning until I got out of the classroom because they still make me go to sleep.  But I do eventually get the point even if I can be slow as molasses sometimes.  I believe everything in moderation but truly understand how hard that is sometimes.  We are all pretty much addicted to something like food, caffeine, nicotine, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, tv, phones, other people, work, money, power or even God.  When my old neighbor told me she believed the reason we all had a tendency toward addiction was so we would be addicted to God, I thought about it and then in my head said, "Well how's that working out for them?"  But I wouldn't say that to her because I didn't want her to think I was making fun of her beliefs.  Being quiet is hard when I have a natural tendency to talk about what ever pops in my mind but I have learned over time that not everyone shared my views or my sense of humor.  I remember Larry Millers doing his routine in Just Words where he talked about just pretending to have a clue when he looked into the mirror in the morning before going off into the day.  I could seriously relate!  This adult business is hard, so do any of us really have a clue about the meaning of it or life itself?  To me it is an oxymoron to have an adult who isn't grown up but there are so many of those.  I really feel more grown up but not so much an adult and yes there is a distinction if only minutely.    

Even being a PI I felt like a fraud because I didn't investigate much.  It was really baby sitting mostly and that does not take a lot of brain power.  Just patience and that comes and goes with me at any given time.  I can't even help people find others they are looking for because I don't have access to the resources or databases any longer and no licenses  that are required to back it up in court.  But I did get out of the business for many reasons so that's not what I do any more.  It's an old life that holds no lure for me any more.  Most importantly though with Trey and the situation we were in, also made me feel like a fraud because even though I was his mom I didn't get to be that in every sense of the word.  This was and is the hardest struggle I deal with on a regular basis.  I wasn't there when I should have been and simply waited too long to do something about it.  I can say that although I did go on auto pilot some, for the most part being his mom was more than going through the motions.  I did foster that connection we had but I can't ever say it was enough.  I was too busy trying to get a handle on this adult stuff because I thought that's what you were supposed to do.  Again, what do I know?  There have been times in this world where I have been scared right down to my bones but I made my way through it and now that my worst fear had been realized... it is very tough to scare me now.  Tough, not impossible though.         

Being an adult in today's world means something different than it did even as little as 20 years ago.  I have read where a lot of kids don't trust adults and I can certainly see why.  We over complicate or over simplify things (usually the wrong things at the wrong times) and I have wrote before that kids pick up on stuff, even the stuff you don't want them to.  Just maybe when kids think of adults as being wrong... they are on to something.  How many of us thought when we grew up and had kids that we were not going to do some of the same things our parents do, only to either repeat the pattern or only a few go in the opposite extreme?  It seems like the definition of being an adult in today's world is to be able to buy lots of stuff for lots of people and I was wondering how we became cash cows.  More importantly why are we continuing to devalue human life over any and everything?  How can we as a human race be so conceited in our absolute knowledge when life has so few absolutes?  For me it's been hard to even have a conversation about life's matters let alone network to find a solution because so few have one.  

Maybe because I was an only child but I really like being with older people because they seem to know things that I didn't.  Some times they gave me way more credit than I deserved because I didn't always understand what they were trying to say.  They can be a bit cryptic at times but now I understand that when speaking in generalities they were trying to preserve some idea, not so much just information for a specific situation.  I think the goal was to make me think about it myself using analogies much like I've done through out this blog.  But not every older person is going to be wise and just like with people your own age, you have to be careful who you listen too.  Some people are just plain crazy without a clue about anything and those are the ones to watch out for.  My problem is I've always thought those folks were the most fun to watch as they take on the world... which is probably how I ended up as a PI too.   But that left little time to converse with real, smart, emotionally mature people who are often driven themselves and therefor busy as bees. 

I never really understood the folks that went out to look for themselves because with me wherever I go, there I am.  The good, the bad and the ugly but still me.  Also too many people seem to define themselves as the job or career they do and for me it took a really long time to find out what I was good at.  By then it was a little late to be starting from scratch so I decided to do it just for myself and by watching the old design shows or HGTV is where I learned what I love to do.  If I was better at math I might have gone into architecture or just designing homes.  You may not think that is weird but being such a tomboy and growing up in a trailer or the hood, I thought that interior decorating was a girly job and I would have rather been doing something like the demolition derby or join a circus... just kidding.  In career day all those years ago the few selections they had did not appeal to me whatsoever.  But how do you know if you are good at something if you don't at least try and go into it knowing you must learn the steps before you can dance?  I have found that most of us CAN do just about anything we set our mind to but it comes down to whether we WILL or not.  That's perfectly okay as long as you are honest about what that is and I may not know what I want... but I am sure I know about what I don't want.   On the flip side to this just because you CAN do something doesn't always mean you SHOULD and I have really worked on that part.

I keep hearing people say, well fake it until you make it but how long do you carry on before you realize that it's just not going to work?  We are already forced to be a representation of ourselves out in the business world but must we adopt that attitude in our private life too?  In my personal observations when going that route you usually just make a mess.  I know some of the people in my life just wanted me to be okay after Trey died and it was almost like they expected me to just get on with the same old life that simply didn't fit anymore.  Hmmph!  Easier said than done but while talking about it with our group of moms, I heard a very good analogy of wearing the mask of being alright when everything is anything but.  So again here I was left with the same feelings of having to live up to others standards of what is alright in today's world.  SSDD and it still doesn't fit any better than it did before.  You have to let go before you can start over and again it is a process not something you can just say and poof... it's done.  When I started my life over for the upteempth time some were looking at me as if I had lost my mind and in reality, I just lost the last bit of tolerance I had for being stuck behind this facade.  When I start over I clear everything out before I decide what is next and some folks are just not ready for that.  I think I understand a little better now why I felt like a fraud so much.  I never agreed to the terms and conditions of adulthood so that is part of it but it's understanding how little I know that makes it so frustrating at times.  But we are all living in a counterfeit culture where most everything is fake and when you are trying to be real in this world... all too often others mistake you for the fake. Too many adults are unaware of themselves and some are even cruel just for the sake of it... just turn on your TV and you can see what I mean.  I am a lot of things but cruel is not one of them and if that is the price to pay for being a adult in this seriously twisted world we live in... then you can just keep that ticket.  I will find my own way thank you very much.                                   

Know Thyself

2. The Uncomfortable Consumer >>>>


Friday, January 13, 2012

Closing in Contradictions

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy, 
4.  Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this?, 26. Where did you get that from?27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>

Thank you for reading about my life's ups and downs.  Writing this has been an exercise in trying to learn to communicate with others better.  If you don't know me personally then I may seem as strange to you as a UFO but this is an open blog.  Anyone can read the contents even the people I have been writing about.  Now I doubt they will trip over this accidentally but you just never can tell.  The purpose was to get it out and put it in order as best as possible and then try and understand just what did happen and why.  I have bared some of the most personal things here in the book and it is still just the tip of the iceberg but this was a starting place that I may reference back to as needed.  But most of this book was my opinions and I feel they may have a little more weight if you know where I came from.  It was my way of boiling down the known facts and emotions to the barest of minimum, while retaining enough of the important details.  It's was about exploring mistakes, people, situations and there is a lot more of that to come but I've got a lot more work to do on myself so this was just the beginning.  I highly recommend you trying your hand at writing because you may find reasons that were just waiting for you to discover them. As I have been proof reading over and over again, it sometimes sparks another memory and another plus is if I ever get Alzheimers I can always refer back to this... if I can find it that is... ;)

There is so much more inside me than this though, but having no way to really express it has been a life long thing so this is the next best thing.  Another thing I learned over time was to keep the things I cared for the most quiet, so that the people in my life didn't use them against me for one reason or another.  But doing that has made talking about the good times harder and I've really had to dig deep for those special moments that were buried under all the ugliness of life.  I've tried to weave together a complex set of circumstances into a cohesive and objective way.  By changing the names of many who were involved I have provided some anonymity at least to the casual reader but for those who know, the clues are all there for you to figure out if you are so interested.  I think it would be really neat if just one person who was written about here would write their own therapy blog so I could see their side of things, but I won't hold my breath on that either.  The bad experiences taught me as much if not more than the good ones at times and while I am no expert at anything, I do know that the actions of several people I have wrote about were very painful because I do feel intensely.  My question was or do they ever feel intensely about anything other than themselves?  But one good thing that comes from dealing with such people is you not only can realize who are the good ones but you appreciate them all the more for it.      

While I have written some through out my life, mostly in notebooks and not near as concise or complete, this is the first time I have put it out there publicly.  Again I am sorry I had to repeat some things but I was trying to make it clear for even the folks who don't know us or our situations to be able to follow my train of thought.  By putting people in their own chapters I hope I made it easier to understand who was, what, where and when... but for the most part many of those things were happening simultaneously.  I have always had a hard time with time itself.  Keeping up with it and thinking about it in a linear way is not the way I have viewed life.  In fact after reading more and more about it I found that there is really no such thing as time and we humans made it up... along with a lot of other things apparently.  So are we are really living on a cylindrical loop of time or a circle in a circle spinning simultaneously maybe even in opposite directions?  Maybe within the circle of the circle we each flow in our own pattern like that of a spiral that spreads out as it moves further from the center to ever reaching destinations.  I don't know and it's just a thought but it does explain why I have such a hard time keeping up with time!  But it doesn't really explain why I feel time is still running out or for what even.

Another analogy I've been pondering is The Tree of Life where we start out as roots and grow into the trunk, then on to branches that will in turn divide with each decision we make ultimately leading us to our final destination at the top of the tree... if we choose wisely that is.  Some I think may just move laterally to one side or the other and still other branches may wither and die altogether.  What ever pattern your life follows it still originates within the first loop that contains the patterns for all life and the cycle seems to repeat as many times as necessary for us to learn what we need to learn.  In other words sometimes you need to get to the root of the problems in order to heal them so you can grow stronger and healthier.  Our souls are connected to one another but we have become very disconnected through artificial means over many years making it very hard to see the forest for the trees. 

But I found that not everyone's final destination is at the top of the tree.  Some are comfortable where ever they land and there is not enough fertilizer on earth to change their location in life.  While I used to envy those who are satisfied with very little I will never be satisfied with little intellect or motivation to learn because it is not who I am.  There is so very much out there for us to learn and I want to learn but I can't drag anyone else into the light or any where else for that matter.  It has and always will be their decision to come willingly or not.  All except for Trey because he was so young and it was my job as his mom to open him up to as many new ideas as possible.  Now with him gone my focus has dwindled considerably and just trying to figure out what to do next is the crossroads I have arrived at once again.  The one thing I can say for sure is I am looking for a better way.  I didn't want to face certain aspects of my life for a while but that time is now over too, but things are open to new possibilities.  Welcome to the new me and the new world.

I've spent most of my life waiting on one thing or another to resolve, most of which I had little or no control over and now I find that waiting on people to make a decision about really important matters is the toughest thing for me to do.  I know I only have a few more years to complete the loads of work necessary so that I can enjoy the rest of my time in a peaceful place with most of the hard stuff handled and the lessons more to my development at that stage but the people in my life right now are not on the same page and I am not sure if they ever will be.  I am not saying any of them are bad people... but they are not really interested in listening to who I am much less what I'd like to do in my life.  The frustrating part is that I do know them and have listened intently to their words but also watched their actions.  They are content with what they have and where they are at and I am not... if fact I am so tired of waiting that the frustration mounting is another sign that things are fixin' to take another turn here in my little world.  I don't think I have ever felt important enough to anyone in my life for them to actually make room for me or give a few concessions that would allow me to remain in their life, other than Sherri.  I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for people who can compromise, make a decision and stick with it.  I have given all I have and quite simply I am give out but I can not sit here living with the wishful thinking of others because I know how unproductive that is.  But if it is their choice then at some point in time I will have to make one myself.  

In my life time, I have felt like the donkey who is forever trying to reach a carrot that is being dangled in front of them by a rider with another goal in mind.  Those days of me going the distance on blind faith are long gone too.  I know we all want to feel appreciated but just saying the words holds little value for me.  It must be shown and when it is not after a time then I must look at the root of the problem and then make a decision to move on or deal with it.  I have stated clearly and often that I am looking for people who can care about more than just themselves and accept responsibility for their actions.  I also understand that people change or not who you thought they were but I am also tired of paying the price in the end for my own ignorance.  While I will always care for my roommate and long time friend we are very different people as I have said before but I am not even the same person I was before losing Trey so now the gap widens a little bit more very day.  He is running on the hamster wheel and I can't reach him from here.  I am not getting on the hamster wheel to nowhere again and that's that.  

He deals with a petty tyrant even when this tyrant may cost him everything he worked so hard for, all the while causing damage to many other people around him at the same time.  He is also becoming his own petty tyrant but this is his lesson to learn for I have already completed that course.  I asked him did he want to keep arguing with the tyrant about who is boss or did he want to be the boss.  I told him that just because he was the idiot whisperer that didn't mean he couldn't take a break from it once in a while.  :)  I know just how destructive those types of people are and he does too, if the truth be told because I have showed him but as to whether he applies what he's learned remains to be seen.  If you are asking why do I care then you must know I do care about him and his future and can see the toll it is taking on him but the problem remains his to handle.  While he is arguing with the tyrant a lot of work is not being done and again... it is not my company so I have little control over the outcome... only the clean up. 

These are just some of the things that are going on right now and the next book will explore what, who, how and maybe I'll find a path that is right this time.  I know I have a pretty good life here and I am not complaining about it... much.  But this is not my life, it is really my roommates and I have waited long enough to be able to do the things I enjoy and find people who are interested in the same ideas.  I would like things to work out by way of compromises on both of our parts but that has not always been my experience.  I do want to continue to help him as best as I can, but I do not want to keep applying bandaids to the mounting problems that must be solved.  Our differences could and do work well together... sometimes but we are fast approaching the point of an opportunity that has passed.  He lumbers on as if he has all the time in the world but I know that all of our time on earth is limited and my patience is almost non existent.  Is it his fault?  Certainly not but the fact remains the same no matter the circumstance.  To me it is all about making choices and my choice is to stop waiting for others to care about themselves or even me.  The closet idealist hopes that a true partnership can be formed where there is a comfortable give and take and I am working on that because it is important but the realist sees a need to close out this chapter and start fresh.

I have lived a life of contradictions and my roommate has too.  The only difference is, I understand mine a little better and use them to make decisions instead of a reason not to.  And please don't misunderstand because I know I can be a difficult person to live with.  I do my best to keep it under control but there comes as time when you must lay all your cards on the table and that is what I am doing here.  I care for him enough to be honest even if I lose his friendship and my place to live because it is the right thing to do.  I will never be a great pretender and I can only hope that it is enough in the long run.  I know I am damaged but I do try to heal and learn because I have made enough mistakes as it is.  Will he?  Only time will tell and no matter what happens, I always be thankful to him for everything he has done.  While I am living this chapter I will still continue to write about many other things but when it is done I'll let you know whether this was merely another stepping stone to life or a place I can truly call home... at least for a while longer. ;)


End of Volume 1 
Volume 2. Ch. 1. The Weirdness Within >>>>>           

Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy, 
4.  Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this?, 26. Where did you get that from?27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>

30. Closing in Contradictions >>>>>