Where did you get that from?

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy, 
4.  Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this?, 26. Where did you get that from?,  27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:)  Volume 2 >>>>>   

5 Questions You Need to Ask (To Avoid Ruining Your Life)    

Read this article first because I would loved to have had this growing up and it would have been some handy information right there!  I probably would have printed thousands of copies and passed them out like Halloween candy for anyone brave enough to ask... or even if they weren't.  Through out this exercise of writing as a therapy or a warning to others on what not to do with ones life, I have only touched on the subject of parents. Whether it be my own parents or my role as a parent it was hard to separate the two.  It was also a way of telling you about my life in a way that shows I take responsibility for it without blaming others for everything that happened most especially my parents.  I may never understand why they did some of the things they did but I am sure the same could be said about me for them too.  I can only reveal some things here because it really isn't my place to tell you how they felt but I can give you some overview... at times.  I'd like to tell you mom would write her own blog but that is not her cup of tea.  She recently asked me why I didn't write like this at school and I told her... I had no time, experience, understanding, desire or even a handy computer so that about sums it up.  So I will start with this, both of my parents have a dark but different sense of humor.  And then look at me and wonder why mine is even more twisted than either one of theirs.  Hummm let me think...

Our family tree has a few kinks and knots in it and my moms real mother died when she was about 2 and then she went to live with her 2nd cousin who we call grandma today.  Grandma's mom was MawMaw and she's my mothers, moms, sister... one of about 11, I think.  Got it?  Her real dad died later when she was 12 but she had 2 older brothers which she didn't see too often then.  Later came along her step brother but she had left home shortly after he was born so she didn't see him too much either.  By then she was in business school, then working and later met and married my dad.  On a bet.  After a few weeks of dating.  Yeah she did!  But that handy piece of info was not offered until much later in life.  Mom also worked right after I was born up until I was about 3 years old and then she stayed home.  With nothing to do... but me.  You wouldn't know it now but that side of the family was pretty big with all the branches and the old reunions were held in places that could hold large amounts of people.  I would ask are you sure we are kin to all these people because we didn't see them too often and I wondered where they were the rest of the time?

Dad had a brutal childhood of fighting for food for his 7 younger brothers and sisters at the time.  Poverty and circumstance left little else.  Later he lived in orphanages and with a few relatives but went into the army at 18.  After Vietnam he dated a bit but started working at the company which he met mom.  How they decided to move to the mobile estates is anybodies guess.  Dad had always drank to my knowledge but had it under control for a while in the beginning.  While I understand why he drank, I'll never understand why he used it as an answer to all the problems.  I know the 4 DUI's he had over the years didn't help matters in the least because I was there and saw it with my own two eyes.  Most of my memories of dad are him walking in the front door with a sack of beer to say hello as he walked out the back toward his room and later his shed outside.  Hi dad... Bye dad was pretty much our conversations for 30 years.  I also remember him offering a beer to a Jehovah Witness one weekend morning and we never saw them again.  Dad worked at a refrigerated trucking companies parts department but he loved guns, old tools and fishing from time to time.  He loved going to flea markets to find anything and he would also refinish old furniture too. For years though I would hear him talking to himself or catch him in mid sentence when I walked out to the shed.  He did quit drinking for a while later and I remember that he had a big garden and a lot of plants going on at that time but it was not to last. 

Both of my parents were weird but together their combined weirdness was a study in the extremes.  An addict struggles to control life with the addiction and the ones that loves them struggle for control over their life with an addict.  And the cycle continues.  Their decision to have me was planned and were genuinely surprised that I became a very weird kid.  Dad wanted a boy and mom wanted a girl and because I was both or neither, closest being a tom boy girl, at best I could only make them happy half the time.  When I was older I could look into my parents eyes and see the hurt, suffering and hopeless in there but I could not understand why they kept at it after so long.  For me there had to be something better than suffering just for the sake of it and I decided even further back that just wasn't for me.  I didn't understand the quiet desperation under the pretense or the anger.  I sure didn't understand the mounting regrets the folks accumulated with each passing year especially as a young child. The only thing I understood was I could make mom really mad at times without much effort on my part.  I'm talking veins bulging, hair raising, venting for hours, steam coming from her ears, kind of mad.  If writing lines however many times or being grounded didn't work then a whoopin' would be in order for what ever offense that transpired.  And whoopin's would be with a belt usually while she held onto one arm and I tried to evade for dear life, resulting in us going in a circle.  I wasn't kidding about her scaring the hell out of me as a small child.  Until I got over it :)  

I was a bored kid and if left to my own devises I could entertain myself.  But often not the way my mom wanted and this one day I took some vaseline jelly and used it to slick back my hair.  A lot of it.  When mom came in the room and saw what was happening... she was not pleased.  In fact when she took me in the bathroom to wash my hair it felt like she was playing basket ball with my head under the tap water all the while venting her displeasure in a very clear and loud manner while keeping rhythm between the two.  Once when I was even younger I let a girl on the bus draw on my arms with magic marker along with my report card and when I got home it was back to the tub.  Top Job... scrubbing clothes and little girls since... I was born.  My mother really didn't like dirt and I was all about it... most of the time.  In fact my mother cleaned the house often using me as slave labor and she was borderline OCD.  I never understood why I had to waste so many perfectly good Saturday's cleaning the fridge with a tooth brush and opening every condiment jar to clean around it and the lids too.  And you could forget about sleeping in most of the time because sleep was for sissies at our house and the Master Drill Sargent said there was stuff to do... you know like make the bed!      

I wrote in an earlier post about Christmas presents and how I would have liked things like skates, bikes, motors bikes, go carts and a lot of other fun for boys toys.  At this point in time I had demonstrated that I had zero aptitude or desire for sports of any kind and I don't think dad was too upset about it.  About all he watched was boxing.   But as an only child I got a lot those little green army men and a lot of board games that take more than one person to play.  And they didn't want to play or do the math 1 + 1 = 2 players and then wonder where I got my skills in math from.  They were tired which I can understand now... but not so much then.  I know I got on mom nerves because she told me but when I'd ask to go outside or over to my friends, she'd say no a lot.  I must have not been getting on her nerves that much.  Once I got older mom had my tonsils out because she was tired of taking me to the doctor every other Friday.  But most Friday's we were either going to see movies at the dollar theater or going to grandma's and granddads house.  Oh and the dance lessons that were entertainment.  Well entertainment for them anyway :)  I can say my mom did everything in her power to make me a refined young lady but you can not make a Corvette out of a Chevette no matter how you reconfigure the parts.  Here is a good explanation from the SOTT team of why that may be.  Females fetuses exposed to testosterone like steroids aberrantly produced by their pregnant mothers adrenal gland are more likely to become tomboys. Conversely, excessive estrogen can orient a male fetus to more feminine pursuits in later life. 

I rescued my pink high top tennis shoes out of the trash many times because she hated them.  And she was thrifty to say the least, so I don't understand why she wanted to throw away a perfectly good pair of shoes.  If it wasn't on sale, half price or in the discontinued bins then I didn't see it, wear it or even know about it.  I was wearing 70's bell bottoms in the 80's in middle school and style was something only other people had.  In fact things always seemed to disappear when I was at school and now I know that she was routinely throwing things away that she felt I didn't need any longer.  Whether I wanted them, liked them or not.  I had braces put on some where around here and despite my best efforts to pop the damn things off with popsicle sticks because they hurt... I would keep them for a good long while.  Mom made sure I did my homework first as I came home from school and I became really good at dictation.  I was much better at drawing though and would doodle over everything but I did turn those homework papers in... most of the time.  Once my dad spent weeks making this log house out of tooth picks for a project in school.  I was impressed and got an A.  Well both of my parents got better grades in my school than I did because I just couldn't care about it.  It was boring, hard for me to make friends and I felt there was not much to learn from it... at least at the time.

I was also riding the bus everyday and had to deal with 3 different bullies as I have spoke about several times all ready but the details have a lot to do with my parents as well.  One was a very fat obnoxious older boy, one an older girl who was even trashier than the rest and then the last one was just a year or two older than me.  For years I had to ride the bus with these loud, mean and often times combative kids that used the weak ones as a verbal or real punching bag on a bad day.  On an afternoon ride home I had had enough of the youngest of the 3 pulling my bandana around my neck and got up to finally get in her face.  It took everything I had to face her but in my mind they were not as bad as mom so I had a prayer.  When we started to fight she grabbed my bandana again like she was going to choke me and then I bum rushed her to the back of the bus where I slammed her against the back wall.  I made the decision that if I was going to get hurt then so was she and after that people weren't so quick to give me trouble.  I got suspended from the bus for 3 days and mom was not pleased.  Dad told me that I shouldn't fight back and I just looked at him as if he lost his mind.  Not fight back?  Stand there and take it?  Really?  Not a chance... not any more... not ever again.  Bill Cosby said it best though that parents weren't looking for justice, they were looking for QUIET!      

At some point in time I think around 12 or so things in my mind begin to change towards mom and dad and I started pushing more and more.  I spent a lot of time in ISS and then OSS which was a mini vacation for a bit and mom was not pleased.  I was tired of hearing no for almost everything and had decided that a whoopin was quicker than being grounded and worth the risk of getting caught to do something... anything fun. Mom asked me one time would I jump off a bridge if my friends asked me to and I told her no.  But after thinking about it I told her... well it depends on how high it is and how deep the water was because that looks like it could be fun.   I stopped being scared of mom to a certain degree and started to explore the out side world on my own.  Many highlights have been sprinkled through out this blog and things got very hairy from there on out.  Looking back I think I figured that if mom was not going to be pleased I might as well as her give her a reason.  We fought a lot and I no longer sat on the couch and just listened to the never ending rants that would sometime last for DAYS.  People outside and at the school were living a life and I wanted one.  Because it had been denied often I did what ever it took to experience it when ever I could and when mom finally had enough and put me out, I was relieved.  My mother taught me many lessons even some that she didn't mean for me to know and after a while I begin to use them against her.  She taught me better than she thought possible and again seemed floored where this came from. 

The only family picture I have of us together.

We didn't talk very much after I left until I got pregnant with Trey and then things seemed to get better.  She did try and talk me into not marrying my ex but at that time I had already made up my mind and that was that.  And to be honest I think her disapproval of it made me want to do it all the more.  But in the end I really did it for Trey because I wanted him to have every opportunity to see his dad and for my ex to be a dad.  Even if it wasn't that important to him at that time or any other.  When mom asked why I was having a baby I told her I wanted someone to love and meant it with all my heart.  And at some point in time she said I better hope that I didn't have a kid like me.  You know almost every parent curses the next generation and she was no different.  But she was there in the hospital with me and actually found a doctor to medicate me after a very long labor and a clueless husband standing by doing nothing... and by then it was too late so he was born naturally.  Also apparently dad started drinking again around this time and it was all down hill from there.

 

Right after Trey was born we went to TN to see one of her brothers and were so very tired after a long day of traveling and when we were alone in our room that night, I heard mom poot.  I had never heard the woman break wind before in my life and started laughing so hard I farted.  Then we had a contest on who's was the loudest and longest and she won!  Who knew?  When I moved back home after leaving my husband I really thought things would be different because it had almost been 3 years and now I had Trey but it was almost like I never left in the first place.  Mom and her schedules would drive even the most regimented of persons insane and it was hard for her to understand that you didn't have to raise kids staying at home all the time.  Stability is one thing but you shouldn't have to be a prisoner to it.  I know I didn't have all the answers back then but I did try to understand things.  Like why is she still here with dad if she was so unhappy?  Have it out, work it out or get out I don't care, just pick an out!  Why does she care so much about where and how I live as long as Trey was happy and healthy?  And most importantly why does she have to have her way all the time?    When I had that big wreck in 91 and totaled the car I was stuck at home more and that made it all the more difficult between us so mom was not pleased.  

And the one and only confrontation I had with my dad happened around this time.  One night I was going to the store for a pack of smokes but had a problem with the lights in my RX-7.  I walked in to ask dad if he would look at it and  for some reason I will never understand, other than the alcohol, he just went off and started chasing me while screaming a lot of crazy stuff.  We ran outside, down the driveway, up the driveway and by that time mom had came out to see what all the noise was about.  Instead of following me, he ran up the stairs, past mom, into the trailer like he was going to lock us out.  I rammed the front door stopping him from closing it and we started to fight and ended up in the kitchen.  Somehow, someway we were on the floor with my leg above his head and I started to slam his head into the floor.  He finally let go of my hands and got up, then walked away.  We never spoke about it again and I bet he was wondering where that came from too.  I don't know how he explained the marks on his face the next day but I think that mom might have been pleased. 

Once I started working in the bar, I think that was again the last straw with mom because that's when she threw me out again.  I don't know if mom thought she could do a better job at raising Trey than I could or what, but to me she missed the opportunity to get out of the situation she was in and in doing so denied me something I wanted with all my heart.  I believe that Trey was an excuse to not change her life and still have some control over me.  If you've been wondering why I was so angry through out most of my life that would be the reason.  I wanted to be free and she wanted control.  It was a never ending struggle that would take a while for me to let go of.  But once I stopped struggling and went my own way then things slowly started to change.  I couldn't control the situation with mom so I didn't even bother to try but I did get my life together and tried to make the most of it with what I had available.  Over the years I've heard many of my parents regrets so often that I can almost recite them verbatim.  I knew in my heart that I didn't want to live with all the what if's and whatever happened... at least I tried.  I can't say if anyone in my family ever had any faith in me and both made it way more difficult than was needed to learn and grow.  I now understand that it was their way of trying to keep me in their life but those methods usually backfired.  Certain guilt's have a shelf life and do expire after a while. 

When Trey got older, mom had him on a script for ADHD and then would send him over to my house... drug free for the weekend.  So I would then buy him the most obnoxious toy I could find and send it home with him.  If they would've had red bull he would've had some of that too!  She would call and complain about Trey and I would tell her that she shouldn't have put that curse on me since she was now raising him.  Funny how things like that work out sometimes.  In fact I gave my mom many different books to read about difficulties with kids and I don't think she ever cracked the cover on one of them. That's when I learned she wasn't looking for solutions she just wanted to vent and so she did.  Now that I understood the process there was no need to get bent out of shape because of it.  Just go on with life.  But mom still has this bad habit of dropping bomb shells about the past from time to time and of course it is too late to do anything about it.  Example being our trip to visit family in Florida when on the long drive down we had a nice long conversation about things that she had thought was wrong with my life and tried to fix them without my knowledge.  She is very lucky I am not dropping a few more of my own here in this lovely little chapter and I sure hope she knows where this came from. :D  At some point my mother became a cafeteria lunch lady and I was absolutely floored.  She didn't even like kids so how was she going to do this job?   And I swear she spent more time at the child support office over the years than she she did looking for me at school.  In fact she would tell the case workers she'd be seeing them every week until my ex paid.  And for the record I do understand the need for the money and I hoped that my ex would have been a little more forthcoming in the beginning, but after a while I weighed the time, energy and aggravation factor in and decided it would just be a waste.  Another thing with mom is lately she has had several wrecks and speeding tickets in the turbo powered car of hers.  Lead foot Lucy even has the nerve to talk about my driving skills, when she drives like a New York taxi driver with 7 kids to feed!      

You know growing up in the house of contradictions has given me so very much to think about over the years.  I remember hearing my grandmother ask me many times over the years... Why can't you be more like your cousin?  Especially when I'd get caught doing things I wasn't supposed to be doing and I would always say... I don't know.  After a while that question faded and I later found out that my cousin had married a black man and in a very small southern town, it is still a little difficult for the older generation to accept.  While I never considered myself a black sheep growing up I did feel invisible at times because their generation felt that children should be seen and not heard.  I on the other hand didn't like that philosophy so much and felt they should have thought about that before having kids or me in particular.  While down there in later years and then something about the cousin coming up in conversation is where I had one of my many moments of mouth engaging before the brain.  I asked my grandmother... aren't you glad I didn't turn out like my cousin?  Well she just said oh hush but I could clearly feel I hit a nerve.  I must say I am pretty good at doing that even if I don't mean to and please don't miss understand the comment as anything other than to bring a few points home to my family.  Another distant cousin had married a black man too and her mother had pretty much disowned her.  I don't think that's right but that ain't my life and it ain't like many people listen to me anyway.  Mom had many friends of color over the years and many of them were the kindest people I had ever met.  The only time Trey ever commented on a pretty black girl he saw at the store one day caused me to laugh wondering how that was going to work out because I don't think my dad was going to be in favor of it... not one bit. 

     

I think I finally made mom proud when I bought my house and kept it for so long.  But I still couldn't get her to understand that if she was going to buy me something for any holiday's... can it be something I could use and not just what she wanted me to have.  I had a thing for plastic storage tubs and shelving to put everything on and she just wasn't going to buy it.  I now have enough tennis shoes to last me a life time... no kidding.  I once told my dad jokingly, I'd like a cordless drill for Christmas and he bought it!  Mom had bought me a bracelet, which was nice but I needed the drill and the look on my face was priceless never mind the fact that I kept playing with it with glee!  I was floored he bought it and she was floored I liked it so much.  After that it became the tradition to have Christmas dinners at my house and mom was always around to see the characters that were in and out of my life.  Sometimes I'd even bring people over for shock value :)  This one time one of Marvelous's friends came over and he was debating sexual reassignment surgery and he was dressed in a cheap blond wig, full makeup, nails painted hot pink, mini skirt, knee high go go boots and sucking on a penis shaped lolly pop.  He said hi to mom who could barely manage to speak then asked if he could move in and be our new roommate.  Buy this time I was about done with Marvelous and told him no because done means done with all that.   When the remodel of the bathroom was completed mom was floored at how good it looked and between micro managing Marvelous I had stained the cabinets with my own blend of colors to resemble a dark copper.  Seems mom was pleased that I had skills to get the bathroom done and pick the right colors too.

If you have read this far then you must know I do love mom and dad dearly.  They are human and have made as many bad decisions as I have and forgiveness came but only after I let go of the past.  I just wish they both could do the same and let go of their past... but I'm not going to hold my breath on that.  I know I make my whole family nervous because I like to yank the rug off the floor to expose all that is underneath.  Not only do they prefer to just live with the mound under the rug like an old family friend, they wanted me to and that was something I just couldn't do.  I tried to have a relationship with dad while mom was gone but he could never see what was right in front of him and that is his loss.  But then again I felt the same way myself about Trey but this time I could do nothing about it while here on God's green earth.  The shelf life on that guilt has a long time before expiration.  I am not God however and just don't have an infinite supply of forgiveness on hand and had to draw a line in the sand, no matter how difficult it was.  Every so often my roommate will drive by and let me know if the lights are still burning.  Dad still leaves the light on in Trey's room every night and no matter our differences it is still kind of comforting.  I don't worry to much about him because I know if anyone would try to break in down there he would probably blow them away without a moments hesitation.  And again they wonder where I get it from...      

Mom would speculate what life would've been like if I had raised Trey and my answer was always we'll never know.  I know life would have been even harder but I'm sure I would have found a way.  Later she would remind me of my words from time to time about wanting to have someone to love when I had Trey.  Finally after 20 years I said mom, I know you might not know this, but there are some people in the world that have children because they want to love them and not because they are looking for cheap labor... while that may come as a big surprise it is still a very true concept.  Yes I call my mother out because she never let me get away with anything so I don't know why she thinks it should be any different now. LOL!     Even though mom gained a lot of help from the kids at the house after Trey died it was so very hard for me to deal with all of this at one time.  I had been waiting for so long, for so many things to resolve themselves and ran out of patience which is why I crowbarred her out of the house when and how I did.  It just wasn't going to happen any other way and you know mom was not pleased.  Mom also used to say I was like a bull in a China shop and she was so very right about that one.  But after having some time and distance with everything that has happened I believe that she is feeling and getting better.  I can make her laugh and have really tried to understand where she is coming from, even if I can't, with a telescope and a map.  But I try and for that reason mom is pleased. 

                                      

Other Handy Quotes I try to live by.

27. The Reason for My Season >>>>>          

So where was God in all this?

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy, 
4.  Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this?, 26. Where did you get that from?,  27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
   

A 22 year old picture given to me when I was having doubts about God from a very unusual person in 1990.



When I started  to write this blog I really didn't know how to go about it and that is why I wanted to give some back ground on me and the life I've lived.  It took a really long time for me to find humor and then be able to use it correctly... but that is so much easier in person with people I know, than it is in print.  On the other hand humor or sarcasm only came with practice and that comes easier with writing because it's was hard to think on my feet especially if my focus was some where else.  Just one of many paradoxes in my life that I am sure some of you can relate to.  Depending on your views on God, you may not care for my ramblings here but as today is Christmas Eve, sliding fast to Christmas Day I wanted to try and put my thoughts on paper... so to speak.  I must be clear in one thing first off... God has been around longer than any religion or region.

Holidays have always been different in our family because once you reach a certain age then things slowly phase out but because of Trey we participated in as many as possible even if it wasn't on the actual days sometimes due to the two family schedules.  So it is with those memories of cooking the big dinners to watching his face light up with joy when he received a toy or game that he was hoping for, that I will always cherish because those are the things that matter most.  The best part for me was always the hugs and I miss those the most.  The holiday's were my time with him and I tried to make the most of it every time, even if I didn't really explain a lot about God or Jesus to him.  Sometimes I was trying to wrap my brain around the whole thing myself, so how could I explain it to him?   


I have vague memories of going to church with my grandmother when I was very young and in Sunday school I remember the teacher telling stories about the bible.  What I never admitted to anyone was my thoughts at the time were something along the lines of... Wow! if I ever told whoppers like that I'd be in so much trouble, I'd never see day light again.  I can't tell you why I thought that or even if there was any basis for it.  It wasn't a hell, fire and brimstone church but I have been to a few of those too.  It was a more reserved church much like my family in nature.  Once at about age 11 and back at home, I was over at one of my neighbors while their preacher came to visit and he asked me to sit on his lap.  Well I did and he touched my butt a little too fondly so I got up, looked at him and then left.  No fuss but I knew then even the people who talked the most about God failed to understand what it was truly all about.  Over time I experienced several different preachers and have read parts of the bible but not in it's entirety.  I know... shame on me since I like to read so much but it is very hard to interpret correctly so I put it off.  To say I am no expert again would be so off the mark but this average everyday woman still has an opinion.

I'm not sure if I even believed in the concepts of God that were presented to me.  One glaring reason was the narrow mindedness about just who, what, where and how HE was, while ignoring their own words when it mattered the most.  It is another one of those double standards that really bothered me through out life.  I think some kids may have an understanding of these concepts better than any adult.  I don't know if it is because they are still fresh from the other side without the time of all the contaminants settling in.  I also remember looking up at the sky when I was a child and felt that there was something out there even if I didn't know what IT was.  Just organized religion was confusing enough with all the different ideologies, faiths and logic, but then you look around to see that no one agrees with anybody when they talk about their God.  People get very angry when you ask questions about why and for many years many people died all because they disagreed about God?  The one thing I felt in my bones is that the bible at best was written to be used as a tool for the unenlightened and way too often was used as a weapon to destroy lives in every way possible.  So if that's true of Christianity to me it seemed reasonable to extend that to the other popularly promoted religions as well.  Religion has become big business and the bible merely their handbook.   

At some point I learned about free will and karma and that seemed like a really BIG piece to the puzzle.  Free will explained why people do even the bad things they do... because they can.  Karma explained there was a price to be paid for your actions, or reward for hard work.  Hard work means learning and growing as a human being not a chore or job for a wage.  Life is fluid and we must be flexible in our views and thoughts until we learn everything there is to learn.  But what I noticed more often is mans ability to construct dams in the vain hopes of holding back the flow of life.  Since most of us will not learn everything at one time then we must keep at it for our whole life and some of us may even have to unlearn all the wrong things before we have a chance to learn what's right.  I have had knock down drag out fights with God because I didn't understand so many things most especially evil, apathy and ignorance so please don't think this was an easy process.  I have talked to God many times about myself and why I am the way I am.  I have walked away and came back and then reexamined with every new piece of information.  Even the ones I didn't like very much.  Some I had no way of verifying because for the longest time just having access to trustworthy info was way out of my range.  So please don't think I go out and accept just any thing that is available, especially to the public.  Most of the valuable info is not for public consumption and that should tell you something right there. 

I also want you to know, I didn't just go searching for any material to fit my theories that were developing.  But they did evolve and it has only been recently that I have actually read things that I agree with more and more because it seems to fit more of the limited evidence I've collected over the years... based on experience.  When I heard about reincarnation I had no clue what to do with it for the longest time.  It was something that could only be proved if you die, even if it's only for a few minutes so I filed it in my brain as a maybe and left it at that.   I did know that a lot of people in my world didn't talk about the concepts of life after death except in the terms of heaven and hell.  While the afterlife may be an unknown I can't say I've worried to much about it because we would all find out soon enough but this info of having to come back was unsettling.  Why? Because life as we live it sucks and to know that we have to keep coming back until we learn what we need to learn was depressing because it made so much sense.  Shirley came along and showed me that ghosts or the energy that is sometimes left behind was a real concept, even if she hadn't returned to complete her transformation yet.  It wasn't until much later when Trey had died and sent me that message through the radio that I got to experience it again... if only for one brief moment.  Later when I really started to play on the internet and in doing so on Facebook, I found many different people from all walks of life.  Some had been through so much in life but still had a strength that only comes from within.  

It's a wonder for me to have found so many people who reached out to me when I was in such a dark place after Trey.  Through the games I was able to quietly let part of my mind be occupied with them while the other side and my heart simply grieved for all that was lost.  The friends I made were true blessings and one sent me a book that she wrote herself about her experiences with life after death.  It was the most beautifully written book and the name of it is The Causeway.  One of my favorite quotes from the author is we are all spiritual beings having a human experience and not the other way around.  To me it was more conformation of the theory of reincarnation and then I learned that not only do we chose to come here to earth but we chose our parents, location, life, lessons and partners.  And boy did that explain some things to me about me!  Then when I quit all the games, I started to read and do some research on the net. Some of those sites were really good and metaphysical in nature but there was still something really important missing from them even though I couldn't put my finger on it.  Some of those sites even seemed designed to lure the readers away from the most important truths by throwing out a lot of real info until you get toward the end then they take a left turn off to no where land.  So you really need to be careful with what you believe by using your critical thinking skills. I know mine are rusty and I am trying to dust them off again, but it is a little harder than it used to be.

One day I came across this site talking about things like the Secret History of the World which then lead me to another site written by the same person who started them both.  The second site was about channeled material from the great beyond but turned into the most interesting site I have come across to date.  The wide range of topics go from history to food to science to psychology to astrology and that is where I found the best description of God that I have ever read... But I'll hold off quoting her's for the moment.  The writer Laura Knight Jadczyk impressed me so much because of her love of language, learning, humor and most importantly her ability to share so much information without buckling to tremendous pressure to stop.  It was called the Cassiopaean Experiment and the things that struck me most was they always advised the readers to do their own research and never tried to use any hard sell.  The material stood on it on because of the attention to details, networking, years of studying to achieve the best results possible and links to sources through out.  Their motto was one that resonated with me deeply.  All there is... is lessons...

One quote from her books and web sites from the C's, is the best description of what our job here on earth is, that I have ever read. "The only defense (in life or after) needed is knowledge. Knowledge defends you against every possible form of harm in existence. The more knowledge you have, the less fear you have, the less pain you have, the less stress you feel, the less anguish you feel, and the less danger you experience of any form or sort. Think of this very carefully now for this is very important: Where is there any limitation in the concept behind the word “knowledge”? Being that there is no limitation, what is the value of that word?  Infinite. Can you conceive of how that one concept, that one meaning frees you from all limitation?  Use your sixth sense to conceive of how the word, the term, the meaning of knowledge can provide with all that you could possibly ever need.  If you think carefully you will begin to see glimpses of how this is true in its greatest possible form.  Most importantly is the utilization and knowledge application which generates energy, which, in turn, generates light."

I know that's great and all but get to the point... about God right?  This is still hard for this layman to articulate but... each of our spirits combined or on our own is a part of God or cosmic energy is a better word.  Some people seem to be waiting for an outside savior and they may have a long wait.  It is up to us to save ourselves by learning all there is to know to get out of this world and onto the next level of this large school we are all attending.  I think the goal is to finish our classes and reunite with The One (or all of us) and many of us are on different levels at any given time.  That means it may take you longer to get there than some and then shorter than others.  The ideas and answers these folks have been able to glean from this counterfeit world will shock some of you to the core but I was almost relieved to know I wasn't completely nuts in my way of thinking.  I urge you to read her free online books to get a better picture of our place on this world, with God, why the PTB don't want us to find out just how powerful each of us are and you may just find a direction in which to focus your thoughts on.  It is also one of the reasons I wrote my blog in the style I chose because I wanted to highlight the bread and circus life style that I lead, which brought me to where I am today. 

God as I still call the cosmic consciousness has always been a constant companion even if I didn't pay very much attention at times.  The debates about what race God was really baffled me too because to me God was CLEAR and every other color in the rainbow too.  Sometimes a very indescribable force, but one that was not race, gender or religious specific which had the ability to be all things to all people where ever they may be.  Some times you have to lose sight of God to be able to find the real meaning behind the awesome power that we all have a connection with.  This power can be used for both positive or negative intent and the decision lies in each of our hearts as to which side we will employ because we have free will but karma will be repaid likewise.  Again we must learn our lessons and so shall it be.    

Since we have been taught not to question God, to be quiet and not speak ill of anyone we have given more power to the negative side than we imagine.  Ignorance is not bliss no matter how you look at it.  There truly is a difference in being a negative person just for the sake of negativity and a positive person speaking about negative things.  Some positive people still see the world as it is and not just as they wish to see, but are still trying to warn people of impending situations, so they may be prepared to save themselves a lot of heart ache down the road.  The difference between these two types of people are night and day.  I think I've been truly lucky to not be one who has wasted too much time on wishful thinking because I understand the futility of it, even if it does seem reasonable at the time.  You are what you are, where you are and you've got what you've got.  In the end it is what you do with it that counts... so just breathe... it is free! 

I have experienced too many individuals walking around without souls and the SOTT site goes into detail about why.  Most of us has been taught to love everybody and don't talk about others but we have been deceived about that too.  How are we going to know the harm that others can and will do to us or our loved ones if we do not talk about those that do the harm?  They also explained why the races are different and contrary to what many think the bible says or implies, the segregation of the races is not one of them.  The bottom line it seems is much clearer than that... people with souls shouldn't be involved with those without them.  And that makes much more sense to me than to equate segregation to any one race, gender, ethnicity or sexual inclination.  But since we've been taught to keep quiet and not network real and true information we are at a serious disadvantage.  We are more powerful in group and can connect with God using prayer and meditation on our own.  When we silence our internal chatter and listen to the heartbeat of the universe then we are talking with God and or our higher self.  No middleman, rituals, or dress code required.  But you must be wise enough to truly understand the message and I know I've gotten it wrong a few times... to say the least.  You also must be patient because the universe is on it's own schedule and not ours.  That is so much more meaningful to me than any one person declaring me saved because... he said so?  It seems our job is to save ourselves and bring along as many who are ready, willing and able to come.  Being able is a state of mind not so much a physical one either.  One must be able to look past the illusions to see some of the most basic simple truths and then be able to apply knowledge when and where needed.  A whole lot easier said than done... I know that for sure.  God has been with me every step of the way even when I didn't know or understand.  I've come to look at it as being just one tiny cell in the eternal one we call God.  

But... always THINK for yourself and do not be afraid to ask questions.  The following quote will tell you why... " Religion is the Devil's greatest achievement. In the guise of religion he has pulled off his most audacious coup. He has flagrantly masqueraded as God. He has had us bow down and worship him. He has had us commit every type of evil in the name of holiness. He has passed off his bigotry as God's opinions. He has had us segregate humanity into the 'ins ' and the 'outs', believers and non-believers, the saved and the damned. He has convinced us that God likes us but not them. And convinced them that God likes them but not us. And then, in a stroke of dark brilliance, he warns his faithful flock of sheep: 'Be sure you do not pay heed to anyone but me, for the Devil is a wily wolf and he will surely trick you.' [Jesus and The Lost Goddess, Timothy Freke & Peter Gandy, 2001 Harmony Books, New York]"

We were taught in church that we are special because God loves us but the reality of that just isn't holding water anymore and I can say I have never felt special at all.  Long before I understood the implications of reincarnation, I'd ask myself many times... What did I do in my past lives that deserves this much karma?  In fact I have felt trapped in this body, on this earth for as long as I can remember and now I am starting to understand why.  I think the universe has been trying to get our attention for years and now grows impatient for us to understand the cost of our actions.  There will always be a dark side to this matter of life and it is needed to balance the two polarities, night and day, good and evil, weak and strong, happy and sad, love and hate...etc.  We must accept it, respect it and let it run it's course until each of us has learned what we need to learn.  It is with this that I'll leave you tonight one quote from the book Castenada "The Active Side of Infinity":  also pulled from The Wave Series. 

"Think for a moment, and tell me how you would explain the contradiction between the intelligence of man the engineer and the stupidity of his systems of beliefs, or the stupidity of his contradictory behavior. Sorcerers believe that the predators have given us our systems of beliefs, our ideas of good and evil, our social mores. They are the ones who set up our hopes and expectations and dreams of success or failure. They have given us covetousness, greed, and cowardice. It is the predators who make us complacent, routinary, and egomaniacal." ~ don Juan 

And the last quote about the end of times from the Wave:

The Cassiopaeans are asking us to look at the concepts of doomsday – "admittedly a violent and horrendous prospect – in an entirely new light. The end may indeed be the end; the end of the world as we know it. And I mean that in a very basic sense.  But, more than that, they are asking us to understand that it is not just the end of a civilization – though it will be that, too. It is not just the beginning of the New Age – it will be that, also. But we are looking at a possibility that we may manifest the end of matter as we presently know it, and the quantum alteration of the Universe according to observable scientific principles, which will enable the earth, life and the cosmos to manifest in a new way: restoration of perfection and the Edenic state – the harmony of spirit and matter. The end that is the beginning."

                       

            

26. Where did you get that from? >>>>>


   

      

Means the Old World Must Go

1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy, 
4.  Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go,  25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?,  27. The Reason for My Season,  28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>


Christmas and New Years came and went and all I could do was decorate a small tree for Trey's grave and look back at how much time I wasted with the people who just didn't matter in the end.  Mom had now moved back to her moms and was doing much better there.  But my time was running out on my house.  I started packing all the things I wanted to keep mostly just Trey's stuff, photos, books and clothes.  I then started to give away stuff to different people and the rest to good will.  My sofa went to my ex brother in law for it had special memories that only we would cherish.  The little bit of cash helped so very much at the time too.  I do think my nieces are smileyed out with all the smiley face stuff I gave them.  


During this time I didn't see Ariel very much, we were drifting apart and like so many others I could understand because dealing with the death of a child is something that others can only stand for so long and then they too must move on with their lives with or with out you.  But Trey's death is not something I can get over especially because I hadn't had time to grieve and that's something very difficult to explain to others.  It stays with you everywhere you go and some people really do think you can just pick yourself up and move on with no difficulties at all.  Her and Scott were not doing very well either and I now believe that she had a really big problem with our friendship, something that she just couldn't let go of or admit to.  I even told her earlier that if she needed I would step aside and get out of the way for them both, but she assured me that it wasn't a problem.  I would have hated it but I would have done it because I truly wanted them both to be happy and know a third wheel is just that.  She had a choice to move in with either Scott or me and declined both.  

Valentines Day and then the first year anniversary of Trey's death came.  I would always go to the cemetery after dark so I could be alone and that's when I had my conversations with God to bring me home because I felt like I just didn't belong here on this earth any more.  The only thing that got me through it was my new roommate Spartacus but I did shorten his name just a bit.  Not that I even used his name a lot... just nicknames... a lot like I used to do with Trey.  He became my constant companion and didn't mind the cemetery much.  Around this time I borrowed the $3200.00 for Trey's head stone from my grandmother and it was finally here.  At last!  Easter weekend came which also brought the death of Ariel's beloved mother and her entire world fell apart as well.  I attended her moms funeral but was just an outsider looking in there.  Scott was by her side through the whole time and things really began to fall apart shortly thereafter.  They broke up soon and then I felt even worse about the whole thing.  I know she felt like I deserted her in her time of need because she had been there through the whole thing with me.  In essence that is exactly what I did but I had a reason.  I had been willing to give up seeing my most important friend for her happiness after I had already lost almost everything that I held dear... and it wasn't enough.  The realization of that broke my heart again because it showed me that her feelings for me were just surface and went no deeper than that.  Mothers day came and went then July the 4th again.  So many sad days all ran together.  


It was crunch time for me and I had so many things to do.  I put an ad on Craig's list to rent my place out praying for someone who would want to rent to own because the real estate agents just didn't have any clients that were interested in my area.  Moving after being in one place for 12 years was even harder than ever before and it took so much time just sorting out what I had.  After talking to Scott about his situations and making sure things were clear between him and Ariel, I then asked if it was okay to move in with him and I was so relieved when he said yes because I literally had no where else to go.  I spent a week writing a letter to Ariel about the whole situation, moving in with Scott and a few things that really bothered me.  Her response was short and clipped and I was wrong so that was that. All I can say to her is I truly wanted us to all get along because it would have meant that guys really can't ruin a friendship and that was something she was really big on.  But I have learned many times that it is much harder to live with ones beliefs than it is to die for ones belief.  I really tried with this friendship too and just felt that nothing was ever going to be enough.  I guess the season was just over and it was time to, pick up your toys, let go and move on.  What more can you do?  She still talks to Scott from time to time but somethings will never change. 

Between moving, a friend of ours helped me paint the interior of the house and I was sad because I never finished it while I was there.  It was the same friend I met in the pool room all those years ago that was friends with us all and I went out with.  Turns out he got married to his first wife in Ariel's fathers church many years ago and knew the whole family too.  And the circle begins to close ever so tightly.  I spent the last few dollars to my name to buy the supplies and was really pushing everything to the limit.  I moved the last of my things from the place 12 years to the day, that I moved in.  Then it was Trey's birthday again following with the anniversary of Princes Diana's death. 

By this time all those letters had been written and sent even though my lawyer wasn't very pleased about it.  I had delivered all the boxes containing the supplies to make the memorial books to each family member who had wanted one.  I never got to put them together but think it worked out in the end because if it was important to them, then they could do it and add their own touches to make it personal for them.  I had spent over a thousand dollars to reprint all the pictures and put them on CD's.  I divided the last of the school pictures between the boxes and each had their own photo books to use.  That was my last duty for the families and I really did it for all the kids because I wanted them to remember Trey.  


At the last moment I found a really nice family to rent the house in October and they moved in.  Shortly after the downstairs shower was caved in and so we went back over there and replaced the whole thing... So that made two bathrooms I completed that I couldn't live in now.  I had hoped that would be it but the renters were always late paying and then eventually just packed up and moved the next Mothers Day weekend taking quite a few things from the house that wasn't theirs.  I soon just packed up all the documents, keys and anything else they needed and dropped it all off at the bank.  All those years of working to have a decent credit score and the putting of all that money back into the house was just a big waste of time.  And it wasn't like I had anybody to leave it to when I'm gone so... it is was it is.  Then there was still so very much to do here at Scott's and it seemed like it was never going to end.  But things have calmed down so much since that time and I have only him, Spartacus and God to thank for it.  The Christmas holiday's here are almost non existent or maybe a small dinner with just the 2 of us with our furry friends. 


This last piece from the past,  the lawsuit finally vetted and my ex received his half.  He was asked to do the right thing and send my dad roughly a third of his portion which came to about $20,000.00 and I would do the same for my mom.  If either of his parents had contributed anything of significance over the years it would have been a different story and let's not forget the $18,000.00 it cost to bury Trey and all the other expenses that he conveniently ignored, including the marker.  The estate lawyer didn't calculate all the expenses and missed the amount by over half.  I doubt my ex even gave it a second thought as he drove to the bank the day the check arrived and that pretty much sums him up.  And no matter what problems I had with Marvelous I can honestly say he never laid his hands on Trey in the entire time I knew him so that makes him one step above my ex husband.  Again if you missed it... all I asked is for him to act right and fair and because he wouldn't I told him I would make this info public.  Unlike him I've kept my word for many years now several times over.  The attorney looked at me when I signed the release docs and said this was the hardest case he ever had to work.  I told him... I tried to tell ya. 


But my exes beautiful sister, kids and brothers will always remain in my heart because they really loved Trey beyond a shadow of doubt.  I knew it and more importantly... he knew it too.  I have always had to share my baby with others and only wanted them to be good to him.  I will always be thankful to each and every person who loved him and you know who you are.  

As for me I repaid all my debts to the persons owed but not the bank.  I figure they had enough of what was mine.  I helped a few people out and paid my rent for a long while with just a little left over to trade the 14 year old Honda for a 9 year old car.  I didn't want this new world that was forced upon me but then who would?  Trey didn't just die, my hopes and dreams died that day too.  The guilt of roads not taken or dead ends that were traveled still rears it's ugly head from time to time.  I wanted him to be happy but I guess he is now if you can look at it that way.  Each and every one of us had a hand it the direction his life was in and I've been willing to own up to mine.  I don't know if it's because I am a Libra or if it is just experience in life but I have been able to see and understand both sides of the story and look for a middle ground or balance between life or death and right or wrong.  But where it came to my own son I failed miserably to prepare him for the harsh cruel world.  

I eventually got a message on Facebook I think, from the beautiful soul from the courthouse that day oh so long ago.  She told me a small group of mothers got together to talk about their kids and finally I got a chance to meet with them.  It was very healing to be able to relate to real people who had been through the same thing and still had the courage to face the days after.  To be able to talk about all the problems before, during and after helps so much to not feel so alone.  One of the ladies writes her own blog which inspired me to do the same but it took me a really long time to get my stuff together and have the time and space to do so.  But she will always have more courage than me everyday of the week because she goes around to area schools and tells her sons story to warn about the dangers of texting and driving.  In another twist of fate as mentioned earlier in April 2010 Trey's friend Danny was also killed on a different stretch of Highway 218 at the age of 16.  So we had another sad addition to this little club that nobody wants to be a part of.  Another tragic loss, one that left us all so unprepared once again for all the grief and guilt.  Danny was the one who hung the longest with us because he was one of the great ones too.  To know he was up in heaven or home as I call it was so bittersweet too.  I could just imagine the conversation with God that they both would have to have and smile just a little bit through the tears because they sure had some explaining to do... and that's just the way it was in pictures.

Which brings me to the point of all these ramblings... maybe.  The signs were all there and although I saw them I interpreted them incorrectly.  I have always had a feeling that death surrounded me and thought that I'd be the one to die.  Just goes to show you what I know.  You may think I have some morbid fascination with death after reading this blog but it has really been a way of expressing what I've seen even if I am wrong about things.  I have felt old beyond my years most of my life and now I feel like I am well over 60.  Life is about cycles and more often than not, you end up at the beginning over and over again until you learn what you need to learn... I am trying to learn because I am tired of starting over.  Sometimes the cycles are long and slow and others are quick and cut off way too soon.  There is no amount of booze or drugs that can dull the pain of living and it is often better to face it head on so that the healing can begin.  People are different for a reason and we would all do well to remember that.  

I have also learned many times over... karma takes care of it's own.  When others don't hear you sometimes you have to make them hear you even if it is unpleasant and you may even lose them as a friend.  And still sometime just listening to what someone has to tell you will be the most important thing you can do.  Sometimes good people just can't get along and then there are others who just need to be called out so the good people can be aware of them for their own safety and well being.  Sometimes if you push through it you can get to the other side but only if you are sincere in making the journey.  I know I wanted to give up many times but the key is to know WHAT to give up and WHEN.  But never give up on yourself and most importantly... do no harm and cause no loss but if you do set it right.  I made it to the other side of this new world but I had to let go of the old one and in doing so I gained so much more than I ever thought possible.   It's a start and I am still a little shaky with a long road to go and not a day goes by that I don't think about Trey.  Baby steps.  I know I will not live forever and I just wanted this to be out there for anyone who knew me.  To be able to say these things to the ones that made the most difference though is the most important thing.  I am writing my story in my words to the best of my memory.   I may never have the opportunity to see these folks or talk to them but then again, you just never can tell around here. 

25. So where was God in all this? >>>>> 

The Unwanted New World

 1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy, 
4.  Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III   23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go,  25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?,  27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:)  Volume 2 >>>>>   


Most of us understand the grief process even if we can't express it in our hearts or by using words.  You can say I sailed through the first two, denial and bargaining rather quickly.  Then I just slid into a simmering anger which was much more familiar to me and since I know me... I tried to warn everybody.  I tried to tell them I needed to be alone, I needed a break from running the streets and most importantly... they needed to handle their own stuff for a while because I was full up.  I was patiently waiting for everyone to start to return to their life while still dealing with this absolute empty hole in my heart that ached with each breath.  In between the trips back and forth to mom's I would stop by the cemetery and just talk to Trey and God.  I was also on a mission to collect all the photos and memorabilia to do my own memorial books for him because we didn't do them through the funeral home.  Shortly after his senior pictures came in and they were just gorgeous and then his second class ring came in after that.  I was so sad that he would never wear it and my heart was so very heavy.  The clothes he died in were picked up from the cleaners and now hang in my closet were they will remain.      

It took two weeks before I was able to slow down even just a little bit and the only person who knew me well enough to give me a break was Scott.  I had used up the last of my reserves in the strength department and was hanging on by a thread.  I spent a lot of time catching up with old childhood friends when down at moms and it gave me even more to be thankful for.  If it wasn't for some of their prompting I might not have remembered so much from the distant past.  All the while coming to grips with the fact the Trey would always be Forever Young.  I can't say when but some where during this time is when I had a quiet talk with Danny and he told me that Trey loved me and he knew I loved him by the way I hugged him.  Those words, at that time meant so very much to me because when someone you love dies so unexpectedly without the time to say good bye and I love you one last time... it leaves you with so many uncertainties.  And then in the next sentence Danny told me how Trey felt about his dad and all that was going on there.  My heart broke just a little more because of the finality of the situation and I was never more glad to not be in my exes shoes than at that time.         

I do remember talking to my ex one last time by phone and  he told me about a dog door left open in his house, that was his sign from Trey.  I then asked for a few small things, like can we do this the easy way? did he have any pictures? and even the video of the last confrontation?  Not because I planned to air it, but would have like to have edited it into something to add to the little footage I had.   I mean that would be the only images we would ever be taking of his again and every single piece was so very important.  His response was blah, blah, blah and lawsuit.  I told him I got that handled and was waiting on him to sign his part.  I told him there will be no lawsuit if he didn't sign the agreement and let him stew on it for a while.  Other than a few pictures from his third wedding, they gave me absolutely no other pictures from that side.  Maybe they hadn't taken any in the first place because it wasn't so important to them and they just didn't want to admit it or they simply couldn't care less about what I was trying to do for Trey or they didn't care about Trey himself?  They few I did get was from my exes sister and again I will always be thankful that she cared.  And no matter what I think about what my ex may have done in the past, to know that Trey didn't have to go through that pain anymore was a blessing in itself.   I knew he was truly free now and that was the only thing that made the situation even slightly bearable.   

Later while at the court house a woman saw me while in the clerks office to get a death certificate.  She saw the look on my face with the tears running down it and she just knew who I was.  She had lost her daughter 5 years ago at that time in the same manner and recognized the grief.  This wonderfully shy woman reached out to me that day and gave me her number to call.  She understood all that was to come but it was a year before I would talk to her again.  I was starting to understand this year long waiting thing now, because sometimes it takes that long to clear crazy out of your life.  It also turns out that she was the principle of the elementary school I attended as a child.  If only Trey's high school had a principle like that... someone who cared.   

The kids down at my parents house were still coming by pretty regularly and Rosco rallied everybody to start working on their trailer because by this time it was failing apart at the seams.  It became a regular hangout, something neither of my parents would have excepted earlier.  One thing led to another and the next thing I knew... we're going to redo the whole house. Just great.  That's exactly what we need to do at this time.  I still needed a job and was broke but was only half heartedly looking for one if at all at this point.  The economy was well on it's way down the tubes and I was a wreck... who would hire me?   The kids were telling us all about themselves or things about their school and other kids too.  They thought I was cool and if they only knew just how wrong they could be.  I wasn't cool, I was tolerant and that is a big difference.  I do have my breaking points though and one found out pretty quickly.  I could see him playing the adults and then a few things got missing from Trey's room.  I called him on it and he wasn't very happy but... really dude?  The next one would be a little later and I was not so nice.

The prom was coming up soon in April so mom and I took the girls shopping for shoes and a few odds and ends.  I'll remember that day too because it was the oddest thing to be shopping for girls stuff after shopping for boys for so long and I was out of my element that day.  Then next we all were watching all the kids dressed in their finest threads, come by and take pictures too.  It was beautiful and it was sad and I was trying hard not to cry so the girls wouldn't cry and ruin their makeup.  It really was a Bitter Sweet Symphony. 

Then Mother's Day came in May and some where around this time I had to start packing up Trey's room at moms because the construction was already starting.  I was giving as much away as I could to all his friends.  I wanted them to have a little piece of him to remember him by.  Then graduation came in June and we all headed up to watch the kids make this rite of passage and here is where something so small and trivial just lit my fuse.  When watching the other boy driving the car walk through the line to accept his diploma, he raised his arms in a victory position and it struck me as so very wrong on so many levels.  To this day I don't know why?  I had meant what I said to him in the hospital, that I forgave him but again it is a process and just doesn't happen in a short period of time.  To make matters worse the adults handling their side of the case was either running into road blocks themselves or something and now even more attorney's were involved so that meant this was going to drag out even longer. After I had got Trey's Myspace memorial page up and running then I sent a letter out to everyone on it about the whole situation and was mad about the stories I was hearing about this kids continued drug use after the fact.  And yes the school board got a letter about the principle too because that lady needed to go.  Since that time too many memorials to kids that have died over the years have been lost or who knows what and I am reasonably sure it can be traced back to her time there.  She was sent to another school... God help them.

You know they say don't make any big decision's while going through the grief process but that's not how we do things around here.  With everything that was going on I thought about the whole situation as best as I could then... given what real truthful information that I could find.  I had been plowing through these never ending days hoping to finish up every thing so I can take a break and deal with the fact that Trey was gone.  If you keep on expecting me to handle your problems, then don't be surprised when and how I do it.  But the situation between mom and dad was even more miserable than before so I went along with the plans of packing up some her stuff and sending her to her brothers in Texas for a while.  She was not happy to say the least... but who was at this point in time?  I knew in my heart if I could get her up and moving out, it would then be the last time she set foot back in the place to live.  She had options she just wasn't considering and I wasn't going to wait around for her to make a decision any longer.  

On the other side of the coin with dad I had talked to him about how we were going to pay for the remodel of his house and he cashed out his small retirement and with a strict budget I could get almost all the materials we needed to finish the house.  Rosco may not have been good at anything else but he could work on a house and general contract pretty well.  If he would only shut up or had any follow through... but the only problem was... he had none.  I talked to dad and explained everything to him several times but he had faith in old Rosco.  I could only hope that I could manage to keep it all together.  I also did a little research and knew I could get my dad on SS and maybe even veteran's disability and that would have handled his expenses once we were done.  Rosco helped a good bit with this as well.  He knew how to do it all.  But before this could be put into place dad just up and quit the job he had had for almost 40 years at that time.  Well he didn't quit he got fired for smoking but he knew what he was doing and so did I because I've done it myself a few times. 

Then I heard about George Carlin's passing in June and later on July 4th Scott's mom died after being in the hospital for a few months.  I had saw her just a month earlier when I stopped by to bring her some flowers and it turned out the tulips were her favorite.  It brought a fresh wave of sadness and I thought how unfair it was that she would get to see Trey before I would.  I did fine through the funeral until they started to play My Only Sunshine for one of her grand kids and then I just couldn't hold it in any longer.  It was one of the few songs I would sing to Trey when he was a baby, or hum rather, if I couldn't remember all the words and the memories came flooding back.  Over the summer Ariel had been laid off and I was hoping that she would move in with me so I could save my house and save her some money on rent but that was not in the cards.  Something was going on there but I couldn't quite figure out what the problem was.  I don't think she was very happy that I was helping Scott set up the computers and software used to run his company and then getting him caught up on the invoices that were long over due.      

The end of August was Trey's 18th birthday and a lot of the kids gathered out at dads to have a little party.  There was a bonfire, food and cake.  Most of the kids were absolutely great at the time and they were all being kids.  It was here someone was playing with my camera and done something with the settings that caused a mess of blurry pictures and because I was so off I didn't catch it.  It seems like everything I used to do before was now the hardest things in the world for me to do.  Welcome to the new normal.  One of the first three girls who had touched my heart earlier was now a different girl all together.  She became extremely intrusive and I think she was losing her mind or was pretending... I don't really know.  That night she became very disrespectful and I asked her to leave.  She wouldn't and went to my dad who wouldn't make her leave.  She did everything to be the center of attention that night and both Rosco and I had already talked to her parents.  Neither of them had much control over her so that was a non issue.  No matter what relationship I had with my ex mother in law, I would have never used her sons death as a bid for attention which was exactly what this kid was doing.  And she wasn't even dating Trey or anything close to it.  That little girl had no idea how close she came to being body slammed on the pavement.  I may be old and tired but I had a lot of pent up anger just waiting for someone to come along and uncork it.  But I managed to restrain it because this was Trey's day not hers or mine for that matter and this girl was just a girl.  One who thought she could take me on but she simply had no idea what she was doing.  The other girls remain friends with her to this day and I am sure it will be a while before they figure out all her drama is self induced and her role in their lives is to drain them of all that makes them unique.  Again I call these people hoovers and I am so sorry for their friends and family.  

September and October the outside of the trailer had been replaced almost completely and things were coming along.  Rosco and Daisy's brother Luke had come to help with the construction and brought my favorite friend with him... Spartacus the bulldog.  That was the brightest point in the whole time, just being able to see him.  Daisy was still struggling tremendously with everything she had on her plate and finally had to quit the bar to go home and take care of her mom who was getting a little sicker everyday.  She was one of those persons who remained in the background of my life for so very long and because of the situation with her brother she was now gone too.  I know she may read this one day and I want her to know how very sorry I am for everything.  I know it doesn't mean very much now but I truly wanted all of us to be okay... but I went about it all wrong.  

By then I had pretty much given up on the idea of staying in my house because I couldn't pay the mortgage and more because Rosco was no help.  I had borrowed a little money from dad but wasn't going to keep doing that.  There was no point to that at all.  If something didn't change pretty soon then we would all be homeless.  I finally applied for unemployment and that helped a little bit and at the very least bought me some time.  Thanksgiving came and went and it was the saddest sight at my dads to see a big table as if he were expecting a lot of kids or people to come by.  That year it was just the three of us with a dinner from the local supper market and I can't say I had any appetite that day.  After that, things pretty much went down hill very quickly.  My dad in a fit of rage burnt the bed I had brought down there from my house, that Trey had slept in, to go back in his room when it was to be finished and at some point in time he erased the answering machine message of Trey's voice.  I was losing the last bit of patience I had at that point in time.  Worked stopped on the house and the tensions were becoming tighter than a cork screw in a shaken champagne bottle just waiting to be popped.

Rosco pushed one last time and was met with a resounding force that was quick and brutal.  Glass was broken including a table that held a computer and I threatened him with a broken beer bottle because he would not leave my house.  I had to push him and pull him out of my house all the while he was screaming assault.  A 250 lb drunk man acting like a two year old toddler was just the thing that popped that cork.  This man had not shut up at all since he had been around and he was playing everybody against everybody.  Once I got him out of my house I used a shoe lace to tie the storm door handle to the front door handle making it impossible for him to get inside with out breaking the glass.  I called the police that night because Rosco used the ladder on the back deck to try and get into the office windows on the back side of the house.  He was then met with a can of WD-40 and a bic lighter when I heard the noise and went to check it out.  When he saw what I had in my hand he backed his butt right down that ladder.  Once the police came to talk to me he stayed outside on Daisy's stoop and could hear everything I said.  I told the cops loudly that if he tried to bother me one more time I would light him up like the 4th of July and meant every word of it.  During his time there he had lied about his son dying while overseas in Iraq, milked it for all it was worth and when we found out it wasn't true he blamed someone else.  I had 2 qualification to be my roommate and they were reasonably sane and gainfully employed and he failed spectacularly.  I had reached my limit on his soul sucking behavior and responded in the only language he understood.  So the lesson is

 

Rosco eventually cost Daisy her place but just before she came back to get the rest of her stuff he had a bunch of the kids, Trey's friends, stay in her house just because he wanted to seem like the good guy in all this.  He later moved in with MY dad and I was beginning to feel he was like herpes and I'd never get rid of him!  My dad was taken in by him too and nothing I could do or say made a difference so I stopped trying.  Before the other brother Luke left he gave me his best friend Spartacus because he saw how much pain I was in and knew I loved that dog more than anything at this point.  And because he loved him too, it made it all the more special for me because he had shown that no matter his problems he was still a better person than his brother and that really says it all... at least to me.  I will always be eternally grateful for everything both Luke and Daisy had done but I let Rosco destroy that because I let him in.  Mom came back from SC and we both went to pack the rest of her things which I then had to take and unload back in SC.  This was one of the last times I saw dad and he already looked like a broken man, but still refused to hear a word I had to say.  After some months my dad finally had to admit that he made the mistake with Rosco too but by then it was way to late for us because he had chose him over me.  After that I chose to be done too... with the whole situation and I haven't looked back.  They never finished the house and I thought it was such a waste most especially Trey's room. 

"Rosco" aka Hurricane Don the Con (top left facing the camera) moved onto better victims and you can read about it  here.  Yes that was my poor father on the video and not very happy about it either but they have since taken the video down.  Don ultimately took and wasted about $5000 of dad's money and so many peoples time in business ventures that never materialized. He cost roughly 10 people their jobs and their life savings. In addition to that, he conned the attorney's office into doing about $3000 of work for fictional purposes or planned deception.  He defrauded several companies of payment of materials or services rendered and will continue to do so.  He continues to defraud any governmental program available to help the less fortunate and has the abilities to work any and all situations to his favor.  Despite his denial there were/are several warrants through out the area and in different states for this man.  If you engage with this man for any reason please use extreme caution and never let him around any of your children at any age.  They do not have the experience to deal with this type of individual and you will do well if you remove him from your life too.   


              
                              



 
24. Means the Old World Must Go >>>>>