1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this?, 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
When Trey started middle school at the same one I went to, the changes were starting to come more frequently. If you have followed from the beginning then you know I am not one to claim being perfect and I sure know that Trey wasn't either. But he really was a sweet, sensitive kid underneath the big mouth in the little body growing up. He was a handful at times and as he got older it got harder to take him out because of it. But he and my mom spent many an afternoon at the movies whenever possible and they went down to my grandmothers on some weekends too. While somethings may change others would remain the same it seems. July the 4th we all would head uptown to watch the fireworks which he absolutely loved. For his birthday's I would ask him what he wanted to do and we would do it for the most part, whether it be a small party and sleep over or taking a gang of kids out to eat. It was great to see him being able to talk to someone other than me or mom and especially kids his own age. And yes kids can still be brutal with the zings to each other but it was fun to watch and Trey held his own... most of the time.
In fact I spent a lot of time asking him what he wanted to do over the years and one reason was I wanted him to have some sense of control over his life and with me. Someone on the outside looking in may think I was trying to be his friend but I never felt I had very much control over my life when I was younger and wanted to give him as much as possible... within reason. There were times in his life when he pushed, he found the line and I didn't hesitate to put the fear of God in to him. His dad, my dad and mom dealt with it different ways and I dealt with it in another way again different from the rest. By this time mom was slowing down and getting older. She just wasn't able to do all the things she used to do and the generation gap was starting to show between the two. Dad still pretty much was doing his thing but would spring for a pizza every now and then. Trey would talk to me about how it was with my mom and I would tell him he was lucky because he was experiencing the kinder gentler version 2.0 and I would tell him how it was with the original version with her. As far as I was concerned she had mellowed a great deal and I told him he should really be thankful for that but I don't think he could see the humor in it at that age. When he would ask questions about personal stuff I would tell him the truth to the best of my knowledge at any given time because the truth is hard to determine when others are involved and the things I've done are out there so I wanted him to hear it from me. I felt if he was old enough to ask then he was old enough to understand.
The conversation that really let me know he was paying attention to the world a bit more closely came about when he was 11 and when his father had popped in his life for a while. After a weekend over there he came to my house later and asked me something about his dad. I don't remember what or my response because I always kept them light when talking about his dad. I didn't want to be the one talking a lot of crap about the other one and hoped that taking the high road would pay off in the long run. But he told me that day he felt like his dad only paid him any attention when he was trying to impress a girl. WOW! Out of the mouths of babes! When I agreed that it did indeed look like that, he asked why. I told him he would have to ask his dad that because I sure didn't know the answer. Because Marvelous was now back in the picture it seems that my exes feathers were once again ruffled and he started to tell Trey some very untrue things about the way things happened back then. As a rule I wouldn't ask too many questions about my ex, his situation, partners or such because I really didn't want to know. My only concern was that he and any partner he chose had to treat Trey right. In others words do not jerk my kid around and do not hurt him in any way, shape or form and we are good. Seems simple right? Not a chance. I sat down with Trey and had another longer talk with him about the events of our break up and told him pretty much everything that was done. Including if not specifically my actions and have always tried to used them as a lesson on what not to do.
I'll never forget the first Christmas Trey got to spend over at Marvelous's parents house with all the kids present which was roughly about 10 to 15. In all his short years he had experienced a sort of orderly opening of gifts with my family and usually he was the most excited one there. But that year was especially festive for many different reasons and when it came time for the kids to open their gifts all you could see was wrapping paper flying in every direction with shouts and hollers coming furiously in between about 12 cameras going all at once. When it was over he just looked stunned! (No photos of that time unfortunately and somehow an album of pictures went missing after he died so who knows?... and yes I was mad as hell about it too!) And when we got home he went to sleep almost immediately after sitting down on the couch. :) That was one tired little pup there. I can tell you he never had a shortage of kids his age to play with aside from the trailer park. He had been hanging out with the kids of my friends from Spunky at the bar who had a son Trey's age to all the kids at the farm and then Bonnie's son who was a few years older to the Marvelous family clan. It was around this time we tried to get him to go to a haunted house and as we were sitting in the parking lot, he kept saying... nope I am not going in... y'all go ahead, I'll be right here when you're done. So we all left and skipped it for plain old trick or treating... again. Later we took him to Carowinds and curiously he didn't want to ride too many of the roller coasters and that to me was the whole point of going there. He was more interested in the water gun ride than anything else and after a while I talked him onto one, I think, they call the Drop Zone where you slowly ride up and then they let you fall real fast. He was not amused and told me that he wasn't going to be riding any more rides with me. But he did go back there with his Aunt D over the years and probably had a better time because there were kids to play with.
Marvelous had been wanting to go to the drive in movie theater in the next county but I had already been living in my car for work and really didn't want to spend my free time in it as well. But we took Trey out there to watch Ice Age and something else and had a blast that night. I believe Marvelous took him fishing one time and after those first early times, things slowed down considerably with him because Marvelous had other things to do. After the middle break up, Trey saw how miserable I was with the whole mess and for Valentines Day he drew mom, dad and me a heart on a large cardboard piece but with mine he wrote a little letter telling me even though my heart was broken it would get better with time and signed it... your ever loving goof ball. It was a big piece that I've since had framed because the message was not lost. It was in this, that I saw the ultimate reason for Marvelous and I believe it was so Trey could write me that message to have for later on. And Trey could draw even better than I could so I could see that he had a lot of creative talent and he really had a very big heart underneath the bravado. During one evening I think he had missed his shower the day before and I was telling him to get in there and get clean and of course his selective hearing was on full blast that day so I got the can of Lysol and started spraying his feet and jeans, then he grabbed one of his awful smelling shoes and was trying to stick it under my nose until we both collapsed from laughing.
Trey's friend Brian had died around the time he was 14 and it was the first time Trey had experienced a loss like that and it affected him deeply for a long time after. I think he was more affected by it than he knew because he got to be a little more angrier about life and started to act out more often because of it. I don't really know who offered him his first joint but when he smoked it he became a much more laid back kid and the hyperactivity became a thing of the past. As most of you can guess mom was not pleased by this and decided that it was time to do something different but she had no clue what to do and any suggestions I had were pretty much ignored because that wasn't her way of doing things. Even though they loved each other they still argued with each other just based on general principles and the struggle for control was again the center of the story. Meanwhile he was over at my house shopping for dinner in my cabinets and raiding my CD collection because he found many he liked and never thought I would too. Mom was jamming on Sitting on the Dock of the Bay and I was enjoying the light classical sounds of Metallica and Nirvana along with many others more current to the generation. Once in my car the song Alive came on and because he had been talking about this or that movie non stop the whole ride, I cranked up the volume and started singing the lyrics at the top of my lungs. When it was over he asked me how I could remember the words to the song and I told him the first important step was he had to be quiet to LISTEN to the words before he could learn them. Again he was not amused :)
Before Trey went to live with his dad and wife #3, as I have said before I tried to talk him out of it originally because I knew it was a bad idea and the reasons behind it. At this time I had not refinanced my house and had a few more options at the time and again we sat down and I explained the situations pro or cons. I told him that if he wanted to move in with me that he would have to do so at that time because after the refinance it would be harder because money would be tighter and there would be no more putting anything on the credit card at that point. But that pitiful offer could not compete with the lure of a drivers license and a car, which is what his dad had promised. I had heard his dad even had the car in his possession but because of experience I knew that not much would come out of it because it still needed a lot of work. On the other hand here was a chance for him to really get to know his dad up close and personal because it was through this method that he could make up his own mind about him without input from others. Most of that ordeal has been explained in other chapters but this one detail would make my heart swell with pride although I'm not sure that you may think it is appropriate. Toward the end of his stay with his dad he was feeling rather mad and wanted to know the truth about his dad and his new step mother... so he took one of the baby monitors and placed it under their bed so he could hear anything that was said. No matter how horrifying to think about what he may have heard, it was his enginuity that allowed him to hear the words... the only reason he is living with us is to save the child support money... out of the horses mouth or the wife's rather.
Now think for just a moment about what I did for a living at the time and you will see why I was so proud of him. He was searching for the truth using any means necessary and I could relate to that. One last sad but true fact... I spoke with my ex husband by phone just before the new school year was about to start and he asked me for some money to buy Trey some clothes. I told him I would take Trey shopping for the clothes myself so that I could make sure he actually got the clothes and he was not very happy about that decision. My ex had also already started to pursue his own child support case against me because I got the notice at work but it wasn't until later I found out just how slick he thought he was. But at the end of Trey's stay with his dad when he asked if he could move in with me and in trying to teach him some responsibility, I said no not until after graduation. That idea was also found to be no good when mom said that Trey could come back and live there. Before he left from his dad's though I told him that he needed to be honest with his dad about how he felt and tell him he was leaving, but have his stuff packed first, if that's what he wanted to do. Of course that is not how things played out and Trey decided to rush through it instead by blurting out what was wrong and then bailing out the window when the time came.
It was only afterward that I understood why Trey felt that way was his only option to get out and I hate I missed some of the signs. My ex had decided that Trey could quit school and just work full time and then he would still keep all the money Trey made to boot... combine that with the regular denial of food for a growing teenage boy and the physical confrontations, the likes of which I can only imagine and you have a very volatile situation indeed. These were other pieces of handy information that wasn't available until it was too late. I did the math too and here is what I got. The ex was saving the $400 a month child support payment and probably was going to ask for at least that much in return. Add the $800 Trey earned during the summer and that puts about $1600 a month into his and his wife's pockets. I hate to sum it up that way, but it looks like Trey's life was only worth money to his dad and all the mounting evidence is there for all to see. Even if my mom wasn't a pack rat all of this is on file at the clerks office, child support office, my exes - mine - moms old bank statements and the 4 different attorney's offices that have been used over the years. It was just more conflicting messages in Trey's mind and I at first thought he had learned how to manipulate the situation until I found out the whole story... to the best of my knowledge, that is. The one question that occurs to me now is did all his father see when Trey died was dollar signs? And the answer is most definitely yes! Later when my dad called and asked him to share his portion which was fair all my ex said was he has paid child support for 17 years and didn't own him a thing. We all know that is another bold faced lie and I hope that one day Marshall Freeman Hinson (Jr.) and Tina Fox Hinson remember all this when karma comes a knocking. I still don't understand how that attitude is possible because I would have given everything I had just to see him one more time...
Anyway I knew that something really bad had happened at his dads because you could see the changes in Trey like night and day but I wasn't getting the whole story either and it was highly frustrating at the time. Mom still wasn't going to allow him to smoke and he certainly hadn't earned the right to do it because I felt you have to be responsible for it and everything else you do and Trey was far from responsible at that point in time. He eventually got a job at the local pizza place and kept it for 3 weeks before quitting and I still knew he had a long way to go before he grew up. But I was proud when he had mom take him to the store before dropping him off at one of the football games. After he got out, mom looked at the receipt that he left and it was for a pack of gum and some condoms. At least he was using the old noggin and I couldn't complain. Trey was like so many young boys in the regard that when he found his johnson, he seemed like he never got tired of playing with it. I even had to ask him could he please not relieve himself on my new furniture? I told him that's what they make showers and soap for and he just looked at me in the strangest manner. I wrote about the last few times we were together in One Last Time if you are just joining me here.
One night he went to stay with his friends at their house and the two of them met up with several others where they had a grand ole time. Roughly at 3am, mom got a knock at the door from the police department looking for Trey who had got away from them last night and mom told him they had the wrong boy because he was over at a friends house that night. The officer left a card with instructions to come into the station in the a.m. so they could have a little talk. Well Trey came home, heard the news and they went to see the officer, but when they got there the officer was out and not expected to be in for a while, so they left. Mom calls me and tells me the story and I listen to it telling her yes they probably just had the wrong kid, but I knew in my heart he was probably as guilty of as a fox in a hen house. I even asked him about it later and he told me oh nothing happened mom and changed the subject. Now you had to know him to really understand but I had a long talk with him when he and some friends of his were doing things they shouldn't be doing. I told him I loved him dearly but he sucked as a criminal because he always left bread loaves on the way to the scene of the crime and maybe he needed to rethink his future at the time because that one wasn't looking too bright. It wasn't until after he died that we got the rest of the story as Paul Harvey would have said it.
The kids had left and been picked up by the only girl that had a car and were pulling out of the neighborhood where they picked the last one up from. As soon as they did they saw the blue lights and were pulled over. All were asked to get out of the car and Trey complied. But when it was his turn to answer questions and the first one being what was his name... he looked at he cop and told him his real name while pivoting in his untied shoes... and proceeded to run out of his shoes toward the woods. Bread loaves I'm telling ya! That of course caused the cop to get mad and start a search in the cold evening air through the woods. Somehow, someway Trey made it through the woods without getting caught after a few hours and got to another of his friends houses who could see all the blue lights through the trees. His friend grabbed him from outside and drug him into the house because by that time Trey was frozen and then got him some dry clothes. I could just picture the whole scene in my mind and knew that 5 minute ride to the police station with my mom had to be the longest in that young mans life, that next day, but he pulled it off and that is what was so surprising about the whole thing. Trey had brought me down there to meet that friend and later I would give him a big hug and a thank you for looking out for Trey. To this day the kindness that people have shown him mean the most to me and I'll always be grateful.
For those of you that are horrified that I let or knew about some of the things that went on and think I should have done more to stop it... maybe you are right. But I understood phases and knew this was one of many he had over the years and with enough time he'd move on from this one, like he had so many times before. I also knew from experience that the more you deny something like that the more it makes them want to do it. It was better in my mind to get it over and done with so that he could grow up when the time came. I knew that in raising a boy to be a man we had to allow for the natural progression and I was not trying to stunt that growth... even when I really, really wanted to at times. Watching your child go through anything painful is the hardest thing a parent can do next to losing them completely. What he wanted to do for a living still changed with every week at that time too and the last talk we had about it, he stated he wanted to go to Johnson and Whales to be a chef. I was wondering where the $40k a year would be coming from but he had quickly moved on to other interest so that didn't look like it was going to happen. I thought he had his whole life ahead of him and then there would be plenty of time to pursue anything and everything he wanted... within reason of course.
If I hadn't told you these things then I wouldn't of had very much to talk about during his life because most of it is way beyond the norm. But what's the point of telling the story if I am not going to tell you the whole story. I am ashamed of only a few things Trey did but I know where they came from so I can't deny them nor do I want to because it was a part of him. There are a few things I have done that I am ashamed of too. Every step I took was a learning process and he was on his own journey... the one big thing different was he was more content with his life than I ever was at that age... so he had little drive. I think if he knew just how difficult it would have been living at my house after he graduated then he probably would have changed his mind because it wasn't going to be party city in my house. I really wanted him to enjoy as much of his childhood through teen years as possible but there is a time to grow up and start looking towards the future and that time was near for him or so I thought. Now I have a better understanding about just how insane our system and work ethics has become, just to make the few a little more richer and most of the kids today simply want no part of shoveling so much shit for so little reward... even with college educations. At this point I can't say I blame them one bit. There was a few good things about his laziness and one was I didn't really have to worry about him coming home with some wigged out hair styles, multiple piercings or tattoos. And he really wasn't too into having a girlfriend because it would cut into his smoking time. I could've lived with that... for a while.
Idyllically it would have been best if we had all worked together to really help Trey through out life but that was just not the case. Each and every one of us had a idea of what was right but more often convenient and each one of us failed miserably. While I told Trey the truth about many things it was not enough, I should have showed him the truth by doing several key things differently. Whether it would have saved his life, we'll never know but I live with my decisions every day. To the question of what I would have done differently... When I left Trey's dad I would have moved back in with Sherri, if she would have had me and Trey and that one small decision would have put me into a very different reality from the beginning instead of returning to one I knew didn't work. The next opportunity for change would have been to leave Marvelous alone period and that could have saved a wealth of heartache all the way around. The third chance for change would have been working as a PI for so long and spending to much time working on my house. Forth would be when he asked to move in and I told him to wait until after graduation and finally the last thing I would have changed... I would have spent more time with him. Period. So very simple in retrospect but at the time so very hard to see the forest for the trees.
We also live with Trey's decision to skip school that day and get into the car that would claim his life. I don't know how that decision came about but I do know that he didn't skip a lot of school and this was out of the norm for him. The most surprising thing to learn was that Trey was the one trying to keep the other kids from doing something terribly stupid and getting caught too. He had learned not to take things to school that would get him into serious trouble and made a point of checking to make sure he was clean before leaving for school. Just knowing that made my heart swell again but I wonder where that insightfulness went to, on that day in March. Maybe some, if not many of you think I or even Trey succumbed to peer pressure but that was not always the case. Socioeconomics played a large factor in all of our lives and the line that was drawn in the sand was definite from the very beginning. I have stated I felt like I was in the middle some times but it was only a glimpse into what Trey must have felt like through out his life. He was the center of a group of damaged people and I felt helpless to stop the tug of war with him. He just wanted everybody to get along and I knew that just wasn't possible... but I tried. I had missed so much with him and it is my own fault for pursuing things and people that just didn't matter in the end. When I got tired of fighting with all the different people I then decided that patience would pay off in the long run and again I was so horribly wrong. Sometimes when the opportunity is gone, it is just gone... just like I was trying to teach him. If any of you think that your kid isn't like Trey or you are not like me and would never allow such things to happen in your kids life then I got some news for you.
Based on my observations of all the kids, that were his friends and their locations, 8 out 10 kids party and out of that, at least 2 out of the 8 party harder than I have ever seen, and it's safe to say I have seen some of the best partiers around in my life. Trey's friends were very polite and a little uptight in the beginning but when they found out through the grapevine that I too smoked they really felt comfortable letting a lot hang out after that. Hell when we were kids and I was hanging out with my ex husband and his friends, I spent a lot of time talking to one of their mothers who also knew exactly what was going on. She was the voice of reason within the crowd and I was trying to be that for Trey's friends even though I was in over my head. I learned that some of the kids home lives were terribly broken and then other kids home life appeared solid. Lying, cheating and stealing were still being employed sometimes with abandon, so some things never really change. At the very least the girls in that circle of friends didn't become pregnant before graduation and I commend them for being responsible... no matter their reasons. It was the toughest learning experience with the kids right after because we were all raw with emotions but after the dust settled I could tell that out of 7 friends he had 5 truly great ones and only 2 that were just pretenders. At the end of the day that is still a pretty good average and I really got to hear about how much of a rascal Trey was because he let it all hang out with his friends too. But they loved him because he was a good listener and would try to help them resolve conflicts. When I heard that my heart swelled with pride and love. Most of the parents that would meet Trey over the years would tell us, he was such a good boy and always minded his manners when at their house... and in our head we would say... if you only knew. :)
29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal >>>>>
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this?, 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
He resembles this so much!
When Trey started middle school at the same one I went to, the changes were starting to come more frequently. If you have followed from the beginning then you know I am not one to claim being perfect and I sure know that Trey wasn't either. But he really was a sweet, sensitive kid underneath the big mouth in the little body growing up. He was a handful at times and as he got older it got harder to take him out because of it. But he and my mom spent many an afternoon at the movies whenever possible and they went down to my grandmothers on some weekends too. While somethings may change others would remain the same it seems. July the 4th we all would head uptown to watch the fireworks which he absolutely loved. For his birthday's I would ask him what he wanted to do and we would do it for the most part, whether it be a small party and sleep over or taking a gang of kids out to eat. It was great to see him being able to talk to someone other than me or mom and especially kids his own age. And yes kids can still be brutal with the zings to each other but it was fun to watch and Trey held his own... most of the time.
In fact I spent a lot of time asking him what he wanted to do over the years and one reason was I wanted him to have some sense of control over his life and with me. Someone on the outside looking in may think I was trying to be his friend but I never felt I had very much control over my life when I was younger and wanted to give him as much as possible... within reason. There were times in his life when he pushed, he found the line and I didn't hesitate to put the fear of God in to him. His dad, my dad and mom dealt with it different ways and I dealt with it in another way again different from the rest. By this time mom was slowing down and getting older. She just wasn't able to do all the things she used to do and the generation gap was starting to show between the two. Dad still pretty much was doing his thing but would spring for a pizza every now and then. Trey would talk to me about how it was with my mom and I would tell him he was lucky because he was experiencing the kinder gentler version 2.0 and I would tell him how it was with the original version with her. As far as I was concerned she had mellowed a great deal and I told him he should really be thankful for that but I don't think he could see the humor in it at that age. When he would ask questions about personal stuff I would tell him the truth to the best of my knowledge at any given time because the truth is hard to determine when others are involved and the things I've done are out there so I wanted him to hear it from me. I felt if he was old enough to ask then he was old enough to understand.
The conversation that really let me know he was paying attention to the world a bit more closely came about when he was 11 and when his father had popped in his life for a while. After a weekend over there he came to my house later and asked me something about his dad. I don't remember what or my response because I always kept them light when talking about his dad. I didn't want to be the one talking a lot of crap about the other one and hoped that taking the high road would pay off in the long run. But he told me that day he felt like his dad only paid him any attention when he was trying to impress a girl. WOW! Out of the mouths of babes! When I agreed that it did indeed look like that, he asked why. I told him he would have to ask his dad that because I sure didn't know the answer. Because Marvelous was now back in the picture it seems that my exes feathers were once again ruffled and he started to tell Trey some very untrue things about the way things happened back then. As a rule I wouldn't ask too many questions about my ex, his situation, partners or such because I really didn't want to know. My only concern was that he and any partner he chose had to treat Trey right. In others words do not jerk my kid around and do not hurt him in any way, shape or form and we are good. Seems simple right? Not a chance. I sat down with Trey and had another longer talk with him about the events of our break up and told him pretty much everything that was done. Including if not specifically my actions and have always tried to used them as a lesson on what not to do.
I'll never forget the first Christmas Trey got to spend over at Marvelous's parents house with all the kids present which was roughly about 10 to 15. In all his short years he had experienced a sort of orderly opening of gifts with my family and usually he was the most excited one there. But that year was especially festive for many different reasons and when it came time for the kids to open their gifts all you could see was wrapping paper flying in every direction with shouts and hollers coming furiously in between about 12 cameras going all at once. When it was over he just looked stunned! (No photos of that time unfortunately and somehow an album of pictures went missing after he died so who knows?... and yes I was mad as hell about it too!) And when we got home he went to sleep almost immediately after sitting down on the couch. :) That was one tired little pup there. I can tell you he never had a shortage of kids his age to play with aside from the trailer park. He had been hanging out with the kids of my friends from Spunky at the bar who had a son Trey's age to all the kids at the farm and then Bonnie's son who was a few years older to the Marvelous family clan. It was around this time we tried to get him to go to a haunted house and as we were sitting in the parking lot, he kept saying... nope I am not going in... y'all go ahead, I'll be right here when you're done. So we all left and skipped it for plain old trick or treating... again. Later we took him to Carowinds and curiously he didn't want to ride too many of the roller coasters and that to me was the whole point of going there. He was more interested in the water gun ride than anything else and after a while I talked him onto one, I think, they call the Drop Zone where you slowly ride up and then they let you fall real fast. He was not amused and told me that he wasn't going to be riding any more rides with me. But he did go back there with his Aunt D over the years and probably had a better time because there were kids to play with.
Marvelous had been wanting to go to the drive in movie theater in the next county but I had already been living in my car for work and really didn't want to spend my free time in it as well. But we took Trey out there to watch Ice Age and something else and had a blast that night. I believe Marvelous took him fishing one time and after those first early times, things slowed down considerably with him because Marvelous had other things to do. After the middle break up, Trey saw how miserable I was with the whole mess and for Valentines Day he drew mom, dad and me a heart on a large cardboard piece but with mine he wrote a little letter telling me even though my heart was broken it would get better with time and signed it... your ever loving goof ball. It was a big piece that I've since had framed because the message was not lost. It was in this, that I saw the ultimate reason for Marvelous and I believe it was so Trey could write me that message to have for later on. And Trey could draw even better than I could so I could see that he had a lot of creative talent and he really had a very big heart underneath the bravado. During one evening I think he had missed his shower the day before and I was telling him to get in there and get clean and of course his selective hearing was on full blast that day so I got the can of Lysol and started spraying his feet and jeans, then he grabbed one of his awful smelling shoes and was trying to stick it under my nose until we both collapsed from laughing.
Trey's friend Brian had died around the time he was 14 and it was the first time Trey had experienced a loss like that and it affected him deeply for a long time after. I think he was more affected by it than he knew because he got to be a little more angrier about life and started to act out more often because of it. I don't really know who offered him his first joint but when he smoked it he became a much more laid back kid and the hyperactivity became a thing of the past. As most of you can guess mom was not pleased by this and decided that it was time to do something different but she had no clue what to do and any suggestions I had were pretty much ignored because that wasn't her way of doing things. Even though they loved each other they still argued with each other just based on general principles and the struggle for control was again the center of the story. Meanwhile he was over at my house shopping for dinner in my cabinets and raiding my CD collection because he found many he liked and never thought I would too. Mom was jamming on Sitting on the Dock of the Bay and I was enjoying the light classical sounds of Metallica and Nirvana along with many others more current to the generation. Once in my car the song Alive came on and because he had been talking about this or that movie non stop the whole ride, I cranked up the volume and started singing the lyrics at the top of my lungs. When it was over he asked me how I could remember the words to the song and I told him the first important step was he had to be quiet to LISTEN to the words before he could learn them. Again he was not amused :)
Before Trey went to live with his dad and wife #3, as I have said before I tried to talk him out of it originally because I knew it was a bad idea and the reasons behind it. At this time I had not refinanced my house and had a few more options at the time and again we sat down and I explained the situations pro or cons. I told him that if he wanted to move in with me that he would have to do so at that time because after the refinance it would be harder because money would be tighter and there would be no more putting anything on the credit card at that point. But that pitiful offer could not compete with the lure of a drivers license and a car, which is what his dad had promised. I had heard his dad even had the car in his possession but because of experience I knew that not much would come out of it because it still needed a lot of work. On the other hand here was a chance for him to really get to know his dad up close and personal because it was through this method that he could make up his own mind about him without input from others. Most of that ordeal has been explained in other chapters but this one detail would make my heart swell with pride although I'm not sure that you may think it is appropriate. Toward the end of his stay with his dad he was feeling rather mad and wanted to know the truth about his dad and his new step mother... so he took one of the baby monitors and placed it under their bed so he could hear anything that was said. No matter how horrifying to think about what he may have heard, it was his enginuity that allowed him to hear the words... the only reason he is living with us is to save the child support money... out of the horses mouth or the wife's rather.
Now think for just a moment about what I did for a living at the time and you will see why I was so proud of him. He was searching for the truth using any means necessary and I could relate to that. One last sad but true fact... I spoke with my ex husband by phone just before the new school year was about to start and he asked me for some money to buy Trey some clothes. I told him I would take Trey shopping for the clothes myself so that I could make sure he actually got the clothes and he was not very happy about that decision. My ex had also already started to pursue his own child support case against me because I got the notice at work but it wasn't until later I found out just how slick he thought he was. But at the end of Trey's stay with his dad when he asked if he could move in with me and in trying to teach him some responsibility, I said no not until after graduation. That idea was also found to be no good when mom said that Trey could come back and live there. Before he left from his dad's though I told him that he needed to be honest with his dad about how he felt and tell him he was leaving, but have his stuff packed first, if that's what he wanted to do. Of course that is not how things played out and Trey decided to rush through it instead by blurting out what was wrong and then bailing out the window when the time came.
It was only afterward that I understood why Trey felt that way was his only option to get out and I hate I missed some of the signs. My ex had decided that Trey could quit school and just work full time and then he would still keep all the money Trey made to boot... combine that with the regular denial of food for a growing teenage boy and the physical confrontations, the likes of which I can only imagine and you have a very volatile situation indeed. These were other pieces of handy information that wasn't available until it was too late. I did the math too and here is what I got. The ex was saving the $400 a month child support payment and probably was going to ask for at least that much in return. Add the $800 Trey earned during the summer and that puts about $1600 a month into his and his wife's pockets. I hate to sum it up that way, but it looks like Trey's life was only worth money to his dad and all the mounting evidence is there for all to see. Even if my mom wasn't a pack rat all of this is on file at the clerks office, child support office, my exes - mine - moms old bank statements and the 4 different attorney's offices that have been used over the years. It was just more conflicting messages in Trey's mind and I at first thought he had learned how to manipulate the situation until I found out the whole story... to the best of my knowledge, that is. The one question that occurs to me now is did all his father see when Trey died was dollar signs? And the answer is most definitely yes! Later when my dad called and asked him to share his portion which was fair all my ex said was he has paid child support for 17 years and didn't own him a thing. We all know that is another bold faced lie and I hope that one day Marshall Freeman Hinson (Jr.) and Tina Fox Hinson remember all this when karma comes a knocking. I still don't understand how that attitude is possible because I would have given everything I had just to see him one more time...
Anyway I knew that something really bad had happened at his dads because you could see the changes in Trey like night and day but I wasn't getting the whole story either and it was highly frustrating at the time. Mom still wasn't going to allow him to smoke and he certainly hadn't earned the right to do it because I felt you have to be responsible for it and everything else you do and Trey was far from responsible at that point in time. He eventually got a job at the local pizza place and kept it for 3 weeks before quitting and I still knew he had a long way to go before he grew up. But I was proud when he had mom take him to the store before dropping him off at one of the football games. After he got out, mom looked at the receipt that he left and it was for a pack of gum and some condoms. At least he was using the old noggin and I couldn't complain. Trey was like so many young boys in the regard that when he found his johnson, he seemed like he never got tired of playing with it. I even had to ask him could he please not relieve himself on my new furniture? I told him that's what they make showers and soap for and he just looked at me in the strangest manner. I wrote about the last few times we were together in One Last Time if you are just joining me here.
One night he went to stay with his friends at their house and the two of them met up with several others where they had a grand ole time. Roughly at 3am, mom got a knock at the door from the police department looking for Trey who had got away from them last night and mom told him they had the wrong boy because he was over at a friends house that night. The officer left a card with instructions to come into the station in the a.m. so they could have a little talk. Well Trey came home, heard the news and they went to see the officer, but when they got there the officer was out and not expected to be in for a while, so they left. Mom calls me and tells me the story and I listen to it telling her yes they probably just had the wrong kid, but I knew in my heart he was probably as guilty of as a fox in a hen house. I even asked him about it later and he told me oh nothing happened mom and changed the subject. Now you had to know him to really understand but I had a long talk with him when he and some friends of his were doing things they shouldn't be doing. I told him I loved him dearly but he sucked as a criminal because he always left bread loaves on the way to the scene of the crime and maybe he needed to rethink his future at the time because that one wasn't looking too bright. It wasn't until after he died that we got the rest of the story as Paul Harvey would have said it.
The kids had left and been picked up by the only girl that had a car and were pulling out of the neighborhood where they picked the last one up from. As soon as they did they saw the blue lights and were pulled over. All were asked to get out of the car and Trey complied. But when it was his turn to answer questions and the first one being what was his name... he looked at he cop and told him his real name while pivoting in his untied shoes... and proceeded to run out of his shoes toward the woods. Bread loaves I'm telling ya! That of course caused the cop to get mad and start a search in the cold evening air through the woods. Somehow, someway Trey made it through the woods without getting caught after a few hours and got to another of his friends houses who could see all the blue lights through the trees. His friend grabbed him from outside and drug him into the house because by that time Trey was frozen and then got him some dry clothes. I could just picture the whole scene in my mind and knew that 5 minute ride to the police station with my mom had to be the longest in that young mans life, that next day, but he pulled it off and that is what was so surprising about the whole thing. Trey had brought me down there to meet that friend and later I would give him a big hug and a thank you for looking out for Trey. To this day the kindness that people have shown him mean the most to me and I'll always be grateful.
For those of you that are horrified that I let or knew about some of the things that went on and think I should have done more to stop it... maybe you are right. But I understood phases and knew this was one of many he had over the years and with enough time he'd move on from this one, like he had so many times before. I also knew from experience that the more you deny something like that the more it makes them want to do it. It was better in my mind to get it over and done with so that he could grow up when the time came. I knew that in raising a boy to be a man we had to allow for the natural progression and I was not trying to stunt that growth... even when I really, really wanted to at times. Watching your child go through anything painful is the hardest thing a parent can do next to losing them completely. What he wanted to do for a living still changed with every week at that time too and the last talk we had about it, he stated he wanted to go to Johnson and Whales to be a chef. I was wondering where the $40k a year would be coming from but he had quickly moved on to other interest so that didn't look like it was going to happen. I thought he had his whole life ahead of him and then there would be plenty of time to pursue anything and everything he wanted... within reason of course.
If I hadn't told you these things then I wouldn't of had very much to talk about during his life because most of it is way beyond the norm. But what's the point of telling the story if I am not going to tell you the whole story. I am ashamed of only a few things Trey did but I know where they came from so I can't deny them nor do I want to because it was a part of him. There are a few things I have done that I am ashamed of too. Every step I took was a learning process and he was on his own journey... the one big thing different was he was more content with his life than I ever was at that age... so he had little drive. I think if he knew just how difficult it would have been living at my house after he graduated then he probably would have changed his mind because it wasn't going to be party city in my house. I really wanted him to enjoy as much of his childhood through teen years as possible but there is a time to grow up and start looking towards the future and that time was near for him or so I thought. Now I have a better understanding about just how insane our system and work ethics has become, just to make the few a little more richer and most of the kids today simply want no part of shoveling so much shit for so little reward... even with college educations. At this point I can't say I blame them one bit. There was a few good things about his laziness and one was I didn't really have to worry about him coming home with some wigged out hair styles, multiple piercings or tattoos. And he really wasn't too into having a girlfriend because it would cut into his smoking time. I could've lived with that... for a while.
Idyllically it would have been best if we had all worked together to really help Trey through out life but that was just not the case. Each and every one of us had a idea of what was right but more often convenient and each one of us failed miserably. While I told Trey the truth about many things it was not enough, I should have showed him the truth by doing several key things differently. Whether it would have saved his life, we'll never know but I live with my decisions every day. To the question of what I would have done differently... When I left Trey's dad I would have moved back in with Sherri, if she would have had me and Trey and that one small decision would have put me into a very different reality from the beginning instead of returning to one I knew didn't work. The next opportunity for change would have been to leave Marvelous alone period and that could have saved a wealth of heartache all the way around. The third chance for change would have been working as a PI for so long and spending to much time working on my house. Forth would be when he asked to move in and I told him to wait until after graduation and finally the last thing I would have changed... I would have spent more time with him. Period. So very simple in retrospect but at the time so very hard to see the forest for the trees.
We also live with Trey's decision to skip school that day and get into the car that would claim his life. I don't know how that decision came about but I do know that he didn't skip a lot of school and this was out of the norm for him. The most surprising thing to learn was that Trey was the one trying to keep the other kids from doing something terribly stupid and getting caught too. He had learned not to take things to school that would get him into serious trouble and made a point of checking to make sure he was clean before leaving for school. Just knowing that made my heart swell again but I wonder where that insightfulness went to, on that day in March. Maybe some, if not many of you think I or even Trey succumbed to peer pressure but that was not always the case. Socioeconomics played a large factor in all of our lives and the line that was drawn in the sand was definite from the very beginning. I have stated I felt like I was in the middle some times but it was only a glimpse into what Trey must have felt like through out his life. He was the center of a group of damaged people and I felt helpless to stop the tug of war with him. He just wanted everybody to get along and I knew that just wasn't possible... but I tried. I had missed so much with him and it is my own fault for pursuing things and people that just didn't matter in the end. When I got tired of fighting with all the different people I then decided that patience would pay off in the long run and again I was so horribly wrong. Sometimes when the opportunity is gone, it is just gone... just like I was trying to teach him. If any of you think that your kid isn't like Trey or you are not like me and would never allow such things to happen in your kids life then I got some news for you.
Based on my observations of all the kids, that were his friends and their locations, 8 out 10 kids party and out of that, at least 2 out of the 8 party harder than I have ever seen, and it's safe to say I have seen some of the best partiers around in my life. Trey's friends were very polite and a little uptight in the beginning but when they found out through the grapevine that I too smoked they really felt comfortable letting a lot hang out after that. Hell when we were kids and I was hanging out with my ex husband and his friends, I spent a lot of time talking to one of their mothers who also knew exactly what was going on. She was the voice of reason within the crowd and I was trying to be that for Trey's friends even though I was in over my head. I learned that some of the kids home lives were terribly broken and then other kids home life appeared solid. Lying, cheating and stealing were still being employed sometimes with abandon, so some things never really change. At the very least the girls in that circle of friends didn't become pregnant before graduation and I commend them for being responsible... no matter their reasons. It was the toughest learning experience with the kids right after because we were all raw with emotions but after the dust settled I could tell that out of 7 friends he had 5 truly great ones and only 2 that were just pretenders. At the end of the day that is still a pretty good average and I really got to hear about how much of a rascal Trey was because he let it all hang out with his friends too. But they loved him because he was a good listener and would try to help them resolve conflicts. When I heard that my heart swelled with pride and love. Most of the parents that would meet Trey over the years would tell us, he was such a good boy and always minded his manners when at their house... and in our head we would say... if you only knew. :)
29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal >>>>>
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