1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this?, 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
Thank you for reading about my life's ups and downs. Writing this has been an exercise in trying to learn to communicate with others better. If you don't know me personally then I may seem as strange to you as a UFO but this is an open blog. Anyone can read the contents even the people I have been writing about. Now I doubt they will trip over this accidentally but you just never can tell. The purpose was to get it out and put it in order as best as possible and then try and understand just what did happen and why. I have bared some of the most personal things here in the book and it is still just the tip of the iceberg but this was a starting place that I may reference back to as needed. But most of this book was my opinions and I feel they may have a little more weight if you know where I came from. It was my way of boiling down the known facts and emotions to the barest of minimum, while retaining enough of the important details. It's was about exploring mistakes, people, situations and there is a lot more of that to come but I've got a lot more work to do on myself so this was just the beginning. I highly recommend you trying your hand at writing because you may find reasons that were just waiting for you to discover them. As I have been proof reading over and over again, it sometimes sparks another memory and another plus is if I ever get Alzheimers I can always refer back to this... if I can find it that is... ;)
There is so much more inside me than this though, but having no way to really express it has been a life long thing so this is the next best thing. Another thing I learned over time was to keep the things I cared for the most quiet, so that the people in my life didn't use them against me for one reason or another. But doing that has made talking about the good times harder and I've really had to dig deep for those special moments that were buried under all the ugliness of life. I've tried to weave together a complex set of circumstances into a cohesive and objective way. By changing the names of many who were involved I have provided some anonymity at least to the casual reader but for those who know, the clues are all there for you to figure out if you are so interested. I think it would be really neat if just one person who was written about here would write their own therapy blog so I could see their side of things, but I won't hold my breath on that either. The bad experiences taught me as much if not more than the good ones at times and while I am no expert at anything, I do know that the actions of several people I have wrote about were very painful because I do feel intensely. My question was or do they ever feel intensely about anything other than themselves? But one good thing that comes from dealing with such people is you not only can realize who are the good ones but you appreciate them all the more for it.
While I have written some through out my life, mostly in notebooks and not near as concise or complete, this is the first time I have put it out there publicly. Again I am sorry I had to repeat some things but I was trying to make it clear for even the folks who don't know us or our situations to be able to follow my train of thought. By putting people in their own chapters I hope I made it easier to understand who was, what, where and when... but for the most part many of those things were happening simultaneously. I have always had a hard time with time itself. Keeping up with it and thinking about it in a linear way is not the way I have viewed life. In fact after reading more and more about it I found that there is really no such thing as time and we humans made it up... along with a lot of other things apparently. So are we are really living on a cylindrical loop of time or a circle in a circle spinning simultaneously maybe even in opposite directions? Maybe within the circle of the circle we each flow in our own pattern like that of a spiral that spreads out as it moves further from the center to ever reaching destinations. I don't know and it's just a thought but it does explain why I have such a hard time keeping up with time! But it doesn't really explain why I feel time is still running out or for what even.
Another analogy I've been pondering is The Tree of Life where we start out as roots and grow into the trunk, then on to branches that will in turn divide with each decision we make ultimately leading us to our final destination at the top of the tree... if we choose wisely that is. Some I think may just move laterally to one side or the other and still other branches may wither and die altogether. What ever pattern your life follows it still originates within the first loop that contains the patterns for all life and the cycle seems to repeat as many times as necessary for us to learn what we need to learn. In other words sometimes you need to get to the root of the problems in order to heal them so you can grow stronger and healthier. Our souls are connected to one another but we have become very disconnected through artificial means over many years making it very hard to see the forest for the trees.
But I found that not everyone's final destination is at the top of the tree. Some are comfortable where ever they land and there is not enough fertilizer on earth to change their location in life. While I used to envy those who are satisfied with very little I will never be satisfied with little intellect or motivation to learn because it is not who I am. There is so very much out there for us to learn and I want to learn but I can't drag anyone else into the light or any where else for that matter. It has and always will be their decision to come willingly or not. All except for Trey because he was so young and it was my job as his mom to open him up to as many new ideas as possible. Now with him gone my focus has dwindled considerably and just trying to figure out what to do next is the crossroads I have arrived at once again. The one thing I can say for sure is I am looking for a better way. I didn't want to face certain aspects of my life for a while but that time is now over too, but things are open to new possibilities. Welcome to the new me and the new world.
I've spent most of my life waiting on one thing or another to resolve, most of which I had little or no control over and now I find that waiting on people to make a decision about really important matters is the toughest thing for me to do. I know I only have a few more years to complete the loads of work necessary so that I can enjoy the rest of my time in a peaceful place with most of the hard stuff handled and the lessons more to my development at that stage but the people in my life right now are not on the same page and I am not sure if they ever will be. I am not saying any of them are bad people... but they are not really interested in listening to who I am much less what I'd like to do in my life. The frustrating part is that I do know them and have listened intently to their words but also watched their actions. They are content with what they have and where they are at and I am not... if fact I am so tired of waiting that the frustration mounting is another sign that things are fixin' to take another turn here in my little world. I don't think I have ever felt important enough to anyone in my life for them to actually make room for me or give a few concessions that would allow me to remain in their life, other than Sherri. I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for people who can compromise, make a decision and stick with it. I have given all I have and quite simply I am give out but I can not sit here living with the wishful thinking of others because I know how unproductive that is. But if it is their choice then at some point in time I will have to make one myself.
In my life time, I have felt like the donkey who is forever trying to reach a carrot that is being dangled in front of them by a rider with another goal in mind. Those days of me going the distance on blind faith are long gone too. I know we all want to feel appreciated but just saying the words holds little value for me. It must be shown and when it is not after a time then I must look at the root of the problem and then make a decision to move on or deal with it. I have stated clearly and often that I am looking for people who can care about more than just themselves and accept responsibility for their actions. I also understand that people change or not who you thought they were but I am also tired of paying the price in the end for my own ignorance. While I will always care for my roommate and long time friend we are very different people as I have said before but I am not even the same person I was before losing Trey so now the gap widens a little bit more very day. He is running on the hamster wheel and I can't reach him from here. I am not getting on the hamster wheel to nowhere again and that's that.
He deals with a petty tyrant even when this tyrant may cost him everything he worked so hard for, all the while causing damage to many other people around him at the same time. He is also becoming his own petty tyrant but this is his lesson to learn for I have already completed that course. I asked him did he want to keep arguing with the tyrant about who is boss or did he want to be the boss. I told him that just because he was the idiot whisperer that didn't mean he couldn't take a break from it once in a while. :) I know just how destructive those types of people are and he does too, if the truth be told because I have showed him but as to whether he applies what he's learned remains to be seen. If you are asking why do I care then you must know I do care about him and his future and can see the toll it is taking on him but the problem remains his to handle. While he is arguing with the tyrant a lot of work is not being done and again... it is not my company so I have little control over the outcome... only the clean up.
These are just some of the things that are going on right now and the next book will explore what, who, how and maybe I'll find a path that is right this time. I know I have a pretty good life here and I am not complaining about it... much. But this is not my life, it is really my roommates and I have waited long enough to be able to do the things I enjoy and find people who are interested in the same ideas. I would like things to work out by way of compromises on both of our parts but that has not always been my experience. I do want to continue to help him as best as I can, but I do not want to keep applying bandaids to the mounting problems that must be solved. Our differences could and do work well together... sometimes but we are fast approaching the point of an opportunity that has passed. He lumbers on as if he has all the time in the world but I know that all of our time on earth is limited and my patience is almost non existent. Is it his fault? Certainly not but the fact remains the same no matter the circumstance. To me it is all about making choices and my choice is to stop waiting for others to care about themselves or even me. The closet idealist hopes that a true partnership can be formed where there is a comfortable give and take and I am working on that because it is important but the realist sees a need to close out this chapter and start fresh.
I have lived a life of contradictions and my roommate has too. The only difference is, I understand mine a little better and use them to make decisions instead of a reason not to. And please don't misunderstand because I know I can be a difficult person to live with. I do my best to keep it under control but there comes as time when you must lay all your cards on the table and that is what I am doing here. I care for him enough to be honest even if I lose his friendship and my place to live because it is the right thing to do. I will never be a great pretender and I can only hope that it is enough in the long run. I know I am damaged but I do try to heal and learn because I have made enough mistakes as it is. Will he? Only time will tell and no matter what happens, I always be thankful to him for everything he has done. While I am living this chapter I will still continue to write about many other things but when it is done I'll let you know whether this was merely another stepping stone to life or a place I can truly call home... at least for a while longer. ;)
End of Volume 1
Volume 2. Ch. 1. The Weirdness Within >>>>>
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this?, 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
Thank you for reading about my life's ups and downs. Writing this has been an exercise in trying to learn to communicate with others better. If you don't know me personally then I may seem as strange to you as a UFO but this is an open blog. Anyone can read the contents even the people I have been writing about. Now I doubt they will trip over this accidentally but you just never can tell. The purpose was to get it out and put it in order as best as possible and then try and understand just what did happen and why. I have bared some of the most personal things here in the book and it is still just the tip of the iceberg but this was a starting place that I may reference back to as needed. But most of this book was my opinions and I feel they may have a little more weight if you know where I came from. It was my way of boiling down the known facts and emotions to the barest of minimum, while retaining enough of the important details. It's was about exploring mistakes, people, situations and there is a lot more of that to come but I've got a lot more work to do on myself so this was just the beginning. I highly recommend you trying your hand at writing because you may find reasons that were just waiting for you to discover them. As I have been proof reading over and over again, it sometimes sparks another memory and another plus is if I ever get Alzheimers I can always refer back to this... if I can find it that is... ;)
There is so much more inside me than this though, but having no way to really express it has been a life long thing so this is the next best thing. Another thing I learned over time was to keep the things I cared for the most quiet, so that the people in my life didn't use them against me for one reason or another. But doing that has made talking about the good times harder and I've really had to dig deep for those special moments that were buried under all the ugliness of life. I've tried to weave together a complex set of circumstances into a cohesive and objective way. By changing the names of many who were involved I have provided some anonymity at least to the casual reader but for those who know, the clues are all there for you to figure out if you are so interested. I think it would be really neat if just one person who was written about here would write their own therapy blog so I could see their side of things, but I won't hold my breath on that either. The bad experiences taught me as much if not more than the good ones at times and while I am no expert at anything, I do know that the actions of several people I have wrote about were very painful because I do feel intensely. My question was or do they ever feel intensely about anything other than themselves? But one good thing that comes from dealing with such people is you not only can realize who are the good ones but you appreciate them all the more for it.
While I have written some through out my life, mostly in notebooks and not near as concise or complete, this is the first time I have put it out there publicly. Again I am sorry I had to repeat some things but I was trying to make it clear for even the folks who don't know us or our situations to be able to follow my train of thought. By putting people in their own chapters I hope I made it easier to understand who was, what, where and when... but for the most part many of those things were happening simultaneously. I have always had a hard time with time itself. Keeping up with it and thinking about it in a linear way is not the way I have viewed life. In fact after reading more and more about it I found that there is really no such thing as time and we humans made it up... along with a lot of other things apparently. So are we are really living on a cylindrical loop of time or a circle in a circle spinning simultaneously maybe even in opposite directions? Maybe within the circle of the circle we each flow in our own pattern like that of a spiral that spreads out as it moves further from the center to ever reaching destinations. I don't know and it's just a thought but it does explain why I have such a hard time keeping up with time! But it doesn't really explain why I feel time is still running out or for what even.
Another analogy I've been pondering is The Tree of Life where we start out as roots and grow into the trunk, then on to branches that will in turn divide with each decision we make ultimately leading us to our final destination at the top of the tree... if we choose wisely that is. Some I think may just move laterally to one side or the other and still other branches may wither and die altogether. What ever pattern your life follows it still originates within the first loop that contains the patterns for all life and the cycle seems to repeat as many times as necessary for us to learn what we need to learn. In other words sometimes you need to get to the root of the problems in order to heal them so you can grow stronger and healthier. Our souls are connected to one another but we have become very disconnected through artificial means over many years making it very hard to see the forest for the trees.
But I found that not everyone's final destination is at the top of the tree. Some are comfortable where ever they land and there is not enough fertilizer on earth to change their location in life. While I used to envy those who are satisfied with very little I will never be satisfied with little intellect or motivation to learn because it is not who I am. There is so very much out there for us to learn and I want to learn but I can't drag anyone else into the light or any where else for that matter. It has and always will be their decision to come willingly or not. All except for Trey because he was so young and it was my job as his mom to open him up to as many new ideas as possible. Now with him gone my focus has dwindled considerably and just trying to figure out what to do next is the crossroads I have arrived at once again. The one thing I can say for sure is I am looking for a better way. I didn't want to face certain aspects of my life for a while but that time is now over too, but things are open to new possibilities. Welcome to the new me and the new world.
I've spent most of my life waiting on one thing or another to resolve, most of which I had little or no control over and now I find that waiting on people to make a decision about really important matters is the toughest thing for me to do. I know I only have a few more years to complete the loads of work necessary so that I can enjoy the rest of my time in a peaceful place with most of the hard stuff handled and the lessons more to my development at that stage but the people in my life right now are not on the same page and I am not sure if they ever will be. I am not saying any of them are bad people... but they are not really interested in listening to who I am much less what I'd like to do in my life. The frustrating part is that I do know them and have listened intently to their words but also watched their actions. They are content with what they have and where they are at and I am not... if fact I am so tired of waiting that the frustration mounting is another sign that things are fixin' to take another turn here in my little world. I don't think I have ever felt important enough to anyone in my life for them to actually make room for me or give a few concessions that would allow me to remain in their life, other than Sherri. I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for people who can compromise, make a decision and stick with it. I have given all I have and quite simply I am give out but I can not sit here living with the wishful thinking of others because I know how unproductive that is. But if it is their choice then at some point in time I will have to make one myself.
In my life time, I have felt like the donkey who is forever trying to reach a carrot that is being dangled in front of them by a rider with another goal in mind. Those days of me going the distance on blind faith are long gone too. I know we all want to feel appreciated but just saying the words holds little value for me. It must be shown and when it is not after a time then I must look at the root of the problem and then make a decision to move on or deal with it. I have stated clearly and often that I am looking for people who can care about more than just themselves and accept responsibility for their actions. I also understand that people change or not who you thought they were but I am also tired of paying the price in the end for my own ignorance. While I will always care for my roommate and long time friend we are very different people as I have said before but I am not even the same person I was before losing Trey so now the gap widens a little bit more very day. He is running on the hamster wheel and I can't reach him from here. I am not getting on the hamster wheel to nowhere again and that's that.
He deals with a petty tyrant even when this tyrant may cost him everything he worked so hard for, all the while causing damage to many other people around him at the same time. He is also becoming his own petty tyrant but this is his lesson to learn for I have already completed that course. I asked him did he want to keep arguing with the tyrant about who is boss or did he want to be the boss. I told him that just because he was the idiot whisperer that didn't mean he couldn't take a break from it once in a while. :) I know just how destructive those types of people are and he does too, if the truth be told because I have showed him but as to whether he applies what he's learned remains to be seen. If you are asking why do I care then you must know I do care about him and his future and can see the toll it is taking on him but the problem remains his to handle. While he is arguing with the tyrant a lot of work is not being done and again... it is not my company so I have little control over the outcome... only the clean up.
These are just some of the things that are going on right now and the next book will explore what, who, how and maybe I'll find a path that is right this time. I know I have a pretty good life here and I am not complaining about it... much. But this is not my life, it is really my roommates and I have waited long enough to be able to do the things I enjoy and find people who are interested in the same ideas. I would like things to work out by way of compromises on both of our parts but that has not always been my experience. I do want to continue to help him as best as I can, but I do not want to keep applying bandaids to the mounting problems that must be solved. Our differences could and do work well together... sometimes but we are fast approaching the point of an opportunity that has passed. He lumbers on as if he has all the time in the world but I know that all of our time on earth is limited and my patience is almost non existent. Is it his fault? Certainly not but the fact remains the same no matter the circumstance. To me it is all about making choices and my choice is to stop waiting for others to care about themselves or even me. The closet idealist hopes that a true partnership can be formed where there is a comfortable give and take and I am working on that because it is important but the realist sees a need to close out this chapter and start fresh.
I have lived a life of contradictions and my roommate has too. The only difference is, I understand mine a little better and use them to make decisions instead of a reason not to. And please don't misunderstand because I know I can be a difficult person to live with. I do my best to keep it under control but there comes as time when you must lay all your cards on the table and that is what I am doing here. I care for him enough to be honest even if I lose his friendship and my place to live because it is the right thing to do. I will never be a great pretender and I can only hope that it is enough in the long run. I know I am damaged but I do try to heal and learn because I have made enough mistakes as it is. Will he? Only time will tell and no matter what happens, I always be thankful to him for everything he has done. While I am living this chapter I will still continue to write about many other things but when it is done I'll let you know whether this was merely another stepping stone to life or a place I can truly call home... at least for a while longer. ;)
End of Volume 1
Volume 2. Ch. 1. The Weirdness Within >>>>>
No comments:
Post a Comment