1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
These next three days and posts are the darkest period in my life and will include the thoughts I had running through my head if possible to the events as I can recall. Time was speeding up and slowing down all at the same time. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together have been very hard and even as I write this I still have tears in my eyes. It may seem like I repeat myself some but I want to make each piece as easy to understand as possible and each piece that came before all leads up to this time. The following link was obtained well after and so contains a bit more info than I got at the time.
On that Thursday morning when I woke up the house was thankfully quiet and I had a moment to wake up in peace, get my coffee and turn on the TV. As soon as I flicked it on the local 24 hour news channel had announced a bad car wreck near Trey's school but took a while to actually get to the point... as usual. When the story finally came on I got up and looked at the screen hard trying to determine if I knew either of the cars in the crash. One was a small white Toyota I think and the other looked like an old Mercedes and I was scanning my brain trying to think if any of Trey's friends had those cars and none did... to my knowledge. No names were released at that point. The news story went off but I couldn't stop thinking about that wreck...
Until my dad called about and hour or so later and told me to get home... he had been trying to reach mom but couldn't. That was all he said and hung up. At that point I got so mad at nothing and everything but I just couldn't understand why. Normally I don't indulge denial but that day it came over me with swiftly and completely for about 3 hours and then it was over.
Rosco came back to the house about that time and so we rode out to my parents house. I didn't even think to stop and put my teeth in! I was still mad the whole way there and unloaded on the poor guy without a thought. When I got to mom and dads there was no one at home so we sat out on the front porch... waiting.
A large box truck pulled up with three guys inside, one of which was dad and as I got up to meet him at the truck before he could even got out fully he said... "Trey's dead." I said "What? You mean mom?" She wasn't home yet and thought he must have made a mistake and was talking about her. He said "No... Trey" and then he broke down like I have never seen in my life. I said " No! It can't be... it just can't be right!" I broke down right there and knew his life was over and mine too for that matter.
Mom came home a little later surprised to see us all there in the front yard and dad told her before she could get out of the car. She looked over at me and saw the expression on my face along with the fact I had no teeth in and knew it was true. And then she broke down too.
At some point I called my friends Ariel and Scott, then my grandmother, then my ex and his sister. That was all I could do at that moment and I can't remember what was said... I was sobbing, just felt lost and alone even though I was surrounded by people.
The car ride to the hospital was long and it was short. I don't know if anyone said anything at all. I just remember thinking with the smallest flames of eternal hope that this just couldn't be happening. But my experience told me that the sheriff's department rarely makes mistakes when they have to identify a person and then contact their family.
At the hospital we were greeted with the principle of the school a very hard looking women who looked like she rather be any where in the world right now than here. I can't say I blamed her because neither did I. I remember meeting my friends and my exes sister in the waiting room. We were both crying and hugging each other for dear life.
The hospital advised us that we didn't want to see him at that point... but there was nothing on this earth that would have stopped me that day. So they took us back to the morgue and then pulled a lower drawer out.
I saw the red hoodie first and the tears came again with another flood of confusion and pain. I kneeled down and saw only the right side of his face. His left side was damaged from the wreck and was against the table. I touched his cheek and it was oh so cold... I knew then without a doubt my baby was gone.
We were surrounded by my friends and family and I could barely feel them there at that point. We were all in our own world of hurt and all I could see was my baby laying on that table. Tears was dripping on him that he would never feel and my heart broke in two that day.
We all kneeled there for I don't know how long just trying to will the life back into him if only for a moment so I could tell him I love him again. Then in my head I asked God to please take care of him now that he was with him, give him a hug for me and tell him I love him... always. As I stood up I noticed he had on the shirt and shoes we had just bought him for Christmas too and I lost it again... there would be no more Christmas's or anything else for that matter.
I didn't want to leave him in that place all by himself surrounded by strangers. But the group was urging me to go and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do... walk away from the most important person in my life on the day he needed me most.
The ride home was a blur and my thoughts were whizzing by in no particular order and my heart ached. I only thought I knew about heartache before but this was by far the most indescribable pain I have ever felt in my life. I wanted to die right then and there, it simply didn't matter at all to me any more. I think we went to moms before we went home but I am really not sure... my body was on autopilot and my mind was somewhere else. We got to my house and I walked in the front door but just couldn't be confined at that moment and walked out the back door to the deck... where I hurled off the side when I thought no one was looking.
People came and went and I barely remember who, but I did remember my cousins who lived close by were there and my grandmother too. Mom had come with us to my house and I don't know where dad was at this time. Ariel and Scott were there and of course Rosco was too. I do remember people telling stories trying to make us feel a little better but... I was lost. The phones were ringing constantly and some were just complete surprises from the past. They had heard on the news and put it together that it was Trey, although they used his full name.
Food started showing up and I was touched that my old boss had heard the news and sent over a tray from the local deli. Especially since I left in such a rush. One of the girls I used to work with came by as well and bless her heart she had made a casserole dish. If you knew how hard it was for her to cook you'd know just how much that meant to me, that she would go to so much trouble. Every new face I saw brought a fresh round of tears and sorrow. People were busy doing things and cleaning up all around me and I was barely aware.
The one call I dreaded to make was to my friend Janet who was still on her honeymoon. I didn't want to ruin what was supposed to be the happiest time in her life. So I waited until they got home a little later... maybe even a few days... but when I thought about her and then Trey not ever going to have the opportunity... I broke down again.
After most of the people had left the rest of us stayed up talking and crying until 4 am or so. We eventually laid down but I didn't sleep all that much... just dozed only to awake and relive it all over again. When I did get up it took me three times to make the coffee, something I had been doing for 20 years. I couldn't even handle something as simple as that so how was I going to make it through this day? All I knew for sure was that nothing else mattered... not one bit.
21. When Worlds Collide II >>>>>
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
These next three days and posts are the darkest period in my life and will include the thoughts I had running through my head if possible to the events as I can recall. Time was speeding up and slowing down all at the same time. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together have been very hard and even as I write this I still have tears in my eyes. It may seem like I repeat myself some but I want to make each piece as easy to understand as possible and each piece that came before all leads up to this time. The following link was obtained well after and so contains a bit more info than I got at the time.
On that Thursday morning when I woke up the house was thankfully quiet and I had a moment to wake up in peace, get my coffee and turn on the TV. As soon as I flicked it on the local 24 hour news channel had announced a bad car wreck near Trey's school but took a while to actually get to the point... as usual. When the story finally came on I got up and looked at the screen hard trying to determine if I knew either of the cars in the crash. One was a small white Toyota I think and the other looked like an old Mercedes and I was scanning my brain trying to think if any of Trey's friends had those cars and none did... to my knowledge. No names were released at that point. The news story went off but I couldn't stop thinking about that wreck...
Until my dad called about and hour or so later and told me to get home... he had been trying to reach mom but couldn't. That was all he said and hung up. At that point I got so mad at nothing and everything but I just couldn't understand why. Normally I don't indulge denial but that day it came over me with swiftly and completely for about 3 hours and then it was over.
Rosco came back to the house about that time and so we rode out to my parents house. I didn't even think to stop and put my teeth in! I was still mad the whole way there and unloaded on the poor guy without a thought. When I got to mom and dads there was no one at home so we sat out on the front porch... waiting.
A large box truck pulled up with three guys inside, one of which was dad and as I got up to meet him at the truck before he could even got out fully he said... "Trey's dead." I said "What? You mean mom?" She wasn't home yet and thought he must have made a mistake and was talking about her. He said "No... Trey" and then he broke down like I have never seen in my life. I said " No! It can't be... it just can't be right!" I broke down right there and knew his life was over and mine too for that matter.
Mom came home a little later surprised to see us all there in the front yard and dad told her before she could get out of the car. She looked over at me and saw the expression on my face along with the fact I had no teeth in and knew it was true. And then she broke down too.
At some point I called my friends Ariel and Scott, then my grandmother, then my ex and his sister. That was all I could do at that moment and I can't remember what was said... I was sobbing, just felt lost and alone even though I was surrounded by people.
The car ride to the hospital was long and it was short. I don't know if anyone said anything at all. I just remember thinking with the smallest flames of eternal hope that this just couldn't be happening. But my experience told me that the sheriff's department rarely makes mistakes when they have to identify a person and then contact their family.
At the hospital we were greeted with the principle of the school a very hard looking women who looked like she rather be any where in the world right now than here. I can't say I blamed her because neither did I. I remember meeting my friends and my exes sister in the waiting room. We were both crying and hugging each other for dear life.
The hospital advised us that we didn't want to see him at that point... but there was nothing on this earth that would have stopped me that day. So they took us back to the morgue and then pulled a lower drawer out.
I saw the red hoodie first and the tears came again with another flood of confusion and pain. I kneeled down and saw only the right side of his face. His left side was damaged from the wreck and was against the table. I touched his cheek and it was oh so cold... I knew then without a doubt my baby was gone.
We were surrounded by my friends and family and I could barely feel them there at that point. We were all in our own world of hurt and all I could see was my baby laying on that table. Tears was dripping on him that he would never feel and my heart broke in two that day.
We all kneeled there for I don't know how long just trying to will the life back into him if only for a moment so I could tell him I love him again. Then in my head I asked God to please take care of him now that he was with him, give him a hug for me and tell him I love him... always. As I stood up I noticed he had on the shirt and shoes we had just bought him for Christmas too and I lost it again... there would be no more Christmas's or anything else for that matter.
I didn't want to leave him in that place all by himself surrounded by strangers. But the group was urging me to go and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do... walk away from the most important person in my life on the day he needed me most.
The ride home was a blur and my thoughts were whizzing by in no particular order and my heart ached. I only thought I knew about heartache before but this was by far the most indescribable pain I have ever felt in my life. I wanted to die right then and there, it simply didn't matter at all to me any more. I think we went to moms before we went home but I am really not sure... my body was on autopilot and my mind was somewhere else. We got to my house and I walked in the front door but just couldn't be confined at that moment and walked out the back door to the deck... where I hurled off the side when I thought no one was looking.
People came and went and I barely remember who, but I did remember my cousins who lived close by were there and my grandmother too. Mom had come with us to my house and I don't know where dad was at this time. Ariel and Scott were there and of course Rosco was too. I do remember people telling stories trying to make us feel a little better but... I was lost. The phones were ringing constantly and some were just complete surprises from the past. They had heard on the news and put it together that it was Trey, although they used his full name.
Food started showing up and I was touched that my old boss had heard the news and sent over a tray from the local deli. Especially since I left in such a rush. One of the girls I used to work with came by as well and bless her heart she had made a casserole dish. If you knew how hard it was for her to cook you'd know just how much that meant to me, that she would go to so much trouble. Every new face I saw brought a fresh round of tears and sorrow. People were busy doing things and cleaning up all around me and I was barely aware.
The one call I dreaded to make was to my friend Janet who was still on her honeymoon. I didn't want to ruin what was supposed to be the happiest time in her life. So I waited until they got home a little later... maybe even a few days... but when I thought about her and then Trey not ever going to have the opportunity... I broke down again.
After most of the people had left the rest of us stayed up talking and crying until 4 am or so. We eventually laid down but I didn't sleep all that much... just dozed only to awake and relive it all over again. When I did get up it took me three times to make the coffee, something I had been doing for 20 years. I couldn't even handle something as simple as that so how was I going to make it through this day? All I knew for sure was that nothing else mattered... not one bit.
21. When Worlds Collide II >>>>>
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