For some it may be hard to imagine life remaining single in a world where we feel desperate to find a mate but it happens more often these days. I know I have tried to have several relationships over the years that didn't work out for one reason or another and yes I realize the common denominator was me. It was funny though to watch how fast a guy could get away when the inevitable question of what do you do for a living came up. It seems women have learned how to be an investigator when it comes to their man's activities and men sure don't want to date a professional PI. The few that didn't run where the ones I wish that had.
While it didn't start out that way, I do have a deep appreciation of marriage... even if I don't respect those who are in the marriage. When I married Trey's dad I did so because I wanted him to have a link back to his dad and their side of the family. Now I was 7 months pregnant when we were married and after I had Trey, it seemed like I returned to my senses. I tried one last time to get Trey's dad to understand it was time to grow up and when that didn't happen I told him I was done. Period. Once I make the decision there is no going back but it took a while for him to realize this. Because I started dating Marvelous right after it really made a bad situation worse. Sure I could have handled it better but I was tired of handling everything alone so I did the next best thing... at least in my mind. Also I would never knowingly date a married man or one that was involved with another women. It's not only plain wrong but it is a serious waste of time, energy and often times the best part of you. As for Marvelous, I tried to understand him but after 16 off and on years I gave up and it took many times to make him understand I am done. And then there was of course Willie who seemed like he had the most promise and that still fell flatter than a 2 day old open can of cola.
Any relationships are complicated in the world today but dating and looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with can test even the most romantic of people. And the games that are played with each other are just a fact of life. I had one tell me one time...Don't hate the player... hate the game. I looked right at him and said the game wasn't being played here until YOU showed up so I will hate the player if you don't mind. If you don't want to be in a serious relationship then don't. Why get married or have a long term relationship and have others on the side? It seems so simple in theory but in practice it is apparently a difficult concept for some people to get. My dear friend told me once he was looking for a wife that liked to cook, clean and take care of the house. I laughed and said sorry dude they don't make those models any more. He asked why not? I said because too many of your predecessors returned them to exchange them for younger models that were freaks in the bed. The original models are now being discontinued and are obsolete. And I must be honest when I was 20 a guy standing in his underwear was sexy where as now a guy doing his own underwear in the laundry is sexy so I am not sure how those two ends would ever meet.
I stopped pretending to care a long time ago about trivial things and looked for someone out there who was able to do the same... with no luck. There were so many things of importance to talk about or discover and I wanted someone who was up to the challenge of being a partner in every sense of the word. If you have read any of the previous post you know some of how I feel about the world but it is very hard to find intellectual stimulation in a sea of shallowness where instant gratification is king. I am not saying they aren't out there... I am saying that the chances of me meeting a person like that were slim to none. I have a gift of attracting some of the weirdest men on earth (at least in these parts) and knew my type was tall, dark and full of it. So I gave up on my type because they were not conducive for anything stable.
As you read through the stories of my life if you are interested that is you will see that I have worked at several bars over the years and hung out in many more playing pool with the guys to clubbing with the girls. I am much better with the former than the latter though because of my awkwardness but when I was younger I would push myself to try new experiences. That did not always include dealings with the opposite sex though because after Trey was born I knew I had to be careful of what and who was around him. Working in bars really gives you an insight into peoples personalities without having to take it all home with you at night. Bars are drama magnets for the walking wounded and made doing the actual job seem like a cake walk compared to dealing with people. And this business of swapping partners every so often baffled me because the swaps were almost equal to what they traded for. If you are looking for people with maturing capabilities at a bar, then you are in the wrong place indeed. I am not saying they didn't come in there, I am saying they usually didn't stay.
I have met people from all over the place doing many things other than going to bars however but no one who really took the time to know me. I had wasted enough time with guys like that and decided that I'd stick to that plan. I have known for a long while that I am a difficult person for some and for others down right impossible. I will not apologize because I grew and keep growing as a human, even if I still do fall down from time to time. Later another disturbing thing I
noticed is that when I wasn't interested in anything serious from a guy
then they would ultimately pursue me even more intently. I'm not hot, playing hard to get or interested. Period. Some reminded
me of lost little puppies and others full on psychos. It seems you
can't win for losing sometimes in the dating game. It really became
boring and a chore. It was sad to go to the local bar around here for
the older folks and watch just how desperate some of the men or women
were just to hook up for the night hoping it would maybe turn into something
serious. While working a few hours at that same bar to help out my
neighbor and bartender I got to know a lot of them personally. I also
like to dance a little especially if I had a few drinks and just have a
little fun. In a meat market type setting it is harder than you may
think to do that.
To tell how rusty I was in the market one night a group of ladies I knew from another country bar came in and we had a wonderful time catching up. The 4 of us got up and danced a few songs over the night and toward the end of the night there was another girl who was a regular that came up and started to dance with us. No big deal or so I thought. She did come a little close to me a few times and had a few drinks too but I wasn't paying that much attention. The song ended, we all went back to the table and later I was talking to one of the bouncers and they let me know that the last girl was interested in me?!? I had no clue because it wasn't that overt and I am not the type to pick up on the subtleties of attraction... from either sex apparently. In fact for me to even know you are interested you would have to come right out and say it one way or another. Yes sometimes I can be that dense but I like clarity and if you aren't clear I ain't paying attention.
It took a while but I finally came to a point where I like who I am and prefer to just be by myself. Things are simpler and to be completely honest I just don't have anything left to give another person in a relationship. It takes two to make one work and one sided relationships never work out. It's not just about having independence to do what I want, when but it is about much needed peace in my life that I have worked hard to get this far. I spent years doing many things for people that didn't care about returning the favor. Now I spend a lot of time reading and writing and those are two things that can easily be accomplished alone. I don't get cold in the winter because I have an electric blanket and two dogs to keep me warm and in good company. In fact I wondered why I didn't get a dog sooner. They are always happy to see me when I come home and that is the best feeling I could ever ask for. My roommate is a guy and we have a pretty good relationship so it is like having the best of both worlds, for both of us right now in our life. I might meet Mr. Right one day... probably at the nursing home in line at the cafeteria right after I win the lottery, solve world hunger then world peace but until then I will remain comfortable single.
1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these
links to read in order (some chapters have
songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
We all have done some of these things at one time or another to one degree or another. If you are looking for a signed dated confession of all my sins then I am sorry to inform you... it ain't happening because I do not want to be featured on World Dumbest Criminals. ;) Even if the statues of limitations have long run out, I am old enough to know better and to be honest I have experienced karma in person and have paid high prices. I can only hope to have repaid it all and try my hardest not to incur any more but life has a way of handling it's own. I do remember being young and observing the adults tell white lies to other adults. Some I could tell up front that they were lies and others didn't reveal themselves until later. I am talking small lies designed to spare another persons feelings such as... I like that outfit you are wearing to... no I can't go fishing, I have to work. When heard by themselves they are harmless I guess but if lies along these lines are heard regularly to any young person... they notice. And kids pick up from their parents more than they think possible sometimes.
Now having said all that I need to make a few things clear. Although I'm sure my parents did the best they could with what they had to work with, I still had a weird childhood. Mom was more than strict and the running joke for years was that she would give ANY Master Drill Sargent a run for their money. I know as a small child she scared the hell out of me and much later I found out that my child hood friends felt the same about her. ;) If you talk to mom today she is right proud of that too! I also had a third grade teacher from hell and I spent more time in the back room getting paddled because I got to the point of not even bothering to listen to her because she was mean just for the sport of it! Well as I got older I found that lying was easier when it came to avoiding punishment and was bad to lie just to get out of the house. This one night I snuck out to meet my childhood friend Trixie from across the street so we could go walking at 12 or 1am and I got caught coming back in through the window by dad and he had a cow! I think I was grounded from age 12 - 16 and back then there was nothing but the 4 walls and a book if I was lucky. Occasionally I would even steal things from the store and got caught a few times. I had rationalized it in my head as stores were not people, so it was okay to take what you need since they had way more money than I did. But stealing is stealing no matter the rational.
The neighbors to my parents back then were also known to be a fence and it was pretty easy to spot the activity over the years. My dad was in the military with their son who later died but I didn't find out for a long time that they knew my dad way before he was my dad. Of course there was a lot that my dad never told me about his family and the information has been sparse over the years. Well the neighbors had their granddaughter living with them who was about 3 years younger than me and while she has grown into a lovely women, she was a pure brat growing up. She would follow us around and if we ditched her, she would steal our stuff! I spent many times arguing with her pops and wasn't afraid to tell him to kiss my ass even at 11. They would call my mom all the time and finally mom just told them... she didn't want to hear about it any more. That was huge as far as I was concerned because that was out of character for her. My other childhood friend and I had to deal with bullies because our last names were odd but over time I had learned to fight back. So when my bratty neighbor made it to the age of riding the bus I did do my best to protect her from the worst of them but if it was just the normal teasing I would let it go... well she was still a brat! She ended up with the same third grade teacher but she had it even worse than I did.
I also lied to people at school because I didn't like who I was and wanted desperately to be someone else. It's hard to be cool when your mom shows up at school to pick you up in the green bat mobile... and you're not even there!. I skipped so much school that most of the people I went to high school with don't even remember me... but they remember her! Sometimes when we were skipping we would walk away from a lunch tab or steal a few items from the mall. Well this one summer I think I was 13 or so and knew mom took a bath like clock work everyday. I was so bored that day I got the nerve to swipe moms car keys and take it for a spin around the block. I got back home in time and replaced the keys... no problem... everything was great. I did it again on the second day with no problems but then the third day was a disaster. I had gotten a little bolder and driven further down the road when I passed this car with a woman wearing big sunglasses, who had her head wrapped up and was beeping the horn. I passed her by and just thought humph... crazy old lady driver and headed back toward the house. Before getting close to home I passed this same crazy woman again still beeping the horn and looking pretty mad because she was talking and motioning with her hands. I thought I better get out of there and turned on a gravel road but she turned around and made the same turn too. That's when I saw the cigarette in her hand and KNEW who it was. See mom smoked those Eve 120's which were those really long and skinny cigarettes and she had one of those in her hand as she made that turn... and I knew I was busted beyond all get out at that point. She had borrowed the neighbors car when she went to check on the pot roast in the oven and looked out to see her car was gone. Damn pot roast!
Later after I moved out and at times living on the street I stole for food and gas. I am not proud of that but I understand surviving is often not pretty or even moral sometimes. And later again after I started to get on my feet I still continued to steal a few things because I was stupid. Now there were a lot of factors at the time and one was the crowd I was in. I am not blaming them at all for my actions but just want you to know that I was susceptible to group think at that time. In most people lives there comes a time when you realize that you suck as a person and that came for me after having Trey. Breaking away from my then husband and friends was the only way I could start to do that. I was having a really tough time with the hypocrisy of certain individuals and had to step back to see it in myself. I was tired of lying to myself about many things and the changes inside were coming out making it harder for them to understand me. I hate double standards and have really tried to keep mine in check. But it took a few more years to sort out why I did the things I did and decided I was going to stop lying to people about any and everything. Up until that point in life people vaguely listened to me or at least I thought they did. When I was lying about who I really was inside people listened but when I started to tell them the truth it was almost like I was speaking a foreign language. The truth was I have a conscience and it had been eating at me for a while. As I wrote in Marvelous Mistakes and other previous post you can probably surmise the karmatic debt that I must have felt needed to be repaid. I also want to say I am sorry to anyone that I have ever hurt in any capacity and humbly ask for your forgiveness.
The one thing I have tried hard to not do is lie to myself or my son about things especially if they are of great importance. I am usually hypercritical of myself and I am just as much a smart ass in my head to myself, as I am out loud. While I have stated the bad things I am responsible for I never intended to hurt anyone because I know how it feels. But I am human and sometimes don't see what is right in my face until it either blows up in my face or someone brings it to my attention... and believe me there has been no shortage of those. Despite all of my experiences I knew I wanted to make something of this life I had and so when I did take a Walk on the Wild Side with the Lunatic Fringe, I tried to stay near the edge. The risks I took were more to learn or get a leg up. Both of those still comes with a high price sometimes even if you can't see them right that moment. And yes lying by omission is still lying. I am talking about that one critical detail that fills in the rest of the picture when you are talking to another. I have since termed those handy bit's of information simply because they would have been handy to actually have when it was needed and not after the opportunity has passed. I've been guilty of that on occasion because I didn't want to give someone more ammunition to use against me but for the most part I am a pretty open person. To me having freedom meant not having to lie about what I thought was important, who I was and where I wanted to go. At least that's what I thought but again I would find out how wrong I was.
Lying is woven into the fabric of our lives and the more we give it a voice the more it will consume us. I know in relation to what is going on in the world today my sins may not seem so big in the face of the wall street bankers or even the wars in the middle east but each and every one contributed to chaos of the world in it's own way. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and the circle is reflected right back to the starting point. We start off lying to our kids about things like Santa and the Easter bunny, then on to fairy tales or hero flicks. We tell our kids they will be fine and find out all to late how wrong we can be. And if you turn on the TV then you have opened up a whole new world of lies and even though you tell your kids that most of it is make believe... it still looks so real and believable that kids stop believing what YOU say.
Everyone seems to be worried about what others will say about them and that causes them to put on a front when talking to them. When people ask how are you? Most of my experiences has taught me that they are looking for a one word answer such as fine, so that they can continue on with their busy day without having to actually care. Every things fine... no need to worry about anything. I was guilty of doing the same thing when I ran into a girl I went to high school with while I was trying to serve a paper somewhere several years ago. How do you sum up a life time of events in a few brief words without sounding like you have made the whole thing up? In my life it changes from moment to moment sometimes and what may be true one day is totally over and done with the next. The lies we also tell our love interests are designed to put forth the best face but after a few months or so when the facade falls and we met the real them (vs/vs) for the first time, we or they seem shocked! Why is that? Why is it so hard to understand lying is universal and it has been passed down from generations. In fact our whole world seems to be built on lies and half truths and it has turned each and every one of us against each other. Some people have very complex belief systems based on pure lies and yet to take the time to look for the truth whether it be inside or outside is beyond them.
Lies are easy to believe because they sound so good or seem to solve many problems but that is only for the moment. Because so many have taken the easy way of doing things we have built this society to reward cheaters and thieves and yet punish people who try and reveal any truth. The world outside has gotten so ugly now that it is hard for even the most naive person not to see how the pervasiveness of psychopathic tendencies have invaded our thought process and our empathy toward one another. We must learn to recognize who the true psychopaths are and segregate them from our world because our survival depends on it. What blows my mind the most, is that we as humans don't seem to learn much from our life or history itself and keep on repeating the same things over and over again which is the very definition of insanity. While I made bad choices I did take a step back and took a hard look at me and discovered most of the lies I lived with ultimately hurt me and some of who I cared about... no matter who uttered them. Becoming a PI was my way of trying to find out just what was the truth but in the end it taught me little about how to avoid being lied to. That, I found out on my own and the secret is... stop asking liars questions. Stop relying on answers from others and start searching for them yourself. If enough people can change their intent to one of compassion and understanding while still using their brains only then can we start rebuilding this world to be a better place one person at a time. It's In The Way That You Use It that counts the most!
5. Power of You >>>>>
http://www.ted.com/talks/pamela_meyer_how_to_spot_a_liar.html
http://www.sott.net/articles/show/236940-Harsh-discipline-fosters-dishonesty-in-young-children
Gradual withdrawal means just that and I am doing it! I have wrote about unplugging from the main stream media and fake television. I also have advised doing some of your own research maybe on any alternative websites. Check out different ones so you can get an overview of what different perspectives there are. I know research takes time and if you are busy it's tough to take time out of the busy life but I really feel like you should. Even if only for a few minutes a day. If you have time delve into the material properly then I hope you remember this important fact...each of us must DO something. There are times in life when we look back and wish we would have done something different and this should NOT be one of them. It is too important and I am not an activist...or at least I wasn't. But our future is at stake and we can either argue about it or change the way we rely on the system because the system wasn't designed to benefit us but keep us in slavery. Sounds far fetched to many but for others they are finding out the hard way, everyday.
No matter what I have been through in this life, I am still very lucky indeed because even though I don't own anything, I still have all I need. I had planned on simplifying my life for a long while but after losing Trey it was easier in many ways but terribly hard in others. We were forced to confront the many first without Trey in a very short period of time. His senior pictures came right after and then the prom and then graduation. After that mom and dad split and I had to go through Trey's room and gave away everything I could because I wanted his friends to have a small piece of him. I was thankful to my ex brother in law because he helped me out by buying the living room furniture that held a special place in my heart because of Trey and the few extra dollars helped so much at the time. The rest went to Good Will with 90% of my stuff so I hoped it help some in need... but they are a corporation at the end of the day so who knows. The next thing I did was stop solving problems for people who do nothing other than to create them. I know that sounds harsh but it is a waste of time and energy. For the last couple of years I have been grieving and taking a hard look at my life. I am responsible for my actions and my intentions so I will not place blame on anyone else. And still I am lucky because I had the chance to read a lot and still have some of my critical thinking skills although they are far from what they used to be. I am also lucky that my roommate likes to garden and grow fresh veggies so we will be trying to get much better at is because food prices are high.
While my heart is with the protesters that are braving the elements, I can't help but think how hard it is going to be for them to stick it out through winter. But they need to vent and voice their concerns and maybe by talking with each other, they can began to see the whole problem. The system can control only if you give it the power to do so. It is a great start to see the mass exodus of the big banks and turning to local credit unions. In the city there isn't a lot of mom and pop business. They have been gone for many years but now is the time for all the working class to work together for each other instead of profit. I have started to read about several alternative markets cropping up and even though some in the system will try to squash this time old way... I don't think they can arrest us all. Well if the builders stop building the prisons that is. There is a whole lot of work ahead and none of it is going to be easy. The choice I see is between doing only for yourself or doing for others and that is a whole different frame of mind for some. If you come from a small town then most of this probably will be second nature. So far I have scrounged up a few dollars and donated to the protesters and hope to send more soon. I personally wouldn't waste a dime on any political party and would do serious research for any charity donation to make sure that it goes where you want it. Some times it is just better to find a more direct approach of helping others.
I wrote earlier about me helping my friend run his small business from behind the scenes and for now we are okay but I know that things may turn for the worse. I have learned that we only have so much time to finish changing our life voluntarily or it will be changed for us. Well my friend has RA and now after doing much reading on that I have found we have to change our diets so he doesn't have to live with constant pain or pills. Turns out wheat, dairy and sugar are the worst things you can eat and living on them like we have has a high price. Most of the processed food has GMO ingredients and now more than ever it is important to cook at home. Happy home maker I am not but it sure looks like I need to get ready to relearn how to cook old school like your grandmother or great grandmother cooked straight from the garden in the summer time or the freezer in the wintertime. My granddad used to raise cattle and it was grass fed and humanely done in application. Both my grandparents worked many years in the cotton mills and that work is both hard and long. But life was simpler then in terms of necessity and operation. Most of our younger generation doesn't really know how hard backbreaking work it was but they may be finding out sooner rather than later. I know Trey would have been shocked! ;) You know I spent most of my life trying to get out of the country and as it turns out it may be the best place to be. I still have a ways to go but at least I am in the right direction.
http://www.sott.net/articles/show/237196-Lectins-Their-Damaging-Role-in-Intestinal-Health-Rheumatoid-Arthritis-and-Weight-Loss
http://www.sott.net/articles/show/237148-Doctor-Says-Whole-Wheat-Packs-on-Belly-Fat-And-Has-a-Lot-in-Common-with-Opiate-Drugs
http://www.activistpost.com/2011/07/alternative-markets-barter-systems-and.html
1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these
links to read in order (some chapters have
songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
As pet peeves go this is one that used to bug me to no end. I say used to because I used to care and now not so much. I have learned not to let what others think deter me from using my own common sense but when I was younger I tried to reason with people. The idealist in me was not so in the closet and I gave it my all with some people, trying to figure out why they endorsed such narrow views that allowed them to have something while denying the same thing to others... for any reason. I have always understood rules if only in the most basic concept, but what I was not going to do... was be the only one following them. I can also say that I have never wanted to be an example of what to do or not to do because my path was chosen for a reason as was yours. But I asked a lot of questions when I was young about... why things are the way they are.
My parents answers to many of these questions was always "Because I said SO!". Which was highly unsatisfactory in its opposition to any more conversation. The first double standard I remember noticing was boys had more freedom and therefor more fun than girls. I would watch the cousins in the family at family reunions and the guys had entirely more fun than the girls. I was a tom boy so I liked playing with the guys better. Even the cousin that had fun in a foot race by having two of his friends hold a hose just as I passed, that caused me to take a flying leap... into the grass and mud. My poor mother spent more time scrubbing my clothes and fussing about how I'd hit every puddle, mud hole and grass patch between here and the moon. I noticed at school that the the guys got away with a lot more than the girls and it wasn't because they were smoother about it...if fact most of the time they would do their stuff right out in front of anybody. And the adults would say "Well boys will be boys!" Hummph.
As I got older I observed the division of labor between adult couples that I knew and it was mostly the women working a full time job, raising the kids and still responsible for the never ending chores around the house. Men mowed the lawn every two weeks or so and maybe washed the car from time to time. I do know that the roles can and are reversed in some situations, especially in this day and age, but I mostly saw the women work longer and sometimes harder for often less money from the job than their male counterparts. I didn't like that and tried to find partners that wanted to be partners and not just some bump on a log but as many people out there know that is almost impossible in certain places and times. How many out there have known at least one person that thought their mere presence should be enough to solve every problem you have!?! But the double standards kept stacking up and not just between the genders. At work I'd often see the people who did the least and talked the most being promoted even if it was just to get them out of the department they were in and the people that actually worked their butt off were the first ones to go.
In fact the last night I worked at the bank mail room my shift at the time was something like 6pm to 2am and shortly after I got to work that evening my assistant manager called me into the office for... something... some small infraction that I can't remember now, but the tone he held was that of the All Mighty and ordered me to sit down. I refused and he ordered me again even louder this time. I refused again and stated I can hear just fine while standing up so could he please get to the point. There were only 3 of us that held on to those hours and he said that wasn't going to happen any more and if I wanted to keep my job then I would have to accept the 8:30pm to 6am shift. He was so rude and those hours would not work with a young child so I told him to shove it! Months later I went to a local fast food place and there he was taking orders. LOL... I left because I wasn't going to let him serve me food and then found out later he was fired for stealing money from customers by cashing checks from closed accounts and that was why he wanted us to change hours... so he could have more time to steal from the company. Now I realized he got fired, but it was only because he was so blatantly caught red handed and that doesn't happen with the really gifted ones.
Why is it then when women get older they are often thought of as just old but some men are considered distinguished? Why must men who sleep around want to do it with women who don't and vs/vs? Why are men surprised when they marry a trophy wife, that they turn into a gold digger when the marriage is over? Why are women (myself included) forever dating bad boys with the unreachable hopes of saving them? And what about societies views of celibacy while they use sex to sell everything from cars to candy? And while we are still on the subject of sex... why is it so many anti abortionist are the first ones to abandon the needy children already here then continue to be pro death penalty? I even had a dead beat dad tell me he was against abortion. Go figure. No matter your views on the subject, I still think that each and every case should be weighed separately by the parties involved and the decisions should be left up to them and them alone. It is not right to blanket everyone with your own personal views because everyone is not dealing with what you are dealing with. Apparently it is easier to tell other people what to do than actually doing anything constructive with their own lives... like educating themselves about the differences in people. Also why is alcohol legal when it is responsible for more deaths annually than many hard drugs combined while marijuana, a plant grown naturally with so many different uses is not only considered illegal but down right treasonous at this point in time? I guess we'll just have to ask big pharma that question, because they ought to know. And never mind the fact the no one has ever died from using it OR that is may actually help with some health problems.
And these few examples are just the tip of the iceberg as many of you know. Now it seems as if our whole world has become a double standard so nothing is as it seems. Lying, stealing and cheating are rewarded handsomely and working hard, trying to do the right things and follow the rules get us hammered with penalties, fees and stiff jail time for small infractions. Farmers are paid not to farm here but there are starving families in many countries. The society demands that we be educated but refuses to teach us anything of value... at least in schools and charges us an arm and a leg to do it to. Religion tells us to be tolerant of others and then is responsible for more deaths due to intolerance than any other form on earth. It's old news that advertising and consumerism is not only expected but demanded even if you don't have anything left to give. While on the other side of the world the poverty and starvation are so pervasive that many are dying by the thousands. Those who have the most to give, give the least and those who have the least often end up giving the most. To say that the double standards have sunk to a new low should be no surprise if you were paying attention and cared about it in the first place. I cared and was met with a resounding silence so often that I stopped trying but now I am starting to care again. It gives me hope to see so many other people who have braved the indifferent, uncaring world in whatever way possible... without subscribing to the bottom line of double standards.
17. Lazy? No Exhausted >>>>>
http://www.sott.net/articles/show/238402-Moms-Multitask-More-Than-Dads-Enjoy-it-Less
http://www.activistpost.com/2011/12/true-equality-is-end-of-double.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ActivistPost+%28Activist+Post%29&utm_content=FaceBook
1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these
links to read in order (some chapters have
songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
Given the things I have
experienced and lived through often makes me wonder why I am still here
but Trey isn't. By all intensive purposes I should not be here but have
escaped death several times. Trey was looking for some freedom that
day and it is something I can whole heartedly relate to. I do
understand it was his time and that is just the way it is, but what I
don't know is what is my purpose...now that he is gone? What am I
supposed to do with what is left of my life? I probably saw more
between the ages of 16 and 19 about the differences in life than most of
the kids I grew up with but I also saw how Trey and his friends were doing things and they were no stranger to the wild side. Some of them partied even harder than we did at that age and taking chances was like a second nature to them. I was sometimes horrified but I did understand that I survived and hoped I could help him avoid the major pitfalls and looks like I failed miserably.
I'll never forget my child hood best friend Trixie teaching me to ride a bike and later how to drive her stick shift Toyota, well before I had a license. And the love/hate relationship I have with driving started there. Although I do write a lot about the cars I drive, it is not because I overly valued the vehicles themselves but this is the easiest way my brain has for marking time. My friends sister gave me my first cigarette and taught us how to smoke it. Their mom made the best homemade biscuits I have ever tasted in my life and their dad always chewed tobacco which came in handy for bee stings. Sometimes I could ride with my friend to school and sometimes she even let me move her car when we were at school. One evening my partner in crime and I decided to go somewhere and neither of us told our parents about it. We started our ride out fine and later she let me drive again but this time we were going on the big freeway toward downtown. Well I striped her transmission and soon we were stuck in the Friday 5 pm traffic even though it wasn't as bad as the opposite direction. We argued over who's parents to call and I was adamant it wasn't going to be mine! We both still were in heaps of trouble but I learned that driving means freedom and freedom means everything.
I skipped a lot of school in the 9th grade and it boiled down to me wanting freedom to do something... anything fun. I pushed and pulled and drove my mom nuts and that's how I ended up in the group home. Once she came to pick me up at the vocational school where I went for afternoon art class and it was clear across town from the high school. That day I drove Trixie's car still with no license so when mom showed up... I couldn't leave and had to pretend like I was skipping again. It's safe to say I know a thing or two about stupid. It was way before the internet or I would have been dangerous. We drove fast on the country roads but back then there was a lot less traffic because this was way before living in the country was cool. I didn't see Trixie much after I left home because life goes on. She stayed there in the neighborhood and later had two kids, both with different degrees of autism. I felt bad that she didn't get out but when I left home I knew two things: life was going to be hard and I was okay with that as long as it was possible. I met my ex husband soon after that and he had my first car tore up pretty quickly. Later we got a house, married and Trey came along but only had one car between us. Even though we both worked 2nd shift I could get a lift to work but on the way home was always depending on if he had any over time, when he had a decent job at Coke or whether he cared to be bothered at all.
I walked home from work through downtown towards the south side between 2 and 4 am, 5 days a week sometimes when I had a job at the bank mail room... usually with a letter opener or scissors up my jacket sleeve. Once I was walking on a night off (thus unarmed) toward where I thought my ex was so I could get my car back (the car he eventually tore up). On the way there I had a guy mumble something as he was walking in the opposite direction and then turned as he got close to stick a knife in my side. He walked me about 20 feet and stopped between two large trucks parked in a front of a business. My heart was pounding but I remained calm and was looking for a way to safely get away. I had no money so I knew this would turn bad fast. For some reason he had electrical tape with him and cut a piece off and told me to put my hands through the side mirror bars on the truck. He put the tape over my eyes but I could still see down and then he squatted... for some reason. Then I kicked him in the balls as hard as I could and ran as fast as I could. I got away and he disappeared. It was only afterward that I realized the implications and shook from fear. But I was alive and that was important!
Shortly after my ex and I separated, I got another car and was happy to have more freedom again but got careless one day when I saw the seat belt hanging out the passenger door. I opened the door and pulled the seat belt back into the car and shut the door forgetting to hold the handle up to lock the door. I then went on to work and got off that night about 2 am. I had just pulled out of the parking lot and turned on the street which has a stop light immediately after. There was a guy walking in my lane straight toward my car. As he passed he jumped into the passenger side with me and had a knife. It seems like I have a gift for attracting the deranged. He told me to drive a few blocks from the uptown area and into one of the projects. We drove down a road and took a left passing about 20 others in sunglasses while it is completely dark save for a few street lights. He told me to take a last left into a parking lot and as soon as I stopped, he jumped out with my keys. I knew if I let him go I would be in serious trouble because I knew where he was going... to where all the others were hanging out. So I got out too and went to his side to distract him and after a bit I saw my chance to grab the keys. When I did he grabbed for my throat but only got my necklace, I pushed him into the side of the car and got my keys. I literally flew to the drivers side and got in. He started running toward the others and I seriously considered running him over in my car... but I didn't. I just left and went home. Shaking the whole way.
In both incidences I shut down so to speak and went into survivor mode. It was almost beyond my control...this response to immediate danger. I had been in confrontations before but nothing of this caliber and looking back I know I was lucky but there was something else. I guess the will to survive is strong enough to over come many obstacles. Not all though. Trey wasn't driving the car but he did make the decision to get in that car at that moment. One split second decision can cost you your life just as easily as it can save it. I know after Trey died I couldn't care less if I survived and each day was a struggle. Still I often think what was going through his mind in those last few minutes and if he suffered any. Any parent who has lived through this has the same thoughts and even in the best of times are reminded just how fragile life is. With all of this I know I am still lucky because I don't live in a war torn area or other regions where people are starving and being used for cheap labor by big corporations that care little for humanity. Now more than ever I wonder what my job here on earth is other than learning.
Life is hard. That was the first line in the book The Road Less Traveled. The last part of the equation I learned... driving means freedom and freedom means everything BUT freedom without knowledge means little or even DEATH. We live and die and the cycle will go on and on. That's nature and to understand that means you have to accept certain things as is and don't think for a minute that I don't know how hard that is. Some people are looking for easy answers or the easy way and I have learned that it is rarely the right way. In the end the easy way is often more costly and less satisfying. I want to do what is right although I am not sure what is right until well after the fact no matter how much research I do. The world changes fast and sometimes you only have a split second to decide.
7. Marvelous Mistakes >>>>>
1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these
links to read in order (some chapters have
songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
I loved Fergie's catchy tune and it was one that could stick in your head for days even though I am one of the most unglamorous person you will meet. I do not enjoy attention in the spot light so to speak. When I was younger it was different of course but as I grew up and into my role of adulthood I found that I prefer to listen to people in a group setting rather than talking especially if it was a topic I knew little or nothing about. I also suffered from foot in mouth syndrome and have worked hard to get that one under control. But I can talk one on one for hours as long as it is engaging and we both are learning something. And let's face it... I am a lot of things but graceful is not one of them. As a child I fell out of trees, walked into poles or columns, fell into fountains, walked into doors and tripped over my own feet more times than I can remember. In fact once in 8th grade I think I had on sandals which mom loved for me to wear... even though I hated them. I was running on the outside hallway and tripped spectacularly into a face dive in the concrete... in front of a boy. I am no stranger to humiliation and being a young teen was the hardest time in my life. In mom's infinite wisdom she enrolled me into dance class around the age of 5 and I stuck it out for 9 years. She so wanted a girly girl I guess and dad wanted a boy so I don't think either of them were very happy that I was a tom boy girl. It was not a pretty sight and every year we were to present a recital so our families could see how well we learned to dance. One year I think I was 11 or 12? and I had a little number with 4 other girls and I fell during the performance. I felt about as tall as an ant and just wished I could crawl away... but I got back up and kept on going. What else do you do?
I'd like to tell you that mom's investment paid off but I can't do that with a straight face so I won't. After I bought my house with stairs... it became the running joke about me falling up and down them. Friends would ask me if my paramedics were on duty 24/7 and gave me the nickname Schleprock. To be honest after so many times I stopped being so embarrassed because it was... what it was. I have accepted we all can't be good at everything... even if we would really like to be. I still love dancing but as long as no one is around or others are doing it. I inherited being clumsy from mom and passed it on to Trey because he was known to do many of the same things I did. So are you starting to understand why I don't seek out the spot light or want attention? Good. :) When I started as a private investigator, I didn't believe that is was a glamorous job. Yes I watched Rockford Files and Magnum PI... but I have always lived in the real world. My life was never going to be anything like TV and I was thankful for that. Really!
Our firm was old school meaning we were in the car with cameras... video and 35mm, dictaphone, paper maps and radio's. We sat in the car and waited for many hours on end in lots of locations for maybe 5 seconds worth of action. One hotel room here looks like another one at the beach or where ever. If any of you have happened to watch the TV show Cheaters and think that it's cool, well you'd be in for a big surprise. I have worked over 24 hours at a time and driven all over the south east. Turns out when people are cheating on their spouse they are pressed for time and that causes them to fly to get to their destinations. You have to be able to keep up with them in their sporty cars and find out who, where and when they are doing the things they do. I have spent my fair share of time in parking decks, lots, hotel stairways, sitting in grave yards, on the side of roads, in restaurants and malls. Did I mention I hate malls? If the people went to a single family house then we had to creep around it and try and catch a peek of them inside... doing things they shouldn't be doing. I used to joke that the boss would have us repel from the roof tops if it would make a difference.
During an overnight case I was working in the country I had to try and get close to the house so I could take a picture of their cars parked together. There was a lot of trees in the yard and statues of deer along with other yard ornaments. After I think they have gone to bed I get out of the car and walk ever so slowly toward the house. It was off the road a good distance and I am trying my best to be quiet with crunchy leaves on the ground. The house was a huge two story with a semi circular driveway and I was about 30 feet from it when... one of the statues moved and snorted... which caused me to jump.... which caused the motion sensor to activate the flood lights... which showed I was about 3 feet from a huge buck. Beautiful creature but I took off because I didn't want to explain what I was doing there. Soon after getting back into my car, I heard a thump in the rear and turned to look and there was a raccoon setting on the trunk looking at me through the glass. Whew... it was a long night. In this business unexpected things happen as regularly as the Sunday paper.
When I first started we would get to eat out at some of the best places in town. Ones I would not have been able to afford otherwise and it was nice. We worked on several high profile cases over the years and it showed that just because people had money doesn't mean they had good sense or were any happier than the rest of us. It was a whole other world to which I was a witness to. I had it easier than the guys in the field because I am far less threatening looking to many people and I found if you were nice especially to the cops then it could go a long way toward easing any situation you may find yourself in. This one case we were working in Georgia had turned bad pretty quickly after following a person there because of the guy working with me. He was an ex policeman and thought he knew it all. See in Georgia they had apparently just passed an anti stalking law aimed a PI's, I guess because one of them may have got caught with their pants down? So when our person of interest called the cops, who came out to the hotel and spoke with my partner, I moved down the highway and found a nice big mall to park in while he did his thing. It was lucky he wasn't arrested because the tensions were running high that night. And later when he finally got free and asked where did I go... I told him that there wasn't a point of both of us getting arrested for his stupidity. Besides the boss didn't pay me enough to go to jail. Especially in Georgia. My exes family is from there and the little experience I had in that city at 16 was not pleasant because they threatened to lock me up just for being 16 without a parent with me. What kind of crazy stuff is that?
Our weirdest case was a man who had a girlfriend that looked exactly like his wife. They met up one night at a local movie theater who's parking lot was lit up like a football stadium and parked in the center of the parking lot directly across from the exit doors. When the crowd let out and were walking toward the parking lot, they all had a great view of the activities going on in the car. While my partner was trying to get shots of them in the car, I was filming the crowds reactions as the walked by... it was great! Apparently money can't buy you class either. Another case in Tennessee I found myself drifting onto the shoulder of the road with a guardrail that led to a very steep drop off... a cliff!. It was late, I was driving a car that one of the guys let me use when mine was stolen and had worked for 18 hours and still had more to go. I was lost and looking for a place with no address, just route numbers when this curve came up... I just about didn't stop the car in time. I then pulled over, realized that no one would have been able to find me or even identify me in case the car blew up because I wasn't in my car. Then I hurled, got my breath back and continued on. All that was recorded on the audio tape from screeching wheels to losing my lunch and when the others heard it they were stunned.
The absolute hardest thing for me was going to court and having to be a witness. I hate speaking publicly period but it gets even worse in court. My first few times on the stand I probably looked like I was ready to jet out of the seat and attach myself to the ceiling like old Sylvester the cat. My leg would shake uncontrollably making my voice sounded like I was talking through a fan and I probably looked like a complete idiot up there. I am truly thankful that most of the cases settled before we had to go to court because it didn't really seem to get much better. Another fact is just by sitting in court waiting to testify I could see that we were all just pawns in the game and he who has the most wins. Another difficult thing that most people don't think about is that it is really hard to find a bathroom when you really need one. And with my luck no matter when I chose to go, the people I was watching would leave about then. I just couldn't win for losing.
To me the most interesting people were the ones I met working the cases that had nothing to do with the cases themselves. Having worked in the service industry one way or another for years gave me a deep appreciation for others performing similar duties. These would include the parking lot attendant at the buildings we were in, to hotel or restaurant staff. I even ran into a guy I worked with at McDonald's down at the beach who I hadn't seen for about 10 years or so. Once while I was filming at the beach the critical part of getting both parties behind closed doors and even though I was in the shadows across the way, all they had to do was look behind them and they could see me. While filming I heard a shuffle behind me and breathing but I didn't move until the people were in the door. I then slowly turned around and a lady said to me, "I almost hired one of you for my husband, but then decided I didn't want to know." I was so relived she wasn't a whole lot of different things, all I could think to say at that point was okay! You know I had done a lot to break the habit of lying in my life but being a PI means you have to use a lot of pretexts to get information and I found that it was much harder to do now. And you had to be ready for the boss who would ask rapid fire questions like the DA in court.
You remember that attorney I've been mentioning through out this whole series? Well he worked in both of the buildings I worked in through my job at the law firm and as a PI. I met him once in the office and couldn't help but saying " Hi, I've heard a lot about you for years" and left it at that, but he gave me a quizzical look as the boss then asked him a question. I'm sure he was trying to figure out who I was as I was jetting out the door. Later I would talk to his secretary outside on smoke breaks and learned that she knew Krystal well from coming in to the office and was surprised that I did too. I am sure the way news travels it didn't take him long to figure it out. We also lost a lovely lady who had worked in the office for the firm for so very many years to breast cancer and as luck would have it she lived in the same county as my grandma in SC.
Because of the turn around there was always a new guy to train as well as do the job too. Another double standard I got tired of was training guys to do the job while still doing the job itself and they sometimes started off making more than I did currently. And they wonder why I and many before me was a pain in the ass? Hummm... let me think. The ones fresh out of school were still looking to have a life and would keep asking questions about how long it was going to take. They didn't like the answer... as long as it takes. Being a PI was not a job it was a life and you had to be ready at all times. I mean you could sit at home for a few days with nothing to do but let me start a project or make plans and that phone would ring just a sure as the sun would rise. We worked many of holidays and helped out in the office when we were needed. We had many people come and go in this profession and more often than not I would hear them say, this is not what I thought it was going to be. My response was... Well what did you think it would be? And I would hear that tune in my head...The Glamorous Life.
16. Double Standards >>>>>
1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy, 4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these
links to read in order (some chapters have
songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
I have seen the word lazy thrown around a lot and I resemble that! I have never been a ball of fire by any means and like to conserve my energy whenever possible. On the other side of the coin I don't expect to be taken care of and know that it is up to me to do the job. So if I can find a way to do something easier and better, I am all about. Practicing and enhancing these techniques over the years has helped me do more using my own natural rhythm and I am pretty sure that it doesn't fit into a normal pattern. Like many others though I found myself wishing there were more hours in the day the older I got. Just keeping up with the dishes, laundry and the trash after working a full time job is hard enough. Add paying the bills, balancing the budget with buying supplies and those make up just the basics. If you have kids of any age then there is always homework, school conferences, activities of all types, bath time and dinner on a schedule. Who has time to clean the house much less sleep in this over worked society we have created for ourselves? I found I get a lot more done when I am alone than I do when others are around. The distractions keep breaking the flow of momentum that I need to finish what ever I am working on. No matter how sufficient I
became in getting things done though, it was no match for the absolute sheer
volume of never ending busy work that keeps us moving all the time and kept me Running on Empty.
I didn't get a lot of sleep growing up because my mom couldn't sleep much. She felt that if she can't sleep why should I be able to and sometimes she would even get the vacuum cleaner out at 9 am on a Saturday. It took many years but I have finally won mom over to my side and now she sleeps late everyday. After I moved out, sleep was a luxury because surviving took precedence and after having a child you can pretty much forget sleep until they're a teenager. When I did crash out I slept like a coma victim who heard very little. One time I spent the weekend with some friends on the farm and they cranked up the chainsaw for a stump in front of the house and the room I was sleeping in. Never heard it the first time and they must have told that story to everybody at one point. One of the main reasons next to Trey, I bought my house was just so I could sleep in peace but as most of you know that is not always the case. Another reason I bought it was because I was tired of moving all the time when the people I lived with went crazy and that was a regular thing around here...and no it's not lost on me that I could be the one making them crazy! It's a true gift I have but I try to keep it in check.
One of the many pictures people take of me when I was sleeping.
You see the thing I value the most is my time. It was something I didn't have a lot of and wasting it became something I couldn't bare. I don't mean I am important therefor my time is more valuable than yours. I mean the little free time I have was mine so I didn't want to waste a moment of it but I will value your time as well because you probably feel the same way. I don't waste time on pipe dreams or get rich schemes. I don't waste time on things that go nowhere because I've traveled enough dead ends to know better. I definitely want to finish things right the first time because I sure don't want to do it twice but sometimes when dealing with the corporate world or other people, it makes it impossible. We all need time to recharge our batteries but so very few have the luxury of doing so and make no mistake it is now a luxury. In a world that will try and sell us any time saving devise then place coffee shops on every corner to keep you going so you can keep making money to buy stuff that is supposedly going to save you more time... is just like being on the hamster wheel. I also didn't understand a lot of the off hours get togethers with people at work because I already spent more time with them, than I did with my friends and family.
I have written before that I think about many things... not just the everyday musings but in my life I have tried to find solutions to problems that take all the affected people in account. Contrary to popular belief, I did work my butt off over the years balancing many different commitments, people, wants, needs, hopes and dreams... most of those for others in my life. I have never felt right about just going out and getting mine, without listening and compromising with others... To a POINT! That is the main reason I knew I would not go far in the corporate world... I had ethics and little tolerance of BS. I am not trying to sound altruistic because I am not. My philosophy especially in the business world, is that if I want peace then I have to solve problems that arise so that you can be happy and hopefully go away... and that is pretty selfish. Sometimes though you find you can't make some people happy no matter what you do or don't do and that leads to mental anxiety. Everybody has at least one person in their work or home life that drains their energy and I call those people hoovers... because they suck the life right out. I've had one at home and one at the job at the same time on several occasions. If you have a stressful job, on top of family and friends with issues and complaints then you have a recipe for mild exhaustion to a full blown break down. My biggest downfall was taking on too much at one time usually depending on people who were undependable. My faulty reasoning was get a bunch of stuff done at one time and then I can take a break. But after a while I began to realize that the breaks just weren't coming and if you need them you have to make them yourself.
I have been known to disconnect the phones and crawl under my rock because the world keeps on kicking my butt and sometimes you just need to unplug, and not just from the hoovers. I have found that you have to turn off the tube or manage what you watch carefully because it sells fear, war and righteousness... even if they are far from right. For some though unplugging is like going without crack and being alone is not an option. If you are afraid to be alone sometimes then you are afraid of yourself and you should be asking "why is that?" Anyway it turns out that 6 months wasn't enough to make a dent in the absolute mental exhaustion I had. It has taken about 3 years just to get to this point I am today. I can look back and see more clearly because I have had time to decompress and my hope is that more of you will do this too. Now I can see that the whole system we all live under is designed to use us up and throw us away. It is easy to label people as lazy because it then explains their failure to succeed and then we can absolve ourselves of any responsibility for creating this mess our world is in now. I am fortunate to have cared more about my sanity than what others thought especially about my laziness. But every decision I made to participate in this rat race we live in was one step closer to the day I lost my baby Trey.
18. Crossroads of Life and Death. >>>>>
