1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
Given the things I have experienced and lived through often makes me wonder why I am still here but Trey isn't. By all intensive purposes I should not be here but have escaped death several times. Trey was looking for some freedom that day and it is something I can whole heartedly relate to. I do understand it was his time and that is just the way it is, but what I don't know is what is my purpose...now that he is gone? What am I supposed to do with what is left of my life? I probably saw more between the ages of 16 and 19 about the differences in life than most of the kids I grew up with but I also saw how Trey and his friends were doing things and they were no stranger to the wild side. Some of them partied even harder than we did at that age and taking chances was like a second nature to them. I was sometimes horrified but I did understand that I survived and hoped I could help him avoid the major pitfalls and looks like I failed miserably.
I'll never forget my child hood best friend Trixie teaching me to ride a bike and later how to drive her stick shift Toyota, well before I had a license. And the love/hate relationship I have with driving started there. Although I do write a lot about the cars I drive, it is not because I overly valued the vehicles themselves but this is the easiest way my brain has for marking time. My friends sister gave me my first cigarette and taught us how to smoke it. Their mom made the best homemade biscuits I have ever tasted in my life and their dad always chewed tobacco which came in handy for bee stings. Sometimes I could ride with my friend to school and sometimes she even let me move her car when we were at school. One evening my partner in crime and I decided to go somewhere and neither of us told our parents about it. We started our ride out fine and later she let me drive again but this time we were going on the big freeway toward downtown. Well I striped her transmission and soon we were stuck in the Friday 5 pm traffic even though it wasn't as bad as the opposite direction. We argued over who's parents to call and I was adamant it wasn't going to be mine! We both still were in heaps of trouble but I learned that driving means freedom and freedom means everything.
I skipped a lot of school in the 9th grade and it boiled down to me wanting freedom to do something... anything fun. I pushed and pulled and drove my mom nuts and that's how I ended up in the group home. Once she came to pick me up at the vocational school where I went for afternoon art class and it was clear across town from the high school. That day I drove Trixie's car still with no license so when mom showed up... I couldn't leave and had to pretend like I was skipping again. It's safe to say I know a thing or two about stupid. It was way before the internet or I would have been dangerous. We drove fast on the country roads but back then there was a lot less traffic because this was way before living in the country was cool. I didn't see Trixie much after I left home because life goes on. She stayed there in the neighborhood and later had two kids, both with different degrees of autism. I felt bad that she didn't get out but when I left home I knew two things: life was going to be hard and I was okay with that as long as it was possible. I met my ex husband soon after that and he had my first car tore up pretty quickly. Later we got a house, married and Trey came along but only had one car between us. Even though we both worked 2nd shift I could get a lift to work but on the way home was always depending on if he had any over time, when he had a decent job at Coke or whether he cared to be bothered at all.
I walked home from work through downtown towards the south side between 2 and 4 am, 5 days a week sometimes when I had a job at the bank mail room... usually with a letter opener or scissors up my jacket sleeve. Once I was walking on a night off (thus unarmed) toward where I thought my ex was so I could get my car back (the car he eventually tore up). On the way there I had a guy mumble something as he was walking in the opposite direction and then turned as he got close to stick a knife in my side. He walked me about 20 feet and stopped between two large trucks parked in a front of a business. My heart was pounding but I remained calm and was looking for a way to safely get away. I had no money so I knew this would turn bad fast. For some reason he had electrical tape with him and cut a piece off and told me to put my hands through the side mirror bars on the truck. He put the tape over my eyes but I could still see down and then he squatted... for some reason. Then I kicked him in the balls as hard as I could and ran as fast as I could. I got away and he disappeared. It was only afterward that I realized the implications and shook from fear. But I was alive and that was important!
Shortly after my ex and I separated, I got another car and was happy to have more freedom again but got careless one day when I saw the seat belt hanging out the passenger door. I opened the door and pulled the seat belt back into the car and shut the door forgetting to hold the handle up to lock the door. I then went on to work and got off that night about 2 am. I had just pulled out of the parking lot and turned on the street which has a stop light immediately after. There was a guy walking in my lane straight toward my car. As he passed he jumped into the passenger side with me and had a knife. It seems like I have a gift for attracting the deranged. He told me to drive a few blocks from the uptown area and into one of the projects. We drove down a road and took a left passing about 20 others in sunglasses while it is completely dark save for a few street lights. He told me to take a last left into a parking lot and as soon as I stopped, he jumped out with my keys. I knew if I let him go I would be in serious trouble because I knew where he was going... to where all the others were hanging out. So I got out too and went to his side to distract him and after a bit I saw my chance to grab the keys. When I did he grabbed for my throat but only got my necklace, I pushed him into the side of the car and got my keys. I literally flew to the drivers side and got in. He started running toward the others and I seriously considered running him over in my car... but I didn't. I just left and went home. Shaking the whole way.
In both incidences I shut down so to speak and went into survivor mode. It was almost beyond my control...this response to immediate danger. I had been in confrontations before but nothing of this caliber and looking back I know I was lucky but there was something else. I guess the will to survive is strong enough to over come many obstacles. Not all though. Trey wasn't driving the car but he did make the decision to get in that car at that moment. One split second decision can cost you your life just as easily as it can save it. I know after Trey died I couldn't care less if I survived and each day was a struggle. Still I often think what was going through his mind in those last few minutes and if he suffered any. Any parent who has lived through this has the same thoughts and even in the best of times are reminded just how fragile life is. With all of this I know I am still lucky because I don't live in a war torn area or other regions where people are starving and being used for cheap labor by big corporations that care little for humanity. Now more than ever I wonder what my job here on earth is other than learning.
Life is hard. That was the first line in the book The Road Less Traveled. The last part of the equation I learned... driving means freedom and freedom means everything BUT freedom without knowledge means little or even DEATH. We live and die and the cycle will go on and on. That's nature and to understand that means you have to accept certain things as is and don't think for a minute that I don't know how hard that is. Some people are looking for easy answers or the easy way and I have learned that it is rarely the right way. In the end the easy way is often more costly and less satisfying. I want to do what is right although I am not sure what is right until well after the fact no matter how much research I do. The world changes fast and sometimes you only have a split second to decide.
7. Marvelous Mistakes >>>>>
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
Given the things I have experienced and lived through often makes me wonder why I am still here but Trey isn't. By all intensive purposes I should not be here but have escaped death several times. Trey was looking for some freedom that day and it is something I can whole heartedly relate to. I do understand it was his time and that is just the way it is, but what I don't know is what is my purpose...now that he is gone? What am I supposed to do with what is left of my life? I probably saw more between the ages of 16 and 19 about the differences in life than most of the kids I grew up with but I also saw how Trey and his friends were doing things and they were no stranger to the wild side. Some of them partied even harder than we did at that age and taking chances was like a second nature to them. I was sometimes horrified but I did understand that I survived and hoped I could help him avoid the major pitfalls and looks like I failed miserably.
I'll never forget my child hood best friend Trixie teaching me to ride a bike and later how to drive her stick shift Toyota, well before I had a license. And the love/hate relationship I have with driving started there. Although I do write a lot about the cars I drive, it is not because I overly valued the vehicles themselves but this is the easiest way my brain has for marking time. My friends sister gave me my first cigarette and taught us how to smoke it. Their mom made the best homemade biscuits I have ever tasted in my life and their dad always chewed tobacco which came in handy for bee stings. Sometimes I could ride with my friend to school and sometimes she even let me move her car when we were at school. One evening my partner in crime and I decided to go somewhere and neither of us told our parents about it. We started our ride out fine and later she let me drive again but this time we were going on the big freeway toward downtown. Well I striped her transmission and soon we were stuck in the Friday 5 pm traffic even though it wasn't as bad as the opposite direction. We argued over who's parents to call and I was adamant it wasn't going to be mine! We both still were in heaps of trouble but I learned that driving means freedom and freedom means everything.
I skipped a lot of school in the 9th grade and it boiled down to me wanting freedom to do something... anything fun. I pushed and pulled and drove my mom nuts and that's how I ended up in the group home. Once she came to pick me up at the vocational school where I went for afternoon art class and it was clear across town from the high school. That day I drove Trixie's car still with no license so when mom showed up... I couldn't leave and had to pretend like I was skipping again. It's safe to say I know a thing or two about stupid. It was way before the internet or I would have been dangerous. We drove fast on the country roads but back then there was a lot less traffic because this was way before living in the country was cool. I didn't see Trixie much after I left home because life goes on. She stayed there in the neighborhood and later had two kids, both with different degrees of autism. I felt bad that she didn't get out but when I left home I knew two things: life was going to be hard and I was okay with that as long as it was possible. I met my ex husband soon after that and he had my first car tore up pretty quickly. Later we got a house, married and Trey came along but only had one car between us. Even though we both worked 2nd shift I could get a lift to work but on the way home was always depending on if he had any over time, when he had a decent job at Coke or whether he cared to be bothered at all.
I walked home from work through downtown towards the south side between 2 and 4 am, 5 days a week sometimes when I had a job at the bank mail room... usually with a letter opener or scissors up my jacket sleeve. Once I was walking on a night off (thus unarmed) toward where I thought my ex was so I could get my car back (the car he eventually tore up). On the way there I had a guy mumble something as he was walking in the opposite direction and then turned as he got close to stick a knife in my side. He walked me about 20 feet and stopped between two large trucks parked in a front of a business. My heart was pounding but I remained calm and was looking for a way to safely get away. I had no money so I knew this would turn bad fast. For some reason he had electrical tape with him and cut a piece off and told me to put my hands through the side mirror bars on the truck. He put the tape over my eyes but I could still see down and then he squatted... for some reason. Then I kicked him in the balls as hard as I could and ran as fast as I could. I got away and he disappeared. It was only afterward that I realized the implications and shook from fear. But I was alive and that was important!
Shortly after my ex and I separated, I got another car and was happy to have more freedom again but got careless one day when I saw the seat belt hanging out the passenger door. I opened the door and pulled the seat belt back into the car and shut the door forgetting to hold the handle up to lock the door. I then went on to work and got off that night about 2 am. I had just pulled out of the parking lot and turned on the street which has a stop light immediately after. There was a guy walking in my lane straight toward my car. As he passed he jumped into the passenger side with me and had a knife. It seems like I have a gift for attracting the deranged. He told me to drive a few blocks from the uptown area and into one of the projects. We drove down a road and took a left passing about 20 others in sunglasses while it is completely dark save for a few street lights. He told me to take a last left into a parking lot and as soon as I stopped, he jumped out with my keys. I knew if I let him go I would be in serious trouble because I knew where he was going... to where all the others were hanging out. So I got out too and went to his side to distract him and after a bit I saw my chance to grab the keys. When I did he grabbed for my throat but only got my necklace, I pushed him into the side of the car and got my keys. I literally flew to the drivers side and got in. He started running toward the others and I seriously considered running him over in my car... but I didn't. I just left and went home. Shaking the whole way.
In both incidences I shut down so to speak and went into survivor mode. It was almost beyond my control...this response to immediate danger. I had been in confrontations before but nothing of this caliber and looking back I know I was lucky but there was something else. I guess the will to survive is strong enough to over come many obstacles. Not all though. Trey wasn't driving the car but he did make the decision to get in that car at that moment. One split second decision can cost you your life just as easily as it can save it. I know after Trey died I couldn't care less if I survived and each day was a struggle. Still I often think what was going through his mind in those last few minutes and if he suffered any. Any parent who has lived through this has the same thoughts and even in the best of times are reminded just how fragile life is. With all of this I know I am still lucky because I don't live in a war torn area or other regions where people are starving and being used for cheap labor by big corporations that care little for humanity. Now more than ever I wonder what my job here on earth is other than learning.
Life is hard. That was the first line in the book The Road Less Traveled. The last part of the equation I learned... driving means freedom and freedom means everything BUT freedom without knowledge means little or even DEATH. We live and die and the cycle will go on and on. That's nature and to understand that means you have to accept certain things as is and don't think for a minute that I don't know how hard that is. Some people are looking for easy answers or the easy way and I have learned that it is rarely the right way. In the end the easy way is often more costly and less satisfying. I want to do what is right although I am not sure what is right until well after the fact no matter how much research I do. The world changes fast and sometimes you only have a split second to decide.
7. Marvelous Mistakes >>>>>
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