I made a choice to make a change...

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy, 
4.  Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?,  27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:)  Volume 2 >>>>>       

   
For the better and to be a better person. So very much easier said than done and I will be the first to admit that.  Some people are so resistant to change that they will avoid it at all cost, but I am one who appreciates change even if only afterward.  I get bored with shallow or narrow minded people and try to avoid banging my head against the proverbial brick walls as much as possible because they will not be moved and it really is a waste of effort.  But I did manage to make a really good friend named Sherri when I was about 17 and first starting work at the bank mail room in uptown.  She is super smart and loves learning and will probably be in one class or another until she just can't go any more.  She had a passion for math and science.  She was always very independent and was quick to help any one out, especially me.  At one point in time she was my landlord and we (8-10 of us) all lived in a 3 bedroom apartment.  Sherri and I worked the night shift and so we spent a lot of time together and she has the patience of Job to put up with me for so long.  In her early years at college she was taking psychology classes of all kinds that was required to become a school teacher.  The least I could do was help her study for tests while we were sorting mail.  That was before the automatic age of everything and both of us were full time and she would challenge me to see who could sort mail the fastest.  It was funny to watch a super batch of mail to be delivered and have to call in help from the processing floor.  If you didn't sort often most likely you would only do about 10- 15 a minute but we had our speed up to about 50 or 60 a minute.  Sometimes they would just stop and watch us, but we had fun in our own little world for the most part.

During the many hours of working and studying I asked her about everything from why the people we know or I knew was so screwed up (and there was a lot of them) to other topics ranging from religion, politics... which I knew little about... to our differences between each other.  She really helped me see the world through another lens because she challenged me to think about life in new ways without ever telling me what I should do.  She helped me understand why people are so different and how it all relates to how I approached life.  I'll never be more thankful for that because I was really looking for answers not an agenda and she was kind enough to take the time.  Not many people get to find someone like that in their life time and for those I am truly sorry.  Talking to her after talking to my ex then was like having to put in another computer program or sometimes like slamming the the gears in reverse when talking to the ex.  The worlds were so far apart there wasn't a bridge long enough to handle the gap.    

Sherri made a place for me in her family and was even the one who bought the pregnancy test with Trey.  She attending my wedding so long ago and I was at hers when she finally took the plunge years later.  One time I wore Sherri out with the Whitesnake tape so much so that she threatened me with a entire week of classical music if I played it one more time.  I did and she did.  She also introduced me to Stomp, Eyna and Loreena McKennitt who I just love because although I had heard a lot of their music in movies, I never knew their names.   I ended up living with her and her family twice over those early years and looking back on our run down house with more books than a library and I miss that time so much.  Not because it was easier, although it certainly was but it was the connection that I had with them.  They were different and they accepted my weirdness without a second thought.    I have been trying to be a better person with her in mind because she really set the bar high and I fear I still fail miserably.   

                                                               No that is not alcohol.

I met another friend named Scott at a pool hall I frequented and later worked at.  At first glance he looks like a typical redneck named Bubba and he likes to talk... usually loudly.  He worked on cars at one of the local dealerships and was a very interesting guy.  He really didn't fit the mold on many things and he proved that men can really think... if they want to.  Over the years he has proven to be the exception to many rules and I've never met anyone else like him.  When we met I had a lot going on and he didn't, living a semi care-free lifestyle.  Well 20 years later the situation is reversed because he has a lot going on and now I lead a more care-free lifestyle.  :)  One of my small pleasures in life is when he comes home and he's had a rough day, but there is still one more thing he has to do before he can quit (like move the truck) and will complain he doesn't have any time... I reply... Make time.  He used that line on me so often with many other ones thrown in and that used to frustrate me to no end!  Not any more.  Through out the years he has worked on my cars and I AM HARD ON CARS.  I worked as a courier at a law firm and delivered pizza at the same time for a while and any delivery job is tough on a car.  And you can't lie to your mechanic because the truth will come out.  One Christmas I was late getting down to my grandmothers house.  For 25 years the road she lived on forked to the left, but when I made that turn around midnight, I found myself in a ditch because they had turned it into a hard left turn several feet down the road.  By the Grace of God I was able to rock the car out after a while.  I was going to keep quiet about that particulate incident... to say I've had a few would be a gross understatement... but during the next oil and brake change he asked me to explain the red mud and grass in clumps under the front bumper by saying I see you've been off roadin' it again!  Busted! 

For the record I had my first big wreck at 19 and it was on Highway 218... the same road Trey died on and then 2 years later his friend Danny.  I came around a curve and hit a Toyota, that hit a new Firebird, that hit a custom van, that hit a brick mail box.  I don't screw up often but when I do, I do it right!  Over the years I have jumped curbs and seem to pick up every piece of debris on the road and found myself in a ditch a few times.  One time I was following a guy for work at a rather high rate of speed and there was a deep drop off on the side of the road where I hit and busted two tires and rims.  I Can't Drive 55, while doing that job.  For those that think you are unlucky driving... I've had my Honda stolen twice from outside of my house within 2 months AND hit an uninsured driver that pulled out in front of me in 06.  While Scott didn't do all the work it was safe to say I had a body and repair man on speed dial for a long time... and no it was not always Marvelous.  In fact the guys at the shop where Scott worked wondered just what I was doing to the car because I was in there all the time and Mayhem and Murphy were regular visitors.  My body guy, a friend of Scott's always had a smile on his face when I showed up.  It was almost like Christmas for him.  

   

Scott and I are opposite in a lot of ways like he came from a republican family and I am independent all the way.  He had a charmed life and I had a difficult one.  He loves Charlotte and I don't.  He likes the old way and I like change.  Yet our differences seems to work out for the most part and allowed our friendship to continue.  Scott has been the one who was THERE when others walked out during the most difficult times in my life... Everyday.  And that counts the most when it is all said and done.  Our friendship was so important to me that it was the number one main reason I didn't want to have a relationship with him. Partly because of my track record combined with his inexperience and I knew that it would get really ugly if it didn't work out.  It only took him about 13 years to finally come to the same conclusion. 

For years though we hung out together going to concerts, car shows, pool halls to shoot for leagues around the state, restaurants where we broke bread many times and state fairs.  In one of my rare moments of having an opportunity to reciprocate of small practical joke at the state fair we came across a vendor selling those tall Dr. Seuss hats.  I got a black and white one and picked a nice rainbow colored one for him.  He wore it all over the fair with no clue to it's meaning until we left and happened to see a rainbow sticker on the back of a car. By then I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe and he kept asking what is wrong with me.  Luckily he was a good sport about it which was good because living with Sherri and her husbands gay friend meant there were bound to be times that a few of his more openly gay friends would be about.  But Scott accepted everyone's differences and didn't even flinch when he saw open displays of affection.  That was a huge turning point with me in having two different worlds coming together in peace.  Before that I didn't think it was a possibility.  In one of the pool rooms we frequented I found out the owner had a few legal problems but he had a really good attorney who could handle it and it was the one I had heard about from the farm. 

Some of Scott's favorite concerts were Kansas, Boston and Journey.  Mine were Dave Matthews Band, Widespread Panic and Pearl Jam but he used to joke about micro bus, micro bus... his truck when we would pull up to the parking area.  We both loved Kenny G (yes we are getting older but still like all kinds) and Jackson Brown.  We had both seen Lynyrd Skynyrd enough so play Freebird!  Scott introduced me to the KISS method of keeping it simple stupid, and explained why the grass was always greener on the other side... because it was fertilized with so much bs!  He taught me A LOT about cars and it came in handy because I could then use them as analogies if possible whenever I needed to explain something.  It only took me about 10 years to understand when he says he does not understand... it really means he doesn't care about that.  

He also gave no mercy when playing pool and would leave me the worst shots... if he left one at all.  I got really good at making the hard shots after a while like banking a few rails or cutting the ball just so... but I still could choke on the easy shots like the 8 ball for lack of practice.  Looking back that is really what my life has been like...  handling the hard stuff but missing the easy stuff.  Roughly about 5 years or so after we had been hanging out I had, had enough of trying to explain my position to him and when a friend of his on our pool team who was just my type, tall, dark and full of it asked me out I said..Yeah!  The other little problem was this guy had just broken up with another girl also on our pool team at the time so after a month or so when I finally told them both, then all three of them were mad at me!  It had been 5 years since I had been with anyone and I could think of no better way to get my point across.  I really got tired of people not hearing me... so I make them hear me.           

Again I am not proud of that because I know I hurt Scott then and could have found a better way of handling the whole thing, but I was pushed past my patience and there it is.  It took a while but he forgave me and the guy too.  He still comes by from time to time and helps out with stuff.  He even ends up knowing another girl who I would meet much later on.  Scott and I have been through an awful lot over the years but we still remained very good friends.  If it wasn't for him I don't know where I'd be now and I can finally start to repay all the kindness and time he gave me over the years.  After talking about it for 15 years he finally cashed out his 401k right before the market crashed and bought a tow truck to start his towing business.  I was proud of him and looking back he made the right move.  He has hired 2 other drivers and has 3 trucks total since he started but still thinks he is basic.  I am trying to get him to understand he left basic when he took that left turn to Albuquerque as Bugs Bunny used to say when he started the business.  I needed a place when I gave up my house and he needed help with the mountain of paperwork that covered every surface in the house so now I work for my room and board.  It's a little like the blind leading the blind here but we make it through one day at a time.  Lets face it... I won't be driving the trucks and the insurance people would laugh me out of the building! Life is so much simpler now that I don't own anything and I know I am incredibly lucky when so many others are struggling just to survive.  I just wanted to say thanks to the 2 who helped save my sanity in this life I have.  And thank you to all the people who help their friends and try to make this world better one person at a time.   

9. Connection to the farm >>>>>     

I am the 99% because I care more about you...than money!

While money may have made the world go around it is fixin' to come to a complete stop.  We have stripped our resources to the bone, we have created poverty for many generations to come and we are fast approaching the tipping point of becoming deprived of every right we were we born with no matter where you live.  I have been aware of this to varying degrees through out my life.  A lot of people are "waking up" so to speak but as always their reality will be subjective.  There are a lot of debates going on in Facebook, blogs, or in person and it is easy to see the divisions of party lines or even cultural differences playing out.  It is not only expected but by design because if we all keep arguing with ourselves about who did what and who is right...then we will not be paying attention to what is really going on.  The game is divide and conquer and boy are we divided...I am just not sure who we plan to conquer at this point.  And believe it or not there are still those who are asleep or in denial and will remain that way until the END.  I have spoken before about people not hearing me and even pondered why but understand that to accept the world as is...is a very terrifying idea and coping with that is far beyond their capabilities.  To me that is sad and depressing because we will not be free as people until we are ALL free.

If you know me then you know I have pretty much lived in the hood most of my life.  Also growing up in the south east where racial, cultural and sexual differences are met with varying degrees of disapproval with churches on every corner.  I have to admit I am prejudiced...but not toward any one nation, color, gender or sexual orientation...I am prejudiced against ignorance, cruelty, depravity, oppression, greed and power.  Absolute power has corrupted absolutely and so the entire system must be replaced.  For that to happen the old one must crumble but that will not happen without a fight.  Until everyone realizes that psychopaths are the problem that have taken over the world and psychopaths come in every "flavor" in every family on this planet, they will have a hard time defending themselves against the true enemy of our time.  

I never cared for history when I was growing up in fact when we started to study it in school all I saw was a bunch of old white men claiming they won one war or another.  My thoughts were if they hadn't learned anything from history then why would I bother?   I have obviously changed my opinion on history and the more I read about the real stories as told from many different authors the more fascinated I become. Fascinated at the lies and how deep they go and is there an end?  One of my many problems with history is how far it covers up slavery.  The Indians and black folks being the most prominent in our history of course but the whole market from males, females and kids for the underground sex or drug trade that runs rampant today.  My question will always be how do the people in power KEEP get away with this?  My next big concern is the never ending WAR on everything and everybody that get's in their way.  The Holocaust is a constant reminder of a particularly brutal class war designed to enslave a mans soul.  That it could happen again seems like a locomotive heading out of control at maximum speed.  Apparently the elite are that only ones allowed to break laws but they are building more prisons to put the rest of us in.  If we are not happy with this economic prison currently named the American Dream they will provide you with another more ridged one which is slavery in and of itself.  The Latino population as well as many other ethnic cultures will be used as scapegoats and make no mistake when they get done breaking every other nation down they will turn to us with swift and brutal efficiency learned from many years of practice.    

I only remember vague impressions I had as a kid when I caught a sound bite from the news that dad usually watched.  I remember hearing Reagan's speech about trickle down economics and immediately had the image of someone peeing on our heads and...that's not right!  When I learned he was a former actor that spoke volumes to me because most paid actors can really pull off a con job like that!  I knew I couldn't bare to listen to Bush Sr. talk because he just sounded like he was full of it so I tuned him out completely.  When I heard Clinton debating what the word is...is I knew were screwed because that's sort of a basic and since he couldn't get that right then the advanced stuff was going to go far beyond his capabilities.  For the life of me I could not figure out how we got Bush Jr for 8 years because that defied all logic.  Period.


It went against my rule of not wasting precious energy to vote for Obama in 2008...but I did.  I have understood for some time that the election process was rigged like so many other things and decided it was not worth the effort.  I didn't vote for Obama to prove I wasn't a racist...I did it because I wanted to see hope in faces of the people where I live.  Yes I know it was false hope and for that I am truly sorry but I had hoped that it would inspire all races to get involved and see just what humanity was up against.  All politicians are puppets to the corporate elite and we all let it happen.  I am just as guilty as the next but I will not be quiet about it any longer...even if you don't want to hear it.  It is important and I care...not so much for my children but for yours.

For the few who still stand with the 1%...Don't get sick. Don't have an accident. Don't lose someone you love and drain your savings to bury them. Don't lose your job. Don't have kids. But because you probably will do some if not all of these things at some point in your life...Don't look for help from the 1%. After all that... don't worry because we the 99% will still be here for you.


http://www.truththeory.org/occupy-the-movie/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWeiewgsGWY

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/235720-US-Occupy-Wall-Street-Occupy-America-Occupy-The-World-Occupy-your-town- 

http://www.commondreams.org/view/2011/11/25-7


http://www.alternet.org/occupywallst/153164/why_is_codepink_part_of_the_occupy_movement


http://www.alternet.org/occupywallst/153172/how_do_we_know_ows_is_winning_elites_are_desperate_to_suppress_it?page=3


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/22/the-slavery-footprint-how_n_975516.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false


http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/21/us/police-officers-involved-in-pepper-spraying-placed-on-leave.html?_r=1&src=tp&smid=fb-share


http://october2011.org/blogs/kevin-zeese/99-s-deficit-proposal-how-create-jobs-reduce-wealth-divide-and-control-spending#.Tsik6IlGnqt.facebook


http://www.sott.net/articles/show/237858-US-Woman-Gets-Jail-For-Food-Stamp-Fraud-Wall-Street-Fraudsters-Get-Bailouts


http://www.commondreams.org/view/2011/11/18-5#.TsajGHaqpoY.facebook


http://www.sott.net/articles/show/237822-US-Blood-on-Wall-Street-Violent-Occupy-Wall-Street-arrests


http://americancensorship.org/


http://www.sott.net/articles/show/237538-9-Ways-The-Hijacked-Federal-Government-Is-Waging-War-Against-The-American-People


http://www.sott.net/articles/show/237350-Finding-Freedom-in-Handcuffs


http://www.alternet.org/story/152933/noam_chomsky_speaks_to_occupy:_if_we_want_a_chance_at_a_decent_future,_the_movement_here_and_around_the_world_must_grow/?page=entire


http://www.commondreams.org/view/2011/10/30-4#.Tq3vz4eKOko.facebook


http://www.dangerousminds.net/comments/everything_you_know_about_occupy_wall_street_is_wrong/


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZLyUK0t0vQ&feature=share


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/26/iraq-vet-oakland-police-tear-gas_n_1033159.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false


http://www.sott.net/articles/show/236671-US-New-York-cops-defy-order-to-arrest-hundreds-of-Occupy-Albany-protesters


http://www.alternet.org/occupywallst/152811/the_shocking,_graphic_data_that_shows_exactly_what_motivates_the_occupy_movement_/?page=3


http://colorlines.com/archives/2011/10/it_takes_a_village_to_turn_an_occupation_into_a_movement.html


http://www.sott.net/articles/show/236546-We-Are-The-99-Who-Want-Peace-Harmony-And-Love-On-The-Planet


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/keith-boykin/occupy-wall-street-media_b_1019707.html


http://www.alternet.org/occupywallst/152743/12_most_absurd_laws_used_to_stifle_the_occupy_wall_st._movement_around_the_country/?page=entire


http://www.wbtv.com/story/15735285/cover-story-occupy-charlotte-opposition#.Tp-cVTstkoA.facebook


http://www.truthdig.com/report/page3/a_movement_too_big_to_fail_20111017/


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tj8UlxhfJLw&feature=share


http://www.sott.net/articles/show/236402-US-New-York-Zuccotti-Park-A-Photo-Essay-on-A-Political-Movement-and-the-Kindness-of-Strangers


http://www.globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=27053


http://www.occupystream.com/


http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/why_the_elites_are_in_trouble_20111009/


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D983q4xOnZg&feature=feedu


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY5fdLoN0Xk&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fl.php%3Fu%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.youtube.com%252Fwatch%253Fv%253DaY5fdLoN0Xk%26h%3DWAQG2b1GiAQFjGSKqIzNj_-SEH_i1KpmbPFa70gC1DF74yA&has_verified=1


http://www.sott.net/articles/show/235735-US-More-than-500-arrested-in-Wall-Street-protest


http://www.ukprogressive.co.uk/mainstream-media-outlets-ignore-occupy-wall-street-protests/article14576.html


http://dissenter.firedoglake.com/2011/09/23/live-blog-of-occupywallstreet-other-us-cities-launch-occupations/

   

  

Marvelous Mistakes

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy, 
4.  Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?,  27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>      

   

There is so much going on in the world right now that I had to speak out in the earlier post, but this one is a little closer to home.  Many women out there will understand what I am taking about depending on the age and experience with the opposite sex.  If by some small miracle there is a man reading this please don't think it will be a typical male bashing piece because it won't be.  I like guys... well most of them anyway and have had longer lasting friendships with guys than girls over the years so I've had the privilege of being considered one of the guys.  If you know me you know I am not a girly girl.  Why you ask? Too much trouble.  Finding flattering clothes is difficult enough... I hate malls, high heels, constricting bras and pantyhose.  Not to mention the older you get the more you find out about how make up is tested or produced and it's enough to turn your stomach sometimes.  The one thing I did maintain for years was my hair, so I didn't forsake all vanity...until now.  About a year ago I just got tired of all the hassle so I had it cut off very short.  Even shorter than my mom used to make me wear when I was young and the grey is here to stay I'm afraid.  I will always love shoes though!  Anyway the time it takes for the typical women to get ready in the morning is way more time than I had and I certainly wasn't worried about things like sex appeal.  In fact the world seems to have a very hypocritical view towards sex and over time I noticed that the more sex appeal you have... at least on the out side... the less seriously you are taken.  And ladies don't let some men fool you when you hear them say " I love women with power tools" because some don't really mean it.  When you go to Lowes or HD and you start to acquire stuff for any projects then when the guys realize that it is a two party project... they aren't so happy about your power tools!  All of this is to give you a quick idea of how I relate to things between the sexes.  

I also posted previously The Power of You in which I detailed one of many life changing events but not even the first!  I also mentioned a relationship I had with a guy who I call mistake # 2 or for this purpose lets call him Marvelous.  Marvelous was a bad boy with a bad body when we were young and he drifted into and out of our group on the south side of Charlotte at the time.     There was something about him I couldn't get out of my mind and the connection we had was beyond my understanding.  But the time was never right, then I married my ex, Marvelous disappeared, then reappeared just as the implosion of my marriage was at the blast off point.  I knew he was a bad boy so make no mistake it was my fault I got involved with him and blame no one but me.  The few minutes we got to spend alone in his little hole in the wall was very sweet and he loved to play the hero.  It took a few months to get out of the house with my ex and he was around during and after but things began to go downhill before he got caught in a whopper of a lie when confronted way back in the day, when I was about 19.  The lie was... "That wasn't me that rode by your exes dad's house screaming at the top of my lungs."  Really? Considering all that happened that night it was safe to say he was completely full of it because everyone saw him!  I left him right then and there but he wasn't going to let me go that easily.  He did of course start dating another girl immediately after but still continued to call me and plead his case.  

At one point Marvelous was even trying to start a fight between his new girl and me when she stole some stuff that belonged to me that was at his parents.  Marvelous was not a smart man because he wound up in jail about that time but asked me to come and see him before he was shipped out of state.  So I made the trip uptown to the intake center and was confronted with his new girl... who had a lot to say on the phone but when I was in person... suddenly didn't have so much to say!  He gave some bs reason why he was in jail but he was gone for 9 years.  I certainly hoped he didn't think I was going to wait on him because I wasn't.  In fact I was so disgusted with him and his constant lies about everything that I slept with his brother knowing word would get back to him and maybe he'd think I was such a bitch he would leave me alone. In my infinite wisdom at that age I thought I would send him a letter in prison telling him I am moving on with my life and even included a glamour shots picture of me showing how good I looked to boot.  No such luck! I know mom and dad got collect calls every now and then because that was the only number he had.  He wrote a lot to me when he was in prison but mom thew out most of it as soon as it showed up.  After all this though, he was still in my system.

Why?  I don't know.  I will always remember that mental picture of him sleeping on the couch with baby Trey on his bare chest when I got home from work one night and it stuck with me.  That was after I told my ex I wanted a divorce but before I had moved out completely at the time.  My ex had been so mad that he and all the friends took off to the beach and left me with no one but my mother in law to babysit... and that did not work out!!!  It could have been that he tried to take up for me and later whoopin' my exes butt in a the middle of the road one night.  Maybe because we are all looking for our soul mate and when we are young we can overlook many things hoping the other will grow up and care.  All I do know is when he was in prison I thought about him from time to time even though I had moved on but I still felt I had something to say about how things went down so I wrote him a letter in 99.  Dumb huh?  For the longest time afterward I would think so but now I know it was something deeper.  He wrote back that he was getting out in 2 weeks and wanted to see me! Talk about timing!  So I saw him on the first day out and he looked good as always but he seemed more subdued.  I guess prison will do that to ya.  We talked about a lot of stuff and he seemed like he had grown up but having experienced a lot I didn't believe it.  He wanted a relationship even after all that transpired and said he would do anything to get his life back together.  After a bit he showed he was serious and so I stupidly gave him a chance.  He had a lot of energy and I have always been able to see the potential in people even if they will never recognize it for themselves.  Yeah I know... what a dumb move but after all the conditions of release had been met he got a good job and things went pretty smoothly for about 2 years.  Then the problems came out like a marching band at a high school ball game.  

He celebrated being a sliver of a Native American Indian but denied the 50 % Latino with the last name the equivalent of the American Smith.  Even when I met his uncle from Texas who was a very sweet man and actually worked at a bottling plant there. How? Si?  ;)   His dad reminded me more of ZZ Top than anything though.  At 27 I had just started to work at the PI firm and the hours were brutal.  That first year I worked almost 80 hours a week and that left a lot of time for Marvelous to get into trouble and he did every chance he got.  Over the next 5 or 6 years he was busted cheating on me and I found out much later of course about his coke habit which explained why he always has an abundance of energy.  He had started working as a bouncer in a strip bar which I minded some but I am a realist.  It was good money and with his record there weren't many options.  I threw him out when I found the proof and told him... Don't let the door knob hit ya where the good Lord split ya!  Even then his new stripper girlfriend would call me at all hours of the night just to talk junk.  Seems Marvelous had kidney stones and at the time I thought it couldn't happen to a nicer person!  After a month this girl was ready to have him locked up again and then claimed she was pregnant too.  Scared the snot out of him or so I thought so I gave him a pass on the first one because I knew 9 years inside was a long time. (Okay guys... whether you think I am really dumb or not you got to admit I am a pretty open minded person!)  As I said before Marvelous had a hero complex it seems but only if it didn't require too much effort on his part.  His three main focuses were food, fun and ... well you get the picture.  I call them the three F's and of course he thought Everybody Wants You. 

He also loves to karaoke but he could NOT carry a tune in a bucket with a handle and I still can't listen to this tune anymore because of it.  The lesson here is if you don't remember the words to the song AND you can not read as fast as the teleprompter... then maybe karaoke is NOT for you!  He also loved Ozzy and wore me out with it.  In fact one of his friends told him the 80's called and they wanted their life back.  I knew I couldn't sing unless I was alone in the car but he would get up and make a fool of himself in front of anybody.  Just give him a mike.  He wanted to have everything at once without really paying for it and would only use the excuse of seeing his daughter or parents when it suited his cover.  And his other brother really did live in a Little Pink House, so Marvelous sometimes would use him as a cover as well.  We both had spent a lot of time over at his parents house for holiday's and they celebrated traditional redneck style.  I got to know his family all over again and they too were loud in your face, gun totin' kind of peeps.  Just how I liked it!  Since their family got together on the actual holidays unlike ours because of scheduling conflicts, Trey only got to go every other Christmas but it was fun for the kids to get together.  Marvelous made a big show about giving me a ring one year but it was not an engagement ring.  He had asked me repeatedly to marry him, but that just wasn't happening.  I didn't want to marry someone who wanted to be single or a big kid the rest of his life and it didn't look like I was his Some Kind of Wonderful.              

                                                                           Duh huh!

I now suspected he was with several different women and just got better at lying.  After a while I was trapped in this mess I had made and even my friends were looking at me like I had lost what was left of my mind.  Marvelous really was a compulsive liar and a very good one too.  He lied to everyone including his family and friends so I don't feel so alone in that department.  I had a mortgage and a lot going on at the time and then in 06 I totaled my Honda when an uninsured motorist pulled out in front of me.  Long story short is I bought a Blazer from a friend because Marvelous said he could fix my car and when it was done he would drive the Blazer.  During that time I also decided to remodel my bathroom because it was long over due and started the process.  That year was hard on both of us I suspect but I wouldn't have taken on the project if he hadn't adamantly said it was no problem! Humph!  That was also the time when I got a call from my boss telling me a bounty hunter friend of theirs was getting ready to break down the new doors to my house looking for our new roommate that was a friend of Marvelous'.  Marvelous made it to the house in pretty good time since I was stuck in another county working and couldn't do anything about the situation except to talk to the bounty hunter on the phone.  Turns out the roommate skipped on a DUI bail which was completely stupid in my opinion and then ran leaving his few humble belongings at the house.  Marvelous and the bounty hunter clashed, big surprise there right, and he just couldn't understand that it could effect my job!   Just because he was a useful idiot sometimes didn't mean I wanted to be an unemployed bitch because of him.  I ultimately made friends with the bounty hunter because he was nice to me and was just doing his job.  But I lost several things in storage that both boys had there to make room for him and neither one could care about that. 

Marvelous was and is a compulsive liar.  He would lie about the smallest things and the only time he told the truth was when he admitted that he was a compulsive liar.  He couldn't understand why I hated the lies and what the big deal was but I now know that was an act.  He understood perfectly what the problems were but saw no reason to not lie.  It was easier than being real because to be real you have to care.  I now also know that he spent a lot of time shopping for a new relationship and when he'd found a new victim be gone in a flash or when tax season came around and he'd have a few dollars in his pocket.  I think at most I was nothing but a security blanket for him when all else failed.  The sad truth is I really loved this jerk and hoped that one day he would really mean it when he said he loved me.  Marvelous simply couldn't love anyone.  He had no idea what love is or what being a real grown up man was supposed to do and he damn sure wasn't going to be learning any time soon.  His excuse was always prison and he thought it gave him a pass to do anything he pleased.  He still has no idea how much hurt he caused because it was never important to him.       

Well toward the end of 06 things were getting worse because he definitely wasn't strong enough to be my man like he promised all those years ago... I could feel it In the Air Tonight and I was tired of wielding a Sledgehammer to get through to him.  In December, I also suspected he was sleeping with another girl but decided to wait until after Christmas to do anything.  He beat me to it by breaking up and walking out a week or two before Christmas and ruined what would turn out to be my last real full Christmas family holiday with my son before he died.  In 07 Trey was living with his dad but came home before school started and that Christmas was really tense because of the drama with that.  Poor Trey was so disappointed that his dad didn't bother to buy him anything for Christmas that year and our time together then was so stressful because he was just as hurt and mad as I was.  Trey even sent a text to a friend of his (that I still have) about how his father forgot him.  It broke my heart too.  So many things were going on at one time that it was hard to catch my breath let alone make some kind of plan to handle everything.  But my concerns about Marvelous were confirmed when a friend of his came by looking for him the day after he left and when he found out he was gone he told me that Marvelous really hadn't been at his house all night when he said he had.  Now suspecting it is one thing by having conformation was like a match to a fuse.  I knew it was time for him to Go Your Own Way and I was Never Going Back Again.     

I was beyond mad and hurt but I wasn't Holding back The Years and decided that this was going to be the last time I dealt with Marvelous.  Right!  He of course had other plans but I started by humming his stuff out the front door in heaps outside.  Yes I went trailer park on him, or his stiff rather.  The neighbors would walk by or come home and just see stuff flying out the front door in no order and no regard for anything breakable.  I had told him he better get all his stuff out and fast and when he didn't listen, I did it myself. Note to reader, when throwing breakables outside place them in a handy garbage bag first for easier clean up!   Carrie Underwood didn't have nothing on me at that time!  My dad also had called at just the right time, asked to speak with him, and then threatened to blow his head off as I watched the blood drain from his face because he knew my dad well.  It took about 3 days to get all of his stuff out of my house and it was just in time for the 3 days of rain we had :)  He was pissed about his stuff that had been sitting out side now for two weeks and since the hood had moved in... things go missing pretty quick... but it was his problem as far as I was concerned.  He could have taken care of business but was too busy playing.  Now get this... about a month after he left he started blowing up my phone calling all the time for about 2 weeks straight.  I would disconnect the call because I didn't want to hear his voice on the answering machine but he was persistent.  In fact when my great grandmother MawMaw died and we were attending the funeral I had to turn the phone off just to make it through the service.  It was a work phone so changing the number was difficult but after 2 weeks my friend Scott said just see what he wants... so I did.  He asked me to give him a reference so he could rent an apartment.  I said only if you leave me alone.  When the fax came in from the rental office it had his and his new girlfriend's name on it!...I wrote and faxed back " I wouldn't rent them a cardboard box for $1000 a month!...cash!"  

Trey died about a year or so later and my whole world died with him.  At that time every minute I spent wasted with Marvelous seemed incredibly vile because I couldn't go back and change things.  It meant I'd have to go back and start from scratch in the forgiveness process.  But first Marvelous was going to take one last thing from me and that was my right to not see him at Trey's funeral.  In fact he had his dad drive him and when he showed up he was warned to leave the property and still made a big scene.  What a guy!  It was okay the rest of his family was there but he was not invited.  After a few months I wrote Marvelous a letter and mailed it to his folks because I knew they would read it and I told him and them just how low in the human gene pool they were and meant every word of it.  I heard his parents were pissed but so what! What did they expect...a glowing recommendation on what a great guy Marvelous was?  Really?  His father was a loud obnoxious drunk that cheated on his wife too and had no morals to teach his kids so what did they expect?  Only reason his dad liked me in the first place was because I didn't take any of his crap so I don't know why they thought I'd hold back then.  Well it took a lot but I finally got rid of the bond I felt for Marvelous and got rid of him too.  If not, the only thing left is to go Union County redneck on him for which there is no cure, no treatment or no way to save him because I am Gone and he can Kiss This because I ain't Settlin', for any of his drama anymore.

Looking back I feel like I had to resolve some karma and I guess he was just the person to do it with.  I don't think he resolved his but just put it on a tab so he can pick it up at the end.  Marvelous may be a sex and drug addict, has no conscience, no empathy and every emotion is faked to get a response.  I think he was born with one but he either lost it, sold it or staved it to death.  He played on my sympathy and in the end he just didn't care... couldn't care.  Unfortunately there are too many just like him in the world and that's why I wrote this so that maybe a young girl or woman will read it and see some things that could save them a multitude of problems down the road.  You can not rehabilitate anyone without a conscience. Period.  There is nothing to rehabilitate!  Real men are not showy and they probably won't confess their undying love for you from the roof tops.  Real men do not promise, they just do.  They are often quiet and unsure of themselves so we are quick to dismiss them.  In my experience pretty boys are just that... pretty and petty.  Marvelous was mild compared to some of the narcissus out there but could be considered more of a sociopath.  He wasn't violent and he didn't want to take over the world but he did lie, steal and cheat for his own gain.  And those types will do nothing but drain you whether it be your energy or your bank account.  I am lucky because I have seen many women who were not and was thankful for that from the bottom of my heart... until Trey died.   Marvelous however was a very lucky man because I didn't buy a gun.  He knew I might use it!   

                                           Not sure who this applies to more... me or him?

This is one of the few pictures that remain of Marvelous because I tore up every single other one I could find after the last time except for one other with his daughter that was from way back.  I found this photo between a book and that is the only reason it survived and the few others were found much later when moving.    

Update! This idiot emailed me in May of 2013 and said, "I "steel" love you and miss you."  Then wondered why I wouldn't talk to him.  Hmmm let me think... So I blocked him from sending me any more emails.  After thinking a moment, I started laughing because I could just see some other woman catching him cheating on her then throwing his stuff out and him being homeless.  But really he was probably just hoping the security blanket was still available because he was in another bind somewhere, somehow.  Never again.        

Eric Claptons' Pretending 

Annie Lennox's Why 

Clapton with Phil Collins Bad Love

Cher A song for the lonely

Cher  Believe




8. I made a choice to make a change >>>>>

         

Nothing is as it seems... so choose carefully

This is The End of the Innocents because we live in the Land of Confusion and Everybody Wants to Rule the World.  First let me apologize for bouncing around topics and more importantly for being wrong sometimes.  Yes I have admitted not only to being wrong, but for thinking things that were incorrect.  I had learned a long time ago that your decisions are only as good as the information is correct.  In this world the lies and secrets are crippling normal people to believe and behave in ways we would never do if we had all the facts first.  But I am not afraid to be wrong because I know it is a learning process and that sometimes you have to do wrong to know right when you see it.  It is that very reason I don't understand people who think they are right about everything...always.  Those folks deny any information that contradicts their beliefs no matter how much "proof" you have.  Being wrong about things doesn't bother me in the regard that I am human and I am here to learn and to learn sometimes you will be wrong.  But because I can admit to being wrong when new information is presented I have a chance of learning what is right.  I also understand that no matter how much we learn we are only scraping the surface of what there is to learn.  And finally that understanding led to me believe that we are here to learn and more importantly all there is...lessons. 

Are you still with me?  Do you understand what I am trying to get across?  If not then...I am sorry this piece isn't for you.  Even if you only have a vague understanding about what I said then you are on your way through the knowledge tree.  We have been lied to many times about many things but the ultimate goal is and always will be CONTROL.  Personally I have had it up to my eyeballs with control and will continue to speak out about it and break free from it as it is imposed to the very best of my ability.  I will not always win but the control will never break my will and I Won't Back Down.  The desire I have to be truly and completely free has been fueled over many years and met with obstacle after obstacle.  It is truly a never ending cycle we are on and our choice is to remain a slave to the oppressors or do what ever it takes to break free.  And to be able to break free you must understand that freedom in it's present form IS NOT FREEDOM, but only an illusion.  I have always understood this to a small degree but now I am beginning to see just how far reaching that illusion is.  Is it scary? Absolutely but the real definition of bring brave is facing the things you fear most and dealing with them anyway.  If you do it often enough you can build up the courage to face even the most devastating events that will be thrown your way.

There is so much information to sift through when you are searching for the truth in any form.  Everyone has an opinion and with the web they are willing to share it...example being this piece your are reading at the very moment. :)  The biggest difference is I am not claiming to know everything or have all the answers...in fact just by writing this blog I am trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together in my own mind, but hoping to spark someones own personal journey to find out more about why we are here on earth and just what really is our purpose on life.  And here is what I like to refer to as some handy little info:  Incorrect information also known as disinformation abounds in every important subject.  It seems that the bigger the lie the more "proof" is required and all too often fabricated on a very tiny bit of truth. In fact only portions of the truth are only made available if it serves the oppressors agenda.  I have often looked deeper than the surface of this dark world in which we live and have been grateful to find varied nuggets of truth.  I also realized that not one place or person has all the knowledge or answers because if they did then the world would reflect that. IE: religion, education establishments, governments but instead seemed to be designed to destroy humanity on every possible level using every means available to them.  Things that appear beautiful are too often decayed on the inside and the closer you are to them the harder it is to see.  Things that appear to be ugly are sometimes the purest inside and the closer to them you are the easier it is to see.

In my life at least people come and people go.  The reasons vary from choice to death but it is the one fact that seems to remain constant. I have said before I have had friends from many walks of life but I have been acquainted with many others through work which I wouldn't have met otherwise.  I know why my life is difficult probably now more than ever.  What I learned is when you stop lying to yourself about who you think you are and where you think you are going...you start to see reality for what it is.  Things become more focused on what is real verses what is fake and with practice it gets a little bit easier each time.  And when I say easier I mean the process not the content so much.  In fact looking at the world and the dark side of this planet is required because half the information that is vital is hidden in there.  I have come as close to the dark side as I care to and understand fully the power is has to suck people into the black hole.  It is with this knowledge I can say the more material things you have...the more you have to take care of, secure, insure, protect and still lose.  Conversely the less you own in this world means the less you have to lose which is one important step to freedom.  When you start to look for the truth in earnest people will question why you are doing it and you may lose family or friends you've known your whole life.  Most people are focused on fear being used as a mechanism of control but it easy to overlook love being used in the very same way.  Which brings me back to the point most of the most beautiful things can be perverted into the worst nightmares.  

The best answer I have ever been able to come up with about why evil truly persist is...to make the good better.  The battles are waged in our hearts and depending on the out come it manifests in our reality.  The longer people ignore their own dark half in hopes of it just going away, the longer the dark half roams unchecked as evidenced in the world today.  It is not easy to accept our own responsibility for our life we are living in today but if we ever hope to obtain any since of freedom it is a choice we must make.  Having free will means we have the choice to live for good or evil.  Some people have chosen evil, some have chosen good and still others refuse to chose remaining in the land of denial for that is a choice too.  Evil hides in plain sight and all too often looks or feels good.  It can trick you anyway it wants to get you to give up your free will for its own use and could care less what or who your are. At the end of the day if you support evil even if unknowingly, you are still supporting evil.  I am trying my very best to stop giving it ammunition and it is a daily struggle because if you are keeping up with the news on the web, then you know things are getting hairy indeed.  Empires are falling in on themselves because that's what they have been doing for centuries and the future is not certain by any means.  To all the others out there seeking the truth...thank you for trying and please keep doing what you are doing.  


One site in particular that I have found really interesting is listed below. and is run by Laura Knight Jadczyk and her husband Arkadiusc.  This site was so compelling that I found myself writing to the author about some of the things I have observed in my life.  And to my surprise she responded back very quickly and graciously too.  She is a very well read lady and I always admire people who are pushing the boundaries!

http://cassiopaea.org/   

http://hiddenmurder.blogspot.com/                 

   

Where do we go from here?

If anyone from my Facebook friends happens to read this then they might think I've lost what is left of my mind...and that okay.  Not the first or the last time I've heard that!  Anyone that goes against the norm usually is labeled as crazy, dumb or worse.  I am used to it and I want to thank everyone who ever said those words to me.  I don't feel like I am doing anything right unless I hear those words :)   And greed is ruining almost everything that is good, decent or fun from food to education to our health to government and even to our religions.  While I've known this for a long time and I am sure most of you do too, at least deep in your heart, but most don't want to think about it much less hear about it.  Now I know that it is hard to hear the truth about our society and many want to believe that it's not as bad as it looks because if you did then it would mean you have to DO something.   But if you have been seeing the conspiracy theories I have been posting... please understand I am on a search and don't necessary believe everything about what I post.  It is really interesting what others think and are willing to say it to the public.  I give them props because I understand just how difficult it is to go against the grain.  
I am the first one to admit I don't have all the answers or even some but I do realize that the present system isn't working.  How can I tell? Just walk out the door of your average home and take a good look around.  Start from your neighborhood and continue on to the city.  If you have a job pay attention to the hierarchy of your company and especially to the top people.  After you stop watching the news as it is real and start watching it as entertainment for the wealthy then you can start to see the pyramid that we are living on.  We are making a few others rich while we struggle everyday to keep up.  And we are lucky because many on this earth are starving, homeless, dying and other wise marginalized.  At the very least we don't have bombs blowing up our schools and hospitals...yet! Cities in America are crumbling remnants of what is left of the old society.  And while I have heard many of the promises of the politicians I have yet to see a better world. Only one that is slowly getting worse for the average person.  As a PI for 10 years I watched the rich in our city throw away their families without a thought over and over again.  I have also seen just how much they do not obey the laws that us average citizen would be buried under the jail if we were caught.  These are some of the same people who influence law in the first place. 

Interesting enough I had issues with the way my boss ran the PI company because they used the McDonald's philosophy of hiring.  They hired them young, pushed them hard to burnout in short order and then disposed of them... The few that remained were left to clean up the mess and do all the work that new people can't do. The bosses right hand man was a yes man that held all the important information close the vest and had the ability to play us against each other.  Now I understand that he was between a rock and hard place BUT why make it worse for us all?  Having a spine and speaking the truth was apparently too much to ask for because he like many others are simply looking out for their own. I inherited the "Senior Investigator and pain in the ass position" because the last one simply had enough and left.  So by default I was it.  Yeah me... NOT! 

After being fed up with the yes man, I spent weeks writing a four page page letter detailing the problems with as much information I could obtain and gave it to the boss.  The closet idealist was trying to gain a level playing field for the rest of us.  Their response was... the letter had good flow.  I told them I wasn't looking for a good grade from the teacher, I was looking to open their eyes to the persistent problems that needed addressing.  No such luck.  That incident speaks volumes about how much the elite care for the people they use to support them.  They don't care what it takes to get the job done.  And I had it good at my firm because I have heard many stories about the business and bosses.  I am sad to say I still remained at that company because it was one of the top two firms in my city and the only other option was open my own business.  I had no desire to take on that kind of responsibility but had not decided where to go from there.  My heart was not in this job anymore and you could tell just as plain as day.

Personally my choices were limited because of a lack of a degree and that meant starting over doing something else.  I stayed at the company 3 years too long and should have changed after 5 years.  Just call me jack of all trades and master of none.  I didn't want a big life style.  I did how ever want to be able to pay the bills with a little left over for savings and in this world, it gets harder and harder everyday.  I wanted to have a decent place to live, spent roughly $25K  on my teeth between mom and me over the years, cars to drive and of course Trey.    I have worked hard all my life to the point of exhaustion at times and never felt like I was going any where except deeper in the hole.  I was wore out literally and I know that I hated feeling trapped more than anything else. I had refinanced the house after completing the bathroom so I could clear all the debt into 1 manageable payment.  My credit was great and I was hoping the remodel would be a draw to the house and over come the location because it was way past time to get out of the city.  I wanted a simpler life and life said... good luck on that one!

So whatever you do or wherever you go always remember that the time we spend trying to run the rat race is time away from the most important things in life.  Please don't make the same mistakes I made and wake up to what is really happening in this world.  Don't take my word for it or even someone else word... go and find out for yourself.  The more I read the more I understand that it is going to take each and everyone of us working together to take our world back from the insanely evil soul sucking system that is currently running things.