I've been running pretty hard since July when mom's illness took a turn for the worse. For some reason I've also felt like I'm running out of time but for what, I have no idea. That's one of the reasons I started work on the house at the first of the year. We have come a long way but still have the main rooms including the kitchen to do. This virus lock down came along and it seemed to confirm my suspicions that we are all running out of time. I've been working too hard because the lock down didn't really affect my daily life and I feel it in my bones now. This morning I woke up around 2 am and since I couldn't go back to sleep got up at 3 am.
I am deeply saddened this morning. My heart hurts thinking about all those that have left this plane of existence and they are truly missed. The people who have touched my life, even in a small way have been running through my mind. It's been 30 years since Granddad's death, 12 years since Trey's, 6 years since dad's and 7 months since mom's. Over the last 2 years we lost Grandma, Aunt Kat, Aunt Fran, Uncle Jerry and Aunt Ruthie. Trey's friend Danny has been gone 10 years now, my friend Karen almost 5 years and the young troubled girl named Kellie who lived with me for a while has been gone for about 2 years now. And my sweet Gus has only been gone for a little over a year. Each of these people and Gus impacted my life and their absence is felt absolutely. Pictures are all I have of their physical presence but I still talk to them as if they can hear me when I need to. But I miss the physical touch and the sound of their voices, the feeling of their presence more with each passing day, yearning to be with them. Especially with all that is going on in the world today.
Some times I can be thankful that they all checked out of this world before this insanity begun. Maybe they knew on some level that the events happening today were coming about and did what they could while they were here and then said... okay... I'm out. I know Trey's death eventually sent me on a search for the all allusive answer to the question; what is the meaning of life? That search took me to some strange places that would have most of my God fearing family cringing with apprehension on a very deep level. Some of the post in this blog were written with the level of understanding I had at the time which I have firmly believed was only a stepping stone to other knowledge or experiences. I think if life is only lessons and there are vast lessons in the universe then, wherever you are in your lesson plan is only a place to ponder, experiment or just learn until you can move on to the next. In my mind, I've likened it to growing up for which many people are unwilling to do for whatever reason. I now understand that not everyone is here to learn about spirituality for the purpose of growing.
And there are those who do want to learn but have been led astray with all the lies, half truths, misinformation and firmly planted beliefs that are rooted in this world for the purpose of diverting them from finding out that this world is not what it seems to be in any way, shape of fashion. There are usually kernels of truth here and there but to distinguish the truth from the sometimes oh so subtle lies is a tall order. I can remember many years ago I had a few basic truths that were quite evident to me and they were... the world system we live under is an inherently greedy one... there was a whole lot more to the universe than religion had revealed... and the value of life on this planet meant very little to too many people.
Conversations with people throughout the years were puzzling because some of them saw some of this but rarely thought beyond that which is one thing but the other thing was they didn't seem all that interested in exploring the deeper meaning of life. The few conversations I've had on that level were the most important ones and those were frustratingly few and far between. I understand that was my fault because of the people I choose to hang around weren't capable and I didn't go out looking for ones who were. Or if they came to me, I didn't take the time to find out if it was possible. It is another reason I've felt so alone in this world even before the ones I loved left. But I can say that as detailed in the recent post about mom's dying and the deeper thinking I've been doing as of late, that my struggle with mom was also a blessing.
Mom made me be self reliant at a young age and she also put a lot of obstacles in my way that needed to be overcome preparing me for the world at large. She also didn't attend church or push any belief system on me that had to be overcome. She didn't have a lot of answers about the deeper meaning of life which caused me to be able to search out my own answers without too many prejudices and that was her greatest gift to me. It's a shame it only took me 48 years to realize that. Trey's gift to us all was holding the family together because I am not so sure it would have stayed intact without him. Even with the strife and struggle between all of us there were lessons that needed to be learned, karma that needed to be purged and most importantly the opportunity to love another human unconditionally. Whether any of us achieved this remains to be seen but for me he also introduced me to movies that I wouldn't have watched otherwise. These movies such as V for Vendetta and the Matrix trilogy were paramount in analogies when reading about the issues we all face on a daily basis. Of course there were many other little tid bits that were scattered throughout the course of his short life that didn't seem all that important at the time, but turned out to be of great significance later on with much thought.
Each event however small started me on the path to learning (the hard way usually) but Trey's birth really pushed me to grow up. I was just drifting before hand and while the seed was planted it still took a few years to grow and root. The process was slow and tedious because it was trial and error... repeat. Each person in my life taught me things that were good and bad whether it was by intent or accident. Sometimes I was actually able to use the knowledge wisely and other times it took years for the lessons to really sink in. I think part of that was due to eternal hope that others were also seeking to grow as I was but realizing that was not the case and just couldn't be in this life time. I also think it was another contributing factor as to why it's so hard for me to be or become emotionally close to others.
Before this virus lock down there were many claiming to be "woke" to the enter workings of this world. Since I've been trying to awaken for years, I know that many of these folks are on their own stepping stone but I don't know if they will realize that there is so much more to what they know or think they know. I do realize that my knowledge wouldn't even fill a thimble and the awaking process is not as easy or pain free as they believe it to be. If it comes at all it comes in fits and starts in the beginning and to continue it, it takes a lot of work, sacrifice and a willingness to endure the pain of many things such as failure, personal relationships that may fall apart, belief systems torn to shreds, trauma in many varieties and many other assorted growing pains. From what I've seen many people avoid pain at all cost and this in and of itself is not conducive to waking up.
While I knew I needed to grow up, I can't say I had the intentions of waking up but there have been many heartbreaking, mind shattering moments that have caused me to begin this process. I can't say how far along because there is so much I just don't know and won't know in this life time. But there is a quote that I take to heart and it is... if it takes you 5 lifetimes to learn the lessons that are needed for you, then start now. I can tell you I am not a blind faith kind of person because I've have felt that "blind" being the operative word is just that. Blind. Faith is something I have and continue to struggle with but I do believe that this world and any others are just lessons for us all.
Losing so many important people in my life as well as the many experiences to date should have prepared me for the social distancing, muzzle wearing, blind faith in the PTB by the many super programmed people in this world... and to a degree it has... but because it is this trying to take away the opportunity for humans to interact with each other as humans that disturbs me greatly. Our connection to each other has been beaten down steadily over the years and this push to break it all together takes being lonely to a whole new level. I guess some will not understand or even notice but some of you will. If you are apart of a close knit family the effects will be profound and the feelings may be unbearable.
When I started this post it was early May and now it is early August. 3 months have flown by at a crawl, if you can understand my meaning. We are in the last stage of remodeling and things are coming together at least at home. Work is still more than challenging due to the nature of it (grocery), the times we are in and the disintegration of a good team by managers who are nothing but corporate mouth pieces while doing as little as possible. Those types of managers set up teams to fail and then blame the teams themselves when it happens. They accuse us of doing what they themselves are doing while causing even more division among the team. This team was consistently in the top 3 in the district and sometimes leading the district without these managers present. After they arrived things could only go downhill from there.
Sounds familiar? That is also what I see on a much broader scale with this country and the world. Since I have lived my life between a rock and hard place often enough, I can see that a brick has been added to the mix. Using the reference above, the rock and hard place was between corporate's ever increasing, insane demands with low pay and between customers. A good example of corporate directives came in emails several months ago. The first was said... "We understand that you do not have the people, training, equipment, space or products on the shelves but we will be increasing the volume to max plus some. We know you will do the best you can!" The next email stated... "We understand you are tired and you've done an excellent job keeping up with the volume but it's now time to get back to customer service excellence standards." This partly means cutting labor dollars aka employee hours without cutting the volume of work.
Some of the customers are the type to complain about almost everything to save a few dollars. Some use retail workers as a handy target to let off steam when their lives are not to their liking for whatever reason. Now imagine the added stress from the last few months of lock downs, mask wearing (or not), riots, school or job uncertainties and being told to stay away from the people or places where they can vent about what's going on. Then add the brick to the rock and hard place when you have poor to incompetent managers facilitating the destruction of a team making it a triangle where it becomes tough to move, think or just be.
The above situation in a work place is a good example of what's going on in the world. The biggest difference is scale. Information on the internet is being scrubbed of anything that contradicts the corporate interest, directives and mandates. IE: Social Distance, mask wearing, threat of more lock downs except where rioting is concerned, then that's okay. The incompetent managers aka corporate mouth pieces aka political puppets aka doctors for big pharma, with the help of the corporate driven media are telling you what to do when, how often, why and then claiming it is for everyone's good. The customers in this case are the ones who seem to have no clue to what's really going on but are parroting what they are being told repeatedly. They are the brainwashed, anxiety ridden, confused people who truly believe that things will get back to normal if we all just do as we are told. And if you don't do what they tell you to do they will complain, report or public shame you to make your life miserable.
My mom always said I was a willful child. I know I have been suspicious of authority figures for most of my life. For the simple reason, they don't make sense. Their actions show they don't care about the life of people. They don't care about their death either. I had to learn this the hard way and it was a painful lesson that took many years to understand. Going against the grain more often than not taught me how to be alone even if it's not the most healthy way to live. Being bullied as a kid taught me to have thick skin and eventually to stand up for myself. Not going to college or falling for too much of the indoctrination in high school helped me learn to think for myself... even if I am wrong at times... because finding out that I am wrong helped me to reevaluate the situations until I found solutions that actually worked.
While these things may have better prepared me for what has come about today, it by no means will make it any easier to navigate the disintegration of humans into automations of a dying system where we all become slaves to psychopaths in power. This is the most important war we all find ourselves in eventually when we can or will open our eyes to see. The young and the old are the casualties and have been for a very long time. It's a war on our spirit, soul, mind and bodies.
I am deeply saddened this morning. My heart hurts thinking about all those that have left this plane of existence and they are truly missed. The people who have touched my life, even in a small way have been running through my mind. It's been 30 years since Granddad's death, 12 years since Trey's, 6 years since dad's and 7 months since mom's. Over the last 2 years we lost Grandma, Aunt Kat, Aunt Fran, Uncle Jerry and Aunt Ruthie. Trey's friend Danny has been gone 10 years now, my friend Karen almost 5 years and the young troubled girl named Kellie who lived with me for a while has been gone for about 2 years now. And my sweet Gus has only been gone for a little over a year. Each of these people and Gus impacted my life and their absence is felt absolutely. Pictures are all I have of their physical presence but I still talk to them as if they can hear me when I need to. But I miss the physical touch and the sound of their voices, the feeling of their presence more with each passing day, yearning to be with them. Especially with all that is going on in the world today.
Some times I can be thankful that they all checked out of this world before this insanity begun. Maybe they knew on some level that the events happening today were coming about and did what they could while they were here and then said... okay... I'm out. I know Trey's death eventually sent me on a search for the all allusive answer to the question; what is the meaning of life? That search took me to some strange places that would have most of my God fearing family cringing with apprehension on a very deep level. Some of the post in this blog were written with the level of understanding I had at the time which I have firmly believed was only a stepping stone to other knowledge or experiences. I think if life is only lessons and there are vast lessons in the universe then, wherever you are in your lesson plan is only a place to ponder, experiment or just learn until you can move on to the next. In my mind, I've likened it to growing up for which many people are unwilling to do for whatever reason. I now understand that not everyone is here to learn about spirituality for the purpose of growing.
And there are those who do want to learn but have been led astray with all the lies, half truths, misinformation and firmly planted beliefs that are rooted in this world for the purpose of diverting them from finding out that this world is not what it seems to be in any way, shape of fashion. There are usually kernels of truth here and there but to distinguish the truth from the sometimes oh so subtle lies is a tall order. I can remember many years ago I had a few basic truths that were quite evident to me and they were... the world system we live under is an inherently greedy one... there was a whole lot more to the universe than religion had revealed... and the value of life on this planet meant very little to too many people.
Conversations with people throughout the years were puzzling because some of them saw some of this but rarely thought beyond that which is one thing but the other thing was they didn't seem all that interested in exploring the deeper meaning of life. The few conversations I've had on that level were the most important ones and those were frustratingly few and far between. I understand that was my fault because of the people I choose to hang around weren't capable and I didn't go out looking for ones who were. Or if they came to me, I didn't take the time to find out if it was possible. It is another reason I've felt so alone in this world even before the ones I loved left. But I can say that as detailed in the recent post about mom's dying and the deeper thinking I've been doing as of late, that my struggle with mom was also a blessing.
Mom made me be self reliant at a young age and she also put a lot of obstacles in my way that needed to be overcome preparing me for the world at large. She also didn't attend church or push any belief system on me that had to be overcome. She didn't have a lot of answers about the deeper meaning of life which caused me to be able to search out my own answers without too many prejudices and that was her greatest gift to me. It's a shame it only took me 48 years to realize that. Trey's gift to us all was holding the family together because I am not so sure it would have stayed intact without him. Even with the strife and struggle between all of us there were lessons that needed to be learned, karma that needed to be purged and most importantly the opportunity to love another human unconditionally. Whether any of us achieved this remains to be seen but for me he also introduced me to movies that I wouldn't have watched otherwise. These movies such as V for Vendetta and the Matrix trilogy were paramount in analogies when reading about the issues we all face on a daily basis. Of course there were many other little tid bits that were scattered throughout the course of his short life that didn't seem all that important at the time, but turned out to be of great significance later on with much thought.
Each event however small started me on the path to learning (the hard way usually) but Trey's birth really pushed me to grow up. I was just drifting before hand and while the seed was planted it still took a few years to grow and root. The process was slow and tedious because it was trial and error... repeat. Each person in my life taught me things that were good and bad whether it was by intent or accident. Sometimes I was actually able to use the knowledge wisely and other times it took years for the lessons to really sink in. I think part of that was due to eternal hope that others were also seeking to grow as I was but realizing that was not the case and just couldn't be in this life time. I also think it was another contributing factor as to why it's so hard for me to be or become emotionally close to others.
Before this virus lock down there were many claiming to be "woke" to the enter workings of this world. Since I've been trying to awaken for years, I know that many of these folks are on their own stepping stone but I don't know if they will realize that there is so much more to what they know or think they know. I do realize that my knowledge wouldn't even fill a thimble and the awaking process is not as easy or pain free as they believe it to be. If it comes at all it comes in fits and starts in the beginning and to continue it, it takes a lot of work, sacrifice and a willingness to endure the pain of many things such as failure, personal relationships that may fall apart, belief systems torn to shreds, trauma in many varieties and many other assorted growing pains. From what I've seen many people avoid pain at all cost and this in and of itself is not conducive to waking up.
While I knew I needed to grow up, I can't say I had the intentions of waking up but there have been many heartbreaking, mind shattering moments that have caused me to begin this process. I can't say how far along because there is so much I just don't know and won't know in this life time. But there is a quote that I take to heart and it is... if it takes you 5 lifetimes to learn the lessons that are needed for you, then start now. I can tell you I am not a blind faith kind of person because I've have felt that "blind" being the operative word is just that. Blind. Faith is something I have and continue to struggle with but I do believe that this world and any others are just lessons for us all.
Losing so many important people in my life as well as the many experiences to date should have prepared me for the social distancing, muzzle wearing, blind faith in the PTB by the many super programmed people in this world... and to a degree it has... but because it is this trying to take away the opportunity for humans to interact with each other as humans that disturbs me greatly. Our connection to each other has been beaten down steadily over the years and this push to break it all together takes being lonely to a whole new level. I guess some will not understand or even notice but some of you will. If you are apart of a close knit family the effects will be profound and the feelings may be unbearable.
When I started this post it was early May and now it is early August. 3 months have flown by at a crawl, if you can understand my meaning. We are in the last stage of remodeling and things are coming together at least at home. Work is still more than challenging due to the nature of it (grocery), the times we are in and the disintegration of a good team by managers who are nothing but corporate mouth pieces while doing as little as possible. Those types of managers set up teams to fail and then blame the teams themselves when it happens. They accuse us of doing what they themselves are doing while causing even more division among the team. This team was consistently in the top 3 in the district and sometimes leading the district without these managers present. After they arrived things could only go downhill from there.
Sounds familiar? That is also what I see on a much broader scale with this country and the world. Since I have lived my life between a rock and hard place often enough, I can see that a brick has been added to the mix. Using the reference above, the rock and hard place was between corporate's ever increasing, insane demands with low pay and between customers. A good example of corporate directives came in emails several months ago. The first was said... "We understand that you do not have the people, training, equipment, space or products on the shelves but we will be increasing the volume to max plus some. We know you will do the best you can!" The next email stated... "We understand you are tired and you've done an excellent job keeping up with the volume but it's now time to get back to customer service excellence standards." This partly means cutting labor dollars aka employee hours without cutting the volume of work.
Some of the customers are the type to complain about almost everything to save a few dollars. Some use retail workers as a handy target to let off steam when their lives are not to their liking for whatever reason. Now imagine the added stress from the last few months of lock downs, mask wearing (or not), riots, school or job uncertainties and being told to stay away from the people or places where they can vent about what's going on. Then add the brick to the rock and hard place when you have poor to incompetent managers facilitating the destruction of a team making it a triangle where it becomes tough to move, think or just be.
The above situation in a work place is a good example of what's going on in the world. The biggest difference is scale. Information on the internet is being scrubbed of anything that contradicts the corporate interest, directives and mandates. IE: Social Distance, mask wearing, threat of more lock downs except where rioting is concerned, then that's okay. The incompetent managers aka corporate mouth pieces aka political puppets aka doctors for big pharma, with the help of the corporate driven media are telling you what to do when, how often, why and then claiming it is for everyone's good. The customers in this case are the ones who seem to have no clue to what's really going on but are parroting what they are being told repeatedly. They are the brainwashed, anxiety ridden, confused people who truly believe that things will get back to normal if we all just do as we are told. And if you don't do what they tell you to do they will complain, report or public shame you to make your life miserable.
My mom always said I was a willful child. I know I have been suspicious of authority figures for most of my life. For the simple reason, they don't make sense. Their actions show they don't care about the life of people. They don't care about their death either. I had to learn this the hard way and it was a painful lesson that took many years to understand. Going against the grain more often than not taught me how to be alone even if it's not the most healthy way to live. Being bullied as a kid taught me to have thick skin and eventually to stand up for myself. Not going to college or falling for too much of the indoctrination in high school helped me learn to think for myself... even if I am wrong at times... because finding out that I am wrong helped me to reevaluate the situations until I found solutions that actually worked.
While these things may have better prepared me for what has come about today, it by no means will make it any easier to navigate the disintegration of humans into automations of a dying system where we all become slaves to psychopaths in power. This is the most important war we all find ourselves in eventually when we can or will open our eyes to see. The young and the old are the casualties and have been for a very long time. It's a war on our spirit, soul, mind and bodies.
