1. Home to Contradictions, 2. Six Degrees from Home, 3. Welcome Back to My Therapy,
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
Yes, this is my therapy. It is cheap, easy and leaves a lot to be desired... but it is what it is. I have been Flirtin' With Disaster most of life. Writing has been my only outlet because no one hears a word I say. Or they hear, then promptly forget. Either way that's what I am trying to work out here today. It has been a long time since I posted, and really doubt that anyone has taken the time to search out this blog but if they have then it was probably for a different reason than reading all this. For you the corrections will become apparent very shortly. This picks up the time right after I left Union County and came to Charlotte which might as well have said... Welcome to the Jungle.
4. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Intent, 5. Power of You, 6. One Split Second,
7. Marvelous Mistakes, 8. I made a choice to make a change, 9. Connections to the Farm,
10. Back to the Farm, 11. It's a small world after all, 12 Fair Weather Friends,
13. Ghost of Roommates Past, 14. You can never go to far, 15. Glamorous Life,
16. Double Standards, 17. Lazy? No Exhausted, 18. Crossroads of Life and Death, 19. One Last Time, 20. When Worlds Collide I, 21. When Worlds Collide II, 22. When Worlds Collide III 23. The Unwanted New World, 24. Means the Old World Must Go, 25. So Where was God in all this? 26. Where did you get that from?, 27. The Reason for My Season, 28. Was Always a Little Rascal, 29. Pictures and Quotes of the Little Rascal and final chapter 30. Closing in Contradictions. ~Use these links to read in order (some chapters have songs, new added content, pictures or all:) Volume 2 >>>>>
Yes, this is my therapy. It is cheap, easy and leaves a lot to be desired... but it is what it is. I have been Flirtin' With Disaster most of life. Writing has been my only outlet because no one hears a word I say. Or they hear, then promptly forget. Either way that's what I am trying to work out here today. It has been a long time since I posted, and really doubt that anyone has taken the time to search out this blog but if they have then it was probably for a different reason than reading all this. For you the corrections will become apparent very shortly. This picks up the time right after I left Union County and came to Charlotte which might as well have said... Welcome to the Jungle.
When I met the ex he was cute and seemed like he had a difficult life and then I met the family and started to understand why. Both parents were drinkers but the mom couldn't control it. She moved in and out on a regular basis. I met his brother's and sister, a lot of his friends and there was a circle of them at the time. I will always be thankful for them letting me live with them. I did share a room with his sister and felt like we were sisters. We spent many hours listening to the tunes Love Song, What you Give, and 18 to Life. My ex is a follower and anybody with half a brain can lead him around because he doesn't learn... anything. But at that time I couldn't see that back then. There were some fun times and there were some really bad times. They were loud and fought with each other openly and it was a great outlet for me. We moved around, slept in our cars and for a while I worked more than he did. We lived with some friends, skated a lot back in the day and we partied some. He was never a big drinker or smoker but our friends sure knew how it was done! We fought a lot and I got tired of it so we broke up. A little while later I got a call from him asking for another chance and we went out on a real date.
My exes top three friends at the time we'll call Larry, Curly and Moe and they all drove muscle cars back then. Larry was our best man at the wedding and my exes sister was the maid of honor. I actually talked to Larry's mom way more often because she was a really cool and great lady who had been through so much herself. Larry's two brothers also hung out around the houses we were in. Curly eventually dated and married my sister in law and Moe was a dude into his own. My ex and I lived with Moe for a while when he was dating a pregnant girl from Spruce Pines NC and when they broke up that's when he started dating another lady who was older and claimed to be Randy Travis's cousin. Moe and I got into a big fight once about a cat that I brought into the house but I don't think he was ready for the Union County redneck. We worked it out eventually and became friends. I would see Moe around the town off and on for years and much later he would marry another friends daughter.
After being around the exes family for a while I had learned a few things. I saw my exes father slam him against the wall by his throat, then held him there just as his feet dangled a few inches about the floor. I also have had confrontations with his mom who was an alcoholic that like to preach when she had too much. I was accused of sleeping with her husband AND her boyfriend. One time she slapped me in the face and let me tell you... it was on like willy Joe neck bone. She never laid another hand on me but she did get in my face several more times over the years. She stole clothes, money and jewelry to support her habits and I found them hidden in her suitcase in her closet. She came to me once while we both were at the families home and had a problem that she wanted me to help her with. After everything that had happened I was not only surprised but curious about what she needed. She said she needed to leave and wanted me help get the van started because you had to use the needle nose plyers. I said sure... be glad to and started the van for her, loaded her bags and said goodbye. I then waited about 20 minutes, long enough for her to cross state lines and then called her husband and told him she was gone in his van. Yes, I was that much of a bitch! While we were all living in a 2 bedroom apartment with her, my exes sister and her then boyfriend, then me and my ex sleeping on a pull out couch... She tried to tell the landlord that I wasn't paying the rent which was why she didn't have it. At that time (shortly after Hurricane Hugo which we had no power for 2 weeks) I was the only one in the house with a job so I caught the landlord coming out and told him the truth. He said we were fixing to be evicted anyway so that's when I first moved in with my friend Sherri. Later when I got pregnant and it was mid November 1989 but I kept quiet about it for a while. I had hoped so much that my ex would not become like either of his parents but that was not to be. He gets more and more like his dad everyday, and I thought he had sold out! I found out later how true that was.
In February of the next year my exes brother, the middle 14 year old boy hung himself in his room after hanging up a call from his dad. I never forget his last words but didn't tell any one for many years for fear of hurting them. I was the only one there watching some stupid awards show and checked on him 15 minutes after he went into his bedroom because I needed him to open a jar for me. What I saw when I opened the bifold door was something I will also remember for the rest of my life. His back was to me but he was kneeling on the floor with the rope around his neck. I reached out and touched or pushed his shoulder with no response. I walked around to his front and saw the blood from his nose and ears. I then removed the rope and laid him down on his back. I called 911 told them what happened and left them on the phone or either hung it up? I don't remember exactly but I went back to him and began a clumsy attempt at CPR. When the firefighters arrived they literally picked me up and threw me out the door and I was about 3 months pregnant at the time. But by then it was too late and I spent the next several hours answering police questions over and over again. Their mother blamed me for his death and I must admit I did feel responsible. Why didn't I go in any earlier? He did leave a note however detailing who he felt was the problem and who was not. I fell into the not category and I could never bring myself to watch another award show in my life. The weird part was I never saw anything else when I opened that door... just Greg.
My exes top three friends at the time we'll call Larry, Curly and Moe and they all drove muscle cars back then. Larry was our best man at the wedding and my exes sister was the maid of honor. I actually talked to Larry's mom way more often because she was a really cool and great lady who had been through so much herself. Larry's two brothers also hung out around the houses we were in. Curly eventually dated and married my sister in law and Moe was a dude into his own. My ex and I lived with Moe for a while when he was dating a pregnant girl from Spruce Pines NC and when they broke up that's when he started dating another lady who was older and claimed to be Randy Travis's cousin. Moe and I got into a big fight once about a cat that I brought into the house but I don't think he was ready for the Union County redneck. We worked it out eventually and became friends. I would see Moe around the town off and on for years and much later he would marry another friends daughter.
After being around the exes family for a while I had learned a few things. I saw my exes father slam him against the wall by his throat, then held him there just as his feet dangled a few inches about the floor. I also have had confrontations with his mom who was an alcoholic that like to preach when she had too much. I was accused of sleeping with her husband AND her boyfriend. One time she slapped me in the face and let me tell you... it was on like willy Joe neck bone. She never laid another hand on me but she did get in my face several more times over the years. She stole clothes, money and jewelry to support her habits and I found them hidden in her suitcase in her closet. She came to me once while we both were at the families home and had a problem that she wanted me to help her with. After everything that had happened I was not only surprised but curious about what she needed. She said she needed to leave and wanted me help get the van started because you had to use the needle nose plyers. I said sure... be glad to and started the van for her, loaded her bags and said goodbye. I then waited about 20 minutes, long enough for her to cross state lines and then called her husband and told him she was gone in his van. Yes, I was that much of a bitch! While we were all living in a 2 bedroom apartment with her, my exes sister and her then boyfriend, then me and my ex sleeping on a pull out couch... She tried to tell the landlord that I wasn't paying the rent which was why she didn't have it. At that time (shortly after Hurricane Hugo which we had no power for 2 weeks) I was the only one in the house with a job so I caught the landlord coming out and told him the truth. He said we were fixing to be evicted anyway so that's when I first moved in with my friend Sherri. Later when I got pregnant and it was mid November 1989 but I kept quiet about it for a while. I had hoped so much that my ex would not become like either of his parents but that was not to be. He gets more and more like his dad everyday, and I thought he had sold out! I found out later how true that was.
In February of the next year my exes brother, the middle 14 year old boy hung himself in his room after hanging up a call from his dad. I never forget his last words but didn't tell any one for many years for fear of hurting them. I was the only one there watching some stupid awards show and checked on him 15 minutes after he went into his bedroom because I needed him to open a jar for me. What I saw when I opened the bifold door was something I will also remember for the rest of my life. His back was to me but he was kneeling on the floor with the rope around his neck. I reached out and touched or pushed his shoulder with no response. I walked around to his front and saw the blood from his nose and ears. I then removed the rope and laid him down on his back. I called 911 told them what happened and left them on the phone or either hung it up? I don't remember exactly but I went back to him and began a clumsy attempt at CPR. When the firefighters arrived they literally picked me up and threw me out the door and I was about 3 months pregnant at the time. But by then it was too late and I spent the next several hours answering police questions over and over again. Their mother blamed me for his death and I must admit I did feel responsible. Why didn't I go in any earlier? He did leave a note however detailing who he felt was the problem and who was not. I fell into the not category and I could never bring myself to watch another award show in my life. The weird part was I never saw anything else when I opened that door... just Greg.
Later in June of 90 my Uncle Lee on my dad's side died and then we got married in July... even after we had a fight and I was ready to call the whole thing off the night before. Wedding Photos of a Redneck Wedding that was planned in about a week for less than $500 by a distant cousin of theirs and she did a great job in no time. Trey was born in August and then my grandad died in November. Granddad got to see Trey just once before he passed and they even came back from the beach trip early. I was heartbroken all over again as well as happy with being a mom but I was exhausted. That made 3 significant deaths in a very short time and the roller coaster ride of pregnancy, delivery and the return of my senses. Me and my sister in law, who lived with us afterward, played a lot of card games those last few months waiting for Trey to show up. I will always love her and the youngest brother too... but I would never forget the one who left too soon. They were like my real family then and we spent a lot of time together even doing things we shouldn't have been doing ;) After I had Trey, I went back to work after 6 weeks and the parties at the house were still going strong, when I was working and continued on after I got home often at 3 am. I needed a break from it after Trey was born and my ex just didn't have the guts to make his friends go home. His mother at the time turned into a major problem and forced me to throw her out of our house because he would not deal with it. Heck I didn't want to do it but when you are trying to provide a relatively secure environment for your child and you have a very damaged individual who is threatening that... there is little else you can do.
I had to walk a lot to get home from work and got to the point of being done with all that. I was 18 when Trey was born and left his father shortly after that because I was out of Patience. The final straw was when I wanted to go out somewhere that I picked (which was rare) and when it came time to go... everyone including him said no I don't want to go to a place where there is dancing. Then my ex husband said you and Marvelous go on out together... we'll stay here. Here is a lesson for any boy or man... Never tell your girl you don't have time for her and then send her out with another guy. I could have handled it better but when you reach a breaking point... there you are. I got the message. He simply wasn't ready to be a dad or care about anything I wanted and after that I told him I wanted a divorce because I was done. That's when he started following me around everywhere I went. It was even worse than being ignored. I mean I couldn't even go to the bathroom by myself. I had let the girl from Spruce Pines stay with us who was pregnant again and she overheard me talking to another friend that night about the situation. When she heard I was seeing Marvelous whenever I could she thought she would inherit my little position in this happy little household by telling my ex about it. All she got was thrown out on her freeloading ass. I wasn't hiding it from my ex to be secretive... I had already told him I was done but I couldn't move out just yet so there was no point in making it harder. I mean Don't Go Away Mad... Just Go Away! But my ex was a follower and he felt that he needed to bring in all his friends to the end of our marriage because he sure had no clue what to do on his own. And of course one of his friends made it his business to advise my ex on everything to do with this situation which made it even worse if you could imagine. His knowledge of relationships, maturity, parenthood, responsibility and realness wouldn't have filled a thimble at the time but it didn't stop him from stirring the pot.
I had to walk a lot to get home from work and got to the point of being done with all that. I was 18 when Trey was born and left his father shortly after that because I was out of Patience. The final straw was when I wanted to go out somewhere that I picked (which was rare) and when it came time to go... everyone including him said no I don't want to go to a place where there is dancing. Then my ex husband said you and Marvelous go on out together... we'll stay here. Here is a lesson for any boy or man... Never tell your girl you don't have time for her and then send her out with another guy. I could have handled it better but when you reach a breaking point... there you are. I got the message. He simply wasn't ready to be a dad or care about anything I wanted and after that I told him I wanted a divorce because I was done. That's when he started following me around everywhere I went. It was even worse than being ignored. I mean I couldn't even go to the bathroom by myself. I had let the girl from Spruce Pines stay with us who was pregnant again and she overheard me talking to another friend that night about the situation. When she heard I was seeing Marvelous whenever I could she thought she would inherit my little position in this happy little household by telling my ex about it. All she got was thrown out on her freeloading ass. I wasn't hiding it from my ex to be secretive... I had already told him I was done but I couldn't move out just yet so there was no point in making it harder. I mean Don't Go Away Mad... Just Go Away! But my ex was a follower and he felt that he needed to bring in all his friends to the end of our marriage because he sure had no clue what to do on his own. And of course one of his friends made it his business to advise my ex on everything to do with this situation which made it even worse if you could imagine. His knowledge of relationships, maturity, parenthood, responsibility and realness wouldn't have filled a thimble at the time but it didn't stop him from stirring the pot.
When he found out Marvelous and I started dating after I told him we were done, he just about lost the rest of his mind. I then became really mean to him and would call him every name in the book. The few times he tried to put his hands on me I would either fight back or pick up something and throw it. I had pretty good aim most of the time too. I had paid the bills the entire time we had lived in the house and he would get mad at me because I wouldn't let him handle the money. He did have a job at this time but that didn't mean he knew how to take care of business. In fact when I said FINE go a head and handle the bills, he went out and bought a stereo and Yo Samity Sam mud flaps for the Firebird. So we moved in the dark with no running water or heat in January. That is when my mother talked me into moving back home with her. Again, it went against my better judgement and I regret that to this day. The exes friends and some family taught me that being vindictive was a perpetual cycle and it was a tough one to get out of. I gave as good as I got and sometimes even better. I am not proud of that but I am not ashamed either. Looking back this family taught me to stand up for myself even if you are the only one who stands. It was unfortunate that my ex was the one who was going to have bigger problems with me down the road and the cause could be traced back to this very time. Unfortunately my mother was not ready for the new me, who wanted to live my life in my way. Some issues take years to resolve and this was only one of them.
Later mom threw me out again but kept
my Trey. Being 20 then I didn't have the money to fight her so I
told myself it was for the best. In truth the school system there in Union County was
much better than the county I live, which is the next one over, so as he
got older I didn't see him as much. That was the second big mistake and
the third one was beyond my control but he decided to go live with his dad when he was 16. Over the years my ex only had something to do with Trey when it suited him and even Trey noticed and commented on it. Over the years my ex and mom became embroiled in a power struggle that was beyond my control. Also my ex husband could not deal with the fact that an ex girlfriend before me had cheated on him, then he considered what I did was cheating and then finally the 2nd wife not only cheated on him but became pregnant with another mans baby. Not one time did he ever step back and ask himself the question of why that was, but instead blamed us all for his problems. I know I looked back and saw them in my own life and tried hard to not only change the people I hung with in my life but myself which is more important. In 2007 my ex thought he could teach Trey to be a man and made a lot of promises to him. I knew this wasn't going to be a good situation because my ex was on his
3rd wife and they were simply trying to save that $400 a month in child
support.
They were also looking for domestic labor because they just had their first child. I already knew that $400 didn't even feed Trey because he was a growing boy. When I found out that he was denied food regularly sometimes while they went out to eat on top of everything else... let's just say he should be thankful he's still breathing. Mom would tell me how much money I owed her and she kept a running total. I didn't need anyone to tell me I had to pay for my child and if I did my mother was better at collecting money than anyone at the child support office. Trey was there for 7 months and it was the worst experience of his life and he got more than he bargained for. There was a lot of drama when he left from his dad's to go back to my moms to finish out his senior year. We even had to hire an attorney to get his stuff back and the wife tried to make it look like she was afraid I was going to come and hurt her small baby! Low down stinking rotten doesn't even begin to cover it! And the lies they both told Trey about me were just so full of it that it would completely blow your mind. I never hid much from Trey so thankfully he knew better... at least I keep telling myself that.
They were also looking for domestic labor because they just had their first child. I already knew that $400 didn't even feed Trey because he was a growing boy. When I found out that he was denied food regularly sometimes while they went out to eat on top of everything else... let's just say he should be thankful he's still breathing. Mom would tell me how much money I owed her and she kept a running total. I didn't need anyone to tell me I had to pay for my child and if I did my mother was better at collecting money than anyone at the child support office. Trey was there for 7 months and it was the worst experience of his life and he got more than he bargained for. There was a lot of drama when he left from his dad's to go back to my moms to finish out his senior year. We even had to hire an attorney to get his stuff back and the wife tried to make it look like she was afraid I was going to come and hurt her small baby! Low down stinking rotten doesn't even begin to cover it! And the lies they both told Trey about me were just so full of it that it would completely blow your mind. I never hid much from Trey so thankfully he knew better... at least I keep telling myself that.
I had wanted Trey to come and live with me for many years but gave him the choice to make that decision himself. But when he asked me after being at his dad's toward the end, I thought I was doing the right thing by telling him no because he needed to learn when opportunities pass by they are gone. I had tried to talk him into moving in with me instead of his dad before, but it didn't work. So he then decided he wanted to stay with his friends for the last year and moved back in with mom... and now I feel about this big. Later on I couldn't get Trey to tell me everything that happened there but he was very angry at the world and his dad in particular for all the lies and broken promises. I tried to tell him the truth about his dad without making it sound like I was just bashing him but I knew he would have to learn about him on his own. Trey was gone 6 months later. The worst thing about it next to losing him was my ex showing up at the funeral home with requests and when it was time to pay the bill he was nowhere to be found. My friends were floored that he was that shameless. I wish I could say I was. The next Monday he was at the child support office trying to get out of paying that last little bit he owed but didn't take the time to drop the new case he was starting with me. I had already told him I would pay for Trey's supplies but that wasn't what he wanted. When he left the child support office he went to see an attorney immediately afterward to try and start the lawsuit. He found out that it just didn't work that way and I told him either I was handling it or there wasn't going to be one because we both had to sign an agreement. It really didn't matter to me... I could have gone either way and would have been fine with it. I have no idea why his wife thought it was her job to handle it, but over my dead body. My ex got his share because it was worth it to never have to see him or her again. But the truth is he was the last person on earth to deserve it.
After Trey died it was like the final straw of sanity slipping away and the result was I lost all ability to keep on keeping the peace. I wrote letters to everyone telling them how I really felt, and mailed all but one. Trey's is now 25 pages long and I just might share it one day. The one I wrote to Trey's dad and his 3rd wife was 7 clear pages covering 17 years of incredible ignorance and uncaring on his part. I also admitted to making mistakes because I have never said I made all the right choices. In fact I knew that the buck stopped with me because I was his mama... and I failed him. I sent copies to all his family members and you know what? It didn't matter. One reason I am stating all this is, I promised to upload all the doc's from the lawsuit onto this site for their inspection, but it isn't going to happen. I thought long and hard about wasting more of my life doing things like this for people who don't care and have made an executive decision. Never again. So if you are looking for that information, please go to the local courthouse and waste your own time. It is all public info by now. Oh and one last correction to the Hinson family... it will be a few more years before I can shed your name completely, but it is coming. Other that that, I still stand behind everything I wrote in 2008. Since I never heard a word from you, I guess you do too.
At the end of the letters I wrote that I would work on forgiveness and would definitely forget each person that caused me or Trey great pain. So far so good. If you are asking why I am airing all this Dirty Laundry? Beside the obvious one of it being a part of my life... I told him through a surrogate, later through the lawyer, and finally in the letter that he could either do the right things or he could keep on being a greedy, sorry excuse for a man OR when things settled down I would make sure the whole story was PUBLIC... Who knows, maybe their daughter will trip over it one day and learn a thing or two. I don't really think about all the bad things because I want to remember the good times with Trey. It is harder to do because forgiveness is a process and must be done repeatedly at times. Combine that with the ever moving world that demands you participate whether you're ready or not and there isn't a lot of time to dwell. People come and go in my life and it was ultimately my fault because, we really do teach others how to treat us. The people we choose to have in our lives matters so very much, but what matters most is how we respond to them. Some people will bring out the worst in you and others will bring out the best in you. The question remains is "Who do you want to be?"
For the longest time I wanted to be heard when I talked to people because I don't engage in small talk and ponder a lot of different things. I ask questions when I don't understand and when people take the time to talk to me about themselves, I listen to them as well as observe the situation. It is just how I learned to survive in this world. I know right from wrong because I've seen both up close and personal, but also believe that it is subjective to each individual. In other words what is right to me or for me probably isn't right for you. Every day is a challenge when you are striving to be a better person in a world that doesn't care for much. I respect differences in people and have often just studied them because I found some very interesting. But the one thing I still find problematic in most people is they talk far more than they act. For years women have been stereotyped as talkers but boys and men are too. Just in a different manner. Flip on the TV news or just go to the local market and listen. Everybody is talking about something or somebody, but are they really talking about anything important? Do they ever? And just who is listening to them?
I have narrowed down the reasons I think people don't hear me. One is they are talking so much or so loud they can't or won't hear anything else. Two, I am not good at telling people what they want to hear and lets face it...who really wants the truth now a days? Well here is my truth... once I understood that people refuse to hear, believe and care about what I needed to convey... and I reached the boiling point, I blew up in their face or I just stopped talking to them. It doesn't change what I think, only that I bother to express it. If only others would adopt a similar policy then their life may be oh so much easier. For anyone else struggling to find their voice in this noisy world, remember this. Words and thoughts without action mean nothing and the ones that really matter in this world are the ones that do so without ever saying a word.
