My thoughts on life...

Monday, November 21, 2011

Back to the farm

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>

After working at the bar and the paper for a couple of months the schedule got tight because the hours kept changing for both jobs. I had gotten the chance to get the job at the paper because one of the managers came through the drive thru window at McDonald's where I had worked on a regular basis and told me to come in for an interview. She was a kind lady but I only got to work for her for a few months before they moved me to another managers team because she transferred to another department. The new manager at work was not a pleasant person and after several months of her odd rants or complete meltdowns in the sales office floor, I was quickly tiring of the constant drama, low pay and the unwillingness to work with me on hours to get to the 2nd job on time. I had determined that I made more money in two nights of waiting tables than a week at the paper. I'll admit that I was sleep deprived and on my break one afternoon I closed my eyes while in the break room. The new manager came in and had a few words to say about it, to which I rolled my eyes. I was fired but I was glad to get out of there. Jeez enough was enough. I heard later that she was (in)voluntarily committed for a bit and thought why can't they catch these folks before I lose my job. It did let me work full time at the bar and pool room which was more my schedule because I like being up at night. Let's face it... it was much more fun too.

I liked most of the customers in the bar, they were fun people and I had been going there off and on for over three years even though I wasn't old enough to drink at first. I started to work there shorty after my 21st birthday. Shooting pool was fun but I was far from good so I would practice some if we were not busy. We had regular bar flies that came in at 5 pm and stayed til closing and then we had the weekenders. We even had our own off duty police officers that would help break up fights where pool sticks are involved and I was thankful for that. No need going to the hospital if you don't have too! For a while it really was a happening place and then there was a guy (isn't there always?) who came in pretty regularly by himself, just after work and played on the tables alone. I noticed a bit slowly mind you that he wouldn't order anything from the other waitress on duty, but only from me. He too was from Kansas and was a nice looking dude with pretty blue eyes, long and lanky... again not my type but that was the point! He too was a quiet guy but he did start talking to me a little and I thought he was sweet but didn't think he really was interested in me.

In Comfortably Single I wrote that you have to be pretty direct with me because I don't assume anything and being direct is the way to get my attention. In real life his mama named him after her favorite folk song artist of the region and he kind of looked like him when the artist was younger but again we'll call him Willie. On the weekends he started hanging at the bar until closing and several of us customer and employees would stay behind after closing and talk in the parking lot. After a few weeks it became clear that he did indeed like me and one night we got caught walking in the rain which was pretty fun too. I must say I was flattered and thrilled because he really seemed like he could carry on a conversation, had a clue, a job and his own place to live. What more could I ask for right? I should also mention that I met Scott my long time friend and roommate today around this time. He was one of the regulars and knew both me and Willy and Willy's nutty but sweet friend Michael who was always Walking in Memphis on his way to Graceland. We even shot pool on the same league team for a session. And to round things out then I met a girl who was petite and looked very young for her age. I carded her in the bar and saw she was 5 years older than me and was floored. We started talking and hit it off too. She and her boyfriend were regulars a bit and we'll call them, Bonnie and Clyde, but Bonnie deserves her own chapter and so shall it be.

I could have used a little more time but I was out of that and needed a place to live when mom threw me out again so Willie let me move in with him. It was great because it was so close to the bar that I could walk when my RX-7 wouldn't start and that happened regularly until it quit completely and I got the Grand Am. He introduced me to his ex girlfriend because they remained friends and she started dating someone I knew back when I was married. Weird but true. Another weird fact is Willie had dated a black girl from the school I went to in Union County. She was a beautiful girl so I could see why but it was this girls cousin who was a friend of mine in school. This poor guy had come to my house once and my father opened the door and scared the snot out of him because he was black... and that was that. Anyway things were staring to look up and I really thought Willie could be the one and I was falling for him hard. It was a strong feeling that was altogether new to me. He worked with his dad learning the electrical trade and things went great for a while. Then Bonnie and Clyde needed a place to live with her son, his large dog and asked us if they could stay with us until they got on their feet. In a few months it seems Willie was unhappy working with his dad and wanted to move out of the city to the country. Later I would find out that his mom had a problem with me still being married on paper but didn't understand that I was the one that would have to pay for it and was working on it along with everything else.

It was also around this time that he said something I have never been able to get out of my mind but he was a bit drunk at the time. We had been talking one night and as he leaned in to kiss me he said "You aren't the most beautiful girl I've ever dated but there is something about you... I just don't know". Now just what the hell do you do with that? I know I'm average and cleaned up pretty good but was there a point in stating the obvious? The thing that saved him at this time was the next night or so I got a call at the bar at 1:30 am from my dad who was so upset I couldn't understand a word he was saying. So Willie and I left and drove the 30 minutes to get to the trailer to find a mess. He shot the TV that was in his back room because he saw my ex husbands face in the screen when he was drinking and just blew the TV away. While we were cleaning it up dad asked me not to tell mom and I said... sure... no problem. Like she wasn't going to be able to figure out what happened! Dad and Willie had a beer together and things calmed down.

See my dad was remembering when my ex husband decided he was going to keep Trey one Christmas after he turned 2 years old. My ex told me what he was going to do but I didn't believe him because he hadn't been around for a while and he sure hadn't paid any child support since I left... but as usual he shows up out of no where with a bunch of demands. I couldn't even swear he had a job at the time but even if he did just how did he think he was going to take care of Trey? And who would want to piss off my mom just for the fun of it? Looking back on it now I think that once I figured out my ex was serious about this I decided to sit it out and let the two of them go at it and deal with the clean up as I usually do. Not to mention Trey who was at the center of this never ending tug of war that was the ultimate victim in this whole story. Anyway, my uncle was going to Disneyland and wanted Trey to go and I knew that once that happened, Trey wasn't going back to my exes. No matter what my exes father said and he thought he was the expert in court battles with exes. We went to court eventually and my ex showed up with a notebook, his new girl friend at the time in her fishnet stockings wearing a hoochie outfit and afterward custody remained joint between us but mom had retained parental care. Another colossal waste of time and money. The worst part was Trey was afraid to go into a swimming pool or ocean after that. What is God's named happened to this child in the two weeks he was gone?

Willie later met Krystal, her boyfriend (Ryan Clampette) and was sure that living out near them was the place to be. Ryan assured Willie that there was plenty of work doing siding and despite all my best efforts I couldn't talk him out of it. Personally I wanted to go toward Gatlinberg TN because at least it was beautiful and if you have to live in the country, go all out! I also told him these were professional drinkers and there was no way he could keep up with them because they started early but he insisted that it would be perfect. Hummmph! I knew better but I thought he's gotta learn sometime, so we packed up our stuff and moved to the dry country in a trailer. Bonnie and Clyde went their separate ways but we will meet her again later. Did I mention that having grown up in trailer, I didn't want to live in another one my entire life but here we were. I had to quit The Rack and now was working at a near by convenience store in the country and Krystal later became my manager. I had also worked at two different local bars part time (both owned by the same owner) and one of those was a dive, but that didn't last long. Willie worked with Ryan and soon found himself in over his head and I remember one day they came to drop him off at the house. He was so drunk he only made it a few steps from the van before passing out right in the front yard. Yep he could handle it alright! Things got worse from there on out. We fought a lot and I found myself having to cover for Krystal some when she would go off on a bender. To me this was about as low as I wanted to go and knew things had to change. Alcohol was ruining my life and I still didn't drink that much... I mean once in a blue moon.

We were perpetually short on cash and it gets cold near the lake in the winter time. Sometimes we had to use the stove to heat the trailer and Willie in the fashion of Tim the tool man Taylor rewired it. One evening he came home just as I was getting off work and something had changed but I didn't know what it was. He wouldn't answer any questions and I was getting tired of trying to figure out how we were gonna pay the bills and we had a BIG fight that night. He left and I didn't see him again until he stopped by the store, clean shaven and in decent clothes the next day and then he kissed me good by, went to his ex girlfriends house then called me to say it was over. Well duh, I got that but he wanted me to drive all the way there with little gas in my car. What was the point? I thought about it and remembered I needed to get stuff out of his truck so I drove up there and got it. I was so mad at the position he had left me in I was steaming not to mention hurt... again. I asked her why she bothered trying to be my friend to my face because she could have saved us both a lot of time and grief. The worst part was running out of gas so I had to stay there with THEM that night. Well they called me down there so now they would have to deal with me and at least they had heat! So Another One Bites the Dust.

I guess it made him feel good to make me see them together... or he was a spoiled brat or was just to scared to face me on his own... who knows? Later I went home to a cold house because the stove Willie rewired blew up so there went the heat. It was a cold couple of days packing up but I was thankful a kid that had started working at the store came and helped me do as much as possible. My dear friend Sherri was willing to let me move back to Charlotte with her again but I still needed to find another job. Well Willie's new/old girlfriend offered me a job at the pizza place she worked at when she came with Willie to pick up some of his stuff. I didn't want to do that at all but really needed some cash and pizza delivery was they easiest way to do it until I could find another permanent job. She told me that I wouldn't see her or Willie very much and again that was a lie. Saw them everyday and it was the hardest thing to deal with because it hurt to see them together. What am I still doing here?

Soon after I got a job at a law firm as a courier but still needed to stay at the pizza place for gas money until I got my first check. Three days before that I was working the closing shift with the new/old girlfriend and she sent me to a location known for serious drug activity and being a girl in a pizza uniform was like having a bulls eye on your back. When I got there approximately 10 or 12 guys smoking crack pipes were sitting in the breezeway of the apartment I needed to deliver to and you couldn't see them until you were in there. I knocked on the right door just as a few of them were getting up and the nice man who ordered the pizza was kind enough to walk me back out to my car. I walked back into the shop took off my uniform and threw it at her after I told her what a low class sorry person she was and left. A little later Scott helped me when I needed some shocks for the car and we were starting to hang out more at that time. I was telling him the story about all the people at the farm and of course he didn't believe me... until he met some of them later on. ;) Blew his mind too, to say the least but here is the important part that karma taught me.

One night roughly a week after I had quit the pizza job Scott and I went to The Rack. As soon as we walked in Spunky the bartender asked if we had seen the news and we both said no so she turned it on just in time to see Willie's red truck with crime scene tape and reports that he had been shot while making a pizza delivery. For some reason his girlfriend had transferred him to another store in a bad neighborhood. Later that night the new girlfriend came to The Rack and asked me if I'd go see him in the hospital because they didn't know if he was going to make it. I did not want to go but felt like it was the right thing to do but as usual the new girlfriend wasted my time with some BS story when it was time. Later I found out she was almost 2 months pregnant and that was the missing piece to the puzzle because Willie and I were still together at that time. Willie suffered 4 shots, one to the back of the head, abdomen, arm and leg? Scott witnessed the whole event that transpired that night and was floored that someone would be that cruel and mean. To me it was just another day and it just wasn't worth it to keep fighting ignorant people so I didn't even bother. Scott and I saw them together at the Steve Miller concert a year later and Willie was not right at all but they had gotten married. I thought better her than me at that point. Even thought I didn't explain all the details of that last fight, I still believe that the karma was a little strong for the crimes but who's to say I know everything? Makes you wonder...

Our trip to Tennessee so we took a ride to check out the beautiful scenery.

Before the move.

Release the Indifference to feel Alive from Pearl Jam.

11. It's a small world after all >>>>>

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Law and Order

Not the TV show that has been on for many seasons, although I did watch a lot of them in the last 3 years. With the advent of the DVR it became possible to actually watch the cable I was paying for, but rarely at home to see. People often asked me if I saw this or that show and usually I hadn't because I didn't keep up with popular shows. I do remember the first shows about forensics evidence like one called Medical Detectives that featured reviews of real life cases of murder and mayhem. A quiet interest of mine was trying to understand why people do what they do and especially how they do it. Not because I was looking for ideas, mind you but trying to understand the motivations. The usual reasons of jealousy, money, love and vengeance are the top ones but I kept asking myself what was the first domino set in place that led to what seemed like senseless violence. The only one that made any sense to me when I was younger was vengeance because they felt like they were righting some wrong done to them or another loved one. The Bible and the law states that it is wrong to seek vengeance in any fashion and if the law can not provide the vengeance you seek then you are out of luck. And lets be honest, real facts are hard to come by especially when it comes to the TV and the cases themselves. People lie and the cover up begins because those involved understand the implications of getting caught. All too often the victims are portrayed as the offenders and the offenders are then turned into the consummate victims.

I have always had a healthy respect for the police because they are human too. Some if not many of them have a conscience and others don't. It seems like the ones I knew and talked to did indeed have one and they took their jobs seriously but with a grain of salt. Most police that actually do the work often see people on the worst days of their life and deal with fall outs of one disaster after another. To live that close to the darkness can test even the most strongest among us. It was also the reason I decided against pursuing a criminal justice degree or being a cop. Even working at a prison center means coming up close and personal with the most broken of people on a daily basis. And let's face it, I didn't want to see any of my friends on the other side of the bars. Anyway I really didn't think I'd find the answers there either because honesty on both sides of the fence is lacking. The one thing I understood early on was the police can't do anything until after a crime has been committed and by then it is too late. That also meant that defending and protecting myself or others was my responsibility especially if I was with the people I loved. It really was a no brainer to me but what was disturbing to hear was how often that was discouraged in the media. The motto was all too often go along to get out alive but sometimes that will get a person killed quicker than anything, depending on the individual who is committing the crime and their intent. Personally I would rather die trying to fight off a rapist than to be raped even if that is not the acceptable view point in society but in the end it is all about power and I'll be damned if I don't fight to keep mine until I can safety get away. That is the nature of survival most of us inherently have even if it isn't tested too often.

If you can step back and understand the variables in any situation then apply that thinking toward the military. Again I have a very healthy respect for all the men and women who sign up believing they are defending our freedom and way of life. In fact I care about their life and deaths so much so that I would be remiss if I didn't speak out about their senseless leaders because I too understand that the working guys are the ones with little power of their own. They are trapped in a chain of command and breaking ranks is not allowed. My dad was a paratrooper in Korea and after a hard life as the oldest of 7 kids, jumping out of airplanes was a breeze. The horrors of combat took a toll on him though and it is one that will not be broken at least in this life time. The old black and white pictures of him in his youth with his buddies in full gear next to the planes with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth bare a stark difference to the shell of the man that he is today. But he is one of countless many who have been used and discarded by the government and it was almost surreal to see how many other families that were crumbling under the strains whether it be financial hardships due to a deployment resulting in a loss of income or that knock on the door that every family dreads with all of their being. I understand freedom is not free more than most but I no longer think that all the senseless fighting in the world will make us free. It seems to be the opposite in my humble opinion and we are now only fighting to keep the elite... the elite and in turn they are making sure we stay right where we are at...lost, broken and marginalized.

We as regular citizens are covered in laws and the papers to effect them are staggering. The gap between the have - have nots only increase and the haves are not subject to the same if any laws themselves so our justice system is a parody of anything fair and just. Only on prime time TV do the real offenders go to jail and good guys win. In real life the good guys are all to often following orders and are put between a rock and hard place and the consequences to them can be dire if they fail. The very disturbing thing that most folks don't understand is that a lot of the military or their families have been experimented on in many cruel and unusual ways through out the many years of service. The effects of those experiments may not be fully known but it is safe to say that we are in for some interesting times from here on out. And lets not forget your plain old generic lunatics that sprouted up due to the decline of common sense and propaganda of the media. The biggest problem the police and the military have is that people with no conscience flock to these professions in droves and rise up the chain of command because they are looking for power and little else. The only two ways I see to break that chain is for the all people in the country to stop paying taxes and for the rank and file in all professions that support this archaic system do a thorough clean out of the psychopathic people and their policies from the top down. In turn the people would then need to use their money if they have any that is and start investing in their own communities at least until the federal clean up is completed. I have never had a problem paying taxes because we all need services that we can't not easily provide for ourselves. I just want my taxes to be put back into the people instead of being used to kill them wherever they live. I don't really think that is too much to ask for...is it? Difficult if not impossible...sure, but nothing ever worth having was easy and the alternative is a nightmare.

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/237889-The-War-on-Addiction-Has-Been-Brought-Home

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/237450-We-Will-Never-Pay-So-Stop-Harassing-Us

http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2011/11/29/377392/banks-illegally-foreclose-military/
https://www.sott.net/articles/show/234455-Beyond-PTSD-Soldiers-Have-Injured-Souls

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Comfortably Single

For some it may be hard to imagine life remaining single in a world where we feel desperate to find a mate but it happens more often these days. I know I have tried to have several relationships over the years that didn't work out for one reason or another and yes I realize the common denominator was me. It was funny though to watch how fast a guy could get away when the inevitable question of what do you do for a living came up. It seems women have learned how to be an investigator when it comes to their man's activities and men sure don't want to date a professional PI. The few that didn't run where the ones I wish that had.

While it didn't start out that way, I do have a deep appreciation of marriage... even if I don't respect those who are in the marriage. When I married Trey's dad I did so because I wanted him to have a link back to his dad and their side of the family. Now I was 7 months pregnant when we were married and after I had Trey, it seemed like I returned to my senses. I tried one last time to get Trey's dad to understand it was time to grow up and when that didn't happen I told him I was done. Period. Once I make the decision there is no going back but it took a while for him to realize this. Because I started dating Marvelous right after it really made a bad situation worse. Sure I could have handled it better but I was tired of handling everything alone so I did the next best thing... at least in my mind. Also I would never knowingly date a married man or one that was involved with another women. It's not only plain wrong but it is a serious waste of time, energy and often times the best part of you. As for Marvelous, I tried to understand him but after 16 off and on years I gave up and it took many times to make him understand I am done. And then there was of course Willie who seemed like he had the most promise and that still fell flatter than a 2 day old open can of cola.

Any relationships are complicated in the world today but dating and looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with can test even the most romantic of people. And the games that are played with each other are just a fact of life. I had one tell me one time...Don't hate the player... hate the game. I looked right at him and said the game wasn't being played here until YOU showed up so I will hate the player if you don't mind. If you don't want to be in a serious relationship then don't. Why get married or have a long term relationship and have others on the side? It seems so simple in theory but in practice it is apparently a difficult concept for some people to get. My dear friend told me once he was looking for a wife that liked to cook, clean and take care of the house. I laughed and said sorry dude they don't make those models any more. He asked why not? I said because too many of your predecessors returned them to exchange them for younger models that were freaks in the bed. The original models are now being discontinued and are obsolete. And I must be honest when I was 20 a guy standing in his underwear was sexy where as now a guy doing his own underwear in the laundry is sexy so I am not sure how those two ends would ever meet.

I stopped pretending to care a long time ago about trivial things and looked for someone out there who was able to do the same... with no luck. There were so many things of importance to talk about or discover and I wanted someone who was up to the challenge of being a partner in every sense of the word. If you have read any of the previous post you know some of how I feel about the world but it is very hard to find intellectual stimulation in a sea of shallowness where instant gratification is king. I am not saying they aren't out there... I am saying that the chances of me meeting a person like that were slim to none. I have a gift of attracting some of the weirdest men on earth (at least in these parts) and knew my type was tall, dark and full of it. So I gave up on my type because they were not conducive for anything stable.

As you read through the stories of my life if you are interested that is you will see that I have worked at several bars over the years and hung out in many more playing pool with the guys to clubbing with the girls. I am much better with the former than the latter though because of my awkwardness but when I was younger I would push myself to try new experiences. That did not always include dealings with the opposite sex though because after Trey was born I knew I had to be careful of what and who was around him. Working in bars really gives you an insight into peoples personalities without having to take it all home with you at night. Bars are drama magnets for the walking wounded and made doing the actual job seem like a cake walk compared to dealing with people. And this business of swapping partners every so often baffled me because the swaps were almost equal to what they traded for. If you are looking for people with maturing capabilities at a bar, then you are in the wrong place indeed. I am not saying they didn't come in there, I am saying they usually didn't stay.

I have met people from all over the place doing many things other than going to bars however but no one who really took the time to know me. I had wasted enough time with guys like that and decided that I'd stick to that plan. I have known for a long while that I am a difficult person for some and for others down right impossible. I will not apologize because I grew and keep growing as a human, even if I still do fall down from time to time. Later another disturbing thing I noticed is that when I wasn't interested in anything serious from a guy then they would ultimately pursue me even more intently. I'm not hot, playing hard to get or interested. Period. Some reminded me of lost little puppies and others full on psychos. It seems you can't win for losing sometimes in the dating game. It really became boring and a chore. It was sad to go to the local bar around here for the older folks and watch just how desperate some of the men or women were just to hook up for the night hoping it would maybe turn into something serious. While working a few hours at that same bar to help out my neighbor and bartender I got to know a lot of them personally. I also like to dance a little especially if I had a few drinks and just have a little fun. In a meat market type setting it is harder than you may think to do that.

To tell how rusty I was in the market one night a group of ladies I knew from another country bar came in and we had a wonderful time catching up. The 4 of us got up and danced a few songs over the night and toward the end of the night there was another girl who was a regular that came up and started to dance with us. No big deal or so I thought. She did come a little close to me a few times and had a few drinks too but I wasn't paying that much attention. The song ended, we all went back to the table and later I was talking to one of the bouncers and they let me know that the last girl was interested in me?!? I had no clue because it wasn't that overt and I am not the type to pick up on the subtleties of attraction... from either sex apparently. In fact for me to even know you are interested you would have to come right out and say it one way or another. Yes sometimes I can be that dense but I like clarity and if you aren't clear I ain't paying attention.

It took a while but I finally came to a point where I like who I am and prefer to just be by myself. Things are simpler and to be completely honest I just don't have anything left to give another person in a relationship. It takes two to make one work and one sided relationships never work out. It's not just about having independence to do what I want, when but it is about much needed peace in my life that I have worked hard to get this far. I spent years doing many things for people that didn't care about returning the favor. Now I spend a lot of time reading and writing and those are two things that can easily be accomplished alone. I don't get cold in the winter because I have an electric blanket and two dogs to keep me warm and in good company. In fact I wondered why I didn't get a dog sooner. They are always happy to see me when I come home and that is the best feeling I could ever ask for. My roommate is a guy and we have a pretty good relationship so it is like having the best of both worlds, for both of us right now in our life. I might meet Mr. Right one day... probably at the nursing home in line at the cafeteria right after I win the lottery, solve world hunger then world peace but until then I will remain comfortable single.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>


We all have done some of these things at one time or another to one degree or another. If you are looking for a signed dated confession of all my sins then I am sorry to inform you... it ain't happening because I do not want to be featured on World Dumbest Criminals. ;) Even if the statues of limitations have long run out, I am old enough to know better and to be honest I have experienced karma in person and have paid high prices. I can only hope to have repaid it all and try my hardest not to incur any more but life has a way of handling it's own. I do remember being young and observing the adults tell white lies to other adults. Some I could tell up front that they were lies and others didn't reveal themselves until later. I am talking small lies designed to spare another persons feelings such as... I like that outfit you are wearing to... no I can't go fishing, I have to work. When heard by themselves they are harmless I guess but if lies along these lines are heard regularly to any young person... they notice. And kids pick up from their parents more than they think possible sometimes.

Now having said all that I need to make a few things clear. Although I'm sure my parents did the best they could with what they had to work with, I still had a weird childhood. Mom was more than strict and the running joke for years was that she would give ANY Master Drill Sargent a run for their money. I know as a small child she scared the hell out of me and much later I found out that my child hood friends felt the same about her. ;) If you talk to mom today she is right proud of that too! I also had a third grade teacher from hell and I spent more time in the back room getting paddled because I got to the point of not even bothering to listen to her because she was mean just for the sport of it! Well as I got older I found that lying was easier when it came to avoiding punishment and was bad to lie just to get out of the house. This one night I snuck out to meet my childhood friend Trixie from across the street so we could go walking at 12 or 1am and I got caught coming back in through the window by dad and he had a cow! I think I was grounded from age 12 - 16 and back then there was nothing but the 4 walls and a book if I was lucky.   Occasionally I would even steal things from the store and got caught a few times. I had rationalized it in my head as stores were not people, so it was okay to take what you need since they had way more money than I did. But stealing is stealing no matter the rational.

The neighbors to my parents back then were also known to be a fence and it was pretty easy to spot the activity over the years. My dad was in the military with their son who later died but I didn't find out for a long time that they knew my dad way before he was my dad. Of course there was a lot that my dad never told me about his family and the information has been sparse over the years. Well the neighbors had their granddaughter living with them who was about 3 years younger than me and while she has grown into a lovely women, she was a pure brat growing up. She would follow us around and if we ditched her, she would steal our stuff! I spent many times arguing with her pops and wasn't afraid to tell him to kiss my ass even at 11. They would call my mom all the time and finally mom just told them... she didn't want to hear about it any more. That was huge as far as I was concerned because that was out of character for her. My other childhood friend and I had to deal with bullies because our last names were odd but over time I had learned to fight back. So when my bratty neighbor made it to the age of riding the bus I did do my best to protect her from the worst of them but if it was just the normal teasing I would let it go... well she was still a brat! She ended up with the same third grade teacher but she had it even worse than I did.

I also lied to people at school because I didn't like who I was and wanted desperately to be someone else. It's hard to be cool when your mom shows up at school to pick you up in the green bat mobile... and you're not even there!. I skipped so much school that most of the people I went to high school with don't even remember me... but they remember her! Sometimes when we were skipping we would walk away from a lunch tab or steal a few items from the mall. Well this one summer I think I was 13 or so and knew mom took a bath like clock work everyday. I was so bored that day I got the nerve to swipe moms car keys and take it for a spin around the block. I got back home in time and replaced the keys... no problem... everything was great. I did it again on the second day with no problems but then the third day was a disaster. I had gotten a little bolder and driven further down the road when I passed this car with a woman wearing big sunglasses, who had her head wrapped up and was beeping the horn. I passed her by and just thought humph... crazy old lady driver and headed back toward the house. Before getting close to home I passed this same crazy woman again still beeping the horn and looking pretty mad because she was talking and motioning with her hands. I thought I better get out of there and turned on a gravel road but she turned around and made the same turn too. That's when I saw the cigarette in her hand and KNEW who it was. See mom smoked those Eve 120's which were those really long and skinny cigarettes and she had one of those in her hand as she made that turn... and I knew I was busted beyond all get out at that point. She had borrowed the neighbors car when she went to check on the pot roast in the oven and looked out to see her car was gone. Damn pot roast!

Later after I moved out and at times living on the street I stole for food and gas. I am not proud of that but I understand surviving is often not pretty or even moral sometimes. And later again after I started to get on my feet I still continued to steal a few things because I was stupid. Now there were a lot of factors at the time and one was the crowd I was in. I am not blaming them at all for my actions but just want you to know that I was susceptible to group think at that time. In most people lives there comes a time when you realize that you suck as a person and that came for me after having Trey. Breaking away from my then husband and friends was the only way I could start to do that. I was having a really tough time with the hypocrisy of certain individuals and had to step back to see it in myself. I was tired of lying to myself about many things and the changes inside were coming out making it harder for them to understand me. I hate double standards and have really tried to keep mine in check. But it took a few more years to sort out why I did the things I did and decided I was going to stop lying to people about any and everything. Up until that point in life people vaguely listened to me or at least I thought they did. When I was lying about who I really was inside people listened but when I started to tell them the truth it was almost like I was speaking a foreign language. The truth was I have a conscience and it had been eating at me for a while. As I wrote in Marvelous Mistakes and other previous post you can probably surmise the karmatic debt that I must have felt needed to be repaid. I also want to say I am sorry to anyone that I have ever hurt in any capacity and humbly ask for your forgiveness.

The one thing I have tried hard to not do is lie to myself or my son about things especially if they are of great importance. I am usually hypercritical of myself and I am just as much a smart ass in my head to myself, as I am out loud. While I have stated the bad things I am responsible for I never intended to hurt anyone because I know how it feels. But I am human and sometimes don't see what is right in my face until it either blows up in my face or someone brings it to my attention... and believe me there has been no shortage of those. Despite all of my experiences I knew I wanted to make something of this life I had and so when I did take a Walk on the Wild Side with the Lunatic Fringe, I tried to stay near the edge. The risks I took were more to learn or get a leg up. Both of those still comes with a high price sometimes even if you can't see them right that moment. And yes lying by omission is still lying. I am talking about that one critical detail that fills in the rest of the picture when you are talking to another. I have since termed those handy bit's of information simply because they would have been handy to actually have when it was needed and not after the opportunity has passed. I've been guilty of that on occasion because I didn't want to give someone more ammunition to use against me but for the most part I am a pretty open person. To me having freedom meant not having to lie about what I thought was important, who I was and where I wanted to go. At least that's what I thought but again I would find out how wrong I was.

Lying is woven into the fabric of our lives and the more we give it a voice the more it will consume us. I know in relation to what is going on in the world today my sins may not seem so big in the face of the wall street bankers or even the wars in the middle east but each and every one contributed to chaos of the world in it's own way. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and the circle is reflected right back to the starting point. We start off lying to our kids about things like Santa and the Easter bunny, then on to fairy tales or hero flicks. We tell our kids they will be fine and find out all to late how wrong we can be. And if you turn on the TV then you have opened up a whole new world of lies and even though you tell your kids that most of it is make believe... it still looks so real and believable that kids stop believing what YOU say.

Everyone seems to be worried about what others will say about them and that causes them to put on a front when talking to them. When people ask how are you? Most of my experiences has taught me that they are looking for a one word answer such as fine, so that they can continue on with their busy day without having to actually care. Every things fine... no need to worry about anything. I was guilty of doing the same thing when I ran into a girl I went to high school with while I was trying to serve a paper somewhere several years ago. How do you sum up a life time of events in a few brief words without sounding like you have made the whole thing up? In my life it changes from moment to moment sometimes and what may be true one day is totally over and done with the next. The lies we also tell our love interests are designed to put forth the best face but after a few months or so when the facade falls and we met the real them (vs/vs) for the first time, we or they seem shocked! Why is that? Why is it so hard to understand lying is universal and it has been passed down from generations. In fact our whole world seems to be built on lies and half truths and it has turned each and every one of us against each other. Some people have very complex belief systems based on pure lies and yet to take the time to look for the truth whether it be inside or outside is beyond them.

Lies are easy to believe because they sound so good or seem to solve many problems but that is only for the moment. Because so many have taken the easy way of doing things we have built this society to reward cheaters and thieves and yet punish people who try and reveal any truth. The world outside has gotten so ugly now that it is hard for even the most naive person not to see how the pervasiveness of psychopathic tendencies have invaded our thought process and our empathy toward one another. We must learn to recognize who the true psychopaths are and segregate them from our world because our survival depends on it. What blows my mind the most, is that we as humans don't seem to learn much from our life or history itself and keep on repeating the same things over and over again which is the very definition of insanity. While I made bad choices I did take a step back and took a hard look at me and discovered most of the lies I lived with ultimately hurt me and some of who I cared about... no matter who uttered them. Becoming a PI was my way of trying to find out just what was the truth but in the end it taught me little about how to avoid being lied to. That, I found out on my own and the secret is... stop asking liars questions. Stop relying on answers from others and start searching for them yourself. If enough people can change their intent to one of compassion and understanding while still using their brains only then can we start rebuilding this world to be a better place one person at a time. It's In The Way That You Use It that counts the most!

5. Power of You >>>>>


http://www.ted.com/talks/pamela_meyer_how_to_spot_a_liar.html

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/236940-Harsh-discipline-fosters-dishonesty-in-young-children

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Gradual Withdrawal

Gradual withdrawal means just that and I am doing it! I have wrote about unplugging from the main stream media and fake television. I also have advised doing some of your own research maybe on any alternative websites. Check out different ones so you can get an overview of what different perspectives there are. I know research takes time and if you are busy it's tough to take time out of the busy life but I really feel like you should. Even if only for a few minutes a day. If you have time delve into the material properly then I hope you remember this important fact...each of us must DO something. There are times in life when we look back and wish we would have done something different and this should NOT be one of them. It is too important and I am not an activist...or at least I wasn't. But our future is at stake and we can either argue about it or change the way we rely on the system because the system wasn't designed to benefit us but keep us in slavery. Sounds far fetched to many but for others they are finding out the hard way, everyday.

No matter what I have been through in this life, I am still very lucky indeed because even though I don't own anything, I still have all I need. I had planned on simplifying my life for a long while but after losing Trey it was easier in many ways but terribly hard in others. We were forced to confront the many first without Trey in a very short period of time. His senior pictures came right after and then the prom and then graduation. After that mom and dad split and I had to go through Trey's room and gave away everything I could because I wanted his friends to have a small piece of him. I was thankful to my ex brother in law because he helped me out by buying the living room furniture that held a special place in my heart because of Trey and the few extra dollars helped so much at the time. The rest went to Good Will with 90% of my stuff so I hoped it help some in need... but they are a corporation at the end of the day so who knows. The next thing I did was stop solving problems for people who do nothing other than to create them. I know that sounds harsh but it is a waste of time and energy. For the last couple of years I have been grieving and taking a hard look at my life. I am responsible for my actions and my intentions so I will not place blame on anyone else. And still I am lucky because I had the chance to read a lot and still have some of my critical thinking skills although they are far from what they used to be. I am also lucky that my roommate likes to garden and grow fresh veggies so we will be trying to get much better at is because food prices are high.

While my heart is with the protesters that are braving the elements, I can't help but think how hard it is going to be for them to stick it out through winter. But they need to vent and voice their concerns and maybe by talking with each other, they can began to see the whole problem. The system can control only if you give it the power to do so. It is a great start to see the mass exodus of the big banks and turning to local credit unions. In the city there isn't a lot of mom and pop business. They have been gone for many years but now is the time for all the working class to work together for each other instead of profit. I have started to read about several alternative markets cropping up and even though some in the system will try to squash this time old way... I don't think they can arrest us all. Well if the builders stop building the prisons that is. There is a whole lot of work ahead and none of it is going to be easy. The choice I see is between doing only for yourself or doing for others and that is a whole different frame of mind for some. If you come from a small town then most of this probably will be second nature. So far I have scrounged up a few dollars and donated to the protesters and hope to send more soon. I personally wouldn't waste a dime on any political party and would do serious research for any charity donation to make sure that it goes where you want it. Some times it is just better to find a more direct approach of helping others.

I wrote earlier about me helping my friend run his small business from behind the scenes and for now we are okay but I know that things may turn for the worse. I have learned that we only have so much time to finish changing our life voluntarily or it will be changed for us. Well my friend has RA and now after doing much reading on that I have found we have to change our diets so he doesn't have to live with constant pain or pills. Turns out wheat, dairy and sugar are the worst things you can eat and living on them like we have has a high price. Most of the processed food has GMO ingredients and now more than ever it is important to cook at home. Happy home maker I am not but it sure looks like I need to get ready to relearn how to cook old school like your grandmother or great grandmother cooked straight from the garden in the summer time or the freezer in the wintertime. My granddad used to raise cattle and it was grass fed and humanely done in application. Both my grandparents worked many years in the cotton mills and that work is both hard and long. But life was simpler then in terms of necessity and operation. Most of our younger generation doesn't really know how hard backbreaking work it was but they may be finding out sooner rather than later. I know Trey would have been shocked! ;) You know I spent most of my life trying to get out of the country and as it turns out it may be the best place to be. I still have a ways to go but at least I am in the right direction.