Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Table of contents and My Reality


6. Suppression Equals Depression 









I consider myself a realist and by that I mean I am not an optimist or a pessimist but I strive for the middle ground. I live by the motto hope for the best but prepare for the worst and for those of you who know me or my family then you understand why. I always tried to examine situations and listen to people more than I talk to them. I am still prone to knee jerk reactions to things that impact my life or my close friends because it is natural to some extent. As long as I don’t act on those first impulses and step back from the situation to think about it in context, then things usually work out just fine. But it’s those times when I can’t step back fast enough to stop those knee jerk reactions that get me into a mess of trouble. Emotions run high with years of frustration from many parties involved because everybody has a different perspective on what’s best for each other and not themselves. Then you add the death of a high school teenager, my son and only child to the reality of life and I find myself wrapped up in a high school drama that I had prayed I left behind, only to find that I was just dreaming.

I am very used to taking care of myself without taking advantage of other people in the process. I know that if I set my mind to something I will finish it even if it has to be broken down to many baby steps taken one at a time. I may have an idea of what other peoples’ problems are or even a solution but I rarely offer advice even when people ask. The truth is hard for anyone to swallow and I believe people have to experience things for themselves so that’s why I rarely bother any more. The bad things is I’ve played dumb for many years and by doing so learned many things much quicker than I would have otherwise. It wasn’t very hard because people look at me and make that assumption on first impressions and I don’t try hard to change it. They way I deal with questionable people is to give them enough rope to make a swing or a noose and the choice is totally theirs. About the only thing that surprises me anymore is how fast some actually hang themselves. I over came many obstacles to get where I am today so I have very little in common with shallow people with a sense of entitlement. My knee jerk reaction to those folks is… run!  A lot of post in this blog detail some of those people and what happened that made me see I had a lot of work to do on myself.  Why are these types of people in my life?  I know the common denominator is me so what am I doing wrong?

The biggest problems I have had in my life is when these types of people can’t take a hint and then try to play me for a fool sometimes repeatedly. When I was younger I would have sought vengeance and ended up embroiled in a cycle that took a long time to break. At the other end of the spectrum with age I began to try to do whatever it took to keep the peace because I learned the hard way it was easier although things rarely if ever got resolved. Over the years I have chosen my battles but when everything in my life changed so did my patience, attitude and needs. My needs were put on the back burner for so long that I didn't know what they were any longer.  When I was younger and confronted with the obvious button pushers I had found that I had no patience for games, tact and political correctness because there was going to be an explosion when the right buttons are pushed.  Today, it just takes much more to push those buttons and when they are pushed I can ignore the internal need to push back.  Some people are sent to test us and while I am always trying to check my self importance at the door, some times self preservation is the only option.

I have been on my own for over 30 years and in addition to experience I am finally comfortable with who I am. I like solitude because I can work or be creative better without distractions and most importantly I can think. I don’t want control over others lives, just my own and just because I don’t play the games doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention. As much as I desire peace, I understand you have to create it. We'll hope for the best but prepare for the worst because sometimes it’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better.  For the real people out there trying so hard to live, learn and care for others, I have the utmost respect for each and every one of you.  Today's world is hard and often unforgiving but there is so much to learn, experience and do.  If you are a person who pushed through life's situations then you may relate to some of my experiences in this blog.  Any way, thank you for being apart of my journey to healthier living.
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